Chapter 9

Tajah

I may just be high but I am so glad Katt loves me again I can hardly stand it. I never wanted to hurt her. She's my best friend; the ying to my yang. I don't know what I would do if we stopped being friends. Well, I may find out. I haven't told Katt that I'm pregnant. 12 weeks tomorrow. Josh wants me to get an abortion. I told him that I would. And I KNOW that there is NO WAY Katt will understand. Josh loves his freedom and I love Josh. We have plenty of time for that, he said. And, technically, he's right. But... is it natural to be sad? I mean... we weren't trying to get pregnant but, we did. I am. There's a real human growing inside of me. With a real heartbeat; and real fingernails. I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother yet but... I'd like to try. Is it a bad idea to want to be a mother to the child growing inside of you? Is it unnatural to be having second thoughts hours before leaving for Texas? Is it unnatural to want to tell Josh to either step-up or kick rocks? Is it unnatural to think I can do this by myself if I need to? Is it possible? "What're you thinking about?" Katt asks me, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Nothing really. Just glad we're friends again." I feel bad lying to her but, she'd hate me if she found out I was about to kill my child. "Really? Nothing to do with whatever's in Texas?" I froze. It felt like one of those scenes in a movie where someone says something crazy and the record scratches and everybody stops what they're doing. How the hell does she know? "Tay, we've been friends forever. You can tell me anything. What's in Texas?" She looked up from her canvas and we locked eyes. I knew then. I knew then that I had to just tell her. I knew then that she'd love me regardless. "I'm pregnant." I blurted out, voice barely above a whisper. Her eyes widened. "Pregnant?!" She scream-whispered. I nodded in response. She took a deep breath. "Okay, you're pregnant. I understand that. I don't understand what it has to do with-" She stops and looks into my eyes. In only a few seconds, I saw the confusion, and then the realization in her eyes. "Oh... are you okay, Tay?" My eyes watered. Was I okay? Of course I was...right? "I'm scared Katt." My eyes widened, I was genuinely shocked; I hadn't planned to say that. Katt came to me and was about to give me a hug when she glanced and did a double-take of my painting. I had finished earlier, I just hadn't said anything. "Oh my god, Tajah! This is-" She covered her mouth and I watched as her eyes watered and tears spilled out. I stood and we embraced each other. "I'm so sorry for everything Katt. I should've told you. I should've told you about Levi, I should've told you about the baby, I was just scared you'd hate me." I choked between tears, "Hate you?! Tajah You're my best friend! I Love you no matter what decisions you make. Good or bad. Yes, you should've told me; but I know now." As Katt finished her sentence and we untangled ourselves, I suddenly felt Josh's arms wrap around me. I didn't have to see to know that it was him. "Come here, please?" He whispered in my ear as he kissed my cheek and slid his hand into mine, leading me outside and to his truck. Once we were inside he looked at me for what seemed like forever. Just when I was about to ask him why we'd come out here, Josh blurted, "Are we sure about the abortion?" My ears rang. I was not expecting that question. "I-I thought that that's what you wanted." Josh looked hurt; he grabbed me and pulled me into his lap, "Baby, I really do love you. And if I'm being honest, the thought of being a father is terrifying me. But I have you. And I know you're not going to let me be a fuck up. I trust that. So babe if you think we can do this, then we'll do this." I could no longer hold back the tears. As tears began to fall, I wrapped my arms around Josh's neck and attached my lips to his. Trying to transfer everything that I felt to him, through this kiss. "I love you, so much." I said once I finally broke our kiss. Josh kissed my belly before looking me in my eyes, "I love you both. More than anything in this world."

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By the time Josh and I recovered from our pretty emotional talk, Katt and Levi were coming out. Katt came to me, "You okay?" She asked as she briefly hugged me, "Yeah, I'm great." I smiled. "Good, 'cause I'm starving can we PLEASE go eat now?" Levi whined wrapping his arms around Katt from behind. We laughed before simultaneously nodding our heads in response. "Great we'll meet y'all there." Levi said as he tossed Katt over his shoulder and started to carry her towards his car. Katt laughed and giggled in response. Josh and I watched them until they were out of sight. "You ready?" Josh asked me. "Yes. We're starving" Josh smiled and I thought I saw a gleam in his eye as he opened my door and helped me in, closing the car door behind me. After Josh got in and put on his seatbelt, He started the car, rested his hand on my still flat stomach, and pulled off towards the restaurant.

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I'm not sure when I fell asleep, but when I opened my eyes Josh was putting the car into park. He looked over, about to wake me when he noticed my eyes were already opened. "Oh shit. Hey, you ready to get ya grub on?" He cheesed and I couldn't help but to smile. "More than ready."

When we made it inside, Katt and Levi were waiting for us. "Hey, we didn't want to sit without you guys." Katt said, "Correction, SHE didn't want to be seated without y'all. Y'all could've found us." Levi said and Katt's glare in response was the only one he needed.

After we were seated, and the waiter took our drink orders, we went to the lines and started filling plates. Levi and Josh both had to make three trips; Katt and I made four. Two food, to dessert. We've eaten at buffets this way since we were like 12. We'd had insane stomach aches sometimes!

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Dinner was actually really fun, Levi and Josh made jokes the entire time and talked about folks like there was no tomorrow. Extreme entertainment for Katt and I. I laughed so much my face is sore. Since Josh and I decided against the abortion, there was no real need to go to Texas, so we came home. Josh played his Xbox with Levi like we didn't just spend all night with them. I decided to take a shower. Showers have always helped me to decompress and process my day. Stepping into the warm stream, I let out a breath I had no idea I was holding. Reaching for my puff and my calming Lavender body wash, I squeezed the soap on my puff and inhaled the sweet, Lavender scent that filled the shower and then the entire bathroom. As I washed, I thought about the talk Josh and I had earlier. I wondered what bought that on. I wondered why he changed his mind. I wondered if maybe I overtook his statement. I thought back to exactly what he said when I told him:

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ME: *Yells from the bathroom* Babe?

JOSH: *Answers from the room* Yeah?

ME: *Still looking at the two pink lines on the test in my hand* Come here.

*Few seconds later

JOSH: *Opens door, I hand him test, he stares at it* You're pregnant.

ME: Seems so.

JOSH: What made you take the test?

ME: My periods late.

JOSH: How late?

ME: I'm not sure *eyes water* Josh what're we going to do? How're we going to do this? We just graduated. I-I-

JOSH: *Kisses my forehead* Babe, it's okay. We can handle anything. We have options if you don't think we can do this. I'll even pay for an abortion if that's what you want.

ME: *Slightly hurt by the suggestion; abortion wasn't in my mind* Is that what you want?

JOSH: I mean, you're right, we did just graduate. We have time.

ME: *Tears fall* Okay. I'll make the appointment.

JOSH: *Looks slightly taken aback* Okay baby. *Kisses my forehead again and leaves the bathroom*

***

Maybe that wasn't what he really wanted at all. Maybe he saw my panic and tried to offer comfort. Maybe I didn't try to listen anymore after the word abortion. I didn't hear anything else except "abortion".

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