Redundancy: Chapter 4 - Parturition

From my vantage point, I couldn't help but stifle a chuckle as I watched Julian sitting inside his grandiose office. 

He had a bag of ice perched precariously on his head, looking like a bizarre fashion statement. With a long, exaggerated sigh, he leaned back in his chair, sighing for what felt like the twentieth time in the past five minutes. 

It was as if he was auditioning for the role of 'Most Dramatic Ice-Headed Boss.' I had to give him credit for dedication to his sighing; it was practically an Olympic event at this point.

As I observed Julian's rather peculiar ice-headed performance, I couldn't help but wonder what had him so indignant. 

Was it the impending arrival of his child in just a few days that had him looking like he'd been hit by a freight train? Or perhaps it was some other office-related conundrum that had him in this state? 

The oddity of the situation wasn't lost on me. I mean, who cools their temples with ice as if they've just survived a tropical heatwave while it's actually cold outside? 

As I continued to observe the curious scene in Julian's office, my attention was drawn to a man with a face that had seen better days, sitting beside my dear brother. 

This man was none other than Randolph Marianne, the current Death God and a someone ranked 7th among the World's Powers. Now, it was no secret that Randolph had once held this impressive rank until I bested him in combat, earning my own position as rank 5.

Thank you, thank you, no need to clap. 

But what caught my eye even more was the transformation in Randolph's appearance. 

Gone was the thug-like countenance I remembered from our previous encounters. Instead, he sported a rather gentlemanly look since he began working as the lowest-level chef in Julian's restaurant. 

It seemed that Julian had given him a chance to start from the bottom and work his way up. Can you imagine? Rank 3 and Rank 7 running a restaurant. They both sure are a good matchup.

My evaluation was that with Julian mentoring Randolph, it wouldn't be long before Randolph succeeded in ascending the ranks. 

Ah, on that note, you see, Julian dabbled in the restaurant business, and boy, have he been busy! His chain of restaurants has sprouted up like wild mushrooms across Asura and Shirone, and they've even ventured into the King Dragon Realm. 

It's been a whirlwind, I tell you.

Now, the headquarters of this gastronomic empire, which was originally rooted in Begaritt, has been transplanted to Sharia. 

Why? Well, Julian and I thought it was high time we put down some roots and settled in one place. The nomadic adventurer life had its charm, but there's nothing like a good bowl of soup and a cozy bed at the end of a long day of work. And wives waiting for you, hehehe. 

Well, wife for him. Sucks to suck, I guess. 

Now, there's something amusing happening over in Asura. 

You see, our second largest restaurant is situated there, and it's currently under the rule of Queen Ariel. But lately, there's been a buzz of gossip about the queen potentially finding herself a husband. 

I asked Julian about it, and he just shrugged and said it wasn't his place to stick his nose into royal matters. I suppose if he doesn't want to gossip, I won't either. Who knows, maybe she's just looking for a fellow food enthusiast to share a plate of noodles with!

Speaking of noodles, I worked with Julian and finally made some good noodles. Since it is a Sharia limited item and we can't be in the kitchen, we've recruited a young lady to make them. But here is the weird part. Even before telling her, her name was Noodle. 

Yep. Noodle is her name. She is noodle. She eats noodles. Basically, she is a cannibal. In a way. Never mind that. 

Seeing Julian with a bag of ice clamped to his head and a deeply exasperated look on his face, I couldn't help but wonder what on earth was causing him such distress. Randolph was sitting beside him, offering some form of consolation. 

But as I approached Julian, perplexed and curious, I had to inquire about his current state. I turned to Randolph for answers, and he looked equally concerned.

"What's going on with him?" I inquired, genuinely puzzled.

Randolph scratched his head, a little unsure himself. "You're better off asking him directly. He hasn't uttered a single word about it. I'm beginning to get worried myself."

Taking Randolph's advice, I pulled up a chair and sat across from Julian, who, despite his usual scatterbrained demeanor, now seemed dead serious. His elbows rested on the table, hands forming a makeshift chinrest as he gazed at me with an intensity that was almost unnerving.

"Hey, Julian, what's eating you?" I asked, bracing myself for whatever revelation might come.

His solemn expression deepened, and for a moment, I half expected him to claim that aliens had indeed paid us a visit and, surprise, I was an extraterrestrial myself. His face was just that serious. He leaned in closer and, in a hushed tone, dropped the bomb.

"You wanna hear something ridiculous, Rudeus?"

My curiosity piqued; I leaned in closer, ready for the revelation of a lifetime.

"Yeah, sure," I replied, anticipation building.

And then he delivered the punchline, deadpan, as if announcing a catastrophe of galactic proportions. "I got all the women around me pregnant. Accidentally."

I blinked, my mind processing this revelation. It was the kind of twist you'd expect in an absurd comedy show. Julian, this goofball, finding himself in a web of unintended pregnancies? That was a curveball I hadn't seen coming.

Hold on just a minute! All women? 

My eyes widened in sheer disbelief. I mean, what in the name of all things sacred and savory was going on here?

"You, you... you bungling bamboozler!" I hollered, my voice reaching notes that only dogs can hear, and I snagged him by the collar of his shirt. "What in the seven heavens is this madness?!"

The rascal in question blinked innocently, the picture of wide-eyed ignorance. "Huh?" he mumbled, feigning obliviousness.

I wasn't buying it, not for one second. "Huh? Huh?!" I spat back at him, positively fuming. "These are your sisters; you utter scamp deviant!"

Out of the blue, I experienced a smack on the back of my head that had me questioning if my brain had just transformed into a bowl of scrambled eggs. 

I turned to Julian, wide-eyed and rubbing the back of my noggin, contemplating whether I should start wearing a helmet at all times. Geez, it felt like he hit me with a pole. And for heaven's sake, how long are his arms?

With his typical deadpan expression, Julian chimed in, "I meant the others, of course. Not from family. Why would you even think of it?" He said and made a repulsed face. Ok, so now I am the villain here. "There's something wrong with you." He spoke. 

You know, there are some battles in life that are just not worth fighting, and arguing with Julian? Well, that's like trying to use a spoon to paddle a ship. 

It's a lost cause, my friend. 

So, when he's got that look on his face, the one that says he's right and the world is wrong, I've learned to just throw in the towel. It's not surrender; it's just... survival. 

It's like trying to convince a cat to take a bath – it might be entertaining for onlookers, but in the end, you're the one left sopping wet and defeated.

I wiggled free from his iron grip, raising an eyebrow in curiosity. "So, what is it then?"

Julian let out an exasperated sigh. "I mean... you do know that Shizuka is about to deliver any day now, right?"

I nodded, my mind racing. "Yeah, we're all eagerly awaiting the baby's grand debut. Why?"

He scratched his head, clearly at a loss. "Well, Ariel, you know, she paid me a visit a few days back. Turns out she's got a bun in the oven too."

I couldn't help but blurt out, "Wait, you slept with the queen?!"

Julian winced, "Not just her. Roxy is pregnant too."

I felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on my head. "Wait, not even Roxy-sensei was spared?" I slumped, feeling utterly defeated. "Man, you've outdone yourself this time."

Julian let out a deep sigh. "Yeah, Roxy's situation is a bit complicated. Same for Ariel. It seems like it happened after just one time."

"You seriously had fling with the queen?" 

"Yeah?"

I couldn't help but burst into laughter, my voice echoing through the room. "So basically, you're about to have a whole army of little ones storming your castle all at once? AHAHAHA! Look at how miserable you look. AHAHAHA! Should've kept that thing in your pants, AHAHAHA."

Julian, ever unflappable, offered his explanation. "It's not about keeping it in my pants. It just means I'm...uh... exceptionally potent, and the ladies around me are, well, exceptionally fertile."

Ugh, this guy. He never fails to deliver a gut punch, both literally and figuratively. Damn it all!

I couldn't help but arch an eyebrow at Julian, my curiosity piqued by the whole Queen Ariel situation. Leaning in with a sly grin, I prodded, "So, what's your take on this, my dear friend? Though I must say, it's quite unusual for you not to have seen this coming."

You see, Julian was a walking encyclopedia of meticulous planning and foresight. 

There was hardly a grain of sand that slipped through his mental sieve. Every detail, from the grandiose to the minuscule, was neatly cataloged in that brilliant mind of his. 

But here we were, faced with the possibility of Queen Ariel taking a spouse, and somehow, he seemed genuinely caught off guard.

I couldn't help but chuckle, the situation too amusing not to prod at. "It's a head-scratcher, isn't it? The man who knows the entire menu before entering a restaurant didn't predict this? I'm smelling a juicy story, Julian, care to share? Indeed you are very sus."

His response was a classic Julian move – he tilted his head with a faux-innocent expression and mused aloud, "I am? Hmm, maybe I miscalculated. My bad, I guess." 

He threw his hands up in the air with an overly dramatic flair. 

I couldn't help but roll my eyes internally. The man was about as convincing as a cat trying to play dead.

"Ok, if you don't want to tell, then it's fine. But what are you going to do?" 

"Hm? What do you mean what am I going to do?" 

"You know, they are not your wives. You only officially married Nanahoshi. What about them?" 

Again, he responded with an indifferent shrug. "Hmm. No idea."

My exasperation knew no bounds. "And the kids?"

He paused, a thoughtful look on his face. "Hm."

HAH!?????????? WHY ARE YOU THINKING OVER IT!????

"They're mine. So, I don't plan on abandoning them at all." He replied with a determined face. 

As the thoughts raced through my mind, I couldn't help but wonder if I had heard Julian murmur something about needing those kids. 

I chided myself for being paranoid. 

Surely, he wouldn't involve his own children in whatever grand plan he had in mind... would he?

Doubt and suspicion gnawed at me as I contemplated the possibilities.

I mean, it's Julian. 

But nah. I must be hearing things. Am I becoming Schizophrenic?

I shook my head to dispel the lingering doubts and decided to change the subject. "Hey Julian, how about stopping by my house for dinner? You must be exhausted dealing with all of this. Maybe you could spend the night there too."

Julian considered for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Hmm, I'm not stressed, but I'll take you up on that offer."

(***)

As we arrived at my house, I couldn't help but remember the previous home I had purchased. Turning to Julian, I spoke up. 

"You rascal! Why on earth did you destroy the previous home I had bought?" I demanded; eyebrows furrowed.

"Well, brother, it had an infectious monster and a few other things that could've been rather dangerous for Sylphy."

I huffed in annoyance. "You could've just told me, you know."

"But that was way before I showed you everything, remember?"

A sheepish grin spread across my face. "Oh, yeah. My bad," I admitted, scratching my chin. After all, you can't really fault a guy for saving you from infectious monsters, can you?

"Wait here; I'll go in and have a chat with Eris," I informed Julian, standing outside the door of our home. It was the first time he would be meeting my wives. 

Well, he was acquainted with Sylphy since he taught her a bit of sword and magic and used to talk to her from time-to-time inside the Magical Institute every morning when he drops Norn and Aisha there. 

But the other two wives had more complicated backgrounds.

Julian, however, seemed to have a mischievous glint in his eyes as he suggested, "Hm. I could call her out without you having to go inside."

I raised an eyebrow at his proposal. With Julian, you never quite knew what kind of trouble or antics he might be brewing. This promised to be an interesting introduction, to say the least.

"Go ahead." 

As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt as if a mountain was placed on my shoulders. 

It was Killing Intent. And it was directed on the house. I could see cracks forming beneath his feet. It wasn't even directed at me, yet it seemed like it was suffocating me. 

Before I knew, a red blur bolted from inside and a streak of silver swung towards Julian's neck. He caught it with his bare hand, gently pressing the blade between his index finger and thumb. "Hello, sister-in-law." He greeted her. 

"Rudeus! What is this!?" Eris screamed at me.

So, I did what any logical human would do. 

"Julian! What was that!?" I screamed at Julian. 

"Huh? What? I was just testing the doorbell." 

"Doorbell my ass. There is a little kid inside." 

"I exempted everyone except Eris. It's fine." 

"What's up with you? You want to fight?" Eris stomped in Julian's direction. Julian looked down at her. She seemed like a lost kid in front of him. 

"I want to go back home in one piece. I would prefer if you don't cut me." Julian respectfully spoke. 

Haha. Cut him. Never trusting a word coming out of his mouth. But that's the thing. He's sometimes lying and sometimes telling the truth. And you can't really figure what's going on. 

"Rudeus says you are fine to come, and everything was your plan. So, I have nothing to say in this matter." Eris spoke while folding her arms beneath her chest. Yum, yum.

*Cough. Cough*

"But I have one condition." 

Eris said while extending one finger towards his face. 

"Yes?" 

"Spar with me." She said so blazingly that it almost made me chuckle. Nice joke, Eris!

"Fine. Spar, right?" 

"Yes." 

"Sure." 

Wait a flippin' second...

They were serious? Oh god.....