-Nice scream by the way-

---

I passed the magic tests with only a few issues. I was literally made of energy, magical, weird and science alike. Quackers passed as well. I have been teaching her basic level stuff in preparation. She grined at me and we laughed while hugging in celebration. "We should have a party." I declared. She waddled excitedly. "We should invite 哥哥 (goh-go) and 姐姐 (jie-jie) home for that." I'm so incredibly proud that Quackers managed to pick up a bit of Cantonese. The twins tried but their vocal chords were simply incapable of forming the necessary sounds. Quackers may be prone to honking, but her species had an impressive range for sound generation.

I took her flipper and we Blinked home. A few phone calls later and I was busy decorating the house. Quackers was somewhat sad she couldn't invite her friends from the childgarden. This is Bill Cipher's house after all. Growing up, she went to her friend's houses all the time but had to make excuses for not inviting them over to hers.

Our main story was that her house was haunted.

Unintentionally, people came to the conclusion that this was due to our house being trolled by Bill Cipher who was non-lethally toying with us for the LOLZ. When Quackers and I went out in public together we got pitying looks which I milked for all it's worth because some of these suckers give us free stuff. I didn't turn down free stuff. Even if I had no use for it! Like that industrial sized printer I got and just...never print anything with! I used it as a table actually…

So no one raised a fuss about not coming over to our house and we had a nice family congratulations party for the two of us getting into Magic School. Kryptos seemed worried about me splitting my focus in half for such a long period of time. "Please~I can handle myself." I told him.

When he took my hand and gave me a stern look, I sighed. "Well what would you have me do? This is a boarding school. I can leave a construct there but-"

He cuts me off "You don't have to split your attention like that. If you want to go to school, do it. If you get summoned then split off a piece of yourself, don't hold them up long term. I...I worry that you might get hurt."

I frown. "But what about you guys?"

"We'll be fine Bill. We can take care of ourselves. Come check up on us if you're worried but if you really want to learn magic, you should focus on it." The Polytool says. "I know magic can go horribly wrong if you do it wrong. I think the risk to your safety is more important."

"...okay…" I say quietly. Kryptos gently pets my hat and I rumble faintly. Feels really nice. "You let me go off to school, you should be allowed to your studies too."

I hug him tightly. "Ok. I will visit though. A lot. Like...once a day." He laughs and hugs me back "Sure Bill."

PaciFire comes up. "Hey, ah, can I talk to Bill alone? I need to ask him something."

Kryptos lets go of me and I float off to a side room with my demon friend. "What's up Paci?"

He fidgets with his tail. "Do you think I could learn magic?" I blink. "Sure. If you wanted to learn why didn't you say anything?"

He blushed. "Because magic's for sissies…" he says self consciously. I flick his forehead. "Hell. None of that. We've talked about this Paci."

"I know…" he sighs. "But I still don't want to be...public about it…"

I hugged him. "You don't have to be so scared about people knowing about your preferences. You know none of us are gonna judge you for it. And screw other people's opinions."

He laughs lightly. "I wish I could be as comfortable with who I am as you are Bill."

"Pssh! I'm the LAST person to talk to about being comfortable with who I am." I go through an existential crisis every thousand years. He shakes his head. "I don't mean that, I mean you have no sense of shame over your hobbies...except your porn."

I flush predictably "L-look, I have really weird NEEDS ok?!" he laughed fondly. "Yeah, like that. Your taste in porn is the only thing you get flustered by..." He trails off. "I'm not as confident as you. I can't go around and parade my embarrassing hobbies like you do."

I reach out to take his chin and lift his head up. "Do you want to come to magic school with us?"

He looks away. "Is there a way to go secretly?"

"What about your job? Your show?" I ask. He shrugs. "The producers are thinking of having me go off on a journey to gather power this season. I'm free for the next few months before the shooting for next season starts."

Hm…

"You don't mind if I transform you into someone else?" I ask.

"As long as no one can tell it's me. I'm just too embarrassed about it…" He grumbled. I giggle and hug his large horn. "Your embarrassment is adorable you know that?"

He face palmed. "Just don't make my secret identity pink…"

---

"In retrospect, I should have known better than to give you ideas." PaciFire glared at me from under his bright pink fur.

"At least you passed the application tests." I hold back my laughter.

"Who's your new friend mom?" Quakers asked as she looked at my 'new friend'.

"This is BubbleBerry. He's gonna be dorming with us!" I snort. We were in a Quad with co-ed dorms.

"I can't believe you turned me into a freaking quadrupedal hooved pink mammal!" PaciFire, or rather, BubbleBerry grumbled under his breath. Yes, his. I was mean but I wasn't THAT mean. I waved him off. "No one will recognize you and you can still hold stuff without fingers. Don't ask me how that works."

He buried his face in his hooves and groaned. "What's even with this weird mark on my butt?" He grumbled at the image of balloons along his back flank. I just laughed.

---

I checked my transdimensional Tumblr account. I had found BlueBill on there (I really hope he doesn't find out I call him that) and he brought up something...distressing.

I checked on my Mindscape. Yeah. The shelves around my Exit door look like...they've been jostled. A distressing thought. I added chains around my door. Now more than ever, I need to get these security features up.

---

I forgot that schools, even magic ones, would involve me having to sit at a desk and stay still for hours.

I quickly grew bored at the lecture and started doodling. I was still paying attention of course! "Miz! What's the proper usage of the Ansuz rune?"

" generally denotes the naming of a god, used most often in telling the spell which god you are pulling the powers from to create the following spell effect." I responded without even looking up.

The teacher blinked in surprise. He was sure I hadn't been paying attention. "Oh. Yes, that is correct." He returned to his lecture as I sketched out the basics for my next book. My publications were few and far between but I liked jotting down ideas anyway.

The lecture was annoying to sit through and I was glad Professor Sev didn't try to stop me from drawing. Me + boredom = Terrible things. He did ask me a question now and then to check if my first response had been a fluke or not. I answered clearly and some of the other students were starting to give me weird looks.

We had a practical application class next where we would take the runes we've learned and try to create a spell effect. I already knew how to do this so I spent the class messing around with some experiments. Like, could I really call on other gods to use their powers for the spell?

There were several ways to use rune magic. With basic runes you can use the 'magical' elements to do things like summon water or set a fire or even create wards that provide protection. Basics just rely on the spell caster linking together the tunic alphabet to calculate and spell out what you want it to do.

Then there was using the Ansuz to draw on power from a particular god. This makes the spell much stronger and, depending on the god, it would 'flavor' the spell with a bit of their power. This power was taken from the gods themselves, but it was such a minute amount that most of us barely notice.

Heck, my worshipers draw on my powers all the time. My 'flavor' seemed to make spells...have random effects relating to the spell they attempt to cast and apparently the crazy bastards who worship me found the mystery of what would happen to be addicting.

Xin could be Invoked as well, despite technically being a false god, his power comes from me and it also makes any spell naming him to have a mild random effect. It's much weaker than invoking me directly so I don't think Xin's worshipers have noticed.

You can even invoke Time Baby into a spell, his runic symbol is his hourglass marking. Mine is, of course, a triangle with an eye (you can add the bowtie and hat for extra power) and now I'm just reminded of how someone on my transdimensional Tumblr pointed out that my bowtie is just Time Baby's symbol flipped horizontally...

I shuddered. Nope, not gonna think about that.

I spent class drawing up the symbols of various gods I knew. I was one of the very few people in existence to know how to invoke the AXOLOTL but I refrained from drawing out his runes. Didn't want anyone else to find out. But I did draw a potato and was surprised to hear a faint echoing voice.

~It has been quite a while since we've spoken last~

Oh. The potato god. I really hadn't expected to hear from him. Didn't I kill like, all his worshipers?

~Amusing, but no, you are one of my worshipers as well. How odd, for a god to revere another such as I?~

Well, I DO love potatoes. They're delicious. Pyronica's dislike of them had me using all sorts of other things as substitutes, like a weird vegetable that resembled a cauliflower. I made a pretty good omelette with that.

'So how have you been Mr. Potato god?'

~Please, call me Spud. It is very nice to hear from you again sir Cipher~

'Please, call me Bill! Oh wow, I didn't think any of the other gods would actually be happy to speak to me?'

~I am still thankful for that you did, all those years ago~

'....How are things going? Since I kinda killed your worshipers?'

~It's fine. Your Cooking Shows using the flesh of my physical bodies has caused an increase in my worshipers. People enjoy eating us and therefore, cultivate and grow us for consumption, thereby worshiping me with their every meal~

'Oh, that's good.'

~I thank thee, Bill Cipher. If ever you need my assistance, I shall grant it~

'...You just make it rain potatoes don't you?'

~I do not have great powers, my deepest apologies~

'No, it's fine. Raining potatoes sounds like something I'd enjoy seeing sometime.'

~Then, if that is all, farewell Bill Cipher~

'Bye-bye~'

Well that was a pleasant experience. My spell went off and potatoes rained upon the courtyard. I laughed for the longest time. The teachers told me I wasn't allowed to experiment anymore. Fuck.

---

I was practicing magic in the Nightmare Realm (since my teachers only allowed me to practice pre-made runic equations now) when I felt the space around me twisting. It didn't feel like a portal…

And what poor, unlucky soul was going to come HERE?

Instead of a person like I was expecting, an ENTIRE FUCKING SPACESHIP comes barreling through the Nightmare Realm, blaring emergency alarms and crashing through multiple nightmares before it glowed with the tell tale light of attempting a Jump via Hyperdrive and the ship smashed its way out of the Nightmare Realm, tearing a pretty big hole as it went. I got sucked out along with a bunch of smaller nightmares that were light enough to be pulled it.

The obviously malfunctioning spaceship (a Hyperdrive is used for dimensional travel but it generally has SAFETY settings that prevent things like this!) barreled through multiple other dimensions, sucking in screaming denizens of those worlds as it went. I was screaming as well as I was caught up in the swirl of quantum energy.

"Aaaaahhhhh-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!" I started laughing once I realized this was the greatest roller coaster I've ever been on.

"Woop!" I cheered and looked over at a creature spinning around near me. "DUDE! ISN'T THIS AWESOME?!" I yelled at them over the sound of dimensions tearing apart and molecular deconstruction as the energies tore our atoms apart. This was AMAZING!

"AUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!" My neighbor screamed, too terrified to really enjoy this wild ride like I was.

To be fair, I think the molecular tearing was killing them. I rolled my eye and spread out a little power to protect them from some of this unstable energy. I can't have fun on this ride with them if they all DIED after all. And the best part of roller coasters was listening to the other people scream.

Or maybe I just enjoyed listening to people screaming.

The 1 hour screaming compilation videos on my ThemTube search history would attest to that.

Once they weren't in horrific pain from their bodies being torn apart atom by atom the crowd of other misplaced dimensional creatures stared in shock at the swirling colors of all the dimensions the space ship's malfunctioning Hyperdrive was tearing through. "WHAT'S HAPPENING?!" one creature screamed hysterically.

"I DON'T KNOW!" I screamed back before laughing. "BUT THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!" I cheered, waved my arms and legs around, and laughed when the ship smashed through yet another dimension and the unstable vortex sucked up even more innocent creatures.

The ride was bumpy and violent and watching the horizon squish and stretch around me was amazing. My companions didn't seem to enjoy it as much as I did but all good things must come to an end. The out of control space ship finally crashed through another dimensional barrier and ran out of the energy needed to power its Hyperdrive for another jump.

A heavy weight descended upon me and I tumbled through the air, losing control over the stability field I was holding around my fellow displaced dimensional hitchhikers. I watched the spaceship crash landed heavily into the ground after slicing through some mountains and bury itself into the ground. The earth trembled as grass, trees and the very land itself was pulled down with it, creating a huge valley.

I spun through the air and landed on the ground. Whoa...that was a wild ride. I hear many splats and screams as the people I had been protecting lost my help and struck the ground at high speeds. (I shivered a little, glad that I didn't see just how high up we were and that I hit the ground painlessly) A lot of them died on impact with some really disgusting sounds and a spray of bloody viscera as all their momentum was brutally, fatally stopped.

Those who were behind the first wave of deaths, a lot of which were my nightmares, fared somewhat better as the twisted bodies of the dead cushioned their landing. They squelched into the still warm bodies of the unfortunate early landers.

It was a glorious display of blood spray. I clapped and cheered.

"Dude! That was AMAZING!" I flew around before realizing most of the survivors couldn't see me. I glanced around myself. I was in the 3rd dimension. That explained why my powers cut off suddenly. I wanted to feel bad for the splattered remains of my fellow accidental dimension travelers but...dude, that was the most exhilarating ride I've ever been on and it wasn't like I could have saved them anyway so I don't waste my time feeling bad about it.

I watched everyone pick themselves off the ground, if they had enough non broken limbs to do so and began looking around, panicking, grieving and generally being miserable. I couldn't stand to watch it so I flew away to check on the spaceship.

It was buried deep under the ground and was broken beyond repair. The few surviving aliens struggled to get anything to work and a few of them made their way out of the ship to the surface where they panicked as the atmosphere on Earth began to cause rapid decomposition of their skin. I winced as they screamed and burned away, leaving nothing but ash that was quickly blown away in the wind.

Well that sucked.

This felt familiar to me for some reason but I wasn't quite sure what was…

Wait.

I glanced around myself. A UFO smashing into the ground and creating a valley?

I look around and felt how the violent entry via unstable Hyperdrive caused the dimensional barriers to break down around this valley. Like the tiny holes I create whenever I come through but a LOT larger and pulling in energies from multiple different dimensions at once.

The holes I make are small (they close after a few years) so only a couple of things come through along with a little bit of energy. But a Hyperdrive, a device the Federation invented for dimensional travel was made to tear through the fabric of reality, could create larger holes that stay open longer. The hole wasn't physical, you need a transdimensional portal for that, but it was there and the dimensional leakage was already happening. As if they were drawn here to the valley.

I wasn't quite sure if this attraction was caused by the ship or if there was some kind of instability that already existed here to pull the ship in this direction to begin with.

Either way. I stared at the valley and felt myself vibrate in excitement. This was Gravity Falls! The valley that would eventually be where everything happens. I was so thrilled even the horrified screaming of the dying aliens couldn't bring my mood down.

---

I spun around in my dress. "So~how's my witch's outfit?" I grinned at Quackers. She laughed and poked my pointed hat. "You really enjoy dressing up huh?"

"Well of course. And I think your outfit looks cute too!"

Quackers honked in amusement and the two of us head out of our shared dorm room to go to class. The school didn't have a uniform but I wanted to dress up anyway. PaciFire rolled his eyes as he troted along with us. "We don't even HAVE a dress code…" He still wore a cute dark blue witch's hat though.

---

I bustle around the Death Star lost in thought (rather, half my focus was on me as Miz sitting in class.) I know Kryptos wanted me to focus on school but I was itching to clean something. Google was wiping the floor and humming to herself. Oh right. I almost forgot.

"You're free to leave now. If you want." I comment.

She paused in her work. "What?" she looked around. "Oh, is the floor clean already?" She asked.

I shake my head. "No, I mean Time Baby has forgotten about you. You're free to go."

It takes her a few seconds to understand what I meant. "I'm...free to...go?"

"Yeah. You've served me as a maid for many years, you've paid off your punishment and since Time Baby has forgotten about you there's no danger in letting you go." I frown "But do keep quiet about what you've learned here or you'll have to deal with this issue all over again."

I turn away to refocus on my magic lesson multiple dimensions away. They're still explaining the fundamentals. Boring~

"Am I unsatisfactory?"

I turn back to Google. "Huh?"

She was gripping her cleaning rag. "So that's it huh? You're just...throwing me out?"

"Whoa! Whoa! Who said anything about that?!" I waved my little noodle limbs at her. "I'm not throwing you out! I'm letting you go. You know? Freedom?"

She shook her head. "Why would I want to leave? I get free room and board, I get PAID, I get to live HERE where you've got all the comforts anyone would ever want…" she quieted down. "I...like it here. I don't even mind working as a maid."

I stare at her incredulously. "Is this that thing? Stockholm syndrome?"

"A what syndrome?" She asked in confusion.

"Never mind, that doesn't exist yet." I groaned. "It's like...you start liking your captor? When an abused prisoner starts to grow fond of their jailer?"

"What are you even talking about?" She asked incredulously.

I shake my head. "This can't be happening."

"What is? What can't?"

I covered my eye with my hands and groaned. "Not important. Just...you're not fired. But you can leave the house whenever you want now. Without needing one of us to accompany you."

I moved my hands and looked at her. "You're free. Do what you want."

She appeared confused. I turned and left the room. Fuck it. I didn't mean to keep her as my prisoner. But it seemed like she didn't want to leave. Auuuugh! I hadn't meant to break her. If she actually wanted to stay with me then she must be broken. Why else would anyone want to stay with me once they no longer needed to?

After all, Pyrone and Pynelope were off doing their own things now. Moved out to get away from me as soon as they were old enough…

I shook myself. They still came to visit. This is normal. Them moving out was normal. That...that's what kids do. Yeah.

I was both thrilled and disappointed when Google left.

I was confused when she came back.

With a bunch of groceries.

Apparently she took my words to mean that she could leave on her own and had decided to use that freedom to refill the pantry. I don't know how to handle this. Plus side, we have more potatoes now.

Pyronica was gonna be pissed.

Which reminds me, now that the kids were out of the house and my century long 'Grounding' would finally let up in another dozen years or so, Pyronica has been no so subtly trying to get her rampage privileges back (she's already managed to wheedle some bar-hopping privileges). I need to find a way to satisfy her destructive tendencies without real destruction. Well, maybe a little destruction. There was a 'Stress Vent' room in the house filled with all sorts of wonderful smashable objects. If anyone was angry or just wanted to break something they could go inside and throw the many vases and other ceramics I made just for that purpose.

Fixing all the pieces was a pain though.

So I finally got down to putting together a proper Multiversal Edition D&D rulebook together. I called everyone in for a game night but many problems arose. It took awhile to make all their characters and have all their stat points, skills and abilities worked out for each of their classes.

I felt bad that Xanthar couldn't play but I wrote up his character sheet for him anyway, he would nod or shake his large face as I went through stat points and stuff. Pyronica was still bored. Finally I face palmed. I was missing the obvious answer here.

My friends cried out in surprise when everything around us faded away and they appeared along a dirt path surrounded by grass and trees.

Teeth, who had been turned into the character he wrote up (Demon Bard), starts laughing. "Oh my dentist! Are we IN the game?!"

~Yup! I figured it would be easier for you to play like this~

"Ooh~now THIS is more like it! Where can I find the nearest village to pillage?" Pyronica, a Multimur Monk, grinned.

Keyhole, a Flooftoof Cleric, looked down at himself and grinned. "This is pretty awesome Bill."

Even Xanthar had been turned into his character. A Lizardian Rogue with a character trait of never speaking. It felt like an appropriate quirk.

They seemed pretty thrilled to play the game in person. I started them out on a simple fetch quest. Go to the mines and retrieve the Goblet of Cleansing and return it to the Church of Socks. The mine was filled with Bandits just to give them a challenge.

It was supposed to be a simple quest.

Just a simple quest...

~WHY DID YOU EAT THE CUP!~ I wailed. ~You guys LITERALLY had ONE job!!!~

"You eat stuff all the time you hypocrite." Kryptos scoffed as his lips twitched. I just KNEW he was laughing about this. He had way too much fun sabotaging his own party during the mission. To be fair his character alignment was Chaotic Rebel.

"Look, we still got the money for the job." Pyronica rolled her eye.

~Because you KILLED your employer and stole all his money~ I groaned.

"Good times." Ammy high hand slapped with 8-Ball. I sighed. Ok. So my friends were gonna be the most murder hobo of all murder hobos. That's fine. I can build my campaigns around that. Still, I watched the group of them head off down the road, laughing and joking with each other and I felt that it was fine this way.

As long as my friends were happy.

Even if they destroy every town they enter…

And kill every NPC….

Ugh...

-----

Magic school was going well.

I excelled in Runecraft and the creation of charms and talismans. Unfortunately what I really wanted to do was create explosions but the teachers said I'm not allowed to do that until 5th year. Uuuugh…

Pretending to be a normal little girl was...difficult sometimes. I purposely restricted my use of my normal powers so as not to raise suspicion. But this was a school and like all schools, it had its share of bullies.

"Oops."

An ink bottle dropped onto my desk, spilling the liquid all over my notes. I clenched my hands into fists and look up at a mammalian type alien with a long furry neck and long ears. Species, Linnae Camil. Name, Middy. Occupation, being my personal tormentor.

"Gee, I sure hope you weren't doing anything important~" she says while batting her long lashes at me. I pout. "Please be more careful." Her friends laughed and the three of them walked off. PaciFire snorts angrily in their direction. Quackers puts a flipper on my shoulder. "Mom?"

"I'm fine." I grumble. I subtly flick my fingers and suck all the ink back into the bottle. It's fine so long as no one sees. "Besides, I've got more ink now." I hold up Middy's discarded bottle.

"You're taking this better than I thought you would." Quackers praised. I shrug. "She hasn't done anything major." And if she does, I can just give her horrible nightmares until she can't sleep and becomes a terrible, sleep deprived mess.

No, I'm not petty.

The first day I met Middy she had singled me out. Perhaps it was because I was the smallest and weakest looking person here. Perhaps it was because Quackers called me mom. Perhaps it was because I defended PaciFire from her when she started making fun of his pink fur. Whatever the reason, Middy went out of her way to pester me constantly.

I try to ignore her. I'm just here to learn practical stuff, not to make friends and not to give bored people the satisfaction of reacting to them. Besides, my Invocation class is coming up.

It felt really weird. Using magic.

Energy can be changed into other states. Heat, kinetic, light, weirdness, chemical, magic, etc.

My difficulty in using magic stemmed from the fact that I've almost always converted my energy into heat, light and weirdness (a strange term but there was no other way to put it) while magic was something I never bothered with before now.

But I have to learn this. Now more than ever. Gravity Falls has just formed and I couldn't afford to be helpless once I made my way there. If my powers were not going to work properly in the 3rd dimension then learning this was a must.

Which was why I had been forced to get a focus.

I held up my staff and pouted. It was so plain looking but that's what happens when I am restricted to just the base supplies the school provided. I didn't even want a focus but as I couldn't quite wrap my head around converting some of my energy into magic, I will have to use this focus until I get more familiar with it.

Once I get this down I won't even have to use a focus anymore!

There were all sorts of different foci to choose from. Wands and staves being the most common. There were rings and gemstones as well. I even found a channeling crystal. I promptly destroyed it.

Damn things convert the user's soul into magical energy and repeated use corrupts them (and whitened their hair for some reason).

Either way, I broke the damn thing before any unfortunate kid happened to try and use it.

I sat through my classes and tried to focus on what they were saying. It was just so boring. When do we get to learn how to blow shit up?!

I moved my head to dodge a crumpled piece of paper. Middy was trying to mess with me again. I sighed. A small part of me was saying "She's just a stupid brat who's trying to fill her sad, pathetic life by tormenting me to give herself a feeling of superiority." But the other part of me is saying "Fuck her up."

Life is hard when I'm trying to hold back my powers.

-----

The years moved on. I still can't cast magic without a focus yet. Well, I can, but the results are rather...unpredictable.

I can convert my energy into magic but it must be used immediately. I couldn't store this energy inside me like I do with my others. The instant magic is made, it wants to be free and if I don't have a specific spell in mind for it the energy goes out of control and does something random.

The teachers told me that I was a Sorcerer type of magic user with Wild Magic. Specifically that my alignment was Chaos. I should have figured. Quakers was an Invocation type and Paci was, of all things, a Warlock. I guess it's because I'm technically his patron?

I wasn't the only Sorcerer type in this school. There were 18 others. Mine just happened to be more difficult to control. The teacher was very patient with me. They even told me that I could wear a limiter to bind my powers so I could use them with more control.

I still broke out in cold sweat at the thought of any sort of binding magic so I turned down their offer. My teacher noticed how uncomfortable I seemed with the idea and kindly didn't suggest it again.

I don't know how Middy found out about it.

I felt my mind go blind with terror as I felt the chains curl around me. Middy was laughing as I started screaming. "Seriously? This is a low level circle that doesn't even hurt…" she sneered.

I had been going back to my dorm after staying late in the library. I never lost my love for reading. Scanning minds may be faster but nothing beat sitting down and letting my eyes roll over the words. It had been pretty late.

I hadn't noticed. I was too lost in thought as I walked on auto-pilot back to my room. I stepped right into the circle.

When I looked back on this I can tell that Middy hadn't meant to hurt me. She simply discovered I was apparently afraid of Binding spells and wanted to torment me for her own amusement. She had chosen a circle that only bound someone physically. It wasn't a deep bind, heck I could have broken it easily if I were thinking clearly.

But I wasn't.

I screamed and screamed. I couldn't move. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe.

At some point Middy and her friend's laughter stopped when they realized I wasn't stopping. My screams grew louder and more hysterical as I tugged at the chains.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. N̷̬̎̓͝ǫ̴̑͒.̵̧̰̙̠͚̿̆̊ ̸̙̞̞̿̂͋Ñ̷̨̬̭ͅǫ̶͚̣̙̂.̶̤̹̀̑̽ ̵̪̼̌̉N̵̹͋̿ỏ̴̟̼̠.̷̩͖͖̙͒̽̈́ ̴̠̪̈́N̸̼̳̩͛o̶̤͚̻̭͑̊̌̿͂.̷̛̹̺̋̽̚ ̵̡̳̺̰͋̀̇͝N̴̲̽͆ō̷̤͈͇ͅ.̸͔̻͎̽̆ ̶̢͈̻̎̂Ṇ̸̡̢̳̈̐͆̓ͅo̷̮̽͑̍͘.̵̡̝̒̆̂͊ ̷͖̿̄̒N̴̰̝̜̘̠̐̆͆̓͂ő̵̦.̸̨͖͙͉̅ ̶̠͉̯͗͑̀̓Ń̷̺̹͙̲̅́́͘ȍ̴̻͉̫̱̓́͒.̴̦̟̜̾͐̑̐̂ ̸̨̡̂̌̎͘͝N̴̻̗̪̮͋̈̄͋̋ǫ̵̭̈́̆͜.̶̠͋̀͒ ̴͍̲̮͎̓̈́͑̌͜N̵̝̬͆͂o̶͉̖͆.̵̙̦̄̀̏͂̏͜ ̵̠̪̘̻̿͐͜Ň̷̜̗̲̋̆̓͝ơ̷̡̫̦̌̄͑.̶͎̩̤̉ ̵̛̪̊̈́͑̓N̴̦̭͓̳̅͜o̶̡̧͎͚̯͋͊̅.̶͓̟̂̃̀͐͘ ̶͎͛̏͒͛N̶̢̧͈̗̂͠o̴̡̦͙̯̔͋͝.̴̬̯͖͊̇̑͌̀ ̶̢̖̳̮͛͛N̴̺͕̺̹̿̐̐̔̌o̸̞͕͚̱͑̎.̷͓̙̦̿͝ ̸̫̻̽N̴̢̈́̃̀̍͝o̴̯̞̩̪̠̓̿͋̈́͗.̸̟̯̹̳͑́͒͘ ̷̨͙͕́͌͆͌N̵̰͉͎̑̏̓͆o̷͉̿̂̏́.̴̧̱̺̭̰͊́̚ ̴͖̩̙͇̂̓͂̕Ń̷̢̪̪͋͊o̸͙͐͝.̸̛̞̰̽̽͑̐ ̷̧̺̝̝̩̃N̴͔̺͓̝̪͗ȫ̸̞͘͜͝.̸͚̱͇̿̒̅ͅ

I could vaguely make out their screams joining my own as my powers lashed out in my panic. One of Middy's friends was sliced to ribbons, blood spraying everywhere as she simply fell to pieces. The other one exploded, her skin bubbling grotesquely until she popped.

Middy's body spasmed as she began to turn inside out. She screamed as her skin peeled back, her mouth opening and folding outward painfully. Her jaw bones snapped and her screams turned gargled as her throat was now exposed to air. Her fur was folded back as the flesh of her esophagus rolled out to overtake her head and begin going down her long neck. Her spine snapped. By this point she couldn't scream anymore but she was still alive.

As the painful process continued, my screaming had alerted the attention of the rest of the school. The teachers were quick to recognize the danger and forced everyone back. A few unfortunate kids stood too close and lost a few limbs. The teachers luckily dragged them away and sent them to the Healer's station.

None of them could get close enough to break the circle. My power ran around wildly and they stared at the growing sphere of chaotic magic in fear. "Get the students out of here!" One of the teachers screamed.

I was faintly aware of what was happening around me. Most of me was still pulling at the chains in panic. Through my haze I heard a voice honk out "MOM!"

My vision was spinning and I had to stop screaming long enough to gasp for air. "Mom! It's ok! Please calm down!"

"Miss Quackers! Get away from there!"

"Get back Quackers! It's dangerous!"

"Mom! It's ok! I'm here! You're going to be ok!"

I blinked, a little of my terror wavering long enough for me to recognize the voice. "Q-Qua-" I sobbed. "Yes! It's me mom! Breathe! No one is going to hurt you!"

"Don't get so close!" One of the teachers pulled the Pladibear back.

"Breathe. You're safe. Just listen to my voice and calm down."

My breath hitched. "I…"

I tried to breathe. I tried to calm down. The chains clicked and I started sobbing. No. No. I can't do this. Not again.

"We have to break the circle!"

"But we can't get close! And our spells aren't getting through!"

"Well maybe we cou- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"MOOOOOOOM!!!"

I hear a grunt of pain, some shocked gasps and then the circle shattered. I slumped to the ground hyperventilating. I was crying and trembling as I laid there.

"Miss Quackers!"

I jolt up. Quackers! My daughter! I turned around frantically, searching for her. Please be ok! I easily spot her large body slumped over on the ground. I scramble to my feet and rush over, tripping over my own feet. "Quackers!"

Please don't be dead.

Please don't be dead.

Please don't be dead.

Her chest was moving. She was breathing!

I sobbed loudly as I threw myself on top of her. Thank Ax. I held her and cried. The teachers were approaching me carefully. "Miss Miz? Are you alright?" Another one was grimacing as she saw the people I had killed. "How did this happen?" I hear hooves as PaciFire ran over to me. "Bi-Miz! Are you alright?! Is Quackers-?"

I was too out of it to really answer their questions. Too tired as well. I continued to cry and they gave up asking once they realized I was too upset to respond coherently.

Through some miracle or bad luck, Middy was still alive. They levitated her to the infirmary and tried their best to turn her back to normal but the most they could do was make it so she could talk again. I found all this out later, I was still too out if it.

Middy claimed I had attacked her and her friends out of nowhere but considering EVERYONE saw me chained inside that binding circle, none of them believed her.

The problem arose when they were forced to contact the families of the kids I killed. In a word, they weren't happy. Even when it was explained that Middy was the one who set me off, they claimed that I was too dangerous to be allowed free. They demanded for a binding collar be put on me.

The teachers explained it was the binding spell that set me off in the first place and that it would quite literally just make things worse. Middy's parents (a couple of nobles, I should have known) angrily insisted upon the collar and my resulting panic attack broke the collar and destroyed half the school. The only deaths this time were Middy's parent since her father had personally strapped the damn thing on me and the teachers had the foresight to evacuate the school.

Quackers wasn't able to calm me this time, she had fallen into a coma after breaking the circle. The only thing that stopped me from killing everyone was the collar snapping as it was no longer able to contain my power. This latest freak out worried the school board. I was expelled despite PaciFire vouching for my innocence.

It was too dangerous to allow me near people. I tried to explain that as long as no one was stupid enough to bind me I was perfectly safe to be around but they apologized and told me they couldn't risk it. I had killed 4 people (two of which were rich nobles and the school was already in trouble for that) and it seemed like Middy wasn't going to live for much longer either.

Frankly, I could only pull up guilt over harming the innocent students, they literally did nothing to deserve that.

I debated bringing those I've killed back to life. The newly dead can still be healed. Resurrection spells existed after all. But they only worked on the recent dead. The sooner the better. I tried resurrection on the other students that were with Middy but it had been too long. The bodies I created were alive but their Souls had already moved on.

I sent another Me to beg Ax for the their souls. He sadly told me that I couldn't have them.

-I'm sorry but they have already passed into the next cycle-

Why do you have to be so damn efficient?!

Unable to stand it, I took the life from the bodies, it would just be cruel to let them live as soulless husks, and took Quackers with me as I left the school. PaciFire wanted to come home too but I told him to finish his classes. We were a month from the end of our 1st year and I didn't want him to have wasted his time there. I received word that Middy died a few days later from organ failure.

I COULD have fixed her.

But I didn't.

I stayed by Quackers on her bed in the Death Star and pet her fur. She wasn't waking up. Her soul was still there. I could feel it. And her body was very much alive. She just wasn't waking up.

I dove into her Mindscape to find it...gone.

Absolute nothing as far as my eye could see.

I cried for a long time after that.

The others tried to comfort me. Kryptos held me close as I sobbed over being a goddamned fuck up. "You're the master of the mind Bill. Can't you...fix it?" he carefully rubbed his gloved hand along one of my sides as I buried my face in his plane.

"I-I could re-recreate and p-put stuff back together bu-but I need a foundation to work with! Th…there's LITERALLY nothing there!" I sobbed.

I could create stuff. Use my memories of Quackers to build new elements within her mind. But that would just be MY memories of her. I didn't have HER memories. I never messed with my family's minds so I didn't have any copies of Quackers's mind to use as a template.

Still, I tried my best to build it from scratch. She woke up…

But it wasn't the same.

She had all the memories of the time we spent together. But…

It just wasn't the same…

It made me feel even worse.

"Bill?" PaciFire, of all people, knocked on my door. He finished his first year of magic school and decided to drop out to come home, besides, he had filming to get back to and he had fun while it lasted. I had shut myself away, I didn't want to looked at the testament of my mistakes walking around. "Bill...can I come in?"

I didn't respond verbally but my door did slide open.

The demon imp came in to find me wrapped up in my blankets. "Bill, we're all worried. You've been up here for days."

I didn't respond.

I felt the bed dip as he sat down on the edge. "You can't stay up here forever. 8-Ball tried to cook and we all nearly died you know?" He tried to joke.

I didn't respond.

He poked the lump of blankets where I was and I twitched. He poked me again and I rolled away. He moved closer so he could poke me again. I reach out a tiny black hand to slap his away. He poked me again.

"Quit that!" I finally snap irritably. He chuckled. "At least you're talking to me now."

"What do you want Paci?" I rolled over to stick my top point out of the blankets and glare at him. He huffed and sat back down on my bed. "I want you to stop moping."

"I'm not moping! I'm grieving!"

"Bill, you can't stay up here forever."

"Watch me!"

He rolled his eyes, a little hard to tell that he was doing it because they were glowing red orbs but I've learned to read his face by now. "No Bill, you can't."

He frowned when I duck back inside my blankets. "Alright. I didn't want to do this…" he grumbled before picking me up, blankets and all, and carried me out of the room. "Stop that! Put me back!" I protested.

"Nope." He said almost smugly.

I curled into my blankets even more. "Just leave me alone."

"Can't do that. You can't avoid her forever."

"Sure I can." I pout.

"But you shouldn't." he shakes me a little. "Quackers is asking where you are."

"That's not my Quackers anymore." I hissed.

"But she's still A Quackers and she wants to know where her mom is." PaciFire told me firmly.

"I don't want to see her." I don't want to confront my mistakes. I killed my daughter. Now a stranger was walking around in her skin and I couldn't stand it.

"Well she wants to see you. She misses you."

"She only feels that because I MADE her feel that…"

"Dammit Bill! Even if her memories and personality are gone, she's STILL your kid and she misses her mother. Not her birth mother, YOU! She wants YOU!"

"..."

"Bill I know this is hard for you. It's hard on all of us. We miss Quackers too but that girl down there is upset and she needs you."

"...it was all my fault…"

"No it wasn't."

"Yes it was!" I popped my face out from the blankets to glare at him. "I killed a bunch of people and I destroyed my daughter's mind!"

"Not your fault."

"Yes it WAS!" I shrieked.

"No. It wasn't."

"What do you know?! You weren't even there!"

PaciFire stared at me steadily. "Yes I was. And also, we asked 8-Ball."

I blinked incredulously. "What do you-"

"We asked 8-Ball if it was your fault. His eyes clearly responded 'No.' So I don't know about you, but we're inclined to believe him." The demon imp shrugged. "He's never been wrong before."

"That's-" I sputtered. "That's subjective!"

He gave me a smug look. "Well it's a good thing it's in our favor then." I sputtered as he carried me into the living room. "That's not how that works!" I protested.

"Mom!"

I flinched and ducked back into my blankets. No. I can't do this. I can't look at her. I feel PaciFire place me on a couch. "I'll leave you two to talk this out."

Nooo! Don't leave me alone with her!!!

I feel someone sit down beside my blanket bundle. "Mom?"

I close my eye tightly. Don't talk to me.

"Are you still mad at me?"

My eye shot open. What?!

"I don't know what I did wrong but I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong." I muttered.

"Then why are you mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you…"

I feel Quackers pick up my blanket ball and hug me. "Then why won't you look at me?"

"...because it hurts to look at you."

"...I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. It's not your fault." I quickly assured her. "It's my fault...how much do you know of what happened?"

"Well uncle Hectorgon said that something bad happened and I got hurt. You tried to heal me but apparently it didn't work and now you don't want to be around me anymore."

She sounded so sad about that. My bricks felt painfully tight.

"I...it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I messed up and I HURT you and I can't make it better and…" I start tearing up again. "...and looking at you just reminds me of how much I hurt you...I can't stand it…"

"What happened? No one seems to know the full story." Quackers shifted my blankets and opened them to reveal me, shrunken into a tiny little, barely a foot long, triangle, crying. "Please tell me, mom." She wiped my tears with a large flipper.

I took a shuddering breath and told her what happened.

She was quiet as I spoke, hugging my blankets and patting my head with her flipper. When I finished she sighed. "Well. So what I'm getting here is that I lost all my memories from my entire life and you gave me back the ones from when I started living with you."

I nod sadly. Not entirely correct but that was about the gist of it.

"I don't see the problem."

I stare at her in shock. "B-but...your memories...your personality…" I wilted sadly "They're all artificially fabricated by me to replace the ones you've lost…"

"And I'm fine with that." She nods to me. When I still looked confused she clarified. "The original me knew that helping you would probably have gotten her killed. She did it anyway." Quackers lifted me up so I was eye level to her. "Which must mean she loved you a lot."

I choked back a sob.

"And...I'm not saying I can replace her. But if she loved you enough to do that then I know she wouldn't want you to blame yourself for this. She loved you, and I love you too. Even if these memories were put inside me from your own interpretation of what she was like, they're MY memories now and I love you Mom."

I shook my head and cried. "But…"

"But nothing. Even if these feelings are fake, they feel real and that's good enough for me." She plucked me out of my blankets and hugged me to her soft fur. "So stop beating yourself up about it. I miss you. We all miss you."

"I...can't forgive myself so easily…" I whisper as I tentatively ran my hands through her thick fur. She nuzzled my side with her bill. I couldn't help but snort at that. Poke the Bill with a bill.

Geez I have issues.

"You don't have to forgive yourself right away. Take all the time you need."

I shuddered and buried my face in her fur. I still felt terrible. I don't know if I can EVER forgive myself for this. But PaciFire was right in that I really can't avoid everyone forever. I held Quackers and cried for the daughter I lost. It didn't matter that she was still alive. I had lost her and it was my fault. I couldn't afford to let this sit idly anymore.

I had to do something about my trauma before it hurt anyone else.

-----

Miz's small form easily nestled into Jessie's arms. She calmly pet my hair the way she knew always helped calm me down. "I'm guessing something bad happened." It wasn't a question.

I nod into her robes. She sighed and picked me up. "Come on, let's go to my room." the other shrine maidens watched her carry me off. Jheselbraum was supposed to be neutral but everyone knew she favored me. There was some jealousy but even they could admit that if I needed comforting, they couldn't begrudge me that.

I told Jessie of what happened. How I had lost control of my powers again from sheer panic. "How do I make this stop?" I asked brokenly as I clutched her robes. "Even if they say it wasn't my fault I still killed them all…"

"You never feel THIS upset when you kill other people." She raised a few eyes at me. I scoffed. "It's different when I do it on purpose!"

"The fact that you feel less guilt for taking lives on purpose has always been problematic." Jessie sighed. "The fact that you kill people at all is an issue we can discuss another time."

I huffed and leaned back to pout as I laid against her. "I just don't like it when I lose control of myself. I don't like hurting people that I don't mean to hurt…" I nuzzle deeper into her robe. "I kill people whether or not I want to, so I might as well try to do so on purpose. It's better than getting upset over the consequences of me just EXISTING."

Jheselbraum sighed. "That doesn't make any sense Miz."

"It does to me " I pout. "Is there a way I can just...stop being so afraid all the time?"

"Is it really so terrifying for you? Being bound?"

"Yes." I whimpered. "I can't move. I can't...breathe...I can't...I just…" I shake my head. "I keep thinking about how I couldn't leave. I was trapped and he could do whatever he wanted to me and I wouldn't have been able to stop him…"

She pet my hair as I babbled. "And I wasn't even able to free myself! No! That fucking bastard freed ME. And even with Middy's circle, I needed someone else to break the circle for me…"

"So you are afraid because you have not been able to save yourself?"

"People have to die to free me. I don't like that. I don't want that." I hissed. "I don't want to be helpless like that!" I hate it. I hate it so much. "Control is everything. I don't want to lose mine. I CAN'T allow myself to lose control." I couldn't allow that to happen. "But it keeps happening and I end up hurting people. I hate feeling like this. I…"

I whimpered. "...I don't want to be so afraid all the time…"

I have no reason to be afraid. I'm an immortal, all powerful being of pure energy...why am I still so afraid? Nothing can truly kill me. Nothing can truly hurt me. Even all the pain in the world will eventually go away. So why am I still so afraid?

I hated feeling like this.

Jessie pet my hair and sighed. "You probably shouldn't have allowed this to fester for so long."

"I thought I could handle it myself."

"Well what is it that you want to do?" She asked me.

I roll over onto my back with my head on her lap. "I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to lose control anymore…"

She sighed. "Your control will probably never be perfect. Your nature is chaos anyway. It cannot be controlled." She shifted to sit more comfortably. "As for your fear...have you tried confronting it?"

"How?"

"Make your OWN binding circle and sit in it until you're not afraid anymore?"

Even the idea of such a thing was freaking me out. She clearly saw my panic. "Ok, maybe that's too much for right now. How about you work your way up? Try physically restraining yourself with something you can easily break out of and get used to that slowly?"

"You mean like...tying my legs together or something?" I asked as I lifted one of my legs into the air. She nods. "Get yourself used to the idea that being bound isn't scary. Then perhaps you'll be able to keep a clear head and not panic the next time it happens."

I shivered but her suggestion seemed to make sense. Get used to being tied down. In a safe environment. Where I know I'm not in any danger. A little of the apprehension in my chest seems to unwind. I feel a mischievous smile stretch across my face.

"So is this my confirmation that you support bondage?"

Jessie rolled me off the bed.

I was laughing the whole time.

-----