-I ask you why should time only move forward-

---

Not even gonna lie. I totally spied on the kids at school. I sat across from a client and looked to all the world like I cared what ze were asking me for while most of my attention was actually watching the twins breeze through their reading lesson. Guess who taught them how to read already? This guy!

"-o I'm sure this wouldn't be difficult for you mister Cipher." My client (a particularly hairy snuffleupagus) leans back in zis chair. Ze has a glass of wine held in zer trunk. I lean back as well. "Something like this is easy. I could do it in your sleep."

"Don't you mean-?"

"Not important. What IS important is what you're gonna give me?" I haven't touched the wine ze offered me. I'm not gonna get drunk during a job. Also I'm afraid of what might happen if I did a Deal while drunk.

Ze makes a snorting sigh. "I have heard tales of your...prices..."

"So long as you keep your side of the Deal and aren't dumb enough to try and cheat me, I doubt you'll have any problems." I say calmly as I spin my bowtie. "You haven't offended me yet so your chances look pretty good."

"That's...reassuring..." Ze said with a sigh. "So what is it that you want mister Cipher?"

"A lot of things." I answer instinctively before actually considering it. My client, Snuzzle, is getting on in years and was hoping I could...extend zir life. Ze wasn't asking for immortality or anything, just a way to get more time. I've gotten better at this sort of effect but I had something different in mind. An experiment if you will.

So I knew how I was planning to grant zis request, what I didn't know was what I wanted in return. Snuzzle was a rich merchant who capitalized on zir species naturally thick fur to start a textile business. The fabric made from their fur is strong and can be woven to become resistant to kinetic damage. It was also very soft and comfy. I hummed to myself as I considered my options.

Even if I can recreate pretty much anything I've seen and analyzed, I liked getting things pre-made if I can. Plus I've been meaning to give the twin's room an upgrade. New bedding would be nice. I would have to fire proof it though...

"How about this? I give you the younger body you want and in exchange I'll get to have some fabric from your wares."

Ze snorts at me in surprise. "That's it? That seems...simple."

"I've been in a good mood lately." I shrug. "My best friend had kids and I've been helping her raise those little monsters. They're adorable by the way! Wanna see pictures?" I sparkled at the thought of being able to finally share the photos with someone.

"Um..." Ze looked like zey weren't sure if saying no would ruin my good mood and thus said "Sure." I was immediately pulling out the large scrapbook full of photos. Snuzzle looked like ze was regretting saying yes as I turned to the first page and began gushing.

"This was right after they were born. They're twins you see! The boy here is Pyrone. You know me and Pyronica actually argued over his name for a bit. You see she wanted to name him Pychael, you know, like Michael but with a Pie-sound?"

Snuzzle buries zir face in zer front hooves and groans.

"Here's when some idiot tried to kidnap Pynelope while we were out playing in the park. Man I tell ya, she clearly didn't realize who she was messing with."

I think I still had her remains frozen in my secret freezer in the Nightmare Realm. It's where I keep all the bodies of my enemies for snacking on. Look, sometimes I get a craving for flesh that mere animals couldn't satiate. And if I was gonna kill people anyway then I may as well eat them. Waste not am I right?

---

"-nd here's that time Pynelope tried to eat Teeth. Ronica says she might have a crush on him and like...isn't she too young for that?"

"Childhood infatuation is a thing and it's perfectly normal. As long as this...Teeth man doesn't do anything to her, I believe it is fine." Snuzzle sighs as zey slump over on the table. "No offense mister Cipher, your children are beautiful, but I'm not getting any younger here..."

I blush. "Right. Sorry. It's just...I'm so proud of them you know?"

Snuzzle gives me a soft knowing smile. "I understand. I felt the same way about my kids."

Feeling oddly peaceful and content upon hearing that, I hold out my hand and even made sure the deconstruction and reconstruction of zer body was painless (it just felt like an immensely uncomfortable itching sensation instead of the cell-bursting agony it would have been normally). This dude just sat through a couple hours of baby pictures and actually listened to me so I felt ze deserves at least this much.

I sigh as the pleasant thrumming of energy within me signaled another successful Deal. Snuzzle was examining zir, or rather, HER body with awe. Their species lost biological sex and gender identity after reaching a certain age. Her fur had gone from a ragged gray to a healthy and lush light brown. She looked amazed. "T-this is incredible." She gazes at me in awe. "Thank you."

"No problem. Um...thanks for listening to me talk about the kids for the past..." I do a quick check "...5 hours. Yeesh! I didn't notice that much time had passed."

She laughs lightly. "Well time flies when you're lost in fond memories."

I bid her a fond farewell and Blinked out of there holding an armful of fabric. I still had time to redecorate the twins' room before it was time to pick them up from school.

---

We still get called in to the office every few weeks because either one or both of the twins had done something. Started a fight, took a bite from someone, climbed to dangerous heights (I actually Blinked in to catch Pyrone when he fell, I was LIVID) and my punishments have so far ranged from time-outs, restricting their Screen-time, purposely not cooking their favorite meals and hour long lectures.

It looks like I'll HAVE to pull out the big guns.

After one particularly bad day in which the twins set the classroom on fire, I went with a cruel and unusual punishment. The two stared at me incredulously as I held up the costumes. "Well? Put these on." I told them sternly.

With exasperated expressions they pulled on the sparkly fish costumes. There was an opening in the fish's mouth for their heads and holes for their horns. They looked absolutely adorable and I snapped a bunch of pictures, to their embarrassment.

"Is dat it?" Pyrone grumbles with a cute pout. I shake my head and give a truly evil grin. "Nope. There's a song and dance as well~"

The absolute horror on their faces was priceless.

Despite the humiliation, it only kept them on good behavior for a few months. We were back in the office before I knew it.

"Ok. So it seems like you two just aren't getting it." I frown at them. The two wiggled in their chairs as we all sat in the office. Miss Des looked frustrated. Heck, I was frustrated. Even Pyronica was starting to get frustrated. There were a few times where I considered more...physical acts of punishments but I managed to hold myself back. It wasn't right. I knew that. I KNOW that. Ugh...

But this was getting ridiculous. I didn't want to consider that my babies were...bad kids...but they just keep doing this. I sighed. "Why is it that you can't get along with your classmates?" I asked. Maybe it was the other kids? I hoped there was some reason for this.

Pynelope scowls "They're dumb!" she says angrily. "They dun know anything!" I sigh. "Don't call your classmates dumb sweetie. It's very mean to say that about them."

"But they are!" Pynelope insists. "They're so slow! And Fitz messes wi' my stuff!"

"Fitz just wants your attention." Pyronica rolls her eye. "It means he likes you."

"Ewwww..." The twins both shudder.

"Nelope, if you feel like the class is moving too slow, would you like to be moved up a year? Maybe that would help?" I glanced at miss Des as well. "I know Pynelope's grades are top of the class. Maybe she's acting out because she's bored?"

The woman nods. "I too, feel like that might be part of the problem. But moving up a grade will have its own share of issues. Especially if her brother cannot go with her." I hide a wince. While Pynelope was breezing through her classwork with no effort, Pyrone was...not.

I look at Pyrone who was glaring at the floor, the ice along his arms was crackling as his shoulders tensed. "Pyrone? What's your take on this?"

Pynelope grabs her brother's hand and steam began hissing out between them. "I won't go wi'out him." She glares at miss Des. "You can't make me!" I notice Pyrone's hunched figure relaxing a little as he squeezes his big sister's hand.

I rubbed my bricks as a headache formed. What am I supposed to do in this situation? Should I just home school them? But the whole point of public school was so they could learn social skills. Ax knows I'm not gonna be able to teach them that. Ammy still has trouble talking to strangers and can't hold down a job for more than a few weeks. I feel like I've failed him. Is it wrong for me to think of Ammy as a NEET?

I felt like a failure as a parent. I abruptly realize I was crying again. The twins were frantic with worry and Pyrone kept wiping my tears away and apologizing. He probably thought I was crying because of him. I WAS, sorta, but it shouldn't be his or Pynelope's job to worry over me. Pyronica was rubbing my back and telling me to calm down. "Bill, how about you sit this one out?"

I made a whimpering noise. Pyronica picks me up and gently pushes me out the door. "Look, ultimately, these are MY kids and I get to decide how to handle this. I'm grateful for everything you do Bill, but I think it's time I stepped up to actually be a parent. I can't just...force all the responsibility onto you anymore."

I nod in understanding even as I float sadly into the hallway and she closes the door. I slump over in a bench and sighed. Maybe I'm just...not cut out to be a good parent. I wipe a few more tears and try hard not to let it get to me. She's right after all. I'm not their mom. I'm not even their dad. This is Pyronica's job, not mine.

I decide to head home. Pyronica's right. She is their mother. If she wants to finally step up to take charge of her children's lives, I should let her do so. I flop onto the face-plant cushion and try hard not to let it get to me. I should try to help Ammy find a job. Heck, I should try to help Ammy find his passion. I have been severely lacking in my duties as a parent.

---

"I don't think you have to worry so much Bill." Kryptos tells me as I roll out some dough. He finally finished his first year at school so he was allowed to commute now. He was keeping me company as I wanted to try making bread. It's time consuming and the kneading process was quite therapeutic. It's not like I was avoiding the awkward subject of asking Ammy to get off his blocks and get a real job.

"You already give us shelter, food and pretty much anything else we want." He watches me punch the dough. "Ronica can handle her kids and I'm pretty sure Ammy's an adult by now. So he should be responsible for himself. How old even is he?"

"It's been around 3 million years since I first found him." I say as I throw the dough onto the floured table. "And around 600 years since I first met you."

"Wait! What?!" Kryptos gasps. I shrug, placing the dough in a bowl and putting a damp towel on top to let it rest for an hour. "The closest star is barely noticeable and there are no clocks or other indicators of time in this house so you guys lose track of time."

I put the bowl in the corner of the kitchen counter where it can be out of the way. "And since you guys don't age unless you choose to (and even then I have placed a level cap on it)…you don't really notice how long its been. Also, different time flows and all that. The teleporter is set to take you to both where and when you're intending to go, barring any overlaps."

I float out of the kitchen as Kryptos remains floating there with a wide eye and a much paler color. As I head down the hallway I can hear him repeat "What?!?!?"

He catches up to me in the hallway and grabs my arm. "B-but my revenge? On my family? On my bullies? How am I gonna-?!"

I roll my eye even as I peel his hand off mine. "I'll send you back in time for that, duh. I do the same whenever we visit people we know in a different time zone."

"Oh...I...I hadn't noticed..." Kryptos calmed a little. "Really? 600 years?" His voice was distant.

"It actually more like 655...but who's counting."

"You are. You kept track...all this time..." Kryptos gives me a look I can't quite decipher. His emotions were a jumbled mess that I couldn't even begin to pick through. Finally he smiles faintly and holds my hand. "You're amazing. You know that?"

I flush lightly, compliments always get to me. "Um...well...time travel isn't actually all that difficult so long as it's between different dimensions..." I ramble.

Kryptos shakes his head. "That's not what I meant." He squeezes my hand "YOU are amazing Bill. You always try so hard, on everything you do. With everyone you meet. You...care about everything. A little too much sometimes, but I think that's what makes you so great."

I flush darker. "O-oh..."

"It's part of why I love you so much."

I grin and nuzzle Kryptos's. side. "I love you too Kryptos." I was very bubbly inside, happy that my friend cared for me too.

Kryptos sighs. "You're pretty oblivious for a god of knowledge huh?" He lets goes of my hand with a fond, resigned look. "But I guess that's part of what makes you so special." He floats away leaving me alone in the hall, confused as to what just happened.

---

Pyronica had found a solution for the kids. One that they and the school both agreed to. I was incredibly proud that she was being responsible for once. It was nice to see her putting in the effort to be a real mother.

The twins were staying in the same class but they were going to assign Pynelope a tutor who'll give her extra lessons during class so she'll have something more stimulating to do while everyone else were doing something too below her (intellectually speaking).

Pyrone was happy to stay with his sister. Pynelope was glad she didn't have to be bored during class. They weren't compelled to act out as much any more.

Sort of.

Pyrone was still causing trouble now and then. Pyronica had many talks with him but he didn't seem to want to explain why. Finally Pyronica asked me to talk to him about it. I was in Miz's form, sitting in the garden with him. My little legs swinging around as I waited for him to say something.

"Why did you start a fight with that other kid? Was he bothering you? Was he bothering your sister?" I asked lightly, trying not to be accusatory. "You know you can tell me anything."

Pyrone kicks at the water. He mumbles something that even I couldn't quite catch. "Yes?" I ask, leaning closer. In Miz's form we were pretty close in size. Pyrone splashes at the water, not looking at me. "When I get in twoble...the school calls you...an' I get to see you..."

"Wait." I frown. "Are you causing trouble just to get an excuse to see me?"

"You ah-ways busy." Pyrone pouts. I sigh. "I have a job. And you have school. You can't interrupt your class just to see me all the time. I already spend most of my free time with you and your sister."

"Spend all time pwease?" He mumbles. I sigh. "I can't do that. Besides, don't you want to hang out with big brother Kryptos or uncle Hectorgon?"

"I want BILL!" Pyrone whines as he hugs me. I wheeze "Pyrone! My little Icepack! You're suffocating me!"

He loosens his hold a little and frowns at me. "Why you so small? Turn big again." He demands.

I cough. "I like looking like this sometimes. I'm still ME regardless."

"But you too small to eat me." He mutters. I straight up blue screen of death'ed for a few seconds. "Excuse me, what did you just say?"

Pyrone blushes and says "When I grow up...you eat me right?"

Nopenopenopenope!

I'm distantly aware I was screaming.

"AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

I picked Pyrone up and tossed him into the pond in my panic before running off screaming for Pyronica.

---

".....so you threw my son into the pond?" Pyronica deadpans after I explained what just happened.

"Look, sometimes...you just need to throw a child." I explain. Pyronica groans. "Bill, I can't believe I have to be the responsible one here and say…don't throw children."

"I panicked ok? What do I do?!"

Pyronica rolls her eye. "Go apologize for throwing him and explain why he can't mate with you when he grows up."

"Of course he can't! I raised him! That's really fucked up!" I wailed. Pyronica has the gall to laugh at me. "Boys like a powerful woman. It's obvious why he would get a crush on you~" she teased.

I shudder. "Nope. That's wrong in so many ways. Ew. No. Also, he's like…17 years old. Fuck, no. No way."

"Then explain that to him." She shrugs, not looking as worried about this issue as she should be. I stare at her suspiciously. "Shouldn't you...help me explain WHY he can't be with me?"

"It's just an innocent childish crush Bill. Kids do that. It's not something to worry about. Just tell him no."

I whimpered. "So he's not being serious?"

"Of course not. You are paranoid." Pyronica grins. "Pyrone's just a kid. If he is still asking about this once he's older, then we have a problem."

I nod. She's probably right. It's not like Zyun-Jan didn't have plenty of crushes on her older cousins as a child. I sheepishly head back to the gardens to find a soaking wet Pyrone looking incredibly confused. I apologized for throwing him and told him that I wasn't going to eat him. Never. It just wasn't going to happen.

He looked a little sad but I told him that he's still too young to be thinking about stuff like this anyway. "Look, you can't keep acting out just to get my attention. I love you and Pynelope a lot and I'm already trying my best to give you the time and attention you need."

He pouts at me as I dry him off with a fluffy towel. "It's unfair to me if you want me by your side all the time." His eye was tearing up. "Oh geez..." I hugged him close, his ice crackling along all the surfaces it touched. "You really miss me that much when I'm not around?"

He nods, burying his face into my chest as he hugs me. I pat his head gently. "Well what about this?" I wiggle my fingers and he looks up in awe at the consolidating particles in the air. They swirled, atoms clicking together as I built a physical object.

A soft stuffed doll shaped like a certain yellow triangle. Pyrone's eye lights up in delight as I float the doll gently down to him. He grabs at it and hugs it tightly. "Is soft..." He breathes. I hug him gently. He nuzzles into the doll and thanks me.

"Love you Bill." He smiles and I grin back. "Love you too my widdle icepack~" I smush his chubby cheeks. He groans and I laugh until he pushes me into the pond. Yeah, I probably deserved that.

---

Pynelope wanted a doll too. She wanted one of Teeth instead. Teeth and I both had to deal with this together. We both sighed in embarrassment as Pyronica continues to laugh at us. "I guess this means Teeth is the strongest guy here? At least that's what Nelope thinks~" she giggled. Teeth groans and buries his head in a pillow.

PaciFire mumbles about how come he didn't rank. "Look, if YOU want a little girl crushing on you, be my guest." Teeth flops over. PaciFire flushed and dropped the subject. I feel another summoning. It's from Time Baby. Uuugh...

"Hec. You're in charge of dinner tonight." I inform him before Blinking away. What does the dumb baby want THIS time?

---

"....YOU LOOK WELL." Time Baby thundered when I appeared in his courtroom. I scoff. "I always look good."

He's silent as he looks at me. "I RECEIVED WORD FROM MY OFFICERS THAT YOU HAVE...ACQUIRED CHILDREN."

"They're not technically mine so..."

He holds up a hand to stop me. "REGARDLESS, YOU...SEEM..." He looks almost...fond "...HAPPY. CALMER AND LESS PROBLEMATIC THESE PAST FEW YEARS."

"Pfft! Don't get used to it." I fold my arms and pout.

"I AM HAPPY FOR YOU."

"You're just happy because my friends are all grounded and haven't caused any trouble for you recently." I pout harder.

Time Baby shrugs. "WHATEVER THE REASON, I AM GLAD FOR THE RESULTS. IT WOULD BE NICE IF EVERYTHING STAYED LIKE THIS." he stares off at a future I don't bother to see. "SADLY, I KNOW IT WILL NOT LAST."

"Nothing does bucko. Nothing except us." I sigh. "Now is this a social call or did you actually need me for something?"

"AH YES, THE STAR NEAR SEN-WEIP IN DIMENSION 293U1 IS GOING TO EXPLODE SOON."

"What? You need me to stop it?"

"NO. I NEED YOU TO MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO SURVIVORS ON THE NEAREST PLANET."

I scowl. So it's one of THOSE jobs. "What's the problem this time? The people on the planet are too smart? They figured out the cure to cancer?" I snarked.

"THEY ARE USING UP TOO MUCH ENERGY. THEY ARE CONSUMING EVERYTHING AT A PACE TOO FAST FOR THEIR PLANET TO RECOVER FROM. THEY ARE DESTROYING ALL LIFE ON THEIR PLANET AND PLAN TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO REPEAT THE SAME. THIS ACCELERATION OF ENTROPY NEEDS TO BE STOPPED!"

"So you want to make sure they all die as opposed to...teaching them NOT to drain their planet dry of all resources?" I frown.

Time Baby groans. "I HAVE TRIED. I HAVE SENT MY OFFICERS DOWN TO EXPLAIN. I HAVE SENT THEM THE MEANS NECESSARY TO HELP THEM RECOVER. THEY. JUST. REFUSE. TO. CHANGE. THEIR. WAYS." He looked incredibly stressed and outraged.

He took a few deep breaths to calm himself before he threw a tantrum. If the multiverse thought MY tantrums were bad...hoo boy, Time Baby's fits can cause all of time to stop functioning.

And somehow I was the scariest thing in the universe?

"So you just don't want any of the people on that planet to escape their destruction when it inevitably comes?" I sigh.

"YES."

"Fine. Same as usual then?" I grumble as I hold out my hand. My flame blazes to life. Time Baby nods. "I OWE YOU YET ANOTHER FAVOR." He takes my hand.

I didn't cry. I know that means something must have broken inside me. But while I float here in space and the planet was nothing more than a small circle in the distance...I felt a calm feeling of disconnect. I didn't have to see all the people. I wasn't killing them, I was simply...letting them die. I felt a slight twinge of distress before looking away. Don't think. Don't feel. Let it happen.

The barrier jamming all transport off the planet held and I watched as the star glowed brighter and contracted before exploding in a flash of glory, heat and radiation.

I braced myself and couldn't help but stare into the light as it flared out and overtook everything in my view. Is that what I look like when I explode? It was beautiful.

Destructive on a horrifyingly massive scale yes, but beautiful.

The little planet was swallowed by the light and heat. The radiation tore the world apart and I watched it charred into dust within a few minutes. There were a few other planets within the danger zone of this explosion but I've already placed a protective barrier around them.

Once the explosion dies down though, what will those other planets do? The radiation will continue to make this whole area a danger zone for CENTURIES and they will no longer have their Sun. They would need to evacuate.

I would need to continue protecting them or else the radiation would destroy their molecules before they can make it out of here. Hopefully their teleporters worked. Hopefully they got out of here.

I tweaked the barrier to hold even while I'm not here and wished them all luck. I allowed my physical body to crumple away before I Blinked home, don't want to bring all that radiation with me.

As I reformed in the living room I saw that it was dark and everyone had gone to bed. A quick flicker revealed that Hectorgon had made meatloaf for dinner. I quietly entered the twin's room and saw them in their shared bed, cuddling each other and their dolls.

A Favor.

That's why I do my Deals with Time Baby.

A Favor to keep my friends safe. To keep my family safe.

For that reason I will turn away and let others die.

"Oh my dears~To shield thee from danger's deadly call...I will sin, I will kill, I will sacrifice my all~" I sang softly as I tucked the blankets over them more securely. I turned to leave, spending my night curled on top of Xanthar in the garden to try and make myself feel better.

---

Word eventually got out that Bill Cipher had children. An old client (a mob boss) who was...unsatisfied...with the results of his Deal attempted to have them kidnapped. We were having a whole family trip to an amusement park when it happened. I was always paranoid about large crowds and it was a good thing I was.

I easily caught them before anyone even realized what was going on.

"Bill? We're gonna go on the kiddy coaster. Are you coming?" Ammy asks, holding hands with the twins as Xanthar stood behind them like a giant purple barrier. My little bread baby loved the twins and protected them like they were his own dough.

"You guys go on ahead, I wanna get some Fronch fried fingers from the snack stand." I tell them cheerfully. Ammy shrugs. "Alright. We'll be at the Snoozer Coaster." He gently tugs at the twin's hands. "Come along you two." He was trying very hard to be a good big brother to them.

I waved cheerfully until they were out of sight. As soon as they were gone my smile slipped away. Now, there was something important I had to do.

---

The mobsters trembled in their shackles. I float into the room twirling my cane with a pleasant smile in my eye. "Well, well, well~what have we here? Some would be kidnappers~" I grinned at them and nearly purred at the spike of Fear I was tasting in the air. "Now really~what's with these faces? Are you upset?" I leaned in real close to one of them and he whimpered. "Are you SCARED?"

"Pl-please let us go." One whimpered. I do a quick scan to see which one was the most afraid. "Hm...no can do my dear~you see, you were planning to do something very naughty today~" I tut at the three men. "You wanted to take what was mine."

I suddenly slam my cane down on one of the men's legs, there was a sickening 'squelsh' sound as the leg broke and burst open, spraying a watery blue substance. The man howled in agony. The other two flinched and one even began to cry. "No one takes what belongs to me." I hiss.

I lift my bloodied cane and press it under his neck, forcing him to look up at me. His face was scrunched up in pain. "Bad little boys who do naughty things like that need to be punished~" I purred as I rubbed the end of my cane against his throat, smearing his own blood on him.

It was partially a show and partially because I wanted to. I need to send a message. A clear, concise message to all the idiots out there. I don't go out of my way to scare people, not normally. Unfortunately, as it tends to happen, there were morons who took my kindness for weakness.

Not physical weakness. Everyone knows they cannot even begin to measure up to my power, but my care for my family was something that could be exploited. I cannot even begin to list all the times people have attempted to kidnap my friends. But that and this are different. My friends can take care of themselves for the most part. Xanthar, Pyronica, 8-Ball and PaciFire are strong enough to protect themselves. Hectorgon never leaves the house without the others. Ammy can warp through his blocks to safety in a split second. Teeth, Kryptos and Keyhole can call me up with their Coms if anything happens (which is just a formality, they can call for me just by speaking my name three times).

But the children were too young for that. They can't react to threats fast enough. They are literally walking targets. That's why I need to make it ABSOLUTELY clear that no one FUCKS with them. I feel the fear coming off my prisoners and grimaced. Even if it means I have to do this. I remind myself that none of these men were good people. They were murderers and child kidnappers.

"Now. I'm sure you're wondering what kind of punishment you get for trying to TAKE what is mine..." I floated lazily around the room, speaking calmly and amicably. My pleasant tone only served to scare them more. They wouldn't be able to predict when I turned violent again. The anticipation frightened them more than anything else. "Now see, I'm usually fine with just an apology but you guys tried to take my babies."

I narrowed my eye at one of the unhurt ones. "And quite frankly I don't think an apology is good enough."

"We're very sorry! We won't do it again!" One of them wails. Another one pleads "We promise we will never try this again! Please let us go!" I laughed in his face. After laughing nonstop for a few minutes I wiped my eye and patted his head. "Let you go? Why that sounds like a splendid idea!"

"R-really?" One of them sniffles, he stares at me with hope in his eyes. I laughed again. "Well I DO need someone to pass on the message to your boss." The guy looked relieved but his two companions were obviously better at picking up what was gonna happen. I place a small black hand on his cheek and lean in close, patting him gently, reassuringly. He relaxed as I continue to caress him soothingly, trailing my hand down his face and neck until I reached his chest.

"So what better a message than a little...demonstration?"

I ripped his heart out.

Of course, this species had like...7 hearts so it wasn't nearly as impressive as it could have been. But although this didn't kill him, he was screaming in agony all the same. The other two whimpered as more blood spilled.

I watched impassively as the man screamed and sobbed. Another one began crying. I turn to them. "So. Quite frankly, I only need one messenger." The three men knew exactly what I meant by that.

Only one of them would be leaving here alive.

"I-I can be your messenger!" The uninjured one stammers.

"Pick me! Boss listens to me!" The one with the broken leg begs.

"Nuuueeeh...." The one missing a heart choked out.

I hum to myself as I rubbed underneath my eye in thought. "Eenie, meanie, miney...YOU!" I point at the one with the missing heart as I sprouted multiple arms and tore out all the hearts of the other two in one quick motion. They managed a choked intake of breath before the both of them slumped lifeless in their shackles. The survivor sobs as the two heartless bodies slip out of their shackles and splat onto the floor, spraying blood all over him.

I rub his head cheerfully. "Congrats dude. You get to be my lucky messenger!" He's openly sobbing in both grief and relief. I release his shackles and he falls to the ground, his legs buckling under him until he was kneeling on the ground. There was still blood pooling out of the open wound on his chest. Hm, that might be a problem.

I float down to grin at him. "So, I'm going to send you back to your gang's main base now. I'm gonna need you to bring one of these bodies with you to show your boss." I flick my fingers and stitch up his chest over the heart shaped wound in his chest. "Since I'm so nice I'll even let you decide who's body you want."

"I...I can't bring both?" He asks timidly.

"Nope. I plan to eat the one you don't take. Come on Stitches, time's a ticking. I can always eat them BOTH." I say cheerfully, grinning with an eyemouth full of sharp teeth. I know everyone assumes that all I care about is food but hey~I like eating people stuff.

He chose the body to take back to his boss. As soon as he was gone I slumped to the ground. This sucked. It made me unhappy to have to do this. But it had to be done. I have to make sure the universe won't attempt to harm my family.

I needed to do something calming after this. The day at the amusement park simply wasn't gonna cut it.

---

Cooking with Bill!

I appear in a bright flash of light to the cheers of the audience. "Hey kids! It's me Bill Cipher and we're finally back with another episode of Cooking with Bill!"

Fireworks go off behind me spelling out

-Welcome back!!!-

"Now we're gonna have a SPECIAL episode today!" I inform my captive audience. "I'm not just gonna have a co-host~"

Two flashes of light reveal the twins squinting into the spotlight. "Is this why uncle Teeth was groaning so hard when you came home with groceries?" Pyrone asks.

"I have TWO co-hosts!!!! Everyone give them a warm welcome!" The audience cheered and applauded. Pynelope frowns "There's no one there Bill." Dear lord she looks so much like her mother with that frown.

Pyrone was happily waving into the darkness. "Hi! I'm Pyrone!" He grins widely as he hugs the Bill plushie.

"And this is Pynelope! Now these two are gonna help me make today's meal!"

Pynelope rolls her eye while her brother seemed much more enthusiastic about it. "What's wrong Thermalpack? Do you want to sit this out?" I ask. She sighs but shakes her head. "I can stay." She hugs her Teeth plushie tighter. "But I dun know how ta cook." She mutters.

"Well that's what this show is for. Come on, I can teach you." I pat her head and she smiles, reassured. I lead her over to the counter where Pyrone was already grabbing at the stuff I have set up. "What are we making?" He asks as I help his sister onto a stool.

"Well today we're making~" a drumroll sound began playing out "-Pasta and meatballs!!!" The fanfare rang out along with sprinkles raining from the ceiling. Pyrone snapped them up hungrily.

Pynelope perked up at the mention of meat. I laughed at the hungry look on her face. "Now first off, I need you two to promise not to eat the meat until we're finished cooking. Got it?"

They both whine. I stared harder. "Got it?" They nodded quickly. I grin happily and flick my fingers, two pairs of gloves falling to the counter top in front of them. "Now normally I'd just say you should wash your hands to begin working with the meat but in your case, the gloves are kinda the best you can do."

I turned to the camera and whispered "Because any attempt they make to wash their hands always ends up with a mess."

I hold up a finger and a pulse of blue ran out from me to sweep across the room. "No worries for those germaphobes out there. I have sanitized them and every thing else in this room."

"How big IS dis room?" Pynelope asks as she pulled on the gloves. I rub under my eye in thought. "Hm...." I stretch out my hand toward the right of the screen and it reappears from the left. I grab my hand to look at the measurement marks that were now drawn across my limbs. "Well according to this...the room is the size of my patience. Huh. My patience is larger than I thought."

I show my arm to the camera to reveal all the size markings were not numbers but tiny letters spelling out things like 'Time Baby's naps', 'A Federation Officer's Self Righteousness', 'Markiplier's Ego' and ' The AXOLOTL's Tail'.

I retract my arm back in with a 'Shu~wip!' sound and grin. "Well back to the show!"

There was a poof of smoke and a large bowl appeared on the counter top along with a plate of ground meat and various spices. "Now the secret to any good meatball is the spices. You can do what you want here but I suggest garlic powder, dill (or something close to it), salt and a hint of pepper just to start. Kids, wanna put those in?"

Pyrone eagerly begins shaking the ground dill flakes into the bowl. Pynelope is holding the garlic powder and frowning. "How much do we need?" She asks. I sigh dramatically. "Who needs exact numbers? Go with what your heart tells you is enough!" I declare.

"Mom says you dun have a heart." Pynelope points out. I laugh and pat her head. "I sure don't. But I can get as many as I want! In fact, that's where I got all this meat from." I pat the pile of ground meat. "Now you out there can use whatever ground meat you want. I just so happened to have the crushed remains of the hearts of my enemies. Really adds some extra flavor to your meal."

"What's an em-many?" Pyrone asks innocently. I drop the pile of meat into the bowl and grin. "Something you'll learn about once you're older."

I supervise the twins shaking spices into the bowl of meat. "Ok, I think that's enough. Just one last thing before we begin mixing it all." I wave my hand and an egg appears in my hand. "Crack an egg into the mix to help make everything extra slimy and sticky. Makes the cooking easier."

"I wanna do it!" Pyrone says excitedly. I "Hmm~" and stare at him. "Alright kiddo. You know how to crack an egg? We don't want any shells in our food."

He nods and carefully takes the egg from me. With an adorable look of intense concentration, he taps the egg on the counter and cracks it. A bit too much, there was egg leaking out but he brings the mess up to the bowl and tried to pry the egg open. It wasn't a bad job actually, he didn't get any shell into the bowl.

"Good job Pyrone." I praised him and he grins at me, looking so proud of himself that I was falling in love with these sweet babies all over again. "What I do wi-this?" He holds up the shell and I gently take it from him to toss in my mouth. Waste not after all.

"Alright, now you can start mixing it all together. Just use your hands to mash that meat together with all the seasoning." I grin. The twins both reach into the bowl to begin squeezing everything. Pynelope makes a fascinated sound "Is squishy!" She says in delight. Pyrone laughs and smushes a handful of the meat. "Squishy!"

Little sparkles were coming from the bowl as they mixed everything together. Pynelope got distracted trying to catch one. While they were having their fun, I turned back to address the audience.

"So while they're doing that, I'm going to be heating up a pan in preparation for cooking the meatballs as well as making the pasta."

I gestured to the pan and pot of water on the stove. "Simply get your water or other similar liquid to boiling and drop in the pasta you want."

There's a twinkling sound as several different types of pasta appeared before me. "Now the most traditional one is Spaghetti but you can use whatever shapes you want. I enjoy fettuccine personally."

"I want the twiangle ones!" Pyrone says loudly. I roll my eye. "Really now? How about you Pynelope?" She looks at the assortment of pasta shapes on the counter top. "The loopy ones." She decides.

"The Infiniguini?" I ask as I hold up a mobius strip shaped pasta. She nods. I shrug. "Alright then. We'll use the Infiniguini and the triangle Maltagliati then." I dump them into the pot of boiling water.

"Now, while we're waiting for them to cook, you kids start rolling the meat into little balls okay?"

I make a large plate "Put them on here when you're done. Try to see if you can make them all the same size." As the children started on that I decide to work on the sauce.

"Now you can always use store bought sauce but an old friend of mine once told me "BLASPHEMY!!!" and then she laughed at me so....I guess we'll make the sauce ourselves."

I reach up until my hands leave the screen and reappear from the front of the counter with a bunch of ingredients. "Frankly I should have done this earlier but time has no meaning here and things finish when I want them to finish so it's no big deal for me."

I deposit the ingredients and they sparkle as the camera pans across them. A "Wow~" sound rings out. "So, to make the basic red sauce you just need tomatoes, oil, basil, salt, onion and garlic!"

I dump everything into a blender. "I should probably chop them up but I'm lazy and it's not like I'm gonna measure this out anyway...SO!" I flick on the blender and laugh maniacally as it grinds. "I love that sound!"

"Bill! We done!" Pyrone chirped as he holds up the plate covered in lumpy, misshapen meatballs. They were perfect.

"Good job kids!" I take the plate and materialize some clamp-clamps. I click them a few times before carefully putting the meatballs into the heated and oiled pan. They sizzled nicely. "Now stay back alright? Oil burns hurt."

The two nod and stare in fascination as I carefully cook all the meat balls. "Now generally you can just leave them to cook until they turn brown. Make sure you turn the meatballs so they cook evenly."

I keep an eye on the pasta as well. "Hey kids, wanna grab that long fork there and stab out one of the noodles to see if they're cooked yet?"

They were happy to help out cooking despite Pynelope's initial hesitance. The two have been watching me cook all their lives but I've never let them near the stove before. Hm...I should have Ammy for my next episode.

They pulled out a few noodles. "How do we know it's done?" Pynelope asks. I giggle. "There's several ways, you can eat it and see if it tastes don-"

They were already chewing on the pasta before I finished my sentence. I sigh fondly. "Well? Do they taste done?"

Pynelope nods. "Ish soft." She says with her mouth full. I nod and sprout another arm to lift the pot up. "Move out of the way kids, boiling water coming through." They giggled as they slipped off the counter and watched me pour the pot out, materializing a strainer as I went.

"Ok, pasta, done." I looked at the blender "Sauce, done." I checked on the pan. "Meatballs, done."

I turned off the heat and grinned at the twins. "You know what that means?"

"What?" They asked.

A glorious victory music played and a banner dropped down from the top of the screen displaying -Congratulations!-

"You two have just finished cooking your first meal!" I cheer as I picked the two up into a hug. They squealed with laughter as I spin around in the air. "Alright kids. Who wants to go show your mom what we all just made for dinner?"

They laughed happily as the screen faded out and the ending theme began to play. The narrator comes on to say "Cooking with Bill is brought to you by Banjos. Banjos. The most intrinsically wholesome instrument in all the multiverse. It makes Evil cringe."

---

Some UTTER imbecile thought it was a good idea to try kidnapping the kids while they were at school.

I glared venomously at the twitching bodies on the ground. I can't believe someone was stupid enough to try this. Especially after I made that not-so-subtle threat on my cooking show. Seems like I've been too merciful. Around me are crying children. I regret that they had to see this.

I didn't have much of a choice though. When I saw what was happening through my doll that Pyrone brings with him everywhere I didn't have a lot of time to act. I Blinked there and immediately blasted the would-be-kidnappers.

Attacking a child-garden?! Seriously?!

There were guns strewn across the ground and I quickly grabbed them into a bubble. I was severely tempted to just kill these guys (actually, I think a few of them WERE dead from my initial attack...yup, that is brain tissue splattered on the wall) but I managed to calm my breathing enough to bubble the rest and turn to one of the terrified teachers.

"Be a dear and call the cops." I growled, my bricks a deep dark red in color. I could feel the twins trembling in my extra arms where I was holding them. I turn my attention to them, making sure they were unharmed and hugged them up against my bricks. "You two alright?" I rumbled.

They were both crying in distress and I nuzzled them in an attempt to comfort them. "It's ok. I'm here now." I rubbed their backs, color fading between red and yellow. I couldn't help slipping into a growl as I spoke. I ended up hugging the other children as well. Being able to grow more arms was useful.

When the Federation cops showed up I was nearly shot but the teacher managed to explain what happened quickly. Good thing too, if that idiot opened fire while I was COVERED in children I probably would have ripped his head off. I was still red but rumbling soothingly even as I glared at everyone who wasn't one of the children cuddling onto me.

The teacher explained that some armed men had broken into the school and started making threats. Then I had shown up, blazing red and blasting the men before anyone got hurt. The officers quickly arrested the survivors and confiscated the weapons before turning to me.

I held my babies close and growled at the officers when they came up to me. One of them carefully put their hands up, weapon put away and tried hard to look non-hostile. "Mr. Cipher...we'll take it from here. Can you...let go of the children?" I growled louder and they wisely backed off.

One of the teachers tried next, flinching only slightly when my glowing slit pupil locked onto her when she came closer "Excuse me Mr. Cipher? Please let go of the children. We've called their parents and they'll be coming to pick them up soon." I growled quietly but she stood firm even as the officers shifted uneasily. "None of that. We are grateful you protected them but you WILL need to return the children."

I quieted and slowly lowered the kids down. They remained by my side although a few ran to their teacher and held onto her. She glanced at the ones who were still holding my hand(s) and sighed. "Alright everyone, your parents will be here soon."

A few officers stayed behind to keep an eye out for further threats as the rest took the criminals away. One called for a clean up crew for the bodies. I was still pulsing red and growling at anyone who came close. Pynelope taps on my bricks. "Bill?" She asks softly.

"What is it sweetie?" I haven't taken my eye off from watching the adults. "Is mommy coming?" I relaxed slightly, flickering yellow for a second. "Yes. She's coming." Soon the parents began arriving, blanching when they saw me 3 times my usual size, dark red and growling. As each child left my side to join their parents I relaxed a little more.

Pyronica rushed into the room and the twins started crying as they ran to her. She scooped them up into her arms in relief. "It's alright you two, I'm here..." She glanced at me worriedly. "Bill, you're still red."

I growled "I'm having a bit of trouble calming down..." She looks anxious at my continued red state but ultimately sighs and leans against my side. "Alright then. Take all the time you need." She murmured quietly.

Once all the children had been safely returned, I Blinked us home, but I was still red and just couldn't seem to get back to normal. Everyone was walking around on eggshells around me, unsure how to deal with my constant growling. Xanthar tried his best to snuggle with me but it just wasn't working. I don't like being red all the time. But I didn't know how to stop.

Finally I informed everyone that I was gonna leave for a bit and try to get my head back in order. Teeth wished me luck. The twins clutched their dolls and looked so sad. I gently pet their heads "Don't worry. I'll be back soon ok?"

Checking on Earth didn't help. I was happy to see that the ancestor of mammals and more dinosaurs I recognized were a thing now but even possessing a Stegosaurus didn't do much to cheer me up.

I went to the only person I knew would be able to help.

---

"Ax..." I growled sadly as I floated through the clouds, wincing at how monstrous I must look with these huge openings between my bricks drooling black oil and filled with teeth. I wrapped my many hands around myself and tried to feel less...ugly. I looked down at myself and winced. If my form reflects my mental state, I must be absolutely hideous right now. I whimpered and tried to change back, but I just couldn't.

Large arms envelop me in a soft embrace. I relax, leaning into the hug. "Ax..." I cried. He rumbles. "Ax, why can't I calm down?" I ask as tears trickled down my planes.

-Because you're still angry-

"How do I stop?"

-It'll stop once you are no longer angry-

"But I WANT to stop..." I cried, agitated. "Why can't I stop?!"

-You haven't worked through all your feelings yet-

"So there's nothing I can do?"

-You must let yourself feel, rage, scream, cry...let it all out-

"You know how destructive my tantrums are. I can't do that. It'll hurt too many people."

-There's only us here-

I blinked away some tears. Oh. Right. "Are you sure I can do that here? What if I hurt you?"

-This too, I believe, is the responsibility of a parent- he responds. I couldn't help but tease a little. "Are you a masochist too?"

The mildly offended look he gave me sent me over the edge laughing hysterically. It eventually devolved into sobbing and then screaming. I raged for a long time. I swore vengeance upon those bastards who dared to think they could harm my FAMILY. I planned out the horrid things I would do to them. I don't know how long I was riding this roller coaster of emotions, sending out blasts of thermal energy and screaming swears in unholy tongues but eventually I collapsed. Utterly spent.

I was exhausted. And yellow again, which was good. Ax rubbed my back until I rumbled in content and I relaxed bonelessly in his hand. This feels nice. For a second I found myself missing Handy's massages. It's not fair he ruined that for me. I would love to get a deep back massage again. Unfortunately I can no longer trust any stranger to touch me.

"I'm a mess." I declare sadly.

-You are complicated-

"A complicated mess." I clarified.

-You shouldn't talk down to yourself all the time. You're not as bad as you believe-

"Pfth! Who's worse than me?"

Ax is quiet for a while. I was about to say I told him so but he holds me close and whispered -I'm not perfect-

I stare at him incredulously. "What do you mean? You're...the AXOLOTL."

-And I am just as flawed as everything else- he sounded so sad. -Don't put me on a pedestal. I am just as selfish as any other creature with free will- he looked as if there was something he wanted to tell me. Ultimately he simply looks away, a sad look on his face.

I considered his confession. He sounded so close to tears admitting this to me. I nuzzled against his large head. "Well even so...I think you're pretty great."

He shivered. I hug his face. "I love you Ax." He doesn't respond in words but he holds me closer and cries. A large tear lands on my head.

"Ax...if you want me to hang out with you...you can call me too you know?" He just shakes his head. -I don't want to pull you away from your life-

"Well you're part of my life too." I remind him. "You've always done so much for me. I want to help you too you know? I just feel like there's not much I can offer you in thanks for every thing you do for me. You taught me how to use my powers. You taught me how to be a god. You always guide me when I'm lost. And yet I…can't do anything for you…"

-This is more than enough- he rumbles as he holds me close. -You should get back now. They're waiting for you- the under current of emotion in his voice made me pause. It was hard to get a good read on him, I can't really sense his emotions like I can with other people.

"Pfth~they can wait. You need me right now." I hum as I pat his large face. "You know you can come visit me if you want right?"

-I'm too big- he protested. I roll my eye. "Send an avatar. I know you can. Don't think you can make excuses now that you've put the idea in my head."

I end up leaving the Space between Spaces with a little axolotl in a glass bowl.

---

"You're okay now Bill?" Pyronica asked worriedly when I arrived home. I grinned. "I'm doing MUCH better."

The kids were already running into me with happy cries. I laughed and hugged them. "Where you go?" Pyrone asked. "Oh, I went to stay with my adopted father for a bit. He always knows how to make me feel better."

"Your dad?!" The twins gasped.

I notice my other friends watching me closely. PaciFire was curious about this mysterious adopted father. He'd never heard anything about the great demon Bill Cipher having a dad.

"Yup. In fact...do you two want to meet your grandpa?" I ask cheerfully. The two nod and I hold back a laugh at my other friends leaning in not-so subtly.

"Ta dah! Meet grandpa Ax!" I cheer as I hold out the little bowl of water with the tiny Axolotl inside. The gobsmacked looks on everyone's faces was hilarious. "Dats not a twiangle!" Pynelope tells me bluntly, staring at me like I was insane (which I am). PaciFire started choking on air.

"The...AXOLOTL is Bill's adopted FATHER?!" He wheezed. Kryptos pats his back and sighs "That's why he calls the Oracle his sister..."

"How?! Did?! This?! Even?!" PaciFire gasps as he waves his arms around wildly.

"Wait! Wait! Is that...the ACTUAL AXOLOTL in that jar?" Kryptos does a double take and stares at the happy little salamander. I giggle. "Naw. This is one of Ax's Avatars. He's too big to move around easily. Planet sized salamander and all that." I wave my hand to set up a nice tank for Mini-Ax.

"Grandpa?" Pynelope pokes at the animal. It blows bubbles at her and she squee'd. "Grandpa is cute." She decided.

"T-the purest and most powerful god in all of existence-" PaciFire stammers.

"The 1st god in all existence actually." I shrug as I put Mini-Ax into his new tank. He swims around happily. "Seriously, why does everyone make such a big deal out of this?"

"-he adopted YOU. He...adopted a...demon god?" PaciFire looked so confused. "Why? How?!"

"It explains why Bill's so nice..." Kryptos points out.

"It's not that big of a deal. Ax is just the only thing powerful enough to handle me when I go nuts." I shrug. It was...nice to finally tell them out right. Sure a few of them knew but this was Confirmation. I'm mainly pleased that Ax was finally sending out an Avatar to interact with the outside world aside from the ones sent to observe it.

"Ok, you keep dodging the question. But enough is enough. Bill. Why, did the AXOLOTL adopt you? Why you? Out of all creatures in existence?" Kryptos asks me firmly.

I flicked my bowtie. "Um..." It was still too embarrassing to talk about THIS but the compass was adamant as he stared me down. "Um...well..."

Everyone was staring at me aside from the twins who were still cooing over the little salamander swimming in his tank. I flushed. "Ok well...how much do you guys know about the AXOLOTL?"

"The AXOLOTL is the supreme god of the multiverse. A being of pure light. He is Life itself." PaciFire whispers. I roll my eye. "I mean, sorta? His IS a god of Life, Space, Order and Wisdom. Dunno about the light part though, I glow brighter than he does."

I sigh. "Now how about Time Baby. What do you know about him?"

"He is the god of Time. The Judge. His word is law." Keyhole pipes up. No doubt it was something he's been taught in school. I nod. "His word is law, and the law is mostly bullshit. Regardless, he IS still the god of Fate, Time, Judgment and Truth."

Kryptos put it together first. "What are YOU the god of?"

"...Death, Energy, Chaos...Knowledge..." I list off.

"Bill." Kryptos breathes "How old are you? Really? In comparison to the universe."

I wiggle and flush a deeper orange. "I'm either the 3rd or 2nd oldest being currently in existence. I'm not sure sure if Time Baby is older than me or not. I think he IS a bit older than me but I don't know for sure..."

"By the void." Hectorgon sits down heavily on the couch. "You're an elder god. Fuck, you're a PRIMORDIAL god."

"One of the first creatures in existence...but...that makes no sense! You had a family! You had PARENTS!" If Teeth had hair he would be pulling it out.

"That was back in the 2nd dimension. The 2nd Era. This here-" I wave my arms around me and our house fades away to show the vast multiverse "-is the 3rd Era. The 3rd iteration of Existence. The AXOLOTL was born in the 1st Era. I was born in and the only survivor of the 2nd. I think Time Baby was born sometime between the 1st and 2nd Eras but he didn't fully take up his duties until the 3rd Era started after I destroyed the 2nd."

It was something I figured out over the years. After all, Time didn't exist in the 2nd Dimension. Which means Time Baby didn't enforce his rule upon it. I've never outright asked Ax about it because it wasn't actually all that important in the long run. My friends didn't seem to think so.

"How...are you....a LITERAL GOD and still-?!?" Kryptos sputtered.

"Still what?" I narrow my eye at him.

He makes a frustrated sound. "Still so...terrible at life?!" He groans.

I gasp "I'm not that bad!"

"Hell yes you are." He deadpans.

To my despair, all my friends nodded. "Yeah, you are not well equipped to take care of yourself." Pyronica points out "Despite being good at taking care of others."

"You don't have the political/religious power, reverence and authority that either Time Baby OR the AXOLOTL have." Kryptos points out "Even though you could easily gain such a thing if you actually tried."

Well yeah, if I threw my power around...probably? But then Time Baby would be forced to actually stamp me down and trap me in the Nightmare Realm or something. Living in 'relative' obscurity as a 'simple' chaos god was easier.

Hectorgon sighs. "I never realized a Primordial entity could be so...normal..."

"What part of me is normal?!" I cried, mildly offended.

"You go grocery shopping, do the laundry and you wash the dishes." Hectorgon points out.

"You changed the pillow cases so they 'matched your aesthetic' just last week." Ammy says.

"You spend hours watching 'cute animal compilations' on ThemTube." Keyhole deadpans.

"You cry during movies AND my performances." Teeth adds.

"You were crying when your tomato plants got destroyed while the twins were playing tag in your garden." PaciFire sighs.

"You were crying when we ran out of potatoes..." Pyronica mutters.

"You sing in the shower. In multiple different forms. Together. In unison." Kryptos face palms.

Xanthar looks at me and mimes the way I try on clothes during me and Pyronica's many shopping trips.

"Um..."8-Ball scratches his head "...you're also very nice when you're not mad."

"Uwu~" I moan in embarrassment as I cover my face. My friends all nod to each other. "Bill. You act NOTHING like a Primordial God." Hectorgon concluded. "The AXOLOTL is the untouchable all encompassing GOD of the universe, Time Baby is the unyielding judge, jury and sometimes executioner. Meanwhile you're…the kind of person who hosts cooking shows…"

"Which is a good thing...I think?" Keyhole rubs his head with a pained look. "You're not distant like the AXOLOTL, nor are you overbearing like Time Baby...you're...you. And...it's weird to think that you're really one of the foundations of existence."

"Is me being a true god really that strange?" This was why I didn't really talk about it. It was weird to have people know. I don't want that kind of attention. I was overheating and blushing madly.

"Kinda? The weird part is how no one knows about it. The AXOLOTL never interacts with the mortal world and we STILL know he's a God. Everyone knows he's in charge of dolling out Souls to all living creatures. How did you manage to hide YOUR status for so long?" Teeth asks.

I shrug. "The universe is stupid, no offense, and demon gods are a dime a dozen, so no one really suspected that I was anything truly special."

"It's weird that you're a Primordial God. How powerful even are you?" Kryptos wonders.

I hum as I thought "Well I could theoretically vaporize an entire dimension within a few hours. But that's pretty rude."

"You always equate things to how rude they are. Why is that?" Ammy questions. I shrug "I can't really say things are good or bad because good and evil are entirely subjective. Is it Good to obey the law? But what if the law is unfair? What is fair? Such things cannot be measured or agreed upon by all people and all cultures."

I reach my arms out to get the twin's attention. They run over to cuddle against my side. "But rudeness? That is something I can understand. Killing a person who has done me wrong, that's perfectly fine, they were rude to me. Killing a person who has done nothing to me, that's not fine and it was very rude of me to take their life for no reason. It's a much easier way to look at the world." I hugged the children.

"Those men who invaded the school? Incredibly rude of them to try and kidnap some helpless children. So there's nothing wrong with killing them." I explain matter of factly.

The twins shivered in my arms. "Dat was scawy..." Pynelope says quietly.

Ammy nods. "I think I understand."

Kryptos groans and leans back on the couch. "I think I learned more about the world then I wanted to today."

"Just keep it a secret. I don't want the universe knowing what I am. 8-Ball, if you don't think you can keep your mouth shut, I can Curse you into secrecy."

8-Ball whimpered. "N-no thanks. I'll be good..."

"It wouldn't hurt. I just change around a few words is all." He still looked apprehensive so I dropped the subject. "Look, this changes nothing. Right?" I asked with a pleading look. Pyronica rolls her eye. "Of course not. You're still the same idiot I know and love." I relaxed and the twins snuggled into me, not understanding what we were talking about but wanting to reassure me anyway.

"It's weird to think about...but I guess it doesn't really change anything..." Keyhole shrugs. The rest of my friends all assure me that it was fine. I was still the same Bill and their friend, that's all that matters.

I was still half tempted to knock them all out and convince them this discussion was all a fever dream. I was still blushing madly. "Is it really that embarrassing Bill?" Kryptos asked.

"Yes....."

"Why?" He blinks at me in confusion. For him, being an important and powerful god was something to be proud of. But I just blush even harder.

"It's stupid! I don't do much to help in running the multiverse like the others do. Ax keeps life going by recycling Souls. Time Baby is an asshole but he does give the world stability. Me? I don't really contribute much so I don't like being compared to them." I sighed. "I don't do anything important, so I don't feel like I should count as a major cosmic entity."

Pyrone tugs on my arm. "But you is important! You Bill!" He says simply. I laugh lightly. "Well I guess you're right little dude." I tickled him and he giggles. My friends all groan. "There's no point talking to her huh? She just doesn't listen..." Hectorgon sighs.

"He really can't understand that he IS important…" Pyronica deadpans.

"Why is the god of knowledge such an idiot..." Kryptos moans as he bangs his head against the couch. "Screw this, I'm going back to studying." He floats off grumpily.

I tilt in confusion. What's that all about?

---