Don't cut me down , please

Tis 9:15 am the morning of my reality a day where my happiness was eaten a whole were I felt as if my hard work and efforts as a woman, a lover, and a wife were taken away from me I knew nothing of yet only my position of a wife, that was who I was my only identity eaten away from me, dear lord I ask why to punish me, I wished to give my husband everything yet he distractingly looks at me with hatred.

The doctor showed up to him with the results of my inability to have children, "Your wife Catherin will not be able to have any kids, unfortunately, she suffers from ovarian cancer and she may have to undergo surgery to remove both of her ovaries and fallopian tubes, we must act quick before the cancer spreads, it usually does from the pelvis to the lymph nodes, abdomen, intestines, stomach, chest or liver.

At that moment my husband looked displeased with me knocking over the table he stood in front of, I was so confused, yet I began to blame my self, once more, he walked off the office and left me alone with the nurse, the nurse looking a bit scared from my husband's reaction but I could see her eyes filled with a feeling of sympathy for me, I believed I did not deserve the sympathy of her but only craving it from my husband the man I spent most of my life with, I left the hospital looking for my husband waiting for me in the parking lot, he did not even look at me, not even unlocking the door he was spaced out, i knocked three times for him to open up for me.

On our drive home , things were quite , the air was tense , 'look- , "just keep quite Catherin" , he cut me off , 

'I'm sorry', sorry for what? 

'that i cannot bare your children' 

You knew did you not, you probably kept it a secret so I'd marry you correct?

' i can't believe you would think that lowly of me'

To think Catherin that i fucking married a woman who can't have kids, you wasted my life savings this is what you give me in return I would of left you earlier if I would have known

' What, I thought you loved me you don't mean that, did you not promise too, (I start to fast my tears, gulping down my words down my throat my chest becomes tight), it is not my fault why do you blame me, we can find another way, if we just can.

[He does not speak a word]

I head straight to the shower, my place of release, I get on my knees crying, and I tighten my hands around my throat trying to keep the sounds down, I love him so much that my heart feels like it is on the verge of its own suicide knowing my beloved is angry with me...

I get out of the shower to see him asleep, I sit outside on our swing looking at the night sky and counting the stars, I think to myself' Will I never have children, will I not have a little girl or boy of my own, in my arms, will I never get to feel motherly love of my blood, have I failed my husband all these thought overwhelmed me, I decided to sleep off the pain on my chest as my husband pushes my arms away as i seek his comfort ,when I needed his comfort the most, the cold comforted me instead.