Secret Prayers

~ Poverty is like punishment for a crime you didn't commit.

I stared at the board even as Mr Brighton seems immersed in his make-believe world where students give a damn about where a dinosaur's bone was first found in history, pretending to be listening to his endless ramble just like everyone else.

He was talking about some kind of comet that hit the earth in 3000 BC and Tory, a history obsessed proud geek indulged him in his conversation and although I knew I should be taking notes, mentally thinking of how to access my neighbourhood's only library that was out of shape and dilapidated to browse through some of the available history books to have more knowledge about this, I couldn't stop thinking about Law Tyler.

It was impossible to, especially since if I sniffed hard enough on my clothes, I could still perceive his unapologetic manly Cinnamon musky scent that reminded me weirdly of fresh rain.

It was stupid of me to even still remember the strange words he had told me and the fact he had called me Amelia should convince me that he wasn't in his right senses when he made those bold declarations, but I couldn't help it, nobody has ever looked at me that way like I was wanted, cherished, loved...

I scoffed at my pitiable self inwardly, this is what happens when you attend a school and no male has even spared you a second glance except to pick on you, bully you and pass snide remarks.

Back when I was a middle school student in the state public school, I wasn't the most popular girl in school or the Queen bee but I'd felt average, knowing I could be beautiful if I got rid of the braces I had on back then and always wear my big goofy grin. Rob would always tell me that I was the most beautiful girl he knew and back then though I do shrug and flush brilliantly, turning the shade of his favourite crimson-coloured boots, a part of me knew he was just being a good brother and was being too kind in his compliments and then a little part of me that struck poses in front of the mirror and flipped my hair like I was in some kind of commercial while alone had believed him.

That part of me had died the day he went to jail, it was cremated on my first day at Evans high school, when I had stepped in here with my worn out yet favourite leather jacket enthusiastic about making new friends but have been met with outright scorn and mocking snickers and at the end of the day when I finally removed my braces and my boobs were finally in need of the Brassiere mom had bought for me when I had clocked 12, I could tell that I was unappealing, unattractive and my brother was a criminal hence the biggest liar on planet Earth.

Later that day as I lay in bed hearing mom complained about us running out of almost everything like we ever had them stocked, I stood up and walked straight to the long sized mirror next to my stack of books that was now dusty because of lack of use hence I hardly remembered to clean it and because I was a big fool and women were creatures influenced by words, I went to pick a foamy duster and spent minutes cleaning every inch of the mirror.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror when I was done. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds.

I cringed and looked away, dropping the mirror hurriedly and then lying back on my bed with a thud. Liar liar Law Tyler, I thought tears pooling in my eyes even though I knew he was no liar.

He had called me Amelia, maybe the name of the woman that had broken his heart and had made every woman undesirable in his sight. The reason why he never kept a girlfriend despite the large number of Evans high school female students who would give up a pair of both legs and hands to do him.

I choked back a tear, at the thought that Amelia might even be Dead and the loss was something that he couldn't accept and was responsible for his almost loss of sanity, even as I slowly was lulled into a dream state.

Later that night, I woke up and brazenly laughed, my croaky whimper if it could pass as laughter echoed in the room as I wonder if I also didn't need a mental institute. Nothing fancy, like Tyler's maybe something public that smelt like death and with an uncomfortable looking bed where we are offered stale food once a day since we can't tell the difference. Because what else could possibly explain my deranged bizarre thought that had lingered for the briefest of second that the most popular and wanted boy in Senior year wanted anything to do with me.

I woke up the next morning to a yellow note stuck to the refrigerator. I knew what they meant. I didn't even bother to read the excuse mom had penned down with her poorly written calligraphy and heavily ridden with errors. It was yet another excuse why we didn't have anything to eat and a promise to make sure that never happened again.

The problem was that I didn't know why she bothered because it'd happened so many times to the extent the grumbling worms in my stomach didn't have any impact on me or felt nearly as uncomfortable as the way it had when I was a child and had hung on my mom's every word and badly written promise on her stick it notes.

I wore a black pair of ripped shorts. I'd made it out of Rob's pair of jeans that had torn once when he had fallen down. Back then he had told me that it was an accident gotten from playing too hard with his friend Jimmy, I've believed him just like I'd believed Mom. Naive stupid Prudence who couldn't tell that her brother couldn't look her in the eyes and was always so fixated on his legs when he told her made-up story of how he was working in a bakery and was able to bring back home the large amount of money she had seen him counting more than once.

If only she had known the cut he had gotten from his knee was when he had scraped his knees while trying to escape from a barbed fence, if only she knew that no bakery paid such a huge amount of money just because you stood at a counter and made records and such an amount of money could only be made from going on risky assignments of procuring and distributing drugs for the big Lords of the neighbourhood like Louis and Roman.

Maybe if she'd known she would have saved her brother, stopped him from being used as a pawn that had discovered way too late he was all alone the moment he had been caught with a large amount of cocaine and handcuffs had been clasped on his wrist.

The naive Prudence who was forced to grow up immediately to notice that the other two boys who were caught with Rob had gone home the next day because their parents were able to afford huge lumps of money to bribe the higher-ups. Nobody had cared for the child of the single parent, not Louis who last I heard about him was in London or Roman who still ruled the street and recruited more boys that always meet the same fate as Rob eventually finding out too late that all his promises to make them as rich as he, was a blatant lie and when he told them he cared about them since they reminded him of his younger self ridden by absolute poverty he only cared about how much they made him rich as each day passes.

Naive Prudence was dead anyway and in her place was me, the girl who couldn't look at herself in the mirror longer than three seconds without flinching.

Grateful that I was able to create something decent from his torn jeans, I wore mom's hoodie jacket she had have since forever. It was worn out like most of my clothes but at least it was neat.

Tying my hair with an elastic band, I grabbed my backpack, shrugged it on and completely ignoring my grumbling tummy while looking forward to the cafeteria food disliked by the privileged Evan's high school gods, I made my way to school.

I resisted the urge to yell at a few of the children who gawked at the crest on my chest with a hunger to be just like me, to escape our squalor neighbourhood and scream at the parents who looked at me jealously, wishing that their children were in my place knowing that I would have also gawked and be hot in envy if I was in their shoes but if only they knew, then they would be careful of what they wished for with their obvious stares and be mindful of their secret prayers because although poverty was punishment enough for a crime we didn't commit, the students of Evans high school would make you pay.

Chapter 005|What is Love?

~Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."

Remember how I smugly commented on how I hardly feel hunger at all? Maybe there was a tiny teeny bit of lie in my theory because as my tummy rumbled and the worms in my stomach loudly protest I could tell just how annoyed they had been by my audacious statement because they rebelled at my Literature class so brazenly.

"Prudence Bennett, you seem to be in a world of your own which is totally unacceptable, especially during such a wonderful conversation we are having here." I blinked in confusion, surprised Ms Anne was referring to me.

Ms Anne was the youngest teacher in Evans high school, hence almost everyone's favourite. For the guys, it was because she was hot and probably starred in one too many of their wet dreams and for the girls, she was not a bad sight to behold since she was always on par with the latest fashion of the season, unlike the other female teachers which was no surprise since Evans high school was her Alma matter.

At first, I thought she would be a grown-up version bitch just like the little devils I had to go to school with, but she had proven to be different which made me come to only two conclusions, it was either adulthood had dealt her a great deal and she had let go of her devilishness or few of the rich ones still have a bit of goodness in them.

Either way, it was hard not to fall in love with her, especially with those kind brown eyes of hers and wait, no definitely not in that way, even though I'm not so sure about dinner when I get back from school. I'm sure I was as straight as my straight A's. My sexuality was one of the few things I was certain about that won't change. Many things weren't guaranteed and it was fine. I've gotten used to saying goodbye.

Ms Anne was a sweetheart but today she was on my list of people to murder with my glare as I stood on my feet ignoring the mumbling and taunts going on behind me.

I hated her enthusiastic smile at the moment, knowing it had everything to do with our new text we'd just begun reading: Romeo and Juliet.

Like has the world totally lost it for their obsession with that particular Shakespeare classic where two people had died for something as trivial as love, not to stop a world war or put an end to hunger. But Love. What was that?

"So what is your opinion, Ms Bennett?" Ms Anne expectantly asked.

"Huh?" My brows were furrowed in absolute confusion since the last thing I remembered hearing was an instruction for us to bring out the Romeo and Juliet textbook.

She gave me a concerned stare briefly, "Love. Many people over time have had diversifying opinions about this concept for centuries and I thought it would be nice to hear a few of yours."

I snickered inwardly, tell me about love when you have given me food, but knowing I couldn't say that aloud, especially since it would only increase the laughter and taunts behind me, I settled for a popular quote I've once read in a book.

"I think," I paused, noticing with irritation how light grew more on Ms Anne's face and I couldn't help but anticipate for whoever had put that light in there to come put it off.

Love was what had made my sperm donor of a father, knock my mom up the first time, ghosted everyone and went to only God knows where until Rob was 5, then he had returned with sugary promises and foolish explanations.

Mom had welcomed him again with open arms, a decision that had made me want to hate her so hard because it'd brought me into this world. Hatred that Rob had no difficulty having for her nevertheless. He would tell me that he remembered when he had left the second time and mom had wailed and cried.

He was a woman beater. Would beat mom for the slightest of errors.

He was a womanizer. Rob couldn't forget all the time he had walked in on him with a woman that wasn't mom repeatedly.

He was jobless and a drunk yet mom had wailed when he had left.

But I couldn't fault her the way Rob had, because although Once Rob had made me promise that I won't be like Mom who had begged for a not good enough man's love and I had but I knew what it feels like to be lonely, to want to be held and desired. To be lusted after and for someone to know that you ain't home and worry for you.

It was stupid. A foolish need but we ain't expected to be perfect right as humans? Or were mistakes like that without consequences exclusively meant for the rich?

I knew the answer to that question.

My eyes hardened and I held onto anger because it made me numb to other feelings like the stabbing pain in my stomach and how glaringly unfair the world was.

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies," I made to sit down glad that I was done but I heard a long audacious throaty laughter.

I raised my brow at the same time Ms Anne narrowed her gaze at someone behind me. "Lawson Tyler, what seems so funny to you?"

Something else stopped me from sitting down and it was the same foolish something that had made me take a peek at the owner of the grey eyes I'd dreamt about twice last night.

I always had nightmares, well every one of my dreams I have regarded as one though because even the few good ones where I finally go to college and secure a good job always end the moment I open my eyes and realize that it was just a dream and I was still a high school student living out a torment sentence every weekday exempting holidays. But, I didn't know what category to fit in Law Tyler's grey eyes. It was certainly not a nightmare because they were not the gory image of Rob being shot and watching the crimson blood spread on his favourite grey shirt and having to look at how limp he becomes when he falls to the dust. It was the opposite actually, it was a beautiful pair of eyes.

And it wasn't a nice dream. I didn't even know what those were like. They were just a pair of eyes for crying out loud so why in God's name couldn't I stop thinking of them?

"You can sit down Ms Benett" Ms Anne gave me one of her infamous kind smiles but it didn't invoke the normal reaction that it does as I couldn't help but feel a dizzying throb of my heart even as I sat right back.

I heard Law Tyler's audible snort knowing that he must be standing now, "It is funny because it seems like she had just spewed the word from her lips even though it is obvious she doesn't even believe it herself."

Ms Anne pursed her lips thoughtfully for a while even as my tummy did flip-flops at his British accent not even minding that he had called me out on my lie as I wondered why I was not able to recognize his accent the other day in the lobby. Oh maybe because I was too enthusiastic about leaving him before anyone spotted him with me although I still waited for my punishment from Jessica for being so greatly insulted just because the golden boy of the school seems to be mentally unstable and had picked interest in me to go right down with him.

I wasn't the only one in the room who had their eyes on Law, well I didn't technically have my eyes on him since I didn't have the guts to crane my neck and gawk at him like the others. I feel like I didn't have the right to that privilege so I just sat on alert while straining my ears making sure I could hear his every syllable till the last pause.

"That seems really rich and insightful," Ms Anne mumbled and I could tell she was trying to be sarcastic but from the little sigh of lust from the corner of the room, I knew the females in the room were too caught up in their fantasy with him to recognize sarcasm even though it hits them on the face.

"So can you tell us your own opinion that I hope you believe in?"

I could imagine a cocky cheeky smile on his face even though I knew if I turn, there would only be that damn boring look like everybody was a bore that he had to put up with.

"No." I couldn't restrain myself from looking at him wondering what audacity was this and who lends him his boldness? "But I could spare some minutes to further explain the theory of love, Aristotle had described that Prudence had only mumbled without meaning."

I quickly turned not able to hide how arrogant I think he was being.

I narrowed my eyes at him, scoffing and he held my eyes, his lips curving oh so slightly.