BACK HOME

Fifteen hours ago, everything was fine. Everything in my life was perfect, or so I thought.

Then that phone call... It changed everything.

Now, I stood in front of my childhood home. But that was after a short, but hard, phone call, a plane and a cab ride later. 

Everything was still, everything seemed calmer.  I could help but feel at peace, at home.

"I'm back" I whispered.

I walked up to the steps that led to the door, all so familiar I didn't even have to think about it. I pulled out the keys from my purse, opened the door and carried my suitcase inside, leaving it near the stairs to the second floor as I turned to the rest of the room.

Everything was so strange yet familiar, but I couldn't identify the reason.

Then it rained down on me.

She wasn't here. Not anymore.

"Mom…" saying it aloud hurt, but I felt like I had no more tears left to cry that day, even if I tried. Probably I have used them all up, as ever since that phone call, everything seemed to be tears.

As I walked around the room, touching everything, still smelling her cologne in the air, I couldn't help but remember the fatal call.

It was a Thursday afternoon, I had just finished my work for the day – I had to finish a series of paintings for a gallery show – and I was ready to go out and celebrate with Robb that the work overload from preparing the show was over, and now I could finally take a break.

No more all-nighters for a while.

I was about to start getting ready but just after taking a shower, the phone rang.

"Audra?" It was Chris' voice.

Gosh, it had been 10 years since the last time I saw him - or talked to him directly for that matter - but that was not what was worrying me at that moment.

There was something in the tone of his voice that wasn't right.

Even after 10 years, I would recognize that.

"Chris, what is it?" I asked softly, expecting bad news, he would have called if it wasn't for mum.

If it wasn't something bad…

"Audra… I have no idea how to say this…" I waited expectantly, as I didn't want to interrupt him, so he would get the courage to say it already. But something inside me already knew that…

"It's mom, she… She's not with us anymore" Chris paused there with a sob, he was now crying as it was hard for him to say it out loud.

After a silent pause, he asked "Audra?"

"Noo..." It wasn't a scream, not exactly, it sounded more like shattering to me, as I fell on the floor crying after the initial shock. "When?... How?"

"Yesterday night I took her to the hospital, she was having trouble breathing properly. They told me it wasn't serious, but as she was already sick, they wanted to keep her there for observation. I stayed for a bit but they asked me to leave… And this morning I had the call…" He was crying also and by now I was drowning in loud sobs. After a bit, he added "Audra? Audra, please, I need you to listen to me for a couple more minutes, then I would leave you alone to process this. Okay?". So, I tried, it wasn't much, but I managed to keep my loud sobs at bay and I made a muffed sound to let him know he could talk.

"Is just that I need you…" He made a small pause there, trying to control the tone of his voice "I need you here soon for all the preparations and arrangements. There was also a call from the layer. He needs to talk to us but I told him to wait till next week. I'm trying to keep up but you're her real daughter and I don't want to overstep. I'm also too exhausted to do this alone." He blurted out every sentence without pause. I thought he might be afraid that if he paused he could not keep talking, as he was trying to keep his own sobs at bay too and his voice controlled.

"Chris… You don't need to say that. Anything you decide is fine too." It was hard to keep talking, but as he was silent I continued "Postpone everything that's not urgent till later and… Decide whatever is not by yourself, you know her as well as I do. I'm gonna try to make arrangements and be there as soon as I can, okay?"

After he answered, we exchanged a few more words, which I can barely recall and I hung the phone.

I stopped constraining myself, I bawled my eyes out for a good hour before I could start to function again – if I could call that function…

I started checking flights and packing at the same time, not paying much attention to what fell on my suitcase. I did manage to get a first-class seat into one of the 2:00 am flights, mainly because fist class seats were the only available on my flights on such short notice.

It was a good thing, after all, it was so empty I could cry all the way without having to stand pitying glances from people.

I don't really remember much after the call, except a lot of pain and crying.

I remember Robb coming home, and he embraced me for a long while.

Then made me some tea and after that, he helped me with my suitcase – more like did it all himself – because he realized I wasn't even able to pack properly. He probably checked the details of my flight as he was the one who took me to the airport.

He couldn't come, due to his work. It pained him to leave me alone, I could see it, but I told him I needed some time for myself and that he could come later.

I found myself back at my mom's, staring blankly at a few pictures over the chimney while I thought about the last hours. I turned my back to them because it hurt to remember.

I hadn't slept much and I think it was starting to pay its toll.

I walked over to the back door, it was open as usual, though there was nobody home.

"Advantages of living in a small town" my mom would have said, a small, sad smile forming on my lips.

I don't know how much time I was there on the porch, staring at the horizon reminiscing.

But after a while, I faintly heard the door and footsteps approaching me from behind, although I was too zoned-out to actually process it or recall it till later.

"Hey Giggles"