Chapter 52
When I enter the front room I already have a lump in my throat. Lori comes to me and hugs me. She whispers in my ear it will all be ok and will work out for the best. She squeezes my hand and then her and Yoongi disappear of down the hall leaving us to it.
Namjoon stands and walks towards me, he puts his arms out and asks softly in his deep husky voice "can I please get a hug?" I look toward Jimin and he is leaning forward, his head in his hands staring at the floor. I return my focus to Namjoon who looks tired, pale and concerned. I allow him to hug me and put my head on his chest, his heart beating frantically. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes tightly, slightly swaying me side to side. Pulling away slightly he places his index finger under my chin and lifts my head to look at him. I already feel a tremor of emotion but bite it down. "Are you ok?" He says searching my eyes for an answer.
"I'm ok, just really sorry for leaving and staying away all night, but I needed to escape and clear my head" I advise. He hugs me back to his chest and tells me I have nothing to apologise for and that it's him and Jimin that need to apologise. At this point I step away from him and go to sit on the sofa opposite both of them. I don't get to sit. Jimin stands and throws his arms around me and starts crying. It's a gut wrenching noise to listen to and I hate he is so sad. I wriggle my arms free and encompass him in them feeling his shoulders shake. "Please don't cry, you will set me off" I say as calmly as I can to try and relax him.
He pulls away and looks at me, I wipe away the tears from his cheeks and kiss his forehead. "It's all going to be ok, we will be fine". I try so hard to believe my own words. I sit on my intended sofa and they sit on the other, Namjoon furthest from me. I need to be brave. What do I say first?
"Let me just say again, I am truly sorry for my reaction and running. Anxiety is a bitch and when I get like that I don't make sensible choices or I say things I regret. I needed to get myself under control and have a plan in my head before I could get deeper in this conversation with you". They both nod, but wait to speak knowing I have more to say. "Yoongi explained some things to me, and it helped me make sense of what might have been going on in your head over the last couple of weeks Jimin". I watch his face and his lip quivers like he is going to cry again. He stills himself and clears his throat.
"I need to be honest with you, and i'm sorry I haven't been so far. When we first met, I thought you were gorgeous and my body reacted. I wanted you so I fixed it for us to spend time together. I hadn't thought about hooking up with anyone, but when you were open to spending time with me, I got excited and let myself get swept up in the desire I felt for you and had visions of us long term. That first weekend was so special and I excitedly told my Mum on the Monday that I had met you and she told me that I couldn't possibly be with a non Korean girl and I knew she was right but didn't want to admit that to you. That's why I asked you to be my girlfriend for whilst I was here. I wanted to make the most of you before I had to leave you. My family mean so much to me and I wouldn't be able to lose them by not following tradition, but that didn't make me want you less. I thought by letting Namjoon join us it would relax the relationship enough that you would be ok when I left. I had no intention of purposely hurting you and i'm so sorry that I have" he says with a loud exhale at the end.
That was hard to hear, but it makes sense. If only he had of told me this, I could have prepared myself or decided then not to progress things. Hindsight is a wonderful thing as they say. Trying so hard not to cry I give voice to my feelings regarding his honesty. "I really wish you had just been honest with me Jimin. At first I got overly excited by you too and wondered if we might be the next big love story, but Lori got me to think more like it was a very short relationship to help me keep my feet fixed firmly on the floor. I was expecting you to leave me behind, I wanted to make the most of you too so that's why I said yes to being your girlfriend even if it was to be brief. I didn't fully understand what was happening when Namjoon asked to play, but I thought as we had talked about trying new things that perhaps this was something you 2 had discussed in the past and I was happy to be involved in it. I didn't realise then that Namjoon liked me as much as I know he does now".
I look to Namjoon for him to now impart his wisdom into the conversation. He shifts up the sofa so he is closer, and wraps an arm around Jimin. "I know that was tough for you to say hyung, and I am glad you got it all out and off your chest. I told you that Aimee would understand. She has said that she was expecting for the relationship between you two to end when you went home so I think you can both step away from it now and stay friends. Aimee, when we first heard about you, I liked how you sounded, and the picture Jimin sent us of you blew me away. When I then spoke to you that night when you had been trying so hard to make him feel less home sick, I was bowled over by your kindness. What was worse was that I knew at this point what his Mum had said to him. From the moment we arrived right up until now I have seen you and got to know you and I am certain that I love you. When I was flirting with you initially it was to try and find out if you liked me and I could see there was some chemistry. I used Jimin's desire for new things to my advantage so that I could be with you, and although it was amazing, it was so hard to watch you with him. I just wanted you to myself. The disagreement we had that night was not over who would get to sleep in the bed with you but that I wanted Jimin to tell you the truth and step away from you and he didn't want too. I tried for the next week to just be a part of the 3 of us until we went home but I can't lie to myself. I do want you to come home with me and be mine forever".