Chapter 4 : Whatever Love Is

As I sat down at my table with my gifted cup of coffee, the lingering thought of my wife being infidel kept poking at me. I found myself fixating on it, so much so that I began to passively stalk her.

Every few minutes I would check my phone, and there she was; online, but not texting me. 'If not me, then who?' Was the question that popped into my head. I noticed that she put up a status on her profile, it was a picture of a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte, her favorite. I wondered if she had purchased it herself, or someone else had purchased it for her.

It was a little embarrassing how I kept fixating on it as I sipped on a coffee that had been gifted to me by another woman. But hey, Aya was merely a kind co worker, there was nothing more to it.

A few minutes later, I checked on her profile again, and this time she had posted a picture of herself at the office. She had a big smile on her face, and it was clear that the picture was taken by someone, someone who had made her laugh the way she had in that photo. When was the last time she genuinely laughed around me? I thought. Who was the man who had made her so happy? Or was it a woman?

Feeling paranoia creep in, I slammed my phone down and ran my fingers through my curly hair. This was ridiculous, I had been married to this woman for years, and not once did she show any signs of infidelity, why would she start now?

I sipped my now luke warm coffee and avoided making a face, as my office walls and door were see-through. But it seemed my efforts were futile, because as I glanced up, I saw Ayaka giggling at me from her desk.

She mouthed the words 'get your head in the game' and I responded with the classic 'that's what she said'. And it made her laugh even more.

Aya was right, I had been stressing over futile things all morning, there was no way my wife was cheating on me… could there be? They say the simplest answer is usually the correct one, but no, I couldn't bring myself to believe it, I didn't want to believe it.

This woman, I married her and that's that. She is my wife, and I should trust she would stick to her vows.

I remembered when I first knew of her, it was at a project my company was working on, and they had collaborated with another company she worked at.

At the time, I was nothing but an intern, still living with my parents and barely making enough to get by. But her, she was already doing so well for herself. She had a decent job, was making decent money, and had all the men around her trying to offer her a comfortable life.

Saying she was out of my league was an understatement, she was out of my realm of reality, and under ordinary circumstances, she wouldn't even have known I existed. But the fates smiled upon me, and I was put to work with her.

I have to admit I was rather shocked when I got to know her better. Rather than the spoiled diva I thought she might be, she was a calm, soft spoken and very intellectually gifted young woman. All these aspects, made her outer beauty shine even more.

It was no wonder men of all ages were willing to risk it all for her, the lord had made her too powerful. A man could only handle so much woman, but her, she was a full package with a mulberry silk wrapping.

When I mentioned to one of our colleagues that I was smitten by her, he bluntly responded, 'so is every man within a ten mile radius, Kevin, so forgive me for saying the likes of you and me don't have a chance.'

Those words were meant to discourage me, because a woman like her was untouchable by men like me, but I liked a challenge.

I befriended her, the only way a simple guy like me could gain any sort of access to a woman like her. And slowly we got closer and closer, shocking everyone who had failed to do as little as ask her name.

As I got to know her even more, on a more personal level, I slowly began to fall for her. Falling harder and harder as the days went by. It was hard not to ask her on a date, or to try and hold her hand. And lord knows how many times I stopped myself from kissing her as she rambled on about her favorite show during lunch breaks.

I held back not because I thought she would reject me, though that was a possibility. I held back because she deserved a more furnished version of me. A woman like her, needed a man who could maintain or grow that beauty and intriguing mind.

Two years went by like it was nothing, and me and her lost touch for the most part. Her career was soaring, and I was trying to set up my own firm. We exchanged the occasional happy birthdays, and at some point she got into a relationship that didn't last very long, but I never lost hope.

Finally after three years, I was making good money, and rubbing shoulders with a few big names in the graphic design sphere, it was then that I felt ready, it was then that I felt worthy of her.

One evening I randomly called her, and to my surprise she picked up. We exchanged pleasantries and reminisced about the old days, before I gathered the courage to ask her to dinner.

Would you believe my shock when she said yes? And can you believe her shock when I took her to the fanciest restaurant in town, in a fancy car that I owned, and new found sense of confidence. That was how it all started, our little love story that was now slowly dying.

Maybe I was wrong about our compatibility after all. Maybe I was too distracted by how well decorated she was, that I completely forgot about the more subjective traits.

Dusty medals and trophies aside, my soul was being eaten away at. I remember when I married her: she was all I wanted, all I thought I would ever need. In hindsight, it seemed whatever had changed about our love, had changed overnight.

The worst outcome would be divorce, but was what we were going through really reason enough? I had often heard people say love alone was not enough to sustain a relationship, but I was somewhat experiencing the reciprocal of that.

With my wife, I had it all, but love. I had a beautiful wife, I had children, I had a considerable amount of wealth, I had a home, I had peace… but not love.

Whatever 'love' was, for the past eight years, I hadn't had the slightest idea.