Chapter four

"Mom…you are so embarrassing. I do not want to hear about this." I said to her as I stood up and walked away slowly.

She laughed at me, clearly finding my discomfort over the topic amusing.

"What? You are not a kid anymore you do know that right? I am aware you already know these things." She said to me with a smirk and I stopped in my tracks and turned to her with an expression that screamed *WTF*.

"Mom..this is such an uncomfortable topic., " I said to her and she laughed louder. Find my uneasiness amusing.

"But for real now Lily, I will not tell you how to live your life. You are a grown woman and I believe you know that you should not have unprotected sex." She said to me with a serious expression. Sighing, I nodded.

This conversation was important, I knew, but I did not like the topic at all. The whole concept of sex made me feel uncomfortable. Probably one of the characteristics of someone who was bullied and isolated from her peers. I had no idea. I had never had sex or even kissed for that matter, so I guess my views and opinions on it would be different.

"Yes Mom, I am aware," I said what she wanted to hear finally. Smiling satisfied, she continued her lecture.

"Are you Lily? You are no longer 12 anymore. You might have not done this, but you have seen or heard about it, have you not?" My mother said as she eyed me.

I sighed, she was right, I did see some stuff.

"Continue mom, I know you have more to say." I waited patiently for her to continue what she was saying. I knew that there was more.

"So, you are going off to college. And a lot of things happen there, people do all sorts. And there is no one to judge because you all are adults. I believe I raised you well, to be a good girl. I do not believe having sex or anything is bad, it is your choice honestly. But I do not want my daughter to be one of those hook-up girls or whores." She continued saying as she stared at me with a calm face.

I sighed again, what was the use of this conversation? Mom was well aware I had never had a boyfriend before. And the chances of that happening in college were also very low.

I had a lot of crushes on different boys, during my Highschool years. But neither of them ever even considered or looked at me twice. Who would? When there were hot girls in my school like Anna? No boy would consider the idea of ever dating me, talk less of anything sexual.

"Mom, you do not have to talk to me about this. Like look at me, do you think anyone would want to have anything to do with a girl like me?" I laughed. I did not want to think much about it, I did not want to admit it made me feel bad.

She stared at me, obviously saddened by my choice of words. It was not my fault, I was simply telling the truth. The chances of me finding anyone were very, extremely, low. So there was no need for this conversation, at all.

"Do not say that Lily. You are a beautiful woman, very beautiful." My mother said to me with a snap. She always hated it when I referred to myself as ugly, indirectly.

I only spoke the truth, I agreed that my self-confidence was low. But there was a valid reason why I did not think I was pretty. When I looked in the mirror, I did not like what stared back at me.

From my head to toe, I did not like it.

I had cut my hair to shoulder length, and it was always packed. With my huge glasses and naturally tanned skin. I was like a mess.

"Yeah yeah…I am aware." I said with an eye roll, she stared at me for a long while. Almost like she wanted to say something, but she decided to just keep shut, I appreciated it a lot.

"Fine, but all I am telling you is to be a careful baby. Do not sleep with anyone out of peer pressure, only do such with someone you truly love. Okay?" My mother said with a very sad and Stern voice.

I knew why she was saying it, I knew why she was particular about it. She probably did not want me to make the same mistake she had made.

"Yes, Mom I know. Now can you let me go pack for college? I am supposed to go tomorrow." I said with an excited voice. It had been over a week since I received my admission letter.

"Yes yes baby, I know you are super excited." She said with a smile and mine grew even wider.

I was so happy, my dream had come to pass, and all my hard work had paid off.

"I am mom, very," I said as I walked out of the room and went to my room. I had a lot to pack, I did not have a lot of belongings but I did love to pack my stuff well.

~~~~~~~~~

My eyes were fixated on the sweater in my arms. It brought back memories, painful memories.

My eyes felt a bit heavy, I felt dizzy. Why..why did this have to happen to me?

I felt like I was losing control of myself, just as I was about to fall my mom rushed in and caught me just in time.

She helped me get to the bed and kept me on it, rushing to my table to get my pills and water.

"You never listen, do you!? You have to stop this Lily, you are going to college tomorrow! I will not be there to help you." She said to me with a worried voice as she forced the pills into my mouth forcefully.

I managed to swallow it, my heart was beating so loudly in my ears. And the headache I felt was blinding.

She helped me to lay down well, and when she saw the sweater in my hands her eyes fell and her gaze darkened. That alone brought so much pain to her, talk less of me who had witnessed it.