Ch. 38 – The Power Of Long Letters

Chapter Thirty-Eight – The Power Of Long Letters

Jonathan had felt utterly alone before. It shouldn't have registered as something new and never experienced, and yet, it didn't fit. Time and time again, he reached for his phone, the need to call someone too great. But each time, through sheer willpower, he pulled his hand back and lay on the bed, his eyes on the ceiling.

Maddox didn't want to listen to him. He could insist, go on and on about the same thing, or send texts that would be left unread. Too bad there was so much technology involved; before, when someone sent a letter, at least there was some uncertainty involved. Whether the letter was left unread or not was left to fate alone, and the sender didn't have to wallow in despair while looking at a shiny screen and agonizing over the moment when they would be notified that their message had been read.

He got up from the bed, as the idea hit him. Who said he couldn't write a letter just like in olden times? Jonathan liked to think that his handwriting was readable enough, and that Maddox might get slightly curious at one point and open the letter that was destined for his eyes only. Invigorated by this new idea, he sat at the desk and grabbed his pen. What was he going to write now? Should he start with a perfunctory 'Dear Maddox'?

***

"Why are you sitting there like there's fire underneath your ass?"

"None of your business," Maddox mumbled and stopped himself with great difficulty from checking his phone for any signs of life and, of course, for the time. Ray had said that Jonathan would return on Sunday evening, but who was to say if he was already back or not? He fiddled with his phone anyway.

Kane plopped down on the sofa, obviously determined not to let it drop. "Come on, what's going on?"

"I'm waiting for Jonathan," Maddox said under his breath.

"Is he coming over?" Kane asked patiently.

Maddox felt like bursting. After stumbling over that confession, he had felt restless and happy, but as the hours dragged by, even with all the mandatory studying and the equally mandatory goofing around with Rusty, he still felt as if time stood still. And with that, a new feeling, one that he hadn't experienced a lot in his life, came. He was uncertain. What was Jonathan doing all alone, his phone turned off? What if he changed his mind and decided during this alone-time that he no longer wanted anything to do with him?

"No," he replied with some difficulty.

"Then why are you waiting for him here?" Kane asked in the same old and wise manner that usually got on Maddox's nerves.

This time, his friend's logic hit home. "Right," he said brightly. "Kane, you're a fucking genius." He jumped to his feet. "I'm going to wait for him by his dorm."

"Hold on," Kane said and caught his arm. "Rusty is tight-lipped as hell, and you're not saying a thing. What's going on? First, you say Jonathan loves you, and then you're getting all antsy like this, which, by the way, is nothing like you."

Maddox considered for a moment. Kane would get it; he was the kind who wished to get married even before finishing college, so he was, supposedly, to some degree, the romantic type. So, he reached inside his pocket and took out the note that was now a bit frayed at the edges.

Kane took it with a slight frown, read it, and then grinned. "Wow. Did he write it?"

"Yeah," Maddox said.

"Shit, man," Kane said and shook his head while leaning back on the sofa. "Coming from an icicle like Jonathan, this is huge stuff."

"I know," Maddox said and grabbed the note back. "But he left for the weekend and turned off his phone, so I have no idea when he's coming back and, you know." He threw his arms in the air in an exasperated gesture.

"I get it," Kane said and nodded in sympathy. "Well, seeing how the finals are starting tomorrow, I bet that Jonathan, who's all for perfect grades, will be back at a reasonable hour tonight. Just go and wait for him in front of his dorm. But first, check to see if he turned his phone back on."

Maddox smiled. Now that was good advice. "Not yet," he said after checking his phone briefly.

"Then, no more waiting around here, lover boy," Kane said with a grin. "Just go meet up with him. I bet he's going to be all crazy about seeing you. In his very subdued, gentleman-like manner, of course. He will probably let out a slight 'yay'," he added and made a small victory gesture with one hand.

Maddox didn't need any more encouragement. He also had another idea. When Jonathan was going to turn his phone back on, he was going to see his message first. He began typing as he walked out the door.

***

Jonathan wasn't surprised at the chime of incoming messages the moment he turned on his phone. He smiled at Ray's emojis that signaled that his bestie was very, very hungry in his absence, and his heart skipped a beat at seeing another message, this time from Maddox.

As some songs say, I've been a fool. I just want to say this. I found your note. And I feel just the same. And now, I'm hanging out in front of your dorm, wishing I wasn't stupid. It was just… well, I guess I went a bit nuts seeing you with another guy even if it wasn't anything like that. So, can you forgive me? I promise I'll work hard for that 'yes'.

Jonathan slowed down. Could Maddox be talking about that note? It had to be, although that was something Maddox was supposed to find a lot later. A smile stretched his entire face to the point of hurting. He was about to start running toward the dorm, when his phone chimed with another incoming message. He opened it without checking the sender, and his feet came to a screeching halt.

Knock, knock, Hamilton… don't bother checking from whom this is. It looks like your pristine reputation is anything but. Guess what's about to drop on Xpress next. Not necessarily. It's up to you.

He recognized the video from the first frames and closed it quickly. The air was rushing in and out of his lungs, making him dizzy. Another message came.

We're generous. We'll let you get through your finals, but after, transfer back to the gilded hole you crawled from. That is if you don't want us to show the entire Sunny Hill just who you truly are. Question: were both of you high while shooting this little clip, or did you just hide it very well? It doesn't matter. If you dare to come back to Sunny Hill after winter break, Santa is going to bring you a belated gift. You know, the kind fit for naughty kids.

PS. Think of Maddox. Do you really want him to see you with another man's cock in your mouth? (There's no actual timestamp, so…)

This couldn't be. Jonathan forced himself to breathe. He sat down where he was on the sidewalk and caught his head in his hands, while anger, guilt, and despair coursed through him, breaking him in pieces. One mistake was all it took, didn't it? One mistake and he was done for. He pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes and let out a low groan. It was already late. No one else was there, and if they were, they would think he was mad.

He had run away in the hope that the past would have too short legs to catch up with him. What a false hope! The past always caught up with you, no matter who you were. In this age of shared information, how could he truly hope that the past would stay buried?

What was he going to do? Was he going to wait and face the same treatment? All the looks, the sneers, the laughter, but multiplied to fit the world of Sunny Hill, a lot bigger than his old school? How was he going to live through that? Just imagining it left him heaving and gasping for air.

And yes, there was also Maddox. Maddox, who did love him and was also very jealous. No, he could be convinced that it was an old thing, right? Jonathan rocked his body gently, trying to fit inside his mind all the possibilities, all the hurt that came with something like that, and realized that he couldn't, not by a long shot.

It took him several minutes to push himself up to his feet and drag himself toward the dorm. Was it Connor who was doing all this? Xpress was just a gossip rag, but this? This was personal, not just something for the fun of it. Someone was out to hurt him, and Jonathan could think of no one else but Connor, Connor who must have felt deeply insulted the last time they talked.

"Jonathan?"

He was startled by the sudden calling of his name and stared around, completely disoriented.

"Hey, are you all right?" Maddox walked toward him, looking rightfully worried.

"I'm fine," he replied quickly. "Um, what are you doing here?"

"I sent you a message earlier."

Jonathan felt his phone as heavy as a ten-pound rock in his pocket. "Right, yes, yes, I saw it." He rubbed his temples. "It's… just not a good time. To talk, I mean."

Maddox stopped before reaching him. "You're mad at me, right?"

Jonathan felt his temples throbbing. He needed to find a place to hide. He just couldn't stay there anymore. "You…" he pulled the words out of himself by force, "…you didn't believe me."

Maddox took a small step forward. "I get it. I totally do. I mean, all right, I was a huge jerk all week. But--"

Jonathan moved away from Maddox's touch. "We'll talk. Later. Now, I'm just… I need to go."

"Jonathan," Maddox called out for him as he turned on his heel to leave. "I just want you to know, okay?" His voice was soft like a breeze. "That I love you, too."

Jonathan felt the choking growing unbearable. He just nodded and moved away. "I have to go, Maddox. Goodbye." He rushed inside the dorm building, hoping that Maddox didn't follow. And he didn't, which was the only blessing he could think of right now.

***

Maddox stood there, overcome by guilt. Jonathan looked disturbed for some reason, and if things were how they had been before, he would just hurry after him and hold him and ask him what was wrong, but the chances were his boyfriend was like that because of him, and that meant that he should just give him enough space to process all that. They would come around, the both of them, and now, that Jonathan was back, they had all the time in the world to make it right.

Still, a part of him wanted to go after Jonathan and just take him in his arms. His phone rang, and while he tried to ignore it for a few moments more, it sounded so insistent that he decided to take it.

"Mom?" he asked, not quite believing that she was calling at that hour. "Is everything all right? Dad--"

"Everything's all right," his mom hurried to assure him. "I just wanted everyone else to be asleep so that I could talk to you."

For a moment, he wanted to tell her that it wasn't a good time, that he needed to think of how to talk to Jonathan after hurting him like that, but he recalled on what terms he had left home the last time, and ignoring her right now wasn't an option.

"All right," he said. "How are you, mom? Are you still upset with me?"

"That is what I wanted to talk to you about." A pause followed, and Maddox had learned to respect each time that happened. It meant that his mom was choosing her words carefully, and the message she wanted to convey was very important. "Maddox, you know me. I just have a mean temper."

He laughed softly and began walking back, toward his house. "I know that. I still recall that spanking you gave me when I was eight because I broke dad's vintage radio."

A short, horrified gasp at the other end assured him that she remembered as well. "I only slapped your butt once. That was all. How can you call it a spanking?"

"That's what it felt like," he said defensively, but then he began laughing. "I really did a bad thing. I guess I was too curious."

"You didn't do anything wrong, after all. And your dad had spares. Of course, he should have let me know that before I spanked your ass."

Maddox shook his head in mirth. Their mom rarely administered corporal punishment, hence the shock at that time. But she had cooked his favorites for a week and even bought him a new console, so the incident had been long forgiven, even if not forgotten.

"What did you want to tell me?" he asked.

His mom drew a long sigh. "I got ahead of myself the last time you were here, a bit too much. So, I took some time and thought about it. What do you say about bringing Jonathan with you for Christmas? At least for a day before or something like that, in case he plans on going to see his parents later?"

Maddox felt his tongue getting all tied up.

"I apologize for going through the roof like that at Thanksgiving," she added.

"What made you change your mind?" he asked.

"Your sister kept the picture of you and him together. And she kept on sticking it under our noses after you left. I believe that the boy is in love with you, Maddox," she said softly.

He had the confirmation of that right in his pocket. Only he didn't have the boy, too. How could he explain that to his mom, though? He could try. "I kind of fucked up, mom."

"Language, Maddox," she said with a sigh. "What did you fuck up?"

"I got jealous," he said in a meek voice. "I believed what some people said, and I didn't believe him."

"If you got jealous, that's because you're a Kingsley," his mom replied promptly. "So, do what all Kingsleys do. Apologize."

"I did, but--"

"No 'buts'. I can see that you like this boy a lot, Maddox."

"I love him," Maddox insisted.

"I can see that you love him," his mom corrected herself. "Then do your best. Bring him to us this Christmas, or at least a day or two before. I know you can do it. Just be insistent enough. It worked for your dad."

"For real?" Maddox asked with a grin.

"Do you think we've always been as calm and settled as you know us to be? Trust me, we had our very turbulent phase."

"Um, tell me about it?"

"Another time. Your dad just started to roam the house. He probably thinks I got abducted by aliens."

"Mom, dad doesn't believe in aliens."

"Right. You don't know what kind of documentaries he watches at night."

"I'll take your word for it, then."

"Bring the boy with you, Maddox. We want to meet him."

"I'll try, mom."

"Don't just try, do it. That's the Kingsley way."

"Really? It sounded to me like the slogan--"

"I need to go. Your dad is getting close. Bye, pumpkin."

Maddox felt his good mood returning. His mom was right. It wasn't like Kingsleys to give up, and, sure thing, Jonathan deserved to be fought for, no matter what that entailed. He threw another look at Jonathan's dorm, searching for his window. No light was in sight, which meant that he must have gone to bed already. Of course, finals week started tomorrow. Jonathan would want to get his sleep so that he could perform well on the exams. And, most probably, he needed to do the same. It wasn't like Jonathan had refused to talk to him or anything like that; he had just said 'later'.

So 'later' it had to be.

***

Jonathan knew it would be impossible to avoid Ray, so he repeated the words he needed to say while climbing the stairs, words that would, possibly, stop his bestie from trying to find out what was going on.

Ray opened the door before he could reach for the handle, taking him by surprise. "JJ," he exclaimed and hugged him tightly. Then, he pulled him inside. "Maddox came by on Friday, you know? He so wants to get back together with you. Did you eat of lot of junk food? I hope not. Everybody says it ruins your face, and you don't want that now that Maddox--" Ray stopped his tirade and stared at him once they were inside and behind the closed door. "JJ, what's wrong?"

It was impossible to stop, he realized, as he took out his phone and handed it to Ray. "I won't be able to return to Sunny Hill after Christmas break."

Ray blinked a few times, and his eyes grew wide, but he didn't say a word as he took the phone. Jonathan leaned against the door and closed his eyes. If there was someone in the entire world in front of whom he didn't feel shame, it was this person who proved to have such a big soul and accept him for who he was, no questions asked.

"This is awful," Ray said, and Jonathan could tell that his bestie hadn't watched more than several seconds to understand what the video was about. "They can't do this. They must be punished."

Jonathan took his phone back and headed for his room, all the energy drained out of him. He needed to collapse and not think of anything. Finals started tomorrow, and he wouldn't be able to think of anything else while focusing on them.

"JJ," Ray called after him, "you're not going to do as they say."

"I have no choice, Ray," he replied. "I don't need a repetition of what happened at my previous school. I hope you can understand."

"I don't and I won't," Ray said and followed him.

"Please don't turn on the light." Jonathan lay on the bed face first and Ray sat by his side. He felt Ray's sympathetic hand on his shoulder and closed his eyes.

"That was what they did at your old school? Did they laugh at you?" Ray asked quietly while stroking his shoulder.

"For days and weeks, everywhere I went. At first, I thought I could just shrug it off," Jonathan said in a monotone. "That I was this rebellious soul," he said with a snort, "that did nothing according to the norm and whatnot. But it wasn't like that. I was just this stupid guy who ended up sucking the wrong dick. And then became the laughingstock of the entire school. Then, the pranks," he added and stopped.

"If you don't want to tell me--"

"No. I suppose I want to tell someone, and I know you don't judge me."

"That's right," Ray confirmed.

Jonathan covered his face, as much as he could in that position. "I got the full treatment. Sex toys left on my desk, nasty comments written on the bathroom walls, whispers behind my back, and words thrown in my face. I had no idea a bunch of boys almost in their twenties would be so hungry for this kind of thing," he said. "It was like, finally, their lives had meaning. I was free game and their purpose was to bring me down at all costs. And it was so easy."

"I hate those guys," Ray said. "But Sunny Hill is different, Jonathan. You don't have to leave. Come on, if it helps, I'll make a sex tape, too."

Jonathan laughed despite feeling horribly down. "I don't think Hanna would agree to something like that, Ray."

"It will be solo action, then," Ray said with conviction. "Although, who would want to see me jerking off?"

Jonathan sighed. "You might be surprised, Ray. Don't sell yourself short. But jokes aside, people are the same everywhere. If they see someone down, they'll kick them. It's just human nature."

"Not my human nature," Ray countered.

"I know," Jonathan replied quietly. "You're one of the best people I've ever met in my life."

"Maddox is a good person, too," Ray reminded him.

"He is," Jonathan agreed. "And I think I've made enough trouble for him as things stand."

"Why do you sound like you're giving up on him? All because of Xpress? Sorry, I didn't mean to speak so loudly."

"It's all right, Ray, you don't have to apologize. The thing is, Maddox got jealous of Rusty, and he didn't have a reason. Imagine how he's going to feel after seeing me… like that."

Ray let out a long exasperated groan. "JJ, you can't do that. I mean, all right, maybe you're right about Maddox getting pissy, but he'll get over it. I mean, it's not like you didn't have other guys before him. Even if it was just the one. I mean, this one. Ugh, I suck at this, and I hate it."

"You don't, and you're maybe right," Jonathan hurried to assure him. "But I need to think of what I'm going to do. I can't face the same thing as before. I just can't. I know that it might sound to you like it's not some big deal, but for me--"

"Say no more, JJ," Ray said and squeezed his shoulder. "I understand what you went through. What we, no, I need to do is to ensure that Sunny Hill is not going to be a repeat experience for you."

"How are you going to do that?"

"I have no idea right now," Ray said brightly. "But there's no way, there's absolutely no way that I'm losing my bestie and my roommate. Especially one who is keeping me alive with good food."

Jonathan laughed softly. "Sometimes, I think you only like me for my food, Ray."

"That's not true. Do you mind if I lie down with you?"

"No, not at all." Jonathan scooted over to make room for Ray. There was comfort in having someone so close. It was a sort of intimacy that had nothing to do with sex, yet it made him feel as close to another human being as he could be.

"JJ, I've never told you why I transferred."

Jonathan turned toward Ray. "And I never asked. See, I'm not that good a bestie."

"Thing is, I never adapted there. I was friends with some girls, and that was all. Since middle school, you're the first boy friend I've made."

"That can't be true. You're the kind of guy that everybody loves being friends with," Jonathan said.

"I'm telling you… It's not like I was bullied or anything, but guys usually ignored me. Probably, that's why the girls thought I was gay," Ray added as if he just got that revelation. "And it's because of you that I've gotten to meet so many other people. Did you know that I even won the wet t-shirt contest?"

Jonathan laughed with Ray. "I remember being there, too."

"Oh, you were?" Ray asked, feigning incredulity. "Funny thing, I don't recall seeing you there. Probably because it was one of the high points of my social career. I just couldn't see anyone else. I'm joking, JJ, but here, I've gotten into a totally different world. I became friends with you instantly, and you even introduced me to the most popular group on campus. And trust me when I tell you, Maddox and his besties are nothing like the cliques where I came from. They have a right to be called the Amazing Four, because, frankly, they're pretty amazing. Not like the meatheads and other popular douches from other colleges."

"I suppose you're right."

"See? There are plenty of good people here, at Sunny Hill. And there's also Hanna, and she's friends with a lot of good people, too. Don't leave, JJ, not because of that stupid Xpress. I promise I'll never visit that page again."

Jonathan appreciated Ray's friendship and all that came with it. But it was a pretty huge ask, even if it came from Ray, and he didn't believe himself ready to face the possibility of that kind of situation again, nor would he ever be ready.

"We have finals to worry about," he said in a voice he tried to keep light. "Let's ignore Xpress for now. They told me that they would allow me to take my exams."

"Oh, really?" Ray murmured. "What about Maddox?"

"Maddox," Jonathan said with a heartfelt sigh. "I'll have to rely on the power of long letters."

"What's that?" Ray asked.

His bestie didn't insist when he didn't answer. He lay there, by his side, without saying another word, until he drifted off to sleep.

TBC