I Love You

It's Monday morning, I'm on the bus and I'm determined not to shy away from anything today. I've spent the weekend with my friends, I even went shopping with Emma yesterday to discuss Saturday night's shenanigans. She and Nick broke up, although she insists it wasn't over her kissing Austin, and Abbie has officially admitted that she has a huge crush on Jay. If I wasn't a changed woman that would hurt, but I've moved on and I'm officially a strong, independent girl who doesn't need Jacobo Alcantara.

We're still a few minutes away from school and the rush hour traffic has come out in full force this morning, so I take out an earphone and turn around, putting my legs up on the seat beside me, "What's going to happen in the common room this morning?" I ask, having been nowhere but the library for the past three weeks, it's like I'm joining the group as a newbie once again.

Emma's in a trance, listening to a song so loud that it's blaring from her ears, the bassline almost rocking the entire bus. Alison answers before I have to ask again, "Spencer sits where you did now, I think Owen has saved you a spot because he'd always hoped that you'd come back. According to him his 'banter buddy' was gone," She's really putting an emphasis on the air quotes this morning.

"Okay, cool, how do you think they'll be this morning after Saturday's issue?"

"If you're asking if I think that they'll rip each other's heads off then no, no I don't. Jay isn't like that and Spencer is still new to the group, he wouldn't want to risk anything that could potentially get him kicked."

"Well, you never know," Emma says, taking the earphone from her hair as delicately as she can muster so she doesn't ruin the curls she put in it this morning, "I heard Jay was fuming."

"I don't think he'll be as fuming as he would be today, I heard that Abbie is going to try and make a move on him," Alison says, whilst chewing her gum with her mouth wide open, "But don't worry, Gable, we won't let her get to him, and even if she does, I'm pretty sure he'd rather look literally anywhere else."

"Even if it does happen, I'm fine, we both need to move on and I'd rather he move onto someone like Abbie than a girl actually worth dating," I say. Alison's mouth drops so suddenly that her gum falls out, bouncing down the aisle towards the front of the bus, "I'm joking, obviously, but I know that I have to find somebody new so why shouldn't he?"

Emma smiles, "That's my girl! Maybe move onto another boy who has a car, though, this bus really stinks." She nods towards two year nine boys at the front who are spitting in their hands and running it through their hair, attempting to copy a Youtube tutorial where they can make their hair look like a 'classic teen heartthrob', "Man, I hate children."

The bus pulls into the usual spot, a pull-in just outside reception, and all the eager ones stand before the bus has halted to a stop. The sixth formers occupying the back seat, however, all wait until the queuing has finished and we walk off the bus with ease. I make sure not to bump into any of the chavs who got on in the city and, keeping my head down, I walk through the reception and out towards the sixth form building.

The common room is already starting to fill up as we arrive, the breakfast bar in the corner already serving a queue that spans past the majority of the sofas. We walk past the group of girls that sit nearest the doors, their heads are buried in their phones and they're only looking up to judge another's Instagram post or to discuss who they snogged on the weekend.

The sofas beside them, which are usually occupied by the group of friendly nerds that would help you with any maths problems, are empty – with the exception of a single sleeping girl whose head is rested on a textbook for a pillow. I guess the nerds aren't as punctual as you'd expect.

The girl has the most perfectly curled ringlets I have ever seen; I wonder if they're natural or if she spends hours in front of the mirror each day perfecting them…

"Oi, Carlie, are you in there?" It takes me a while to snap from my trance but I find Austin's face with bags under his eyes – clearly not recovered from Saturday's bash – pretending to knock his fist against my head, "Do you want a coffee?' He asks after my eyes lock with his, this is obviously not the first time he's asked.

"I can't say I'm a huge fan of coffee but I'll take a tea, please." I rummage through the books in my handbag, looking for my purse.

"No," He stops my hand as I try to give him a five pound note, "This is a 'forgive me please' gift after me throwing up on you all night. I really don't think I know how to handle my drink." I'm not really paying attention. He's wearing a tatted old hoodie with the word 'Minnesota' printed across it in block capitals and the turquoise cotton brings out the colour in his eyes so beautifully, "Carlie?" He's waving his arms now, "What is up with you today?"

"Sorry, I guess I'm still just tired. That's really kind of you, thank you!" I smile but he still doesn't look completely convinced. Despite himself, he goes and joins the queue for our drinks.

I make my way over to our collection of old sofas that the sixth form has had donated to them over the years. In the first few weeks of year 12, we took the liberty of arranging them in a way to make sure our group had the comfiest ones. Jay is already sat down, scrolling through his phone with his hood up, and Owen is sat beside him, laughing occasionally when Jay shows him something.

Owen is tall, not tall enough to have to duck through doorways but tall enough that a piggy back gives you a definite fear of heights. That's the first thing anybody notices about him but, in almost a second, they'll scan upwards and see his razor sharp cheekbones and jawline that are so perfect they could have been sculpted. He's been my friend since nursery, despite obvious setbacks when he fell out with Emma in year 10, and – coincidentally – he is my brother's best friend.

"Good morning, Gable!" He calls, unusually chipper for eight in the morning. He shuffles away from Jay so that I can sit in between them and rests his head on the arm of the sofa, "Have you managed to do that maths homework? I heard your hangover might have gotten the better of you on Sunday."

"I don't think I would have a hangover as bad as this guy," I nod towards Austin, who is setting the drinks down on the coffee table, still nursing a sore head.

"I don't want to even think about drinking again, I didn't know hangovers could last this long." He's rubbing his forehead as he sits down opposite him.

"Good morning!" Emma shouts in his ear from behind before almost collapsing to the ground with laughter at his high-pitched scream, "I see you're really excited for the week ahead," She smiles her cheesiest grin once she's recovered and flopped onto the sofa beside him.

"Even sounds hurt," He groans, resting his head on her shoulder, "I hate you right now."

"Anyway, Owen, where the hell were you on Saturday night?" Jay says, taking the earphones from his ears and finally joining the conversation.

"I had a hot date."

"Please do spill all." I say.

"I'm joking, obviously, I was with your brother all day," He sighs, "That girl of his is the most annoying person I've ever known."

I sigh, it's not unusual for Luke to go for a bitch, "Does he seem serious about her?"

"I'm not saying too much but I don't think she's into him as much as he is into her."

"That's not great," Austin interjects, "But sometimes people take longer to fall in love than others."

"Yeah, I guess." I remember how long it took me to fall in love with Jay, he had admitted that he had fallen in love in an instant. It took me at least six months to be able to let myself fall, I had wanted to keep myself afloat but it was impossible.

It was a night in December and I had been left home alone because my brother was at Owen's house and my Mum had a meeting. It was a few weeks after my Mum and Dad's divorce became official. Jay had rung me four times but I didn't answer, I was in tears on my kitchen floor, noticing the final family picture had been removed from the fridge.

I thought he had given up after ten minutes of silence, I had settled on the idea of him never wanting to talk to me again, but then I got a knock at the door.

I didn't answer, I was in my pyjamas and had tears streaked down my cheeks. He let himself in after the third ring of the doorbell and soon he was standing in front of me with a box of Christmas chocolates, a blanket and a special edition DVD of Pretty Woman that I had been begging for him to get me for Christmas.

The tears that had dried were once again in full flow and I wouldn't let my hands leave the front of my face. He had started to hum my favourite song under his breath and, pulling my hands away from eyes, he leant down and kissed my cheek before pulling me to my feet, "Dance with me," He whispered, "Dance with me and pretend the world doesn't exist."

"I don't like dancing," I lied, but my hand gripped tighter to his.

"You don't need to dance then, just sway with me." His eyes were pleading, much like mine were, but he didn't stop the tune he was singing. I could taste the salt from the tears in my mouth but I gave my best watery smile nonetheless. He twirled me around, picked me up, flew me around in his arms and held me as I swayed, crying in his arms, for the rest of the song.

It was that night, that cold, miserable night that I realised I didn't want to be with anyone else. The barrier I had been holding up for months had been destroyed and I was falling so uncontrollably in love with Jacobo Alcantara. It wasn't until we were snuggled under the blanket on my sofa, watching pretty woman, that I had the courage to tell him, as quietly as I could:

"I love you," He had said it a million times before but he knew I was never ready. He didn't react, he knew I wouldn't like that, but he simply kissed the side of my forehead and squeezed me tighter – and that was all I needed to know I had made the right choice.