Chapter 1.5 Deals and Feels
We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Out steps SHREK, an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his foot of the page still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at the swamp he calls home, and goes about his daily routine. This includes taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign.
In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go after Shrek. At night they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp, trampling over Shrek's warning signs. Shrek sees them after investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The villagers stop outside Shrek's home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind them.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
VILLAGER 1: Think it's in there?
VILLAGER 2: All right. Let's get it!
VILLAGER 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
VILLAGER 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.
Shrek chuckles, revealing himself to be standing behind the mob.
SHREK: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.
The mob gasp.
SHREK: Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin...
Shrek slowly approaches as the villagers back away in fear.
VILLAGERS: No!
SHREK: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
VILLAGER 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
The villager waves his torch in Shrek's face. Shrek casually licks his fingers and pinches the flame, extinguishing the torch. The villager drops it.
VILLAGER 1: Right...
Shrek terrifies the mob with a great frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches. He wipes his mouth and waits for the villagers to stop screaming.
SHREK: (Whispering) This is the part where you run away.
ALL: (Screaming!!!)
Shrek laughs as the men drop their torches and pitchforks and run away as fast they can.
SHREK: And stay out!
He looks down and picks up a wanted poster dropped by one of the villagers. He reads it aloud.
SHREK: "Wanted. Fairytale creatures"?
He sighs and walks off. dropping the poster to the ground.
THE NEXT DAY - FOREST
Fairy tale creatures are put in chains and led into wagons by Duloc Guards. The Captain of the Duloc Guards sits at a table paying a line of people their rewards for turning in the fairytale creatures. Those waiting in line include Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who is carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs.
GUARD: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
THE CAPTAIN: Next!
GUARD: (Taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)
THE CAPTAIN: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
The captain hands over the reward to the villager who turned the witch in. The villager mutters to himself.
VILLAGER: Lousy twenty pieces...
GUARD: Get up! Come on!
Waiting in line is Donkey on a leash and his owner. He looks in horror at the witch and a group of dwarves being loaded into a wagon.
GUARD: Sit down there! Be quiet!
Mama Bear and Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages, with Little Bear in his own cage.
LITTLE BEAR: (crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY: (To his owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN: Oh, shut up. (Smacks Donkey)
DONKEY: Oh!
THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?
GEPPETTO: This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)
THE CAPTAIN: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
PINOCCHIO: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!
Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.
THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN: Well, I've got a talking donkey.
THE CAPTAIN: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey stays silent).
THE CAPTAIN: Well?