The first task, Contemplation (Day 4), Part 1

Fasnilthar

After finishing with most of the preparations for our previous foes allocation, the sisters present gave us our leave to return to the town. Maybe they did it to keep us in suspense in regards to how they were even planning on transporting the Daokinyev, though I was guessing based on context their plan likely involved mass teleportation. It was also likely they noticed the internal struggle one of us was currently facing, or that Nalfimiria commented on it. Either way, we were strolling back to the base by that point. None of us were really saying anything. Or rather, everybody knew Chiaisei and Finarkzir were talking by that point, and nobody really wanted to interrupt them. Like, I'm kinda dumb, but even I knew it was best to let them talk it out between each other at first at least, seeing as Chiaisei herself had told me by that point she saw Finarkzir as a sister. 

I mean, Finarkzir didn't really speak to the rest of us frequently. Probably partially because Chiaisei hadn't been extending the link between them to the rest of us too often. Still, knowing that they were bonded partners, I think it sort of made sense to assume they were talking through thought a lot of the time, especially those where it was clear Chiaisei was spacing out. After their silent discussion continued for some time, she started looking down, and our friendly eagle stopped showing any signs of talking. Finarkzir then looked at me, and started glancing at my arms. I interpreted this as her asking to perch herself on me briefly, and after I extended my right arm to receive her, she planted her talons on it. She was massive, as far as birds are concerned, so I was worried for a moment if holding her wouldn't be too hard on me, but it ended up working out (probably because of the effects of her magic). She then looked me in the eyes and started screeching quietly. I hadn't spent too much time with the bird by that point, but the mixture of my past experience with magical birds and the extra days I had spent with those two were enough for me to figure out what she likely was trying to tell me, without needing to trigger any thought communication between us. 

"What a shocker, I'm really getting used to this, huh? Anyways, how should I even start this sort of talk? I'm guessing Chiaisei probably has seen Finarkzir hunt before, and she's definitely used to sparring by now, but feeling the weight on her hands seems to be having an effect. Maybe…" I considered how to approach this topic for some time, while drawing closer to her. She had been directing her glance mostly to the ground as we walked, but when she noticed I was drawing near, she looked up to acknowledge me. She tried smiling, likely to comfort me. It was awkward. Like, since meeting her, I always had the feeling her smiles portrayed almost exactly what she had in mind when she smiled, as if they were trained from her birth. There were some occasions where she failed to hide discomfort or other similar feelings, but never had an attempt at putting up a face from her felt so clearly false. "Chiaisei, this isn't just about your first kill, is it?" I had a feeling there was more to this, but decided not to comment on it. 

—Come to think of it, with me, it was with another human. The first time as a whole, I mean. It was already my fifth month of work, if I remember correctly, and it was the first time we dealt with a rogue. — After I started my story, I spent some seconds in silence thinking over how to continue it. During those seconds, it seemed everybody placed their eyes on me, bird included. 

—There was a hostage situation sorta going on. Or rather, by the looks of things, it was possible it would have ended up developing into one. On one side to that guy, there was a civilian who ended up stumbling into the scene, since the fight was taking place near a town. It was a kid. Seeing as that part of the woods was open for visitations normally, maybe it was a spot she was used to visiting. Or, I mean, she didn't die or anything, okay? At first, our opponent seemed to be the closest one to her. One of my friends made the call to rush towards her, and in that moment, it almost felt like it was all in the balance, you know? My friend was at risk, as was a civilian. And my more competent allies were either occupied by other opponents or too far away to act. And in that moment, a doubt appeared in my mind. "If I hold out with my next shot, I'm not sure if it will reach them in time." There was no time to make proper calculations, and the clearest shots I had were in the target's head and spine. So I didn't hold back. Anything. I shot to kill, and I succeeded. — I wasn't sure what was the best way to tell that story. In parts because it didn't affect me too much by that point. Still, it did feel inappropriate to act cheerful while talking about a previous victim of mine. 

—Once the fighting was done, my senior recommended that I stay away from the body. Looking at the results of our spells can be extra shocking, she told me. But I refused. I wanted a clear image of what I did to remember. Honestly, the memory is still vivid to this day. His neck had been twisted out of place by the impact of my attack, and part of his skull had been crushed. I think one of the eyes even creeped out of his sockets. Maybe it's part of the reason why I prefer to land clean kills so much. Seeing it all in front of me at the time was so scary. That wasn't my only unwise decision that day, either. 

—Despite the fact the guild insisted I shouldn't, I went out of my way to learn more about my victim. His name, age, backstory. Most of it stuff before his group went rogue, of course. Seeing as he was one of the mages in it, there were a lot of records about him. And honestly… Before that point, most of the times I heard about rogues, people always went out of their way to denounce them for cowardice, or for their crimes. For taking the gift of the Great Sisters and turning it against normal people. But like any other rogue I have ever fought or killed, nothing about his background really screamed: "I was born to do evil!", you know? His life was normal, up until some bullshit and desperation forced him to try his hand at crime, and to him it stuck as a means of rebelling and living. I can't say I would have made the same choices as he did, but I also couldn't say I wouldn't exactly, right? 

—There were other early kills in my career that left an impact of sorts. Another that comes to mind was the first time I put someone down. To summarize, I shot to kill against her as well, but the hit itself wasn't a clean one. I ended up shattering one half of her ribcage and tearing part of one arm, but it didn't kill her immediately. That said, one of her lungs was practically crushed by the impact. The other was mostly functional, so she lasted a few minutes, but based on the look of things at the scene, it looked like any attempt to breathe from her part was causing the blown of bones to scratch against both the partially destroyed and remaining lung. This lasted some time, since it happened in the middle of the fight. When our main healer got to her, she was already beyond saving for someone on our level. So, while looking at her as she agonized over the wound, I apologize before making her heart stop beating. This is why I find electricity so handy, you know? I know being affected by it is really painful when it isn't well directed, but if a spell is crafted to kill, the heart, lung or brain of the target will stop working instantly after the spell connects. It spares them from a painful death, I figured. — I had no idea at the time if my logic was correct in this case. It was comforting to think I was right, though, hence I never researched the topic in too much detail. 

—Still, in both of those cases, at the end of my research about my victims, I always reminded myself of one thing. I guess you could say it's like a pledge of sorts? To their souls, supposing they could hear me. "You won't be the last one." It's kind of a ritual of mine of sorts. So that I can keep in track my priorities, right? They don't come in a particular order, though. But the first reminder I wanted to bring up is to always try my hardest to stay alive through a fight. Maybe some of those souls would be satisfied with their killer's death, though honestly, that sounds kinda dumb to me. Hence, letting any sense of guilt weigh me down during a fight would be stupid of me as well. The other priorities… Well, I guess they are sorta like the conditions to which I restrict myself before putting lethal force behind any spell. If neither of them are met, I consider killing to strictly have been a mistake. They are about my main commitments, as a mage and a warrior. 

—Firstly, my commitment to this job, and my role as a protector. I fight to protect normal people from things they can't protect themselves against, primarily. If there are civilians in a scene, fighting as seriously as I can is a given to me. Even if it puts my opponents under bigger risk. Because this is the job and cause I accepted as a Pact Warden. Even if I have to hurt, kill and be hurt in return, I would have to be insane to pick this job just because of the money. Keeping normal people safe and sound within their homes is what has always inspired me the most, and I'm ready to kill at any point if it means trading that life for that of some bystander unconnected to a given fight. This is my job, and the reason why I accepted living life like a warrior in the first place. 

—The second cause is… well, I guess nowadays all of you. But this includes my former teammates as well. How do I put this? This isn't necessarily to say I think your or their lives are worth more than those of strangers, or anything like that, but personally, I believe there is a sort of commitment to being part of a team in this sort of work. As a mage, my main job in battle is to cover for each of you, and the same applies to each of you too, in a sense. This is part of the duty in working as a unit, the way I see it. Meaning, whenever I think a teammate is in danger, my tendency is to stop holding back, as far as things are necessary. Of course, since mages are far less frail than normal people while in battle, there is usually more room to think in a situation one of us could be in danger. Still, know that I'm committed to this. Regardless of what may happen, I'll be here to cover for each of you, so long as we're fighting together. Like this or not, if I ever think any of you is in danger, you might get to see a skull being split apart as well. — Maybe some of my words creeped out the group, probably the part about splitting skulls open, but hey, you gotta give that warning at some point. 

—Though I guess, if the first cause is more like a guiding principle for me of sorts, this is more a personal thing. I don't know what it must feel like to lose a partner. And honestly, there are few things that sound scarier to me. Having to cremate someone, after spending months or years on end living with them, talking with them, learning about them and fighting with them. Personally? I fear this far more than death itself. Like, getting hurt is a fundamental risk for us to accept, right? So I spent my whole time training thinking about it. But once I got to meet my first group… All of the time we spent together, all the laughing, smiling and general messing around. I'm terrified of losing any of them. 

—Like, dying must be scary, but it goes by quickly. This, on the other hand… It feels like a weight you would carry for your whole life. I don't ever want to feel this way. Honestly, a good portion of my fear of death comes from the fear of causing scars like this on others as well, and being unable to help them, or console them once I'm gone. This is why… well. It's tough for me to study up on people I've killed in the past. Maybe it sounded like I could handle it well, but I can't. Trust me. And this also happens to be my limit, in a sense. Whenever we finish a mission, and end up bringing in people whose partners I or any of us killed… I'm terrified of talking to them personally. With wounds it's easy, but seeing this kind of pain… Seeing the effects I might have had on them… I, I'm not sure if I could handle it. — As I reached the end of my explanation, my voice started cracking. 

Keeping my cool while thinking of those things was too hard. I also realized I had started crying a little after finishing my point. At first, it was only a few tears, but for some reason, noticing they were there made even more of them keep streaming down. I ended up slowing down our walk as a result, while trying to hold them back, and Nalfimiria took the initiative in halting the whole group. With that, I took a few seconds to weep, as well as to try to recover. "Come on, eyes. I've just told them I'm a fighter! I shouldn't be showing them tears at a point like this." My thoughts didn't help with calming down, but it wasn't long before I stopped crying either. Sowanar offered me a tissue after I was mostly done. I got curious for a second why he had it and where in his armor he had been hiding it, though I decided voicing that question might ruin the mood a little. 

After that, we spent some time in silence, while still standing still. The fields we were returning to were near, and we kinda spent some time observing them, as well as the forest itself. The wind, the grass fields, the trees, the occasional sheep eating in the distance. There was much to observe, though a lot of that went through my head at that point. My worries, the silence. Its duration kinda made me feel the others neither were counting nor completely sure of how to answer to the spiel I ended up delivering. 

"I might have gotten too caught up in the moment. Even I'm feeling kinda awkward, huh? Welp, they'll hopefully recover from the shock soon." Remember kids, we in this somewhat cramped office do not condone random trauma dumping! Sharing the baggage among friends is advisable sometimes, but throw it too roughly and it will hit like a blunt weapon! And as a general rule, getting to know other people by discussing existential fears and your scars will either lead to beautiful connections or extremely short lived ones. You need some set up for this type of thing, and though at the start my line of thinking might have worked with it, going for the fears that keep me up at night might have been too forward at a first week relationship. Even in the positive case for this situation, understanding why this type of surprise can feel violent from the listener's perspective is often needed to establish a healthy connection to others. Always ask for consent before dropping extremely emotionally heavy topics on others! 

—You know, I've already brought this up with a few of you, but I have a teacher of sorts, right? — Nalfimiria told us. She seemed to be the least shocked by my sudden confession. 

"She did say she works as a therapist in the temples at times. Hearing this kind of stuff probably feels far less abnormal to her." Which thankfully also meant she was ready to rescue me. My pink savior! 

—Yes, I believe you've mentioned it. — While answering, Chiaisei moved close to me and offered me a shoulder. She was quite a bit shorter than me, and having my junior trying to comfort me did make things more embarrassing even, still, I accepted her offer. We had to lean against a nearby tree to sustain the position, though. 

—Though I haven't quite explained everything about her yet. She is strong, right? Not in a normal way. 

—You mean…? — Sowanar asked, having returned his interest to the talk as well. 

—She is one of the Watchers. I imagine you've all heard of them? — Judging by everyone's reaction, yes, we all had. Senshin in particular almost jumped at the mention of that word. 

—Hold it. I suspected you were acquainted with one, but a direct apprentice?! — If his reaction wasn't enough just from the previous description, this was the most frantic I have ever heard Senshin sound. Which I couldn't exactly blame him for. 

"A Watcher… You don't hear about those too often. It did seem like her master was potentially in the thousands, but she might be much older and stronger than I thought." I didn't know much about the beings known as Watchers. As a mage, and one considered a friend of the sisterhoods, I knew that every temple had a member known as a Watcher within it. The sisters and brothers said that the Watchers were the strongest among them. Ones who were not only recognized by them, but who answered directly to the Greater Aspects. That also reminded me of a conversation I had with Clarssimin, a former companion of mine who was a sister in training. In order to even be classified as a potential Watcher, a follower of the paths must first reach the stage of Minor Aspect of Magic in their training. I'm not even sure if that term is used among civilians a whole lot. Ascendent levels of magic are hardly a common thing to begin with. 

Although there is only a single stage separating an archmage from a Minor Aspect of Magic, in terms of raw power, it's like there is an entire dimension separating them, from what I heard. And a Lesser Aspect was said to be on a different step entirely within this different dimension. Like how every level of magic seems to be a great deal of steps above the last one, this was the biggest gap in ability between any two stages, likely a result of the fact it was the last stage even a mythical creature can reach. I didn't know much else that characterized this state, other than the fact it was pretty much an exclusive form of development for mythical creatures. And that this heightened power and the exclusivity of it were the main reasons why the mythical kinds were seen as our world's gods before the Greater Aspects of Magic were born. "Yeah, that master is sounding more interesting by the words we hear about her. And as she should be Ageless… Was this why Nalfimiria brought up that stuff about her fetish?" If this person was so important to her life, then that sort of explained why she was so intrigued by immortal women in specific. This master likely had left her with quite the impression, since those two met. 

—Yeah, and a pretty old one at that. She is actually a veteran of the Abyssal Wars, from what I heard from grandma. Born around the same era of the Greater Aspects. 

—She truly must be strong then. And incredibly wise, to boot. I can certainly imagine she must have had quite an impact on your life. — Chiaisei said, while still holding my head. 

—Though a veteran of the Abyssal Wars? We aren't talking about one of the First Disciples, are we? — Senshin asked, seeming even more out of whack than after he heard she was talking about a Watcher. I guessed at the time that as the son of members of the sisterhood, he likely had access to all of the information I had and more. Which was why I didn't find it surprising that he was so freaked out by this topic. Especially if his comment about the disciples turned out to be true. 

—No. She fought with them, but wasn't really a part of either group. She only really joined our path once the sisterhoods were truly founded. Still, she's told me a load of incredible stories about that period to me by this point. This isn't necessarily what I wanted to talk about, though. — As Nalfimiria told us this, she seemed to be deep in thought. 

—It's a bit of a tangent if the spiel the girl gave is used as the model for this conversation, yet I believe this to me is what is most essential. My teacher just might be the most significant person in my present life, after all. A lot of what I've been doing over the past decades centers on a goal I've developed from watching her. Though perhaps calling it a goal makes it sound far more complex than it really is? Ultimately, all I'm really trying to do is to impress a person I admire. — Saying as much, Nalfimiria glanced towards the sky, while still carrying that contemplative look. She didn't sound quite the same as in other points where her tone appeared to break from her norm at that point, though the difference in her voice still was easy to spot. If I had to say why, I think the best word is simply that she sounded more mature than normal. 

—Not that I think she neglects me, mind you. Simply, my master has taught many other young ones over her long life. No two, three, four, ten, thirty or even fifty more. She likely had over hundreds of pupils by this point. Among this whole crowd, the present me is a rather ordinary girl. Standing out inside it might be impossible even if I were to shout as loud as I can. But this isn't to say that she expects too much of me either, or that she seems disappointed with me. On the contrary, like many of the others, it sometimes feels as if nothing I've ever done in front of her has proven to be unexpected. She likely knows my limits and potential far better than I do. This can be comforting in a way, but… I still want to leave a bigger impact. I will never be among the people to whom she cares about the most. Yet, as a pupil, I want to try my hardest to surpass the image she has estimated of me. Because that's the answer that I found for those glimmering eyes. — She took a brief pause while looking above, extending a hand as if reaching for the sun. She was staring at it directly, but I was pretty confident protecting herself from the luminosity wouldn't be a difficult feat regardless. 

—When I first saw the way she looks and interacts with things, to me it felt as if those eyes were already numb to the world. Among elves, it is said that it is usually in our seventh century that novelty and discovery start feeling like such distant feelings they start rooting themselves as nostalgic dreams. All of the world slowly loses its wonder to the eyes of those too experienced, after all. For nothing can be so compelling and deep to entertain the subject as much for the thousandth time they've tried it as the first. And as the firsts mostly run dry, our view of reality withers. This is what old age means to an elf. In some ways it might be different, yet I assume most long lived have a somewhat similar experience. Hence, when I first met that peculiar being, I assumed her gaze had withered, just as I described. For one old enough to have seen the Ancient World, even elven elders might be deemed young by comparison, and I likely was nothing more than an overconfident brat to her. By that point, it was unlikely there was much in the world she had never seen in the first place, so her disinterest should have been a given. Yet as more time passed, that conclusion began feeling ridiculous. A closer look made it blatantly evident the root of my guess had been wrong. — There was a sense of calm with how she delivered many parts of this story. Her speaking was slower, and there were some short interruptions spread out all over it. It seemed the scene and memories she recalled had many years to them. I think the stereotypical image humans had of elves typically came from this type of speech. 

—That gaze, as used to as it was to the world, it still gave everything around her its full attention. It didn't matter what it was. Maybe at some point it was my questions, the way she observed the passerby in areas she was present, or perhaps some of the reunions for which I followed her. Her care was put into everything around her, and despite being divided so thoroughly, the devotion at the core of it remained strong. The way she devotes herself so fully to the things under her care, that has been something I wished to learn from ever since I first noticed it. Trying to surpass her hopes for me isn't simply my means of gaining more of her attention. I want to try to replicate at least a little bit of this lesson in faith. By giving my all for this goal, I want to try to learn all that I can from her. I don't know for how long this resolve will last. Keeping it lit for over a decade has already been hard, so it would be insolent of me to assume how many centuries of this I can handle. However, so long as this ember glows, I want to try to make it shine as brightly as a star. Anything else wouldn't be enough to reach out to my master. This will is even part of what I dedicated to my vows. It's in this goal that I've made myself a woman and a sister, after all. — Her final declaration was followed by a small period of silence. 

—Still… Isn't devoting your vows to someone other than the Greater Ones a bit strange? Even if she has been a sister for so long. — Sometime after hearing her, Senshin pointed out. Hearing him caused Nalfimiria to laugh a little. I thought that was the first time something caused her to laugh in front of us. Or at least, where we saw her laughing unintentionally. 

—Oh, is it? Well, that is certainly a strange comparison to make. But I did pass the ceremony, right? If the Great Sisters found that inappropriate, they probably would have called me out on it during the ceremony. Also… — While telling us as much, she raised a hand to the sky, while looking towards the sun. I couldn't guess what her exact angle was, but it seemed like she was trying to grasp at it. — Lady Melynaris is the strongest of all, and the most incredible person I've ever met. I admire her like no one else and am proud to call her goals mine as well. I can tell you that much. — While looking at the sun, it felt as if her smile briefly grew wider. 

—Is that so? Well, Senshin's doubts aside, this teacher of yours sounds like an incredible person. I hope we get to meet her someday. — I wished sincerely. We hadn't heard a lot, but based on what little we did and the person Nalfimiria seemed to be by that point, it was hard not to be curious. 

—Don't worry. I'm sure you will. Until then, I'll keep bothering you with more stories about her occasionally, though! 

After this last confirmation of hers, we once again spent some more seconds in silence. The mood was different that time, though. Nobody wanted to make any requirements or anything, but the impression I was getting was that as a whole, the group was sort of expecting some kind of confession from everyone, even if slight. Only if just to cover our reasons for fighting. The way she looked between me and Nalfimiria at this point, it seemed to me like Chiaisei was pondering on talking as well, yet in the end, Sowanar raised his hand before she could, potentially having noticed the gesture as well. As we more or less had each found ourselves some kind of backrest by that point, we kinda neatly formed a circle, and he stepped closer to the center of it for a moment, like if he was about to give a speech. 

—My current motivation has other causes for it, but in more personal terms, I would say it is somewhat similar to Nalfimiria's. By that I mean, it is also a woman, though I assure you my relationship with this one has either no or few other similarities to that of my lord and her mentor. I suppose in my case, this person is something akin to a sponsor to me. I refer to the one who granted me a title, and greatly aided in my process of becoming a Champion, the lord who assigned me to Nalfimiria, and therefore to meet you. Her assistance is what brought me to this stage. Without her assistance, gaining as much renown as I have within the orders would have been next to impossible by this point. For that sense, I feel as if my very career has been built upon her aid, a good enough reason for most knights to swear loyalty to a lord, I can assure you. Though I suppose in my case, I would be lying if I said this was it. — For most of his explanation, Sowanar remained as stoic as I had been growing to expect of him. Though it did seem that mention of his lord almost made him smile genuinely at some point. I guessed he had a lot of good memories connected to this woman. 

—Oh. The two of you brought her up yeste- 

—Senshinzako, not another word, please. I didn't ask it of you yesterday, however I would thank you if that talk stayed between the three of us. Honestly, I was rather nervous of hearing it mentioned before you as it stood. — After his interruption, Senshin seemed to accept the request well enough. Seeing the ever polite knight of ours interrupting someone made me curious for the cause, but I decided that this wasn't something he would want us to try to talk about. 

—Anyhow, although lord Nalfimiria is free to talk about this matter as much as she wants, I do not have the authorization to discuss this matter openly with any of you. I hope you will forgive me for skirting by this topic. — While saying this, he bowed briefly towards Chiaisei and me. Neither of us protested against the choice, which caused him to continue. 

—What I will say about my lord, the one to whom my blade is sworn, is that my loyalty feels far more personal than I should have allowed it to be. After all, regardless of how many times she told me she saw sponsoring a knight because she believed in my ability, and that if her beliefs are to take shape this would greatly benefit her, for as much as it shames me to admit it I never could fully believe her when she told me this. Not to say there are no issues with her logic, just that… Well, if her only interest was to reap the benefits of this bet, there are definitely safer choices than me. My lord is one of the brightest persons I've ever met, hence why I am sure she would consider this drawback of sorts before making her choice of a knight. And I have no doubt there are many who could fulfill the same role she reserved to me without any risk of backfiring, in case I never grow to the renown necessary to accomplish my own goal. Realizing this, I always tried thinking of other motives she might have, so that I might best serve to assist her, whether she had chosen to trust her motivation to me or not. 

—I first met this lord when I was around eight, and through the years of knowing and interacting with her, this question never left my mind. As clever as she is, I felt that only constant observation might close this particular gap between us. And as the years of knowing her kept extending, it slowly became clearer it hadn't been a matter of reason, as much as I denied that explanation initially. It likely had been nothing more than her gentility acting, ever since then. Someone was in pain, she had the means to help so she used them. That she could gain benefits herself from this act likely had just been an unexpected boon. I had originally deemed this possibility unlikely, given how rational most of her actions seem to be. However over my many years around her, I got to witness this side of hers many times. She rarely acted on it directly if it involved risks to her goals, but it was rare to see her simply ignore or turn away from another's problems. Even on her busiest days, my lord will still pay attention to the pains of all around her. — After speaking as much, he seemed to glance towards Nalfimiria for a moment, as if to confirm something. Whatever it was, she gave him the go ahead after checking something through her thought communicator. 

—Living like this likely hasn't been easy on my lord. Her own life was always far from what one would consider painless, yet she never hesitated to push herself in order to protect those around her. Most likely, shielding me and setting up my rise also took a lot of effort from her. I suppose this is to say, in a sense my loyalty is born from this point. Not to say that I am particularly passionate about such ideas to begin with, to be frank. I haven't met many others who I would prefer to follow than her, though this also in many ways comes down to what I view as a personal debt. I've done very little to repay her for all her assistance, and I doubt simply completing our shared goal would be enough. I still need to learn much in order to repay all of the support I've been offered. This is also likely connected to the source of my shame. — As he continued, his voice gradually started losing its intensity, even if not to the point listening to him would be hard. 

—I suppose leaving things at that might make them too ambiguous. When I glance at the brightness of my lord, at times I feel frustrated with myself. Some of that is the irony of calling myself her knight when she has been doing far more for me than I've ever offered her. But for the most part, it is simply spite to the man I have become. I am far from what most would consider a person of good character, yet I always embraced these faults as a necessity within a difficult life. Seeing the qualities of my lord reminds me of this difference in strength between us, as a result. She has also lived through many struggles, but she refused to abandon her gentle sides. We both lived through somewhat similar situations, yet she tried growing from the hardship instead of taking my same shortcuts. It's why I feel I need more strength, even if of a different type than hers. I can't say I wish to be better as a whole, though at least I wish the right to earn her kindness. — As the speech seemed to sort of reach a natural break to it, I took a second or two to try to process it. 

"… Yeah, it's difficult to even find room to relate. Haven't seen much that matches with his evaluation of his character, but it sounds like we've lived very different lives, so far. I should at least learn a bit more about him before trying to make my own conclusions." It did seem like he believed his every word so I decided to accept them for now, though even if I suspected the face he was putting up was too superficial by that point, the type of negativity she showed towards himself was one I wasn't that familiar with. I mean, I did have the habit of being a bit mean to myself while introspecting at times, yet the substance of the blows was pretty different in those cases. If his sounded like "I'm a horrible person", mine were closer to the "I'm useless" type. "I'll have to know more to sympathize with his pain, though that likely won't be discussed any more today. This doesn't sound like the type of discussion that comes easily out of anyone." 

—At any rate, I apologize if I prolonged this topic beyond its original goal. I don't often find chances to discuss such topics, so perhaps I've spoken more than you are willing to listen. I would appreciate it if you didn't bring up the things I said too often, also. Either way, there is something else I believe I need to confess to you. The sooner the better. — Saying as much, he took a sip of the water he had with him. 

—I won't tell you my mission for a while to come, but in order to accomplish it I will need a lot of renown as a knight. This was why my Master assigned me to lord Nalfimiria. By working alongside her, as the assistant of this important guest, my lord's hope is that I will be credited by any notable deeds this group accomplishes, as well as gain a higher standing with the more powerful within our region, through my role on a matter as delicate as the one surrounding lord Nalfimiria. In this sense, I can't say I've met any of you while expecting to find companions, or friends, for that matter. Not to mention, it is possible my Lord will try to over emphasize the role I play on this unit over the rest of you. I hope this doesn't bother you. 

—Don't be silly. The only people a pact warden has to please with their performance are the ones we report to. You can take as much of the credit for the big deeds as you can. — I told him, and it seemed the others were in agreement, as no one really protested or anything. 

—Thank you each for your kindness. To be honest, I also think I lucked out with this group in itself. You each seem to be good company. I'm thankful to be given a chance to work with you. — He gave us some kind of salute while telling us this. It seemed like the ones used by knights to demonstrate gratitude. 

After that, we took another short break from the confessions. Mostly to process the information and all, as well as to give time so our juniors could decide if they wanted to be a part of them or not. Honestly, until Nalfimiria had opened her mouth I was pretty confident going into so much detail about my feelings had been a shitty idea, and the thought of doing this as a group hadn't even passed through my mind. And until Sowanar decided to speak, I was wondering whether this talk would end there or not, despite the fact the subtext was that each of us would get a turn, if everyone wanted it. Without really saying anything, I turned to Chiaisei, as the two of us were still resting against each other. She whispered to me that she was considering joining. I thought about asking if Finarkzir had anything to say as well, but before I could, Senshin raised one of his hands. It seemed he was offering himself to go next, so we gave him the turn. And hey, I'll even let him describe it in the text! I'll be back before long though, since he just wants this section of the talk. So see you soon!