Even more meetings! Part 2

Fasnilthar

Yep, that was sort of a weird cut. I think authors do that occasionally? Who knows, I don't really read that much storytelling. Or rather, most of what I read was in preparation for writing my sections here, so I'm still kinda new at this. At any rate, we cut the talk leading to our meeting with Senshin, so let's go over part of it now. 

—So? — Chiaisei asked. I imagined this meant she was asking for my confirmation on this. 

—I mean, we might as well try. Talking to someone who is that quiet shouldn't be that hard for me of all people. And if he likes saying yes or no so much, that's just a matter of not asking anything that can be answered like that. Still, there will be other people involved in this. They might have a problem with this, and if I can't get the issues through with him, that might cause some trouble later on. Do you mind? 

—Not at all. I would be neutral to this situation normally, at best. You like helping others though, right? Seeing that side of you is enough of a reward for me. So? — She asked me once again, but this time she was smiling. Not like when she is normally putting up a face, but the sincere kind of smile she would occasionally show, growing more frequent the more time we spent together. I always found it almost as motivating as I felt it was beautiful. A girl who originally seemed so closed off gleaming so brightly and honestly. Seeing it motivated me, as if a reminder that anyone out there, regardless of their situation, might reply with kindness when extending a helping hand. 

—Not sure if I can pull this off alone. Can you help out? — Understanding the suggestion on that smile, I asked. 

—Of course! Just focus on carrying along as talkative as you usually are at first. If you find any trouble expressing the issue directly, I'll handle it. Finding the cracks on a recluse should be as easy as spotting a hill dragon for these eyes. With magic or without, discovering and delivering the appropriate message shouldn't be that hard. Even if I have to burst his eardrums open, I am confident I can do this. — The request seemed to have put her in a good mood. She wasn't even trying to hide it from the clerk and other observers for a moment, before returning to her usual composure. 

With that, we headed to meet Senshin, and the talk went as you've already seen. My general impressions of him? Honestly, I think his section makes them pretty clear. He only ever talked when asked to, and even then, he tried keeping every interaction we had as brief as possible. He seemed clearly unaware of some things people expect even children to understand and constantly seemed to try to ignore anything that wasn't directly connected to work. He also made it pretty clear not only that he was going through that talk out of a perceived obligation, but that he was working under some pretty intense misconceptions about what we were doing from the start. Like, when he first told me years ago that at first he thought the complex and mysterious rite of small talk was some kind of coded test I couldn't keep myself from laughing at him. 

Over all, this made his position about interpersonal relationships pretty transparent to almost anyone around him. To only interact with others as much as needed, and do whatever else he did with his time normally instead. No wonder the other people who talked to him got a little freaked out by him. If you know the context and this focus of his, the situation gets less weird, though if you know nothing about him, well, that's a warning that feels pretty difficult to ignore. Other than that, if I had to describe things like his appearance, I would say the first thing that came to mind was how simple his choice of clothing and equipment were. 

Nothing seemed to be badly made, but his clothes were plain, without any additional detail embroidered anywhere. Most of it had the same colors as well, and I wasn't sure whether or not it was a coincidence that those colors were known to facilitate camouflaging in some parts of a city during daytime. I dearly hoped it was, by the way. His hair color was the flashiest thing to pick on immediately, however the fact he kept it tied made it harder to spot. He was also clearly athletic, based on the shape behind his clothes, yet it felt he didn't want to call anyone's attention to that detail. Combined with the bit of eating rations, I figured this meant he saw his body in a purely pragmatic sense. If there was anything else of note, it was the fact he was kind of pretty, in a sort of androgynous way. Not quite to the same extent as a male elf, who usually just look almost exactly like their women but with a dick and no breasts, just that he had no distinctive features to point either way. If you had shown me a picture that only covered his head before I got the chance to meet him and asked me his sex, I likely would have ended up guessing randomly. 

With my impressions described, over that conversation I was glad my girl was with me. Not like I didn't realize some of the same things she did, or that I couldn't have said them to an extent myself, just that I wasn't confident my choice of words would have made the points Chiaisei had made anywhere near as clear as she did. In the short time we had before Senshin showed back up again too, she seemed pretty pleased with her performance, especially after I complimented her. "Maybe going overboard with the questions about the sister put her down a little. She could be seeing this as a way of making up for it, then." Chiaisei tended to feel bad whenever she failed at just about anything, from what I had seen. Making this kind of mistake appeared to count as far as she was concerned as well. 

Either way, with Senshin returning to us, we quickly headed back to the streets. I had thought to comment back then on how moved he appeared to be while we were stepping outside, likely due to the speech he was making to himself, but I decided against it. After a second or two like that, though, I got back to asking him about whatever came to my mind. Some of it was repeated from previous questions, just with the new focus being expressing not describing, however I also took the chance to ask more specific things about his country while we were at it. Zinsaki Nohin is on the smaller side when compared to other human countries, and ever since I laid eyes on it on a map I always found the discrepancy in size between it and Xazin Lawqizarch to be intense. 

The cities and population of the country were even more compact than in normal human lands, and as most of them were in a small stretch of land between the seas and one of the mountain ranges separating those two countries, I imagined nature there likely was really unique when compared to most other human territories. Especially when you consider that although it is nowhere near as noticeable as it is in Xarzin Lawqizarch, the effects of the elemental domains around that area are still clear in that zone, not to mention how densely populated with magical and mythical creatures it is when compared to Galecirnan. 

Gujimatsuki was one of the main regions of contact between the social and wild world globally, after all, beaten only by some of the elven states out there, if you even consider Javrulfadin to be a single nation by this point. Which was all to say, I was pretty confident even someone who did nothing but train all day likely had something to say about the environment if they were born around that area. And I was right. Be it from secondhand stories, seeing as his parents often worked as messengers and speakers between the sisterhood and the various magical kinds living all around that area, even to his direct experiences, Senshin had a lot to say about this type of thing once I started pointing him in the right direction. 

Like, most of the walk got filled up just by this kind of talking. And surprisingly, he kind of sounded like he had been a crazy kid through parts of it. The boy had visited areas classified as wild world for training from as early as 8. It wasn't deep within it, and he had the company of his parents and many more Path Tracers, though still, it takes a kid with guts to accept that kind of invitation. Most of his stories about this kind of thing revolved around training somehow, so it didn't feel like he was just in it for the views or anything, but it did seem like he enjoyed that kind of space from what he said. 

"He's likely very good at trailing through a forest, then. A pretty good skill to have as a beginner. Senshin, if you said this sort of thing in your other interviews you might never have met us." I thought, though I decided not to mention that point. Still, one way or another most of his stories in this regard either involved getting out into the wild world to train or using the view of the nearby wildlife to relax post training*. Basically, it was starting to feel clearer that almost every moment of his life he didn't spend with some other obligation, like studying, Senshin spent training. 

(*Similarly to Javrulfadin, the exact line between forest and city was harder to draw in most parts of Gujimatsuki. Hence, it wasn't that uncommon to find normal wildlife just hanging around there, or to have the treeline that forms around cities usually to develop way further to the inside of it.)

—Senshin, you talk a lot about training, don't you? 

—Of course. It's part of all of our lives, isn't it? 

—Yeah, but you know. I think most people do it less. Not sure if worrying about it the whole day is even that effective, even if it's Iscathnerin. 

—In a way. Still offers me the time to train a great variety of fighting styles and useful skills though, while still staying in good shape. — Senshin said. Just from looking at him like that, he still merited the "Avoid direct combat"* category in my mind, and I sort of understood how keeping that up alongside everything else he is trained in. 

(*When fighting is part of your livelihood, any tell you can preemptively get on an opponent is something we learn to value. And levels of muscle is usually a very blatant indication of someone's depth into infusing magic, at times. We don't have enough free time to train in something if it will bring no benefits on the job. It isn't easy to spot these things by eyesight, but in Senshin's case I got the impression he likely could fight directly well, but it wasn't his focus. My favorite tell is shoulder length. Hard to hide, and pretty essential for this type.) 

—I hope that all will be of use, at least. But why focus so hard on this from the very start? — From the sound of it, he started obsessing over training right as his childhood started. 

Not exactly a habit you expect people to pick up on while they're still 5. And sure, he likely had picked up more athletic skills due to that, though that still isn't that common. Mages tend to focus less on some parts of that because in most situations you can just brute force your way through situations that might be useful through magic. Maybe he was better at climbing, vertical and horizontal jumping or sprinting than Chiaisei as an example, but she probably could still beat him in all of these fields due to how effective wind casting was at safely tossing around the mage sustaining the spell. And you know, most mages learn to glide or float at some point around adept level, or even intermediate depending on their fields. Climbing and jumping become just methods to work out past that point (at best) for most of us, right? 

—Nothing else I could have been doing would have helped with my goals more. Or at least, I thought so for a long time. 

—But as you said before, there is something that you're lacking that caused you to be rejected while still as an apprentice. It's possible that focus all of this time was what kept you unaware of this flaw, isn't that right? — Chiaisei pointed out, and by the looks of things Senshin agreed on that point as he nodded his agreement. 

—Right. There are things I should have been learning more about up until this point. Things I didn't even realize that were required of a brother. Otherwise, I doubt the journey I have been sent on would have led me this far from home. 

—Indeed. Like the skills you proved to be lacking in already. Focusing too hard on physical training likely made it harder to develop towards them, you realize? 

—If it can help on my path, it was worth it. Simple. 

—Though some of the flaws you have already shown can have their drawbacks during combat as well. Was that also a conscious choice? 

—Like what? Those things seem disconnected to me. 

—Guessing at your thoughts is fairly easy, based on how you usually position yourself. I don't need to explain why that would be a problem, do I? Besides… — While taking a small break from speaking, she started moving ahead of us for a step or two, all the while continuing to glance at our direction. 

—Do you have any idea how easy it is to follow your glance? Next time, might as well declare it when you're trying to spot information on somebody. — As she said so, I sort of realized why she had been altering her pace a little. Since he was currently talking to Chiaisie, his face more or less would follow both of our directions in some ways. 

—Is it? That might just be you. — While he said so, I got a suspicion Chiaisei had some more shit ready to dump on him. 

—Hey, maybe we should continue this later, you know? 

—Oh, but this is a matter I wanted to discuss at the headquarters. You said later then, and the present would classify. May I continue? 

—Sure. I'm curious. — Since Senshin agreed with her, I decided to give her my go as well. From the look on her face more complaints were incoming for him, but oh well, I tried giving him a break from that and he asked for more. 

—There, you did it again. Your head tilts almost completely when you're switching the subject of your focus. 

—It does? 

—It does. At any given point, it is rather easy to tell the center of your field of view is likely the thing you are focused on, like a straight line from the nose. Other than being a tell in some situations, that probably worsens the impressions others have of you, something that might have happened previously too. — I noticed that point too, and I found it sort of easy to figure out why he behaved like that, seeing how focused in training he claimed to be. The position of his head didn't just define the immediate focus of his view, but the reach of his peripheral one, so in serious situations it was best to keep it positioned in a way so as much as the scene you were a part of was observable as possible. I imagined this habit from training was something he brought over to other parts of life, as a result. 

—So it got in the way? How so? 

—While we were headed towards your table you eyed over most of our visible equipment, right? Judging by the situation, to a mage the nature of the gesture likely would have been obvious of course, but to a civilian it could just as easily looked like gawking. A childish gesture, one that might seem all the more so in a professional setting. You're still young enough so that likely could have been forgiven, though seemingly breaking composure in front of any person you might consider attractive is not the best first impression to push on. Even if the people who talked to you before realized you were just looking at their gear, they might still consider what this would look like to a civilian you might need to talk to during work, if suddenly an item with them caught your eyes. 

—I see. You don't do it, then? 

—I do, just not while others are paying attention to my line of sight. If this unit's formation continues, leave that sort of thing for me from now on, yes? 

—Sure. I'll keep this in mind. If similar situations happen later on, know that I have a lot of control over this kind of impulse. — He said in the same tone as ever. I felt this might have been an opening to another question that might help at this point. 

—That's fine as far as work is concerned, but being too controlled is no fun, you know. Letting loose is at least half the fun of sex. Try to stay too calm, and things might get boring for everyone involved. Keep that in mind, right? You're both still young. — I put some emphasis on those final words. Let's just say the words "I am still young" might have shared a special meaning between me and Chiaisei at that point. I didn't get exactly why, but reminding her of this tended to cause a reaction, and to me it seemed harmless enough to tease her about it. 

—Don't elaborate on that with other people around, please. — This time, the pleading nature of her whisper was enough to stop me before anything else could be asked, though.

—I'll keep it in mind, if it gets to that. I've never actively sought out sex, though, and don't plan on starting this just now. — Senshin said, apparently unaware of the exchange happening between me and Chiaisei just then. 

—Really… Something else you've been ignoring in order to train more? — Hearing him got me curious, and while trying to arrive at his reasoning, I asked as much. 

—Sort of. It's not like I plan on avoiding it forever, or anything. Both in my path and that of union, the idea of sex and love seem to be thought highly of. Lady Zeymalteul wouldn't identify herself as the Love Star, otherwise. — Hearing him, I couldn't help but think to myself "Probably because you're followers of the woman who invented pornography, preservatives and popularized orgies, among other things", but decided against pointing this out. There was no way someone trying to become a follower of Kalfisnar wouldn't be aware of her tendencies, right? 

—Still, as little time as getting to know this side of life might take, I don't believe it would be wise to give it any priority as of now. Ever since I was told I couldn't be accepted as a normal apprentice to our path, I dedicated little thought to anything but training or my faults so far, and decided that using the energy I had to pursue sexual urges might be unproductive. Especially so if those might spark my interest in seeking more of them. — As we continued hearing him out, some question marks started taking shape in my head towards something he was implying. 

—Hold up. You never had sex before, then? — I decided to ask just to make sure, to which he nodded. 

"Oh, seriously? Two in a roll as well. And they're both mages too. Odd. How in the abyss did he avoid sex for so long when he is basically living in a temple of liberty too?" I didn't know many people who had reached 17 without ever fucking before, especially if we're talking about spellcasters. Chiaisei was the first mage I met who fit that group too, so I wasn't expecting to hear from another in the same week. In her case at least it was easier to understand, based on what I knew. I didn't hear the whole story by that point, but she had a lonely life. It's probably harder to think about going physical with others when you're barely aware of what a friendship is normally like. In Senshin's case, though? I was straight up confused. Like, he gave his motivation and all, yet it didn't sound like he was disinterested or nervous at the prospect or anything, just that he had been avoiding this issue for the sake of his others. But that's the thing. 

How? Unless you're a kid, and are therefore protected from the sights, stumbling onto an orgy or just simple sex at a Temple of Liberty doesn't sound that unlikely. That, or some of the more erotic pieces of art created by lady Kalfisnar*. If a room isn't seeing public use, it is always open for group sex in those temples, and so long as you don't block a hallway almost everywhere is a free zone as well. Even if the temple had the mechanisms to keep this stuff hidden (Through the same illusion spells they use to keep children into stumbling into fucking every other minute**.), this didn't necessarily change the knowledge that sex could be happening anywhere at any time. Not the kind of thought I would find easy to handle if I was trying to avoid sex, especially so if I was inexperienced. Honestly, it might even be better to keep things visible in my case. Imagination is power. The only reason temples of liberty functioned was that everyone inside them was already completely desensitized to the public sex thing by that point due to excessive experience. The idea of avoiding sexual thoughts in one of them sounded about as mangeable as jumping into an ocean while trying not to get wet. 

(*First time I saw this sort of work from Kalfisnar in the temples, it was a painting of Lady Saeynomalia getting her butthole penned by an ogre while she sat on his lap with her legs spread as her feet and one of her supported her position on top of her partner's knees, covering part of her face with the remaining hand over the difficult yet delightful labor the fulfilled. Likely these pictures attempt to respect the tradition of never showing one of the Greater Ones in art publicly available, as the rest of her head was reclined back in a way most else that was visible were her ears and hair, with the variance of color one might expect of a powerful earth elf. The intensity of the sex appeared to cause some of her power marks to take shape, and to glow slightly. And though aspects of the Lady's fluid movement seemed to have been captured in that frame, the subject experiencing the insides of her anus was too tall to have his head within it. Though his coloring and the marks visible in parts of his torso suggested he is an Mountain Agent Ogre, likely native to the ogre lands north of Gujimatsuki or close to the dwarven mountains north of Galecirnan, and bellow it the subtitle: "The heart, mind and soul of our land's Soul of Harmony is open and accepting of any. As is her anus."-

-An unforgettable ass, marked by the fact that the angle from which she was represented allowed the viewer to catch a glimpse of the Lady's butt as she reached the top of her arc while in movement, despite the shot mainly being taken to the front of her, as a result of how low the perspective of the camera or painter was. This was made the more striking by the fact her ass was containing a dick around the size of the arm of the woman pounding on it, though I was unsure whether that was a picture or a painting with just a single viewing. It also demonstrated our Lady Kalfisnar's taste for satirizing common sayings about her kind in an erotic manner, a tendency for which she is known while portraying her kind sexually, since the day she first showed the world the undressed versions of the welcoming statues. Many of which appeared to portray the Greater Aspect subjected in it preparing herself for sex, like how in instead of a sword, in hers, Lady Melynaris was wielding a toy of massive proportions in her vagina. Overall it's hard not to appreciate the taste of our Soul of Freedom for this kind of thing, as confused and unsurprised I was upon first confronting the lack of restriction this Lady has towards what can be represented in art or not.) 

(**Those temples are filled to the brim with rooms that are invisible and inaccessible to normal sightseers. Once you've been initiated to the normal life of a Temple of Liberty though, you can also pick and choose how many of the sights you want to be visible at any given time however.) 

—Really… Sounds like tough work. I wasn't like this when I was your age, at least. How do you go about it? — He seemed a bit confused about my choice of words. When asked why, he simply said I was making it sound like I was way older than I really was, seeing as I had two years on these two, but I ignored that point while he continued talking. 

—If I grew interested someone, I would use meditation to keep my focus while in contact and try to avoid them, until the feeling was silenced. If at any point I felt it would be hard to stay composed around something or someone, regardless of the motive, I would figure out ways to avoid contact of any kind. If anything drew curiosity outside of my current goal, I would continuously renew my focus on the task until the whim subsited. It's not a practice I wish to hold on to forever, but it should be enough to silence any distraction while I remain diverted from my path. 

—My, you saying it like that makes it sound easy. And I am strangely glad to differ this time. — Chiaisei said quietly, and though I kind of listened, I was concentrating on something else too hard to register the words in depth. 

"Oh damn. That's likely to backfire, huh? Should I really be the one to give him this lesson, though?" Let's say, I had some experience with similar attitudes. Not the positive kind, to say the least. Which was why it was kind of hard to decide if I should be the one to try to explain this. "If he follows my example too closely, it will backfire for sure, I can say that much with confidence. Ah, well. Warning or not, with this kind of feeling it likely won't be that bad of an experience. Might as well talk, then." 

—Ok… But how long do you plan to keep that act up? 

—I wouldn't know. Why do you ask? 

—How do I put this… The things you feel aren't really erased when you do this. You're just putting a cap on them and storing them out of sight. There is a time limit for this kind of thing, you know? 

—There is? How would you know? 

—Because people are pretty consistent, in some ways. And it sounds less like you're resolving your interest in these things and people but just penting it all up, so far. It doesn't really matter what it is, when our minds decide to pent up too much of anything, the rest of the body will try to protest against it someway, you see? 

—Not quite. How are these things separated in your logic, firstly? — He asked, some confusion visible in his expression. I found it refreshing to talk to someone even though I could understand all the time like him from time to time. 

—Have you ever consciously chosen to feel hunger? 

—No. 

—Of course, nobody does. The same thing applies to feelings. Be it joy, fear, anger, sadness or whatever… The need to eat, drink, breath and shit are also part of that, though obviously that part of the equation is even less consentual for living beings. We don't have control over any of that, and overall sexual impulse kinda falls weirdly between both categories, as something connected to feelings but still sort of tied to survival. Even if in this case it's more about the species, not the person. Then again, almost every feeling in some way or another is meant to instruct us on how to better survive. Like with almost any animal, whatever we feel like doing when we feel something can pretty accurately be interpreted as a suggestion from our brain itself, even if we have some autonomy to determine how to act before them. — While talking, I would pay attention to how my two companions had been processing the little lesson in a topic I wasn't specialized in. 

Occasionally looking at them while speaking, I noticed Senshin seemed more than a little surprised by my sudden lecture. I guess he wasn't expecting me to be the kind to sound smart, even if it only happens twice a week at most normally. Though judging by the fact Chiaisei wasn't as surprised I imagined this meant this rarely vocal part of me had already been made somewhat clear to her, likely since I was more or less her instructor up to a day from then. And I mean, considering there haven't been many occasions of me acting clever so far, it likely surprised some of you reading this as well, right? Can't blame you, I forget I'm kinda smart all the time as well. 

—You can distract yourself from the cause of these suggestions, but the structure that sparked them isn't something that just quiets down. And while I wouldn't say it is malicious or anything of the sort, it recalls each and every time you shut it down, penting up whatever it is you've been frustrating in order to train more. As these things pile up ignored, the drive behind them starts to grow. Maybe because they accumulate. Or maybe because the brain understands normal suggestions won't pass. Haven't studied this in enough detail to make any concrete declaration. Point is, if you're simply ignoring these things instead of processing them completely, you will eventually hit a limit. That's when the problems start. Regardless of what philosophy may say, as far as the brain is concerned we are a tool for it, in the end, forged to best respond to the world as we've been born in. Whether the tool can bend the smith is beyond the point, but if the forge grows upset at how we interact with it, some backlash is inevitable. — I said. "Oh, nice one, brain". Did you like the metaphor? Because Ima be honest with you, I don't land those frequently, especially not while talking casually. Guess the teacher-act took over my head for a moment there, huh? 

—Maybe, but you said it yourself that you haven't studied the topic in depth. I appreciate the advice, but how will I know if it's accurate? — Senshin asked, which was fair enough. I couldn't say with confidence I was right about anything I said either way, proud of the metaphor or not. 

—You can't, and I can't either. Just speaking from experience. I've seen plenty of people who are far more in touch with this side of things than either of us showing pains from similar issues. If I'm right, the next encounter to trigger some kind of interest, as you said, may be way more intense than the previous ones, but it's not like we'll be able to know that any time soon. If we do, though, keep this in mind when deciding how to deal with it. — Saying so, I recalled some of my memories regarding these people. As I did, I felt the effects of my mind pushing itself through acceleration again, as once more my steps began feeling slower.

"Yup, me included, pretty much everyone at the gang was showing some sign relating to this, isn't that right you idiot? Clars always had the tendency to explode on us occasionally, but those got more and more frequent with time. Seeing her break down in tears also became more common past a certain point. The boys slowly grew from competing in athletics, casual arguments or practice to counting scores and asking for our opinions during battle, and outside of it the friendly scuffles would devolve into full blown fist fights all the more often by each week. Lost count of how many times I needed to heal that kind of injury. They've shattered their knuckles on each other a few times during this shit as well, haven't they? Why did they fight with hardening on but no might behind their magic? Even Falmin was getting tired of all the bullshit. She didn't show the cracks frequently, though it's clear going through that routine every week or so was getting to her head. She was also losing sleep over it, I can say that at least. Even on the animal side of the unit things were getting more tumultuous. Mili would have far more arguments with Falmin than normal, and as patient each of them are, the companions were starting to get worried by that point. Even our friendly shrubs were starting to get stressed through it all. All because of some useless idiot that can't even realize the shit she is pushing her friends through." 

In this case, the pacing at which my thoughts accelerated was much faster than it was at the guild. They reached maximum capacity almost as quickly as when I would be preparing myself for battle. To the point, it felt less like a consistent string of thoughts and more like I had been hearing multiple points at once, like if I was at the center of a room hearing the voices, echoes and reverberation of a few tens of people all at once. Mixed with some of my memories, I'm not sure if I can paint a coherent picture of what all of those thoughts were like, or at least register everything that passed through my mind. It's the funny thing about how our minds adapt to the kinds of magic we practice. 

As a specialist in Thalgignir, multitasking sort of came as second nature by then. Attacking foes from multiple angles all at once, seeing the battlefield or an area we were exploring from various points, or being able to plan out traps on opponents that weren't even on my main field of view. Over time, it felt like my brain grew especially good at analyzing things from as many perspectives as possible. As a result, when my head started acting up at its most intense, this feeling of my complaints and regret flooding over me from as many different points as possible kinda became frequent, while I grew all the more used to suddenly having to face the echoes of my mistakes to the point I almost grew used to imagining them getting louder, each time the thoughts would reverb on each other. 

It wasn't difficult to see the necessary patterns in that deluge of memories, curses and information, though. I was always around when the fighting started. Regardless of who started acting out, it was always somehow connected to my attempts at mediating between everyone else. Or rather, the few times it happened when I wasn't around, it was far less intense, based on what I heard. Like my presence only ever made things worse. When I first noticed those signs, I figured it might be a coincidence. But the months continued passing. More and more evidence, making it all the harder to deny the obvious facts. Still, I kept trying to hold things together, answering them with the same happy go lucky attitude you might already have gotten some hints of. My cracks weren't that hard to see through, especially since I had started getting trouble going to sleep after realizing I couldn't very well lie about my dreams when we all shared the same room. 

After a certain point, I started freaking out a little during the fights or the start of arguments. Ironically, when I started losing my head I was far better at stopping them from proceeding, since it would divert everybody's attention to comforting the sobbing child. During work, I was also getting a bit more violent than usual, as a result. Not to the point the guild would need to threaten a temporary suspension, but I had killed a few people we were supposed to apprehend on that period, or hurt them far more than needed. Not out of need either, simply because I couldn't bring myself to hold back the power behind my spells that well while things were truly starting to fall apart. That was what led the association to recommend I take a break from work, and in response I asked to be temporarily split apart from my unit, which then led to me working a period as an aid for the city front and eventually led me to Chiaisei. Even if I wasn't being brought to the field, I still would remain a source of issues for the rest if I stuck around, after all. 

""I'll find the needed answers, I'm sure." Bullshit. 49 days and I haven't taken a single step. If anything, I might even have ended up creating more issues for the rest. Not that surprising, I'm useless. I can barely even think about the situation without returning to panic mode. The years of relying on others to think for me have caught up hard. And in the end, I'll probably end up needing to rely on someone else to fix this mess, won't I? Of course, that's what being useless means. If it will be Falminoria, Galmindris or this third elf, who knows, but judging by how pleased I was with meeting another one of them, maybe the plan is to go back to my roots! Then again, sisters hate giving straight answers as a whole, don't they? Shit. There goes the grown child's plan! Go figure, it barely lasted. All I've ever been good at is hurting others, isn't it? Be it in fighting, or creating messes I can't fix myself. Maybe it was about time I dealt with the consequences of that directly. Hopefully I won't succeed in messing up the lives of these three in the time we spend together. Honestly, what in the actual abyss was the association thinking when giving me a teaching job?" 

—Hey! Fasnilthar? Answer me, please! — After spending some more time hearing those thoughts, I ended up getting dragged to our surroundings again while hearing my name being called, as well as one of my arms being shaken. I started feeling those things while still within the echo chamber, so I ignored them for a moment or two, yet eventually the shaking and shouting got loud enough to recover my attention. Had no clue how much real world time I spent drifting out, even if I kept on walking, though clearly long enough to get those two worried about me. Even got to hear a rare occasion where Chiaisei raised the tone of her voice. 

—Oh. Sorry to worry you. Got lost in thought for a moment. 

—Seems you did. Your external behavior was somewhat odd as well. Were you activating your magical cognition? — Senshin pointed that out, after I gave them my answer. 

"This session of self depreciation probably lasted some seconds, then. At least it doesn't seem like I started a scene among the civvies around. Having a mage melt down in public probably could feel scary to some of them." I figured while glancing around the scene. The three of us had stopped moving for a few seconds, after Chiaisei dragged me back to reality, but in order not to risk causing any alarm, I suggested we continue walking before answering. Didn't know for how long the topic stopped, but it didn't seem like much had been said while I was having that little freak out. 

—Yeah. I do that sometimes. Helps figure out stuff at a faster pace. 

—Serious things then? 

—Pretty much. Doesn't matter how good you are at keeping up a smile, life isn't always cooperating, right? Dealing with this kind of stuff comes with time. 

"Maybe someday I could see myself sharing these things with these two. Not much of a point on doing it now, though. They both might be in even harder need for advice than me, and as bad at this kind of thing as I can be, dumping my issues in my juniors might be too much even for this idiot." Sharing weight and mutual support is important and all, but there are right situations for that. If I couldn't count on revealing the situation in detail to help, all I would end up doing was burden those two (or more accurately three seeing as Finarkzir probably was listening in on the scene through Chiaisei) with worry over a friend's state, as well as my stability if we headed back into work together. 

—Again, you're just two years older than us. Not sure if that's a big advantage. 

—Every year out into the real world counts, Senshin. And I had experience with work before joining the guild too*. Anyways, we should be arriving soon, so… 

—Hold it. Can you at least tell us the cause of your drifting off? — As Senshin continued pressing the issue, I wondered if just giving him some vague, simplified version of the story might be good enough. While pondering how I could do that, I also simply considered if even doing that might still be a negative experience for all of us, in the end. "Senshin has no idea what he is asking for, does he?" 

—Senshinzako, that's enough, you fool of a boy. Discussing this kind of matter requires time. Leave it for later. Much later, in this case. — Before I could decide if I even wanted to answer, though, Chiaisei decided for us. It looked like Senshin might contest her decision for a moment there, but the glare she was directing at him kept him quiet. 

(*Since I was the ace of combat practice through my years at the academy - by a very large margin, even - at some point I was asked to work as the assistant for that kind of class. The rest of my teachers also picked up on that, so I was typically the chosen girl when a student was needed to assist one of them directly. I even got some money out of this at that time. I imagine that, combined with other stints I had as an instructing assistant, was part of the reason the guild offered me the job with Chiaisei in the first place. I was also someone's research assistant for quite a while, but that is a more complicated story that will be left for much later!) 

—I hope this meeting will go well. Having someone older around probably will help with this situation. — Chiaisei whispered. I wasn't sure if she wanted either of us to listen to this, or to answer it either, so seeing as Senshin didn't appear to have heard, I decided to let that go, if she didn't want to force it into a topic herself. 

From then, we spent a minute or two in silence, while still heading to our goal. I wasn't sure what to ask Senshin after that diversion to the interview, and Chiaisei appeared to be occupied with communicating with her companion for some time. The connection between them was constant, so neither really needed to concentrate in order to send their thoughts to each other, and both had a constant hint towards what the other was feeling. They still needed some focus to share their perception though, and when Chiaisei was having a chat with Finarkzir it looked like she preferred to have both more in tune with the other's location and situation. As a result, I had been pretty reliable at guessing when those two were having longer talks. I imagined this might have to do with the spacing out I did just then, or with the proceeding of that day's meetings. Still, this kind of contributed to keeping the group quiet for the rest of that walk, even if it wasn't long until we could spot our destination. 

(*There were two main ones that made this easy to spot. The first, is that Chiaisei will usually partially turn her head and gaze towards the direction Finarkzir is at when they are speaking directly like that. There is also a hint of magical essence around her eyes and ears when she does this, likely since she is using her spell to share her hearing and sight with Finarkzir. The other sign is the fact that when she is doing this while we are walking, Chiaisei will usually either grab ahold of one of my arms or hands. Probably to keep herself from stumbling while her senses are split between two different spots.)