50. Chapter 50

It’s the holiday season and Carina is thinking about Andrew. She gets sentimental thinking about things from when they were kids. She decides now is the time to go through some of his things. She finds stuff from his high school in Madison, Wisconsin. She looks through his senior yearbook, he was in drama and soccer. His senior picture is of him standing next to the trunk of a big tree with his letterman jacket thrown over his shoulder with one hand; the other hand tucked in his pants pocket casually. Carina knows he’s supposed to look cool, but she just sees a massive dork.

Maya comes into the guest bedroom to find Carina sitting on the floor. “Watcha doing?”

Carina takes a deep breath. She runs a finger over his photo. “Look.”

Maya puts her hand at the base of Carinas neck, rubbing against it for a moment, before leaning over her shoulder to look. “Is that him?” She chuckles. “Look at his hair. It’s so fluffy and big.”

“Si.” Carina thinks back to that time. “He said the girls all loved it. That they wanted to run their fingers through it.”

Maya sits down on the bed, next to Carina’s right shoulder. She runs her hand over the back of Carina’s head, her hair. “I will say you DeLuca siblings do have amazing thick heads of hair.” Maya tangles her fingers in Carina’s hair.

Carina sighs, tipping her head back. She looks back at Maya with a soft smile. “Grazie mille, bella.”

“You just looking through some of his stuff?”

“Yeah.” Carina nods.

“You okay?” Maya scratches at Carina scalp lightly. Carina leans into Maya’s hand for comfort.

“I am. And thank you for checking. Will you sit with me though?” While Carina does feel okay. She also feels unease and the extra support from Maya would be great right now.

Maya doesn’t say anything just moves to the floor wrapping her arm around Carina, holding her against her side. She presses a kiss to Carina’s temple. “I love you.” She whispers. “Show me what Andrew was up to in high school.”

They spend the better part of thirty minutes going through his yearbook before Carina pulls a black mortarboard hat from a cap and gown from the box.

His college graduation cap. “I was there for that day. Papa and I flew in from Italy the night before. Papa was so proud. He was absolutely beaming. He loved Andrea so much.” Carina holds the cap to her chest. Their father always seemed to favor Andrea. She graduated from college too and her father didn’t put in nearly as much effort for her. “He threw Andrea a whole big party. Or he paid for it. I think mamma still had to organize everything.”

“I’m sure he’s proud of you too.” Maya tips her head so that it rests against the side of Carina’s.

“Not in the same way.” Carina tells Maya somberly. She’s grown accustomed to the way her father treats her verses how he treated Andrea. Andrea was his golden child. Carina isn’t sure why that is. Andrea was the second born. She always wondered if the first born wasn’t good enough to be the golden child. Was he harder on Carina because she was the first born? Did she not live up to Vincenzo’s expectations, so he moved on to Andrea? Carina will likely never know, but she tries not to dwell on it too much anymore.

“Well, I’m proud of you.” Maya squeezes Carina tighter to her side for a moment before loosening her grip. “You amaze me. What you do at work is amazing. I’m super proud to tell people that my wife is an amazing doctor. Who keeps mommies and babies healthy in utero. Who does surgeries. Who helps women with their reproductive health. Who advises on cases. Who handles delicate situations everyday. Who has overcome so much crap in her life and come out stronger, wiser, and more beautiful than ever. Who holds down a crazily active wife at home. Who loves her people with everything she’s got. Who cares about everyone. Who just wants to help and nurture. You’re amazing and wonderful and special and great and also a total sex goddess in the bedroom.”

“Enough, bella.” She blushes a little and Carina hardly ever feels embarrassed enough to blush.

Maya kisses her cheek. “I decide when you get enough praise.”

They both chuckle.

“Maybe if we had grown up together things would be different now.” Carina can’t help but think how her and Andrea’s lives would’ve been if they weren’t split up. “Those teenage years were hard for me.”

Maya nods. They’ve talked about this before and how most of the time when she was a teenage, Carina was looking after her father, or working at the local shop for a little bit of money. On top of housework and schoolwork.

“Bella?”

Maya hums, still thinking about a teenage version of Carina.

“I want to tell you something.” There is a little waver in Carina’s voice. Maya doesn’t miss it.

“Okay.” Maya says with furrowed brow. Carina can tell her anything. She doesn’t have to ask or say she’s going to tell her, so she thinks maybe there is something ‘different’ about Andrew that Carina hasn’t brought up yet. Maya didn’t know him that well and she didn’t get a chance to know him more. She’ll always be a little sad about that. She knows he had his struggles, we all do, but for the most part he was a good guy who cared about the well-being of others. Like his sister. He died saving kids from human trafficking. If that’s not a good person, Maya doesn’t know what is.

“I was fifteen almost sixteen.” Carina has to swallow down the lump in her throat.

Maya nods. “Okay.” She’s not sure why that’s important, but she listens on.

“It was fall. The end of beach season. I would go with my friends every chance I got. To the beach.”

Maya listens intently. Still not sure what Carina’s friends or the beach have to do with Andrew. It does dawn on her though that maybe this is Andrew unrelated the more that Carina talks.

“I had a small job, but I loved spending all my free time at the beach. Until I didn’t.” Carina sounds somber.

“Spend time at the beach?”

“Didn’t enjoy it.” Carina clarifies.

“Why?”

Carina puts the cap back in the box. She scared to bring this up. She doesn’t want Maya’s opinion or view of her to change. She doesn’t want their relationship to change because of what she’s about to say. She knows it could. And she knows it could change in a devastating way. Carina doesn’t think Maya will cut and run, but people in her life have always cut and run in the past. She thinks if there’s anything that could make Maya, it might be this. That’s why she’s so scared. That’s why she hasn’t told Maya. She turns to Maya, taking one of her hands. She holds that hand in both of hers. She needs it for strength. She needs it for comfort. She needs it for a distraction, so she doesn’t have to look at Maya’s face and see her reaction.

“Please don’t be mad at me.” Carina whispers.

“Why would I be mad at you?” Maya has no idea what is happening right now. Carina seems distant. It feels like she’s pulling away from her, even though Carina is holding onto her hand. And the sad of her voice is cold and haunting. It all causes a chill to run through Maya. She recognizes that whatever is happening isn’t good. “I won’t be mad.”

Carina looks up and smiles sadly. “I was fifteen almost sixteen. I knew what sex was. I’d had sex before. I was at the beach with my friends. It was a beautiful day, I remember.” She sighs looking back down at Maya’s hand in her lap. “I was fifteen almost sixteen.” She repeats.

“Carina?”

“No.” She shakes her head, not letting Maya interrupt. “I was fifteen almost sixteen. We met this guy at the beach a few days before. He seemed nice. Older. He was funny. There wasn’t anything nefarious about him. We’d seen him around the beach before, but he hadn’t approached our group of friends until that week. He bought us alcohol.” Carina knows that’s where things started to go sideways that day.

“Drunk teenagers?” Maya tries to joke. She knows it inappropriate, but she doesn’t know what else to do or say. She doesn’t know where this story is going, but she’s starting to get a sick feeling in her stomach. And Carina’s grips on her hand continues to strengthen.

“Pretty much. We were young and inexperienced and stupid, and he took advantage of that.” Carina shakes her head. “I don’t- I don’t remember- I think really, I’ve blocked it out- but I went to use the restroom. He followed me. I went to close the stall door and he smashed it open.”

“Carina.” Maya wants Carina to stop, to stop talking. She doesn’t want to hear this. She doesn’t know if she can.

“I need to, bella.” Carina begs. “Please.” She looks up to find Maya with sad, tear-filled eyes.

Maya shakes her head. “I don’t know if I can-“

Carina hangs her head with a sigh. “Okay.” She whispers and let’s go of Maya’s hand, putting her hands on the floor to push herself up to her feet. She stands and starts putting Andrew’s stuff back in the box.

Maya watches Carina move about next to her as she packs up the box and puts the cover on it. When Carina goes to pick the box up Maya reaches out, her hand around Carina’s wrist. Carina looks over at Maya, wrinkling her brow in confusion. She doesn’t understand way Maya is stopping her. “Let me put this stuff away and then I can make you dinner.”

Maya closes her eyes. “S-sit.”

“Dai, Maya.” Carina tries to move with the box again, but Maya’s grip on her wrist is firm.

“Sit.” Maya says firmly. She tries to get past her own uncomfortability, and own uneasiness, her own scared feelings. “Sit back down, Carina. I’ll listen. To it all.”

Carina contemplates the idea of sitting back on the floor in front of Maya and telling her about one of the worst days of her life. That day and the day her mamma died; the day her baby brother died. The three worst days. Carina doesn’t try to rank them. They are all the worst in their own ways.

“Please?” Maya whispers in her own pained voice.

Carina picks up the box and Maya lets her pull away this time. Maya hangs her head as Carina crosses the room and puts the box back in the closet. She expects Carina to move towards the door to go make dinner. She’s about to say that Carina doesn’t have to, that Carina shouldn’t have to cook for her, that she shouldn’t feel obligated to do that. But Carina pauses and Maya looks up and it’s almost as if Carina is moving in slow motion as she moves back over and sits down in front of Maya. This time she doesn’t take Maya’s hand. Carina sits and keeps her eyes focused on the space on the floor between them.

Maya moves to face Carina and not sit with her back to the side of the bed. She reaches out to take Carinas hands in hers, but Carina pulls her hands away, tucking them together in her lap. Maya frowns. “Carina.” She sighs. “I want- I want to- if you need- I don’t want you to think that I don’t care or that I’m trying to stop you from saying what you need to say.”

The Italian shakes her head. “We don’t have to do this. I just- I feel like I should’ve told you before now. That’s not fair for you. Like, you should have known before we got married. So that you could have that information and then decide if you still wanted to get married. Or like, I was lying to you, and I deceived you and tricked you into marriage.”

Maya scrunches up her face. That wasn’t what she was thinking or feeling at all, but now that Carina says it; this might have been good information to know earlier. But not for the reasons Carina is giving. Maya doesn’t know the details yet but she knows this information or conversation will be and is difficult for both of them. “You can tell me now. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know earlier because this is a difficult thing. It’s not something that you could just bring up out of the blue. I’m a bit curious about why right now though. Did something happen today?”

Carina shakes her head. “We were just talking about Andrea as a teenager, and I said that my teenage years were hard. This was a part of that.”

Maya hums. That clears that up. “Okay. Whenever you’re ready. I’ll wait.” She taps at Carina’s knee. “You don’t have to make me dinner. You know that, right? I know you like to cook and sometimes maybe I take advantage of that and don’t help out enough. But you don’t have to make me dinner. You said it like it was an obligation, a duty, that you had to perform. This isn’t 1950. You aren’t my housewife. If you don’t want to cook, that’s fine with me. I can do it, or we can order take out.”

Carina nods. “Okay.”

“I know we are still trying to work out how everything is going to work in our marriage, but don’t feel obligated to do something if I’m not doing it. Ask me to help or do it. We are partners, equals.” She needs Carina to know this. She needs her to hear it, to understand it. Maya knows she slacks a lot when it comes to cooking and making meals. For so long, she only had to worry about herself and cooking for one person is so difficult, so she mostly didn’t. But now there are two people who share meals in this household and Maya knows she needs to pick up the slack.

“Okay.” Carina nods again.

“Okay.” Maya takes a deep breath. “I just wanted to make that clear.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes. Maya wishes that Carina would let her hold her hands, but she knows she blew that opportunity earlier.

Carina wishes that this could just be over with, and she could deal with the aftermath. So far, Maya has remained fairly calm and levelheaded. She hasn’t run out of the room yet either, so Carina takes that as a positive.

“So he was- uh-“ She takes a deep breath. “In the stall with me. He forced the door closed and locked it. There wasn’t anywhere for me to go. I had been drinking, but I wasn’t out of it. I knew what was happening. I knew that I was in a bad situation. All I was wearing was a bikini. That probably didn’t help.” She fiddles with her hands in her lap. This isn’t easy to talk about. It wasn’t easy to go through. It isn’t easy to relive. It took years to get over after it happened. She tried therapy when she was in college; but that only helped to get it off her chest like she wasn’t carrying some big secret around anymore. Carina has always carried around a little bit of embarrassment involving the incident. She feels it again right now.

“There wasn’t anywhere to go. He had me cornered. Literally. And his hands seemed so big. He had one over my mouth so I wouldn’t scream; though I don’t know that I could if I tried. I was terrified. I just stood there frozen. I stood there. I didn’t try to fight him off. I didn’t try to scream or yell. I didn’t try to run away. I couldn’t for some reason. There’s that fight or flight instinct. I think mine is broken.” Carina sighs sadly.

Maya wraps her hand around Carina’s ankle. “You’re not broken.”

Carina nods. “He, um, he used his hand to uh-“ She shakes her head. “He assaulted me with his hand and fingers between my legs. After he knew I wasn’t going to scream, he removed his hand from my mouth and started grabbing at himself and groaning and moaning while he touched me.” Carina closes her eyes. “It was so gross and terrifying. After he uh- jerked off- he thanked me and left. I stood there for a long time. I was so mortified. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want it. I knew that much. But I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t push him away. I couldn’t run away. I was fifteen almost sixteen.”

Maya feels sick. Sick and full of rage. Sick to her stomach that someone violated Carina like that. Sick that she had to hear about it. Sick that someone would hurt and force something on Carina like that. It’s just sickening. Rage builds slowly inside her. She wants to find the guy and punch him in the throat and rip his nuts off.

She finds some words that aren’t those though. “You didn’t deserve for that to happen, Carina. I’m so sorry that it did happen. Did you go to the police?”

“And tell them what?” Carina looks up now, locking eyes with Maya.

Maya has never seen Carina looks so small and so scared. “That you were- sexually assaulted.” Maya whispers the last two words.

“They wouldn’t have believed me. I was a kid and I had been drinking and I didn’t even know who that guy was. I never saw him again after that either. Not that I went to the beach much after that though. I was too scared. I actually never told anyone that until now. Well, a therapist I saw seeing for a while, but you know what I mean. I didn’t tell anybody I know.” She picks at the material of her leggings.

Maya hums at that. There’s a certain honor and privilege she feels. It’s not information that someone should have to tell or hear, but she knows that Carina hasn’t trusted this information with anyone else. Only her. She’s the only one to ever hear it.

“I didn’t have sex after that for a long time. And at first, it was only with girls.” Carina says. “It messed me up for a long time. Still today sometimes I think I’m messed up by it. But I’m older now. I know better. I don’t hang around people I don’t know. I don’t get drunk around people I don’t know. I don’t put myself in vulnerable situation where I can be taken advantage of. I was never one to just hook up with somebody randomly that I didn’t know. There was always something I knew about the person or some level of familiarity. Even if it was just that we worked in the same professional or place.”

“What about me?” Maya wonders.

Carina can’t help but smile. “We didn’t sleep together right away. Not that first night.”

Maya smiles too. They didn’t. And Maya still thinks to this day that was maybe the best decision she’s ever made. They were friends, acquaintances before. They talked that night at the bar. They talked and texted in the days that followed. Both of them knowing that there was an attraction there but not rushing immediately into it. “No, but it wasn’t long after. I still could’ve been a psychopath or a serial rapists.” Maya raises an eyebrow.

“But you weren’t. I took a risk with you. But only because I knew you weren’t. I could feel you weren’t. Everything felt different with you anyway. The rules didn’t matter. We texted and we talked before we slept together. It wasn’t even a hook up situation.” Carina sighs out in relief.

Maya leans forward reaching for Carina’s hands. “Thank you for taking a risk. Thank you for sticking around. But more importantly, thank you for telling me all this tonight.” She runs her thumbs over Carina’s palms. “I’m sorry this happened to you. If I would’ve been there and known, I would’ve beat the shit out of that guy.”

Carina smiles at Maya’s valiant notions. “Violence isn’t the answer.”

Maya hums. “No. But I feel like in this situation it would be justified.”

Carina shakes her head. “How do you feel now?”

Maya scoffs. “I should be asking you that.”

“Well, I’ve lived with this knowledge for a long time and you are just finding out about it right now.” Carina makes her point.

Maya nods. “Fair. I feel like I could throw up. The thought of someone touching you, violating you like that makes me sick. It also makes me really angry. Cuz it’s not fair. You didn’t do anything.”

Carina nods lightly. “I wondered that for a long time. What did I do to deserve this?”

“Nothing.” Maya says loudly, too loudly. It startles Carina. “Sorry.” She lowers her voice. “Nothing. You did nothing. He was trying to take advantage of your whole group. You were just the unlucky one that had to use the restroom. It could have been anyone.”

Carina let’s out a long slow breath. It’s so good to hear someone else say it out loud, to validate the truth of the matter. Carina had come to that same conclusion, but she always doubted or second guessed it. Wondering if she put off a vibe to the guy or if her body was more developed then her friends and her bikini was showing off too much. There has always been doubt up until this minute. “Thank you, bambina. I don’t think I could’ve told anyone but you.”

“Your secrets safe with me. I will say though that it will take me a bit to wrap my head around it. I don’t want you to think that we can’t talk about it or that it always needs to be avoided from now on, but maybe we don’t talk about it for a few days.”

“So, you’re not going to run away or go hide in the other room and think about what you want to do next?” Carina can’t help but wonder. That would be Maya’s typical MO.

Maya shakes her head, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. “Should I?” She is second guessing her reaction. “Should I be more upset? What should I do?”

Carina shrugs. “I don’t know. I think I was just always afraid that if I told you that you would think differently of me or that you wouldn’t want to be married to me because I kept this from you. That’s why I didn’t tell you. When we fought before we got engaged and aired all sorts of issues this one popped into my head. I couldn’t say it then. We broke up. We almost nearly were over. Things were fragile for a while after that. I didn’t want this to be the thing that made you leave me.”

“Carina.” Maya sighs. “I would never. Especially not over something like this.” She gets up onto her knees and shuffles closer to Carina so she can wrap her arms sound her shoulders and hold her tightly. “I love you. All of you. Even this bad thing that happened to you when you were a teenager.”

“Fifteen almost sixteen.” Carina mumbles with the side of her face pressed into Maya’s boobs.

“Fifteen almost sixteen.” Maya repeats before kissing the top of Carina head. “I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Carinas let’s out a long sigh, relaxing against Maya, wrapping an arm loosely around her. “You are so amazing.”

Maya sits back on her haunches. She cradles Carina’s face in her hands. “You are the amazing one. I always knew you were strong with everything that you went through growing up and with your papa. And that was before I knew about this. You’re so much stronger and braver than I thought. I don’t know how you do it.”

“At one point I think I decided I didn’t want to let it defeat me. Or define me or whatever the saying is.” The brunette shrugs.

Maya nods. “So strong.” She rubs her thumbs over Carina’s cheek bones. “I love you and I appreciate you. And I’ll stand by you no matter what. No matter how many skeletons there are in your closet.”

Carina quirks an eyebrows and Maya chuckles a bit. “No matter how many secrets or not necessarily secrets, but untold truths that you have.”

Carina nods in understanding. This was her biggest secret that she had. “I’m glad I could finally tell you. I didn’t want it to come between us. I didn’t want to tell you for fear of your reaction.”

Maya pulls Carina’s into another hug. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that because of my past indiscretions that you feel like you can’t tell me things because of the way I could possibly react. I’m sorry, but Carina I’m working on that. That’s not me anymore. Or I’m trying to make sure that’s not me anymore.”

Carina knows that. It’s an old, if you can say anything between them is old, reaction. Maya has learned to cope to news or things she doesn’t want to hear in a better healthier ways. There are still days when Maya needs her space and Carina knows not to interrupt that now, but they communicate in much healthier ways now. Talking about things when it’s time, when the processing stage has finished. This is no different. Maya will take a few days to process and then want to talk about it again. She’ll have questions. They don’t use sex anymore to avoid talking about feelings. It’s not perfect or great all the time, but the communication is better and ever evolving.

They both know and understand that this conversation is over for now. They gather the rest of Andrew’s things that Carina was looking at.

“Is this because it’s Christmas time?” Maya looks at a photo of Andrew.

“Si, bella.”

“What was his favorite thing about Christmas?”

“The cookies. My nonna made the best biscotti. But Andrea liked all Christmas cookies. More American ones too. As much as he wanted to claim he was Italian through and through; I’ve never met a more American boy. He picked up all the American traditions and ways of life.”

“You can’t blame him for that.”

“Oh, I don’t. It’s just funny. He was the most Americanized Italian I’d ever seen.” Carina tilts her head to the side.

Maya wraps Carina up in a hug, just holding her. She wants to hold her and never let her go. Never let anything bad happen to her ever again. She wants to always protect her and be there for her. Even though she knows sometimes it’s hard to be present. Maya knows she can get wrapped up in things. Whether it’s work or something else. She can get hyper focused on that and sometimes not be as present as she should with Carina, at home. It’s something she knows she needs to balance out.