16. Chapter 16

Carina was especially despondent as Maya packed for her final trip to Castle Rock.

Maya understood her wife’s dark mood all too well.

The week ahead was going to be stressful. The Emergency Minor Guardianship order was to be filed on Monday. Carina also had an appointment with her gynecologist to set-up a plan for freezing her eggs. It was busy and important and Maya hated that she couldn’t be present when Carina needed her most.

She knew that all the documents could be signed electronically, but she wanted to sign her name in ink, to physically write Maya Bishop on a piece of paper that would help bring Jamie home.

Maya watched Carina putter around the kitchen, though her wife’s usual Sunday-morning frivolity was missing. They’d both had an uneasy sleep the night before.

Maya re-playing her argument with Andy.

Carina so attune to Maya that she stayed awake as Maya tossed and turned.

The two-hour drive ahead felt infinite and although Maya genuinely enjoyed her colleagues in Castle Rock, she wished she could stay home. She wished she had another day to spend with Jamie. Six days away was far too long.

“You going back to bed soon?” Maya loitered near the kitchen island, unsure how best to comfort her wife. Usually Carina was the one to calm her nerves, not the other way around.

Carina poured Maya’s coffee into a travel mug and handed it to her.

“Maybe. I’ll go see Jamie this afternoon,” she said, clearly tired. Clearly sad.

Maya set the mug down and took Carina in her arms, her fingers dragging over Carina’s silk-covered back.

“One more week, okay?” Maya leaned in, kissing Carina’s pout, trying not to find it cute. Even though it was ridiculously cute.

She was answered with a low grumble.

“I’m going to let Captain Dale know I need to have my phone on all week. Anything comes up? You call. With you, with Jamie…” Maya could hardly believe her own words. Mere weeks ago, the idea of interrupting her work day for a family matter was unthinkable.

Now, she couldn’t image being out of contact. Not with so much on the line.

“I am going to sue Chief Ross myself,” Carina said, resting both hands on Maya’s chest.

“Oh? For what?”

“Emotional distress.”

Maya kissed Carina’s forehead, still holding her close.

“Maybe I’ll send you a treat later?” She whispered, brushing her lips against Carina’s ear. She felt her wife shiver in her arms.

“A treat?”

“Mmmhmm.”

The hands on her chest pulled at the material of Maya’s t-shirt, forcing her closer.

“Emotional distress and loss of intimacy,” Carina added, which made Maya smirk.

“Next weekend. We’ll make up for all of this lost time. I promise.”

Carina took Maya’s face in her hands and pulled her into a kiss, a kiss that spoke of her sadness at their separation and her hope for Maya’s return.

It was a kiss that Maya carried with her as she left the apartment, as she climbed into her car, as she drove away from Seattle, away from her heart.

The next time they kissed, Maya would be able to stay.

The next time they kissed, it would mark the end of a difficult chapter and the beginning of whatever came next.

~*~

The days moved quickly.

Maya threw herself into work, eager for the distraction. She felt herself excelling, she felt like she was alive again after months of letting herself rot with anger.

There was hope now. And while she didn’t want to leave 19, the possibility no longer terrified her.

Perhaps it was the top of the mountain.

Perhaps it was the warmth of Carina’s body.

Her priorities had permanently shifted and with them, the darkness staining her life had gone too. She would never be without it, but she now understood that it didn’t have to be the only thing in front of her. That her ultimate goal did not have to be the clouds.

She’d reached them. She’d conquered them.

Her reward was Jamie.

Her reward was Carina.

When she closed her eyes, she could still picture Carina beneath her, she could still feel Carina’s body, and it took her breath away, the memory of that night, the night they’d decided to bring Jamie home. She wasn’t one for romance novels or romantic comedies. She barely believed in fate or destiny.

But they’d created something sacred together in that moment. Somehow in the joining of their bodies, in the promises they whispered, in the wet heat, they’d created a new life.

A new family.

It was the most profound experience of Maya’s existence and she carried it with her like a talisman, the memory as precious to her as her wedding ring.

Each day felt like a checkmark. Each day was one step closer to moving forward.

Each day was also stressful and overwhelming and Maya would return to her hotel room in a state of disbelief and exhaustion.

She’d signed so many legal documents. She’d agreed to let strangers explore her background, her finances, her medical history.

Her nightly calls with Carina usually ended with the two of them staring at each other, half-laughing, half-panicking. It was exhilarating. It was also discombobulating.

With two days left in Castle Rock, Maya found herself sad to say goodbye to her new squad-mates. They seemed genuinely sad to see her go too. They asked after Carina, they were ecstatic to hear about Jamie. Maya knew without a doubt that each and every one would crawl through hell for her. And they’d only known her for three weeks.

As she was about to leave the station, she heard Captain Dale call out her name from behind the closed door of her office. Maya raised one eyebrow in surprise, but then peeked her head in, finding the Captain seated at her desk, nursing a cup of coffee.

“Take a seat, Bishop,” Dale said, gesturing towards a chair.

Maya sat down, unsure what to expect.

“You’re an exceptional firefighter, Bishop. I’m sorry to see you go. If you ever want a more permanent position here, all you need to do is ask,” Captain Dale smiled, leaning back in her seat.

“Thank you, Captain, that means a lot. But my wife…”

“Of course. A world-renowned OB/Gyn needs a world-renowned healthcare facility.”

Maya was warmed that Captain Dale had obviously looked up Carina online. Though she blushed only slightly upon realizing that much of her wife’s renown was due to her oxytocin study.

“You have an incredible team here,” Maya said, feeling like she was speaking with an equal. Someone who respected her, someone who saw her skill.

Captain Dale nodded. “I have to say, Bishop, I wasn’t sure what to expect when you arrived. Chief Ross…”

“Chief Ross warned you that I was insubordinate?” Maya guessed.

The Captain stayed quiet, but the twinkle in her eye let Maya know that she’d guessed well. For a moment Maya considered defending herself, explaining the situation. But she paused, realizing that she trusted Captain Dale. That Captain Dale was on her side.

“Captain, if I could ask your advice?” Maya asked.

“Ask away.”

“I’m planning to file a formal complaint against Chief Ross next week about my hearing. Or…my lack of a hearing. It’s likely going to cause disruption for my station, it could lead to people losing their jobs. It could lead to me losing my job. And while I know I have a case and I know I have a right to do this, do you think I should?”

Dale considered Maya with an unreadable expression on her face and Maya was nervous that she’d read the captain wrong. That maybe she wasn’t as amiable as Maya initially thought.

“Natasha Ross is a formidable woman,” Dale finally said, “but so are you. From what I’ve heard, your demotion was based on questionable evidence and there was no formal hearing. So, yes, I think you’re doing the right thing. Not just for you, but for the SFD. This kind of thing sets a precedent.”

Maya nodded, deep in thought.

“What does that wife of yours think?” Dale smiled as she mentioned Carina.

“She’s with me every step of the way. The timing is terrible, we’re in the process of adopting a baby, but Carina…Carina is the strongest person I know. It was her suggestion to take action in the first place.”

“Jamie, right?” Dale’s smile grew and Maya found herself grinning too.

“Jamie,” Maya said the name as if it was oxygen, as if the sound alone could heal.

“Then you fight, Bishop. You fight for yourself. But you fight for your family first and foremost.”

Dale stood up, extending her arm towards Maya, who rose from her chair. They shook hands, both beaming at each other, and Maya was about to express her gratitude again when her phone starting vibrating in her pocket.

She checked the caller ID and saw Carina’s name.

“Sorry, Captain, it’s my wife,” she said, already clicking accept. Dale nodded, understanding.

Maya turned around before speaking. “Carina?”

“Maya, it’s Jamie.” Carina’s voice was unsteady, as if she was holding back tears.

Maya felt cold fear spread through her veins. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“She needs surgery, Bambina. Tonight.”

~*~

Carina stood next to Nancy in the NICU trying desperately not to scream.

She kept both hands on Jamie, one on her head, the other on her belly, as if touching the baby alone could keep her safe. Jamie shivered and blinked her eyes heavily. She was lethargic, her breathing rapid, and her hands and feet were freezing cold. Carina’s heart was shattered.

“I’ve called in a favour,” Cormac was saying, but Carina could barely concentrate. Her mind was racing, her thoughts scattered, as she found herself alone in an impossible situation.

Don’t take her from me too. Don’t take her from me…

“It’s just our luck that Dr. Montgomery is flying into Seattle tonight. She should arrive within the hour…”

Cormac’s lilting voice penetrated Carina’s panic and she latched onto the name. Dr. Montgomery.

“Addison Montgomery?” Carina asked, trying to keep as calm as possible lest Jamie sense her fear.

Cormac nodded. “Only the best neonatal surgeon in the country for our Jamie.”

“And the surgery is necessary?” Nancy stepped up beside Carina, a file in her hand.

“Yes. Jamie’s condition is deteriorating. Without surgery…”

“Without surgery she’ll die,” Carina said, sharper than intended.

The guardianship order was still processing. They were mere days away from its completion, but in the meantime, the state of Washington was in charge of all medical decisions relating to Jamie. Carina could only pray that Nancy was reasonable.

“Dr. DeLuca,” Nancy turned towards Carina, “I know this situation is highly unusual, but I will follow your lead here.”

Carina exhaled in relief. “You said Dr. Montgomery would be here in the next hour?”

“Her flight lands in thirty minutes,” Cormac explained.

“Okay. I want to see her as soon as possible.”

“Of course, Carina. Take some time now – we won’t start prepping her until Dr. Montgomery is ready to go.” Cormac set a comforting hand on Carina’s shoulder and she had to actively stop herself from shrugging it off.

Too soft, why was everyone always too soft?

Nancy seemed to sense Carina’s angst and walked away with Cormac, giving Carina space.

She lifted Jamie from her cot, her resolve breaking when she realized that the baby was sniffling, her cheeks damp with tears.

“No, no, Tesoro, none of that now,” Carina cooed, sitting down with Jamie safely cradled in her arms.

Jamie gasped for breath, her little heart beating far too quickly.

“You are going to have a nice sleep and when you wake up, I will be here. Do you remember what Maya told you? You are safe, picolla amore, you are safe.”

Carina raised her legs, tucking them close to her chest, creating a tiny cocoon that was just her and Jamie. She wanted to keep the baby warm, but mostly she wanted Jamie as close as possible.

She knew the surgery was necessary. She also knew that Addison Montgomery could perform a PAD closure in her sleep.

But her baby was about to be taken to the OR. She was about to be placed under general anesthesia. A scalpel was about to…

Carina tried to memorize Jamie’s face. Her button nose and little cleft chin. Her wide blue eyes. Her barely there eyebrows and the wispy, light brown hair on top of her head. She studied Jamie’s hands and the perfect curve of her fingernails.

Her nonna’s voice echoed in her mind, that warm, chiding voice.

Dì le tue preghiera, Carina

Say your prayers…

Carina squeezed her eyes shut and willed it away. She’d prayed for Andrea. She’d lit candles. And he had been taken from her. Just as her mother had been taken from her. Instead, she found herself aching for her brother, for her mamma…

Please, mamma, don’t take her, don’t take her from me, mamma…

She was so caught up in her thoughts that at first she didn’t hear the loud footsteps outside the NICU. It was only when she registered that someone was running that she looked up and for the second time in as many weeks, Maya appeared out of nowhere, standing in the doorway, out of breath, still in uniform, and clearly afraid.

The sight of her alone cracked whatever courage Carina had left. She let herself cry for the first time in hours, she let tears stream down her face because she knew Maya would dry them.

“Maya?” She called out, extending her hand.

Maya was at her side, crouching down, her hand settling on Carina’s back.

“I’m here,” Maya said, “what’s happening? Wha…”

“They’re taking her soon. We’re just waiting on the surgeon.”

“Dr. Hayes?”

“No,” Carina shook her head, “Addison Montgomery. She’s probably the best in the world.”

Maya nodded to herself. “Good. That’s good, right?”

“How did you get here?” Carina tilted her head towards Maya and Maya reacted immediately, pressing a kiss to her temple.

“As soon as you called I told Captain Dale I had to go. I couldn’t stay there. Not when…”

Jamie cried out, so quiet, but loud enough to make both Maya and Carina look down in concern. Carina lowered her legs from the chair and leaned forward so Maya could touch Jamie too.

“Hey, Baby T-Rex,” Maya cooed, curving her hand around Jamie’s head, her thumb stroking Jamie’s forehead.

“She won’t stop shivering, I can’t keep her warm. I tried, but I can’t…”

“Hey, look at me,” Maya used her free hand to cup Carina’s cheek, forcing her attention. Something about Maya’s blue eyes instantly calmed Carina. It was the trust between them, the love.

She leaned in to Maya’s palm and forced herself to slow her breathing. After a few moments, she felt more centred, calmed by Maya’s presence. They sat huddled together, Maya’s arm around Carina’s back, both holding Jamie.

A nurse walked in then and Carina tightened her grip, knowing already that it was time.

“Dr. DeLuca, Dr. Montgomery has asked me to prep Jamie for surgery,” she said, but Carina couldn’t bring herself to stand up, let alone hand Jamie over.

“Carina? Let’s make sure she’s ready, okay?” Maya said, and even though Carina could see the obvious fear in her wife’s face, something about Maya’s words convinced her that they could do this.

She stood up, placing Jamie in Maya’s arms, giving her wife a moment.

“Don’t be scared, Jamie, we’re going to be right here when you wake up,” she whispered, nuzzling the top of Jamie’s head. Maya was obviously struggling with her emotions, her voice wavering with unshed tears. But Maya Bishop was also the bravest person Carina knew, nothing scared her, and it was clear as day that Maya was gathering strength for all of them.

She carefully lay Jamie on her bed and leaned over, kissing Jamie’s forehead and then her little belly. She took one of Jamie’s hands and kissed it too before nodding at Carina, a silent I’m ready passing between them.

The nurse started with Jamie’s diaper and then checked her IV and nasal canula. Carina slipped her hand into Maya’s, though they never looked away from Jamie, at least not until Addison Montgomery walked into the room alongside Cormac.

Carina had only met Addison briefly at a conference, but she was relieved to see her. The woman exuded confidence and her presence alone already had Carina feeling slightly less panicky.

“Dr. DeLuca,” Addison said, extending her hand, “it’s good to see you again, though I wish the circumstances were different.”

“Thank you, Dr. Montgomery. This is my wife, Lieutenant Maya Bishop,” Carina looked at Maya as she spoke, proud as she always was to introduce Maya as hers.

Addison shook Maya’s hand too before turning towards Jamie.

“As you know, the procedure is relatively straight forward. We’ll go in here,” Addison said, touching her fingertip to Jamie’s ribcage.

“And she’ll make a full recovery?” Maya asked, more of a statement than a question.

Addison nodded. “Once we repair the PAD, her heart rate should improve rapidly. Her breathing will normalize. She’s live a full, healthy life.”

As a doctor, Carina was well-aware of the procedure. As a mother, she felt like she was about to throw up.

Jamie kicked her little legs, clearly displeased, and her sad little gasps made it seem like she knew what was about to happen, like she was scared. Something about Jamie’s fear gave Carina strength – because Jamie needed her to be strong.

Maya reached out and took Jamie’s foot in her hand, squeezing gently.

“I would like to come with you to the OR…only until she’s anesthetized,” Carina said, not wanting to leave Jamie alone.

“Usually I wouldn’t allow parents in the room, but I realize these are special circumstances. You know, I delivered my son too. And adopted him. I know it’s not the same, but I understand what it’s like to bring them into the world.’ Addison’s eyes were kind above her mask and Carina was relieved she didn’t need to explain the unique circumstances of Jamie’s birth.

Carina had brought her into the world and Maya had carried her to safety.

They were her guardians, and not just because a soon-to-be approved legal document said they were.

Still, Carina felt more of her resolve weaken as she watched an orderly roll a small gurney into the room. She knew she had to let the nurses do their work, she knew that they were the best at what they did. But she couldn’t seem to stop herself from stepping forward and lifting Jamie herself.

Maya was right at her side as they lay Jamie on the bed and when the nurses switched Jamie to a portable IV and monitor, Maya leaned over the gurney and let Jamie take one of her fingers.

“You’re not alone, Jamie, you never were and you never will be. I’m right here,” Maya whispered and Carina wondered how many times it was possible to fall in love with her wife

Because in the midst of chaos, Maya radiated calm, her voice as gentle as her hands.

She was, protecting Jamie, comforting her. Maya Bishop who people claimed was cold, unfeeling…

Carina watched her wife transform into a parent right before her very eyes and it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen in her life.

The walk towards the OR was slow, each step more painful than the last, and when they finally reached the doors, the group paused.

“Wait in my office?” Carina set her hand on the back of Maya’s neck, squeezing lightly. She could feel the tension in Maya’s muscles.

Maya didn’t look at her before leaning down again, her face close to Jamie’s.

“I love you,” Maya said, three words that Carina knew Maya never used lightly.

I love you and I’ve never said that about anyone before except my brother, so it means something. I love you, Carina…

Maya straightened and took Carina’s hand and Carina had to resist the urge to kiss her senseless. Somehow in the middle of the most terrifying moment of their marriage so far, Carina found herself falling deeper and deeper in love with Maya.

“I’ll be there soon,” Carina promised, kissing Maya’s cheek before turning towards the OR doors. She looked back once, finding Maya standing in the hallway, her eyes wide and scared, but so beautiful.

Always so beautiful.

The doors swung closed behind them and Carina forced her attention back to Jamie who shivered from the sudden cold. Carina adjusted the baby’s blanket and then held her little hand, the fluttering pressure of Jamie’s fingers squeezing in time with her heartbeat.

~*~

Carina scrubbed in, never taking her eyes off Jamie through the OR window. She walked through the doors, arms held up, and even though she didn’t technically need gloves, she allowed the nurse to help her, wanting to be sure that everything was sterile and safe.

Jamie looked so small on the OR table, small and vulnerable. They’d removed the blanket keeping her warm and the sight of her naked and shivering was almost too much for Carina to bear. But she reminded herself that Jamie couldn’t be the strong one here, that was her job. And Maya would be strong for both of them.

She wished she didn’t know the dangers of anesthesia for preemies, she wished she could erase the knowledge that sedating an infant as young as Jamie could effect brain development. All she could do was hope that Jamie wouldn’t be a statistic, that she’d be okay, just like Addison and Cormac said she would be.

Jamie looked up at her, still crying, still shaking, and Carina placed her hand on Jamie’s tummy, trying to keep her warm.

“Stai bene, angioletta. Io sono qui e Maya è qui. Starai bene,” Carina whispered before making eye contact with Dr. Ezra, the anesthesiologist.

“We’re ready to go, Dr. DeLuca,” he said, inserting a syringe into Jamie’s IV line.

Carina rubbed her thumb over Jamie’s forehead and watched as the baby closed her eyes.

“Ti voglio bene, il mio piccola, tanto, tanto.”

Dr. Ezra lowered a small mask to Jamie’s face just as Addison walked through the door with Jo at her side. Carina was surprised to see her protégé scrubbed in.

“We’ve got her, Carina,” Addison promised, “but you need to go now. You don’t need to watch her be intubated. Go be with your wife. Go be a worried mother.”

Carina appreciated Addison’s confidence and her kindness.

“We’ve got her, Dr. DeLuca,” Jo repeated, “I’ll send updates every thirty minutes. You’ll be in your office?”

Carina nodded. With one final look back at Jamie, Carina walked out, tears soaking through her mask.