14. Chapter 14

Maya double checked her gear, methodically digging through the backpack she’d borrowed from Captain Dale.

Four litres of water. Bags of trail mix. Protein bars. Bananas and apples.

Waterproof jacket. Waterproof gaiters. First aid kit. Extra socks. Extra long-sleeve shirts. Baseball hat.

She zipped up the bag and swung it over her shoulder, clicking the buckles in front of her chest and her stomach.

The mountain loomed before her, its peaks still covered in snow, and Maya tried to mentally prepare herself for the hours ahead. She slipped on her gloves and a warm hat. Her hiking boots were well-worn and wouldn’t hurt her feet on the way up. She’d made sure to avoid cotton lest sweat and snow turn it damp – the last thing she needed was hypothermia.

With her trekking poles in hand, Maya stretched her legs one more time and then started to walk.

The trees were imposing, closing in on the path around her as she dutifully set one foot in front of the other. It was a well-worn trail, though Maya knew the true challenge lay ahead. In the meantime, there were birds and leaves and the smell of sod and stone.

With each step, Maya tried to concentrate on the world around her. On the greenery and the beauty. But with each step, the realities of her life screamed louder and louder until it was all she could think about.

Andy was captain and Sullivan was chief.

A door had very firmly closed behind her. Maya felt as lost as she ever had and even worse, she felt small. Maya Bishop never felt small.

Which wasn’t exactly true. Though it took her years to recognize, her father had made her small too. His punishments, his judgment, they forced her into a tiny box until the box felt like reality, until she couldn’t see how small and confining it truly was.

Sometimes Maya wondered who she would’ve been without the box. Certainly not an Olympian. Likely not a firefighter. But maybe she would have been a kind person? The type of person people liked? The type of person who cared about things like that.

Rocky outcrops punctuated the forest floor and Maya began to feel the slight burn in her calves as the trail rose up before her. The climb would take hours, Maya was counting on it, and each step away from civilization fueled her forward.

She hadn’t told Carina that she was going to climb the mountain. She’d told Captain Dale and she’d checked in with the park office, letting them know her plan. It wasn’t that she was being reckless or irresponsible, but talking to Carina meant talking about her feelings and climbing an inactive volcano felt like a better use of her time.

Maya paused for water, stepping off the path to catch her breath. Her thoughts drifted to Andy, to the complexity of their relationship. If they still even had a relationship.

It wasn’t that Andy didn’t deserve the captaincy. She did. But Maya was made to fight tooth and nail for a modicum of respect because everyone else felt that 19 belonged to Andy. That Andy had earned 19 just because she was Captain Herrera’s daughter.

The surrounding woods made her think of their ill-fated camping trip. How Andy had mocked her, ignored her, treated her like dirt. And maybe Maya had earned some of that. Maybe she’d earned a lot of it. But it didn’t stop the hurt from pressing in or the loneliness.

The memory brought with it something pleasant too. Because she’d carried all the hurt and loneliness into a bar the very same night and the universe had smiled down upon her. For once, it had smiled.

An hour passed by and then two. Maya could sense the air thinning as her shoes hit snow. She breathed in deeply, pushing herself ahead, ignoring the few fellow-hikers she met along the way.

Some small part of her wanted to run. She let herself imagine getting in her car and driving. Leaving. She’d be free. She wouldn’t have to live day in and day out with the agonizing questions beating at her head. She could close her eyes and drift away. It would be easy.

It would be the hardest thing she’d ever done.

She veered left down the path, watching the trees thin all around her. Her toes were cold and the tip of her nose was numb, but she knew to expect it. The air was damp all around her, damp and frigid, and for a moment Maya wanted to sit down in the middle of the trail and stop.

She’d lived with anger for so long. She didn’t know what it was to live without it. But her week at District Six had opened her eyes to the fact that maybe anger wasn’t part of the job. She’d been fighting for her entire adult life. At the academy to prove herself amongst the men. At the station to advance despite endless pushback from Andy and her team. She’d sacrificed her personal life, she’d sacrificed her happiness, she’d sacrificed Carina’s happiness…

Something about Carina was causing Maya’s brain to put up walls. It was as if thinking about her wife would still her legs or hurt her back. She kept pushing away the image of Carina’s eyes, her smile, her love.

Just get to the top, just get to the top…

Maya huffed as she moved, paying attention to her breathing, forcing herself to keep going despite the burn in her calves. She cleared her mind of everything but the steps ahead, taking small pleasure in the feel of snow beneath her shoes.

Another hour passed and then another, each one hurt more, each one was more rewarding. An old wooden sign with an arrow pointing right read Summit Rim and Maya grit her teeth in a harsh smile.

She paused, realizing she was standing in the rim of a volcano. The ground was still covered in snow, but beneath it black rock served as a reminder that at one time, the area had been swirling with lava.

An old memory surfaced, a memory from childhood of Mason and couch cushions and jumping from one to another while Lane was away on a business trip. She closed her eyes, remembering the laughter, remembering how Mason had tried to push her off the safety of the pillows and she’d pushed back, laughing and laughing, high on their rare chance to play together, to be children.

The path veered upward, and Maya knew she was almost there, almost where she needed to be. With the echoes of her brother’s laughter in her ears, she carried on, the air cold and still around her. She moved in silence, her heart pounding steadily, a drumbeat to guide her.

And then she reached the summit. The highest point. She stood on the rocky outcrop and the realization that she had done it, that she had climbed the mountain flooded her with wonder.

She could see everything. Mount Rainier in the distance. Valleys and lakes. She could see the world in a way she never had before, not even when she’d trekked to base camp at Mount Everest.

For one startling moment Maya realized that she was in the clouds. That she’d made it. She was finally in her clouds and tears poured down her cheeks as all the pain and happiness mingled together to freeze against her skin.

In the clouds her mind cleared, the knot that was her heart untangled. She understood so much, she could see…

She wanted Carina with her. She wanted Carina. All she wanted was Carina.

Andy was captain and Sullivan was Battalion Chief and that way was closed to her. But it was not the only way. It was not the only path.

She stood above the world and knew for the first time in months, in years, exactly what she should do.

Maya laughed, she laughed like she’d laughed with Mason, she laughed until her belly hurt, until she could barely breathe. She’d spent her whole life dreaming about the clouds. Seeking them. And now they were here and she was free.

With one final glance at the horizon, she turned around and set back down the trail.

There was somewhere she had to be.

~*~

Rain thrashed against the windows, the sound so loud that Carina flinched with each rumble of thunder. She stood in the kitchen watching the deluge, the minutes feeling longer and longer as she nursed a glass of wine and tried to once again, calm her racing thoughts.

She hadn’t heard from Maya since the day before and while she knew that it was important to trust her wife, part of her was expecting a call from Castle Rock telling her that Maya was hurt or missing or worse.

Lightning flashed across the sky, burning Carina’s eyes, and she turned away, the damp chill in the air doing little to provide comfort. She hoped Jamie was sleeping, that the sound and the lights weren’t keeping her awake.

A particularly loud clap of thunder shook the walls and the apartment was suddenly cast in darkness. Carina startled in surprise and returned to the window, only to see that the entire neighbourhood was apparently without power.

Italy did not experience rain like Seattle. It still shocked her sometimes, the absolute flood from the sky. She shivered and sipped her wine, wishing it would warm her, but ultimately, she knew it wouldn’t be enough.

Carina carefully crossed the room until she stood before the fireplace. Maya was much better at putting the logs in properly, but Carina set down her glass on the mantle and got to work, piling a few logs against each other. She found matches nearby and lit one, hoping the fire would take. After three attempts it did, and the sudden orange flame made her feel a little less alone.

She got to work setting up candles – a few on the mantle, some on the kitchen table. There was no point in covering the entire apartment, but at least she could keep one room warm and bright. She wondered if it would be best to sleep on the couch near the fire – their bedroom would grow cold soon enough without heat and without Maya, the bed was cold anyways.

Carina picked up her glass again and finished it, eyeing the bottle she’d left in the kitchen. It took the edge off, it made her feel a little less afraid for Maya. But she didn’t want to wallow in the dark, the wine a crutch to help her forget. Instead she stood by the fireplace, watching the flames, entranced by the shifting oranges and yellows and blue. She braced one hand against the mantel, ignoring the picture of Andy, Vic, and Maya, ignoring everything but the candlelight around her and the sound of the rain.

Thunder sounded again, so loud that the framed picture next to Carina’s hand fell over. She was about to fix it when the front door swung open, smashing against the opposite wall, scaring her so badly that she jumped and yelped, at first unable to distinguish the dark figure standing in the hallway.

The dark figure soon made itself known as Maya stepped into the light. She was soaking wet, her jeans and flannel shirt plastered to her body. Her hair was held back in a ponytail, but she looked as if she’d just stepped out of a shower, drenched to the bone and shaking.

“Maya?” Carina stuttered, her voice wavering in fear.

Maya quickly closed and locked the door behind her before moving further into the room. Her sneakers squelched as she walked and the closer she came, the more Carina realized how determined she seemed to be, as if Carina was her finish line and she’d been running all day.

Maya’s eyes were so wide and she was breathing strangely and…

“I want to adopt Jamie,” Maya said, staring at Carina with an intensity that was nearly uncomfortable.

“What?”

“I want to adopt Jamie. Right now. I want to sign the papers and bring her home.”

Carina set her glass down and crossed into Maya’s space.

“You’re freezing, Bambina, come here,” she said softly, terrified that Maya was manic.

Maya shook her head and pulled away.

“I want to adopt Jamie,” she insisted, her hands finding Carina’s face, “I was so afraid, I was so…I was so stupid, Carina. But you were right. She’s ours. She’s been ours since the first moment we saw her.”

“Maya don’t say these things.”

“Why?” Maya’s fingers were like ice against Carina’s cheeks.

“Because you don’t mean them. You’re…upset and you can’t make decisions like this when you’re upset.”

Maya shook her head again, spraying water from her hair as she moved.

“I’m not upset. I promise you, Carina, I swear. It’s like…it’s like the lights are on again and I know exactly what I want. I can see it so clearly.”

Carina wasn’t sure what to make of Maya’s strange words, but she had to admit that upon closer inspection, Maya didn’t seem to be in overly emotional or frazzled. She was soaking wet, shaking from cold, but her eyes were clear and her grip on Carina’s face unyielding.

“I’ve felt like this exactly three times in my life,” Maya whispered, obviously needing Carina to understand, “the seconds before I knew I was about to win gold. And…and the day I cut my hair, the day I realized that I was in love with you, that I couldn’t live without you. And the day you asked me to marry you. I knew so clearly, I saw everything, and Carina…please, please Carina, I want us to adopt Jamie.”

Carina felt dizzy. She felt winded. She curled her hands around Maya’s wrists and searched her wife’s face, trying to understand what was happening.

“You’re upset,” Carina tried again, “about Andy and Sullivan…”

“No. I mean, yes, I’m upset, but it doesn’t matter. Not compared to this. To us. I can figure out work, I can move stations or talk to a lawyer, but there’s not another Jamie. And there’s not another you. Please Carina…”

Carina wanted to believe. She wanted to give in. But they’d spent months, over a year in agony over Maya’s demotion. And now suddenly Maya was saying it didn’t matter?

“Maya, please don’t say this if you don’t mean it. Please. I can’t…” she felt herself tear up, emotion stealing her words, “please don’t do this if you don’t mean it, Maya, please…”

Maya pulled Carina into a tight hug, her wet clothes soaking Carina’s t-shirt.

“I mean it. I mean every word. You’re the best thing in my life, the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I want us to bring our baby home.”

Carina held back a sob, she swallowed it down, she let Maya hold her as the gravity of what was happening surrounded them both. Maya’s hands returned to Carina’s face and then they were kissing, Maya’s lips hungry against her mouth. Carina kissed her back, tangling her fingers in Maya’s damp hair, needing to bring her closer and closer.

Maya’s tongue was hot against Carina’s, so hot that Carina opened her mouth, letting Maya in, moaning at the feel of being so close, moaning as Maya licked and bit her lips.

“Come here, Bambina,” Carina whispered, grabbing the collar of Maya’s shirt so she could guide them both backwards, closer to the fireplace. Maya was relentless, unwilling to let go of Carina for a second, her teeth scrapping against the sensitive skin of Carina’s neck. She nibbled and for once Carina didn’t worry about marks, she wanted the world to see that she was Maya’s, that Maya had claimed her.

Maya moved to kiss her again, even as her hands found the hem of Carina’s t-shirt and tugged upwards. They only broke apart so Maya could toss Carina’s shirt on the floor and then her hands were coasting up Carina’s torso, pressing and needy. She reached behind Carina’s back, unhooking her bra, never pausing as she brought her hands to Carina’s front again, whining at the sight of her so exposed. Maya dipped her head down, licking one nipple, circling her mouth around it, and as she sucked Carina gasped, overwhelmed by how quickly Maya was moving, by how intensely needy and desperate it all felt.

Maya released Carina’s nipple and stood up, panting, through Carina could hear her teeth chattering from cold.

“Take off your clothes,” Maya said, her hands already thumbing the button of Carina’s jeans, “I need to feel you.”

“You first,” Carina breathed against Maya’s mouth, already unbuttoning Maya’s shirt. She pushed the wet flannel over Maya’s shoulders, worried to find Maya’s skin so cool and clammy from the rain.

Maya’s jeans were more difficult to remove, but with Carina’s help, they were on the floor soon too. As they stripped each other, the world felt dark and small, it felt like their’s and their’s alone. Carina wanted only to cover Maya, to keep her warm, so she took her hand, encouraging her to lay down by the fire.

The floor was hard, but the throw carpet they’d bought months before provided enough cushion that Carina lay back comfortably, watching Maya who sunk to her knees beside her. She leaned down to kiss Carina, to return to her breasts, to place one hand on either side of Carina’s shoulders and loom over her, all pale and shaking and hers.

Maya’s body was a study in contrast. She was muscular and fit, but soft too. Maya’s body fascinated her, it moved her, she loved it more than she’d ever loved anything in her life. Carina had never before experienced such constant want.

As a doctor, she’d seen countless bodies. As someone who loved sex, she’d seen countless more. But Maya stopped her in her tracks. She craved her, she fantasized about her, even after years of marriage, Carina found herself slack-jawed and hungry for the pale lines of her wife. She loved Maya’s strong shoulders and muscled thighs, she loved her ass and her breasts, how her wife was athletic and strong and under all the turnouts and gear she was soft and full.

Carina snuck her hand between them, palming Maya’s breast, moaning at the weight of it, the perfect, smooth weight of it.

“Vieni qui, amore mio,” Carina said, stroking her fingers up and down Maya’s sides, bending her legs at the knees and letting them fall open, offering herself to Maya, needing her closer.

Maya raised herself up just enough to adjust her position, moving to rest between Carina’s spread legs. She settled on top of Carina, her hips brushing Carina’s thighs, her breasts against Carina’s, so close that Carina felt a wave of safety and warmth ignite in her chest. She fit, Maya fit Carina’s body as if they had been forged by the same star, as if they were always meant to find each other, as if nothing could ever separate them.

They both sighed at the intimacy the position afforded them, sighed and then moaned when Maya moved again, aligning their bodies. When Maya rolled her hips, Carina gasped, overwhelmed by the sensation of Maya’s clit so swollen against her own.

She let Maya set the pace, slow and hard, each thrust wetter than the one before. It was so hot between them, so close, that Carina felt herself blushing, even as she opened her legs more, wanting every inch of Maya. The friction and Maya’s moving hips and the streaks of wetness Maya left against her made Carina’s breathing go ragged. She held onto Maya’s shoulders and then reached down, molding her hands to Maya’s ass, as those strong thighs brushed against hers.

The warmth of the fire and the heat of Maya’s body was nearly too much. Carina felt sweat gather at her temples, she could see it across Maya’s brow. She arched, forcing herself closer to Maya, as if they were the same body, as if there was no end and no beginning.

Maya kept her rhythm, kissing Carina as she continued to thrust against her, kissing her even as they both gasped for air.

“I love you,” Maya whispered against Carina’s ear before rearing up so she could look down, so she could watch Carina.

Carina could feel pressure building low in her abdomen, she could barely hold on, she could barely catch her breath. Maya moaned, the veins in her neck straining as she too tried to keep going, but the feel of how wet Maya was against her, the knowledge that Maya was cumming against her, on her, in her…

In the shelter of Maya’s body, Carina unravelled. She whined, turning her face, welcoming the white light that eviscerated all other awareness. She was floating and Maya was with her and her body throbbed and spasmed as Maya brought her to bliss. She was barely aware of her hands on Maya’s back, she was barely aware of Maya moaning her name in reverence.

All she knew was that she was safe. That she was with Maya. That she was home.

When she finally opened her eyes, she found Maya still on top of her, though she could not tell if Maya’s red cheeks were from exertion or the heat of the fire or from blushing.

They were no strangers to intimate sex, but this felt like something more. It felt like their wedding night. Like their reunion after their breakup. Like the first time they had been intimate after Andrea’s death. It felt like all those big moments.

Gentle and profound and bigger than either of them could put into words.

Maya rolled onto her back beside Carina, and Carina found herself stifling a moan at how wet they both were between their legs, how it glistened in the firelight.

Carina reached for Maya’s hand, squeezing it, and Maya finally turned her face. They lay shoulder to shoulder, watching each other, both aware that they’d somehow created a sacred space, a sanctuary.

Even as the world wept, they found a way to smile. Even in the darkness, they created light.

~*~

They carefully brought a few candles into the bedroom, placing them on their dresser and night tables. Maya made quick work of the fireplace and despite the chill in the air, their room felt cozy. The rain continued, thunder and lightning warring, but inside there was only safety and relief.

Maya lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling and Carina curled into her side, her forehead pressed into Maya’s neck.

“When can we see her?” Maya asked, her finger stroking patterns up and down Carina’s forearm.

Carina pushed herself up on her elbow, admiring how the candlelight cast shadows on Maya’s face, sharpening her jaw and darkening her eyes.

“Jamie?” Carina already knew the answer, but she was still in a state of disbelief. She wanted assurance, she wanted to double check that the rain and the warmth and the brush of Maya’s stomach against hers as they writhed together on the floor wasn’t a front. Wasn’t a temporary distraction.

Maya nodded, finding Carina’s gaze.

“I want to see her right now,” she said, “I wish we could go. Do you think the storm is scaring her?”

Carina kissed Maya’s shoulder, trying to hide how moved she was by the question. It’s not that she didn’t want Maya to see her emotions, but she needed some time to sort them herself.

“She’s got a dinosaur and a lupo and Big Foot and a firefighter bear to keep her safe,” Carina smiled against Maya’s skin, thinking about Jamie’s ever-growing menagerie.

“We can’t go now, right?”

Was it possible for a heart to break from happiness? For a heart to burst from feeling too much?

“We can go first thing tomorrow morning. Our meeting with the lawyer is at eleven,” Carina said.

Maya seemed to take that in, returning her gaze to the ceiling. She took Carina’s hand and linked their fingers. Carina couldn’t stop herself from pulling Maya’s arm closer to her. She so loved the prominent veins inside Maya’s wrists and elbows – one of the many inexplicable pieces of her wife she found beautiful. They spoke to Maya’s fragility and her strength. Delicate blue against pale skin. They were her life’s blood, her heartbeat. Carina lightly kissed Maya’s wrist, indulgent and warm.

“I climbed Mount Saint Helen’s today.”

Maya stated the fact as if she was telling Carina about a traffic report, as if it wasn’t something remarkable. Carina raised her eyebrows, startled by the sudden shift in conversation, and all thoughts of fragility and softness disappeared.

“You climbed up and down a volcano and then drove two hours in the rain to get here?” She unlinked their fingers and set her hand on Maya’s tummy, wondering how her wife was still awake, let alone talking.

“I couldn’t wait until tomorrow. I needed to get to you. To Jamie,” Maya’s voice was quiet, but still strong. There was no wavering, no second thoughts. She was as determined as Carina had ever seen her.  

Carina dragged her fingers over Maya’s hip, needing to keep her close. “When do you have to go back?”

The fact that Maya still had one more week in Castle Rock pained Carina. She wanted to march into Chief Ross’s office and explain that they had a baby, that they were about to start a complex, difficult process and she needed her wife by her side, not off in the woods, climbing volcanoes.

Maya turned just enough to press her body against Carina’s under the blankets, bringing their chests together, their thighs. Despite their shared exhaustion, Carina couldn’t help the satisfied sigh that escaped her lips.

“Sunday morning,” Maya said, searching Carina’s face.

Carina tried to keep her expression neutral, but Maya saw right through it. Her fingers stroked Carina’s cheek and jaw line, gentle and reverent, as if her touch alone could take away the ache.

“I left the clinic early,” Carina confessed, leaning into Maya’s palm.

“You did?”

Carina nodded. “I couldn’t be there. All I could think about was what they did to you. What they were doing to you. How much I missed you…”

“I’m going to make this right, Carina. I promise.”

“Maya…”

Maya moved her hand, curling her arm around Carina’s body.

“It’s not going to be perfect. I haven’t figured out all the pieces yet, but we’re going to bring Jamie home. That’s what matters most. You and Jamie. Our family. I can still be a firefighter and have this. Have you. Whether it’s at 19 or somewhere else…I just want Jamie home with us.”

“You will be her home, Bambina. I think you already are,” Carina said, settling one hand on Maya’s back, holding her close. She watched as Maya settled against the pillows and stroked her fingers up and down Maya’s spine, soothing the weary woman next to her.

“You and Jamie,” Maya whispered again, blinking heavily.

“Sleep, Tesoro, do not fight it.”

“I’m sorry, Carina, you come first, you always come first, you’re the best th…”

“Shhh, Bambina…”

Maya’s eyes closed, but Carina could see her trying to stay awake, her mind obviously racing.

“We need a crib,” she said, “and a rocking chair…she likes the rocking chair in the NICU…and…”

Carina kissed her forehead, wishing she could slow that beautiful, frustrating brain. “Vai dormire, Bella, sleep now.”

“I want to see her,” Maya’s voice was barely audible, her body felt heavy in Carina’s arms.

Her breathing evened out seconds later and Carina was left holding her exhausted wife, her exhausted wife who finally looked peaceful.

Carina pressed more gentle kisses to Maya’s forehead and then lay down on her pillow, content to watch Maya in her sleep, memorizing the way her eyelashes settled against her cheek, the way her lips parted slightly.

It was late and Carina knew she should sleep too, but she wanted one more moment to feel the enormity of what existed between them.

To feel the enormity of what the next day would bring.