Chapter 10 (Start to Think When There's Nothing Better to do)

Chapter 10: Start to Think When There's Nothing Better to do

Valentine Evans

November 2022

About 6 months after outbreak

Ohio

Season 1

----------------------------

"So why did you leave?"

"Why did you leave, Cole? Yeah, don't act so shocked; of course Arwen told me."

"You won't believe me if I say it."

"There's no use in keeping secrets anymore; we all might die tomorrow anyway."

"I left because I went to look for you."

Yeah, right, I don't believe you."

"I don't even know if I believe myself. I want to hate you; at least I think I do."

"I want to hate you too, but I can't because I love you, unfortunately."

"You just said it yourself; we're probably going to die tomorrow. You'd be stupid to die with regrets."

"Don't give me advice."

"Yeah, that's probably for the best."

---

I don't like to remember anything about him, to be honest. How much he pissed me off—the stupid jokes he said, the way he used to insult me, the "I love yous" he whispered in my ear.

I always try to tell myself that what I did to him was for the best, but if I really loved him, would I have let myself hurt him even more than he hurt me?

---

"Arwen, what are we going to do? It's almost winter; we have no home, no food."

"We'll find something by then, Abby."

"You said that last week."

"We found blankets and dried goods, didn't we?"

"It's not enough."

---

I overheard their conversation, and I could hear the defeat in Arwen's voice as the others continued to pester them. Cole and I stayed in the background as I tried to scrub the blood stain out of one of his old shirts. I wanted to get involved. I wanted to back Arwen up, but the others wouldn't listen to me, no matter how hard I tried. Arwen looked stressed, like they felt the weight of the world was on their shoulders and no one was doing anything to help. It killed me. I owed them for saving my life, even if I didn't want them to have, but instead of being the bigger person, I kept my head down. I couldn't shake off the guilt that consumed me, knowing that I should have stepped up and supported Arwen. The fear of rejection and being dismissed by the others paralyzed me, leaving me feeling helpless in the situation. As I continued scrubbing the blood stain, a surge of determination washed over me, and I vowed to find a way to make things right and show my gratitude to Arwen even if it wouldn't matter much in the long run.

----------------------

Arwen Swanter

-------------------

"Why are we still here?"

"What are you talking about, Sky?"

"Why are we still with these people? It's not doing us any good.

"We're with these people because these people are our family; what the fuck do you mean?"

"I'm just saying, we could leave. We could leave them and go on our own. They don't need us, and you don't need them. Look at what leading them is doing to you. You haven't slept in days."

"I'm fine, Skylar. We're not leaving. You can, but I'm staying right here." Skylar sighed, frustration evident in her voice.

"You would let me go on my own?"

"I wouldn't stop you. You seem to want to, so who am I to care?"

"I would want to go with you."

"Too bad, I'm not leaving. You can; I don't give a shit." Skylar's frustration deepened as she realized the extent of the divide between us. "You're really willing to let our relationship go, just like that?" she asked, her voice filled with disappointment.

"This is not the time to think about romance and relationships. We're barely alive, and fixing that is all that matters to me. Get your priorities straight."

---

I was honest; I didn't care about Skylar in a loving way anymore. With what's happened, it's made me question if I ever even cared about her like that in the first place. I know I never loved her; I was only with her because I couldn't stand being alone. But now I had all these people who relied on me. I wasn't alone anymore, and she was never good to me anyway.