40

Chapter 40: now you're taller than you've ever beenNotes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Raijin is instructed to stay within the confines of the Hokage estate until Minato can sort out the last of the legalities surrounding his return to the village. His brother doesn't want him to get caught up in even a lick of conflict from the warmongering factions who are bitter about losing their biggest figurehead to treachery of all things.

It's not like any of them will pose a challenge to Raijin should they try anything, but maybe that's part of the problem. It'd reflect badly on him and the Namikaze clan if he kills any more politicians. Besides, Minato seems like he needs to be able to do things for Raijin as if to prove some sort of point, so he lets his big brother have this one and agrees to laying low for a few days. He can be on his best behaviour for a little bit if it makes Minato happy.

Kushina is positively delighted by this. Not only does she get to smother her favourite brother-in-law in much deserved love and affection, she also gets a live-in babysitter for free, and she has no compunctions about utilising his services (though he never offered them) so she can have a day to herself to get in some neglected training—a luxury she hasn't quite gotten since Naruto was born.

So, here he is now, babysitting...himself, technically.

Raijin stares at Naruto blankly, not knowing what to think. The baby shrieks happily and waves his fist at him, blowing a raspberry that sends spittle of the milk Raijin is trying to feed him everywhere.

Captain Yamato had once confessed to him during one of the rare quieter moments in their war camp that Raijin himself had been a rather quiet baby from when Yamato had been added to his ANBU guard roster. Raijin hadn't been surprised, though it had been a bitter thought. Of course he'd been a quiet baby. He probably realised early on that there was no point in him crying—no one would be coming. His caretakers had hated him for being the container of the Nine Tails' even then. It's the biggest reason he was left to live on his own at such a young age; it was simply safer for him than the alternative was looking.

This Naruto isn't like that though. He's an expressive kid, wearing his heart on his sleeve because it is safe for him to do so. He's a well of energy—bright and rambunctious even now. He likes the sound of his own laughter and he loves other people, basking in attention.

Raijin is glad. It's good to see the obvious fruits of the seeds he painstakingly planted. This is the childhood he should have always been allowed to have, and now, Naruto will have it. He will grow up healthy and loved, surrounded by people who care for him and are allowed to show it. There will always be a home for him to come to, people waiting for him, reaching out whenever he wants a hand to hold.

And, strange as it is, Raijin will be one of those people too.

Maybe his life has just been one giant cosmic allegory for self-love all along?

Little Naruto seems to like him well enough at least. Like most babies, he's drawn to the blanketing nature and warmth of Raijin's chakra, though he also probably likes the undercurrent of Kurama's chakra that bleeds into Raijin's because it feels similar to Kushina's to the baby.

Interestingly enough, Raijin finds that the absence of the Kyuubi's chakra in Naruto makes their chakra signatures just a little different from each other's too. Where Raijin's is like an encompassing void of afternoon-seasalt-storm-starburst, Naruto feels like dawn-spindrift-tempest-sunbeam. Like a tamer, less intense version of Raijin's signature. He hadn't realised that Kurama being sealed into him altered his chakra to any such degree, but he supposes it makes sense.

Exposure to the Kyuubi's chakra from birth was bound to have all sorts of unintended effects.

At least it's convenient that they won't have to come up with an explanation for why Naruto and Raijin have identical chakra signatures. The similarity can just be passed off on account of their being related to one another.

Yet another thing he owes Kurama for.

But the similarity might also be a factor in Naruto taking an immediate shine to him. Or, equally as likely, the baby just might not have any sense of stranger danger just yet.

Raijin feeds Naruto the rest of his lunch before burping him and cleaning up the mess they'd made in the kitchen. By the time he's done, Naruto is blinking slowly and yawning.

"Is it time for your nap?" Raijin asks, gently stroking a whiskered cheek that is the same as his.

Naruto smiles bleary-eyed at him, grabbing hold of his finger and immediately trying to stick it in his mouth. Raijin chuckles and thwarts the attempt by lightly poking Naruto between the eyes, much to the child's apparent confusion. He is quickly distracted by another yawn. Raijin yawns back. They stare at each other.

"I think it's time for my nap too," Raijin admits sheepishly. Naruto nods at him seriously.

At least they'll always be in agreement over the big things like this. The uncle and nephew both go to sleep.

As soon as he's allowed to leave the Hokage estate, Raijin embarks on a mission to meet someone he owes an important apology to.

From across the kotetsu table, Itachi's large eyes remain fixed on him, everything about his demeanour hesitant and uncertain. They have been left alone in the informal sitting room out of respect for the relationship they share, though Raijin has no real expectations of privacy. In a shinobi household like this, it may as well be a myth.

"I wanted to personally apologise to you, Itachi-kun," Raijin says softly, not bothering to conceal the remorse he feels. "I was irresponsible to leave without a word. As your teacher, it was a grave disrespect to our relationship, and very unfair of me to do to you. For that, I am deeply sorry."

Itachi looks supremely uncomfortable to have an adult—one of his personal authority figures at that—apologising to him so seriously. He shrinks a little on himself. "It's fine," he dismisses hurriedly. "You didn't need to say that to me specifically. Shishou already apologised to my parents. That was enough."

Smiling wryly, Raijin shakes his head. "I disagree, Itachi-kun. I apologised to your parents as a formality, sure, but the person I really owe my remorse to is you. I'm sorry I left like that. I didn't mean to abandon you. I just—wasn't thinking very clearly at the time."

Itachi shifts slightly. "My mother said you killed Shimura Danzou because he hurt you in the past."

Raijin considers this. "He did," he settles on eventually. "He also harmed people I cared about. And then he went after Shisui-kun too. I...felt I had to do something about it before it was too late. And then I felt like I wouldn't be able to stay here because of what I did. Ah, this isn't an excuse by the way. My actions did wrong you. I'm just trying to explain why I did what I did."

"I understand, shishou," Itachi says softly. His fingers curl into loose fists on the wooden surface of the table. "I'm sorry the traitor hurt you."

Sadly, Raijin says, "Me too." This Itachi will never know that, in another life, it is he who becomes arguably one of the biggest victims of Danzou's machinations. "He's gone now though. He will never harm anyone again."

"You killed him."

"I did," Raijin agrees evenly.

Itachi hesitates. His gaze darts from his fingers to Raijin and back. "Did it—" He pauses. Tries again. "Was it worth it?"

"Revenge, you mean?" he clarifies. Itachi nods slowly and Raijin closes his eyes, thinking it over. "It didn't feel like revenge, to be honest," he says. "Mostly, I just felt desperate. Like if I didn't stop him then, someone else I cared about would get hurt. Shisui or Kakashi or Obito or you. Vengeance wasn't on my mind until I'd already killed him."

Blinking, Itachi says, "Oh." He ducks his head. "Do you feel better now, though? Since he's...gone?"

"I do," Raijin admits frankly. "I don't have to worry that my loved ones will have to face harm in the village where they should be safe. It's a safer place for you and Naruto to grow up in too. I'm glad he's finally gone."

"Okay," Itachi says. "I'll forgive you then."

Raijin blinks. "What?"

The boy lets his hair fall into his face, almost hiding behind it. "It seems like something you needed to do," he murmurs. "Since you feel better having done it, I'll forgive you, so please don't feel bad or apologise anymore."

"Oh, Itachi-kun," Raijin says softly, feeling like he could melt right into the nice tatami mats of the Uchiha main house. "You're such a kind child." Itachi visibly flushes and Raijin smiles, reaching to brush his chakra against his student's affectionately. "Thank you for forgiving me."

Quietly, Itachi says, "Thank you for coming back."

"Of course I did, kiddo," Raijin says, feeling warm when Itachi's chakra gently curls into his. "I always will."

Tentatively, Itachi smiles at him, softly admitting, "I'm glad. I...missed you."

"Me too," Raijin confesses honestly. "I have a few ideas for when we renew our lessons. Would you like to hear them?"

Itachi brightens. "Yes, please."

Being openly regarded as a hero of the village is nice. No one too important is really mad about him killing off Danzou after all the dude's dirty laundry gets aired out. Minato helps Raijin make a public apology anyways, assuring everyone that he would serve his sentence and seek counselling with Tsunade to make sure he doesn't 'lose control' like that again. It boosts his own image and also propels the therapy programme, so it's one of those two birds with one stone things.

In reality, Tsunade is let in on the whole time travelling secret so that Raijin can get professional help with processing all of that and settling into the rest of his life. And it does help. Talking to another person about his past and his loss—especially Tsunade who has always tried to do right by him as much as she has been able—feels like a massive weight lifted off his chest.

He doesn't have to keep holding on by himself anymore. It's immensely liberating. He can fall and stumble as much as he likes, and there will be people waiting to catch and help him back onto his feet.

He starts his community service too. Completely free of chakra usage just as the law demands. It starts out as voluntary work for the two clans put in charge of watching over him. He helps out at the homeless shelter and kitchen the Akimichi clan runs, helping with serving and stocking and whatever else is asked of him.

Meanwhile, the Uchiha stick him in the archives and have him sort through the piles and piles of reports to separate which ones ought to be moved to the new headquarters. It's not as boring as it could've been. Every now and then he'll stumble upon an interesting case and it's almost like reading a mystery novel. Only, you know, with real life murder.

And then, somehow, it devolves into part-time babysitting. Naturally, Sasuke is to blame.

Itachi likes to join him whenever he's in the archives because a) he likes Raijin and b) he likes looking through records. And wherever Itachi goes, more often than not, Sasuke follows.

Sasuke is already notorious in the village for being the fussiest little bundle of horrors ever. He has massive dark eyes, the tiniest button nose and wispy tufts of black hair, and you'd think all that would make him adorable, except that he scowls at everything that isn't Itachi or his mom. He tolerates Fugaku, and that's a fairly generous statement too.

Itachi adores him. Carries him everywhere whenever Mikoto has clan duties to attend to, patiently feeds him no matter how much of a fight Sasuke puts up, always whispers softly and coos at the baby.

Now, Raijin is usually great with kids and he has enough experience with babies to not accidentally kill hem or something, but Sasuke makes him wary. He's so difficult and flaily and supremely judgemental; all traits he had as a grown-up too, but with a lot less wailing and dangerous squirming involved.

Sasuke clearly does not get the memo. From the moment his beady little eyes manage to focus on Raijin, he wants the man to hold him because he's a contrarian this time round too. He shrieks bloody murder in the archives, high-pitched voice echoing off the walls, almost wriggling right out of Itachi's hold in trying to reach for Raijin.

"What is wrong with him?" Raijin asks alarmed, arms awkwardly raised to catch any falling children while Itachi tries to coax his brother into calming down. If this is Sasuke trying to convince Raijin to hold him, he's doing a seriously bad job. Minato has spent all of Sunday morning ranting about his own mishap trying to hold Sasuke after the boy was born and, safe to say, it has stuck with Raijin. He does not want to be the moron who accidentally killed one of the Uchiha heirs by dropping him on his head or something.

"I think he wants you to hold him because your chakra feels warm," Itachi says, straining against Sasuke's attempts to escape his brother. "Will you please take him, shishou? I might drop him like this."

Raijin bites his tongue and does not say "Better you than me" to his precious student because he's a grown and responsible adult, thank you very much. Instead, with the air of a man being marched to his own execution, he holds his arms out and carefully extracts Sasuke from Itachi's grasp before the baby can plunge to his own early demise.

"I guess you were just born with a terrible personality," he observes, lifting Sasuke to be at eye level.

As if in response, Sasuke's tiny face scrunches into a scowl as he swipes at Raijin's face, trying to grab his nose.

Snorting, Raijin lowers him so he can cradle him against his chest, watching as the baby settles down immediately once he can feel Raijin's chakra, peering up at the man almost contemplatively.

"He's totally judging my worth as a person," Raijin states.

Itachi shuffles awkwardly, looking almost sheepish. "He's very...exclusive."

"He's a burgeoning menace to society," Raijin corrects. He would know, after all. If Sasuke has managed to stress anyone out into nearing an early grave, it's Raijin.

Sasuke, of course, only looks perfectly pleased with himself.

He throws a fit when it's time for Raijin to clock out and go back home, screaming his little head off when Kushina drops by to pick her brother-in-law up for their lunch date. And then Sasuke seems to realise that Naruto gets to be held by Raijin for indefinite lengths of time and manages to scream even louder which, for some reason, inspires Naruto to start screaming along for nothing but his own entertainment and that just seems to piss Sasuke off even more, resulting in a vicious cycle that threatens the hearing of everyone in the vicinity.

Needless to say, it's an all round nightmare.

"I guess Sasuke is getting added to your collection," Shisui notes dispassionately, leaning against Raijin's side as they watch Mikoto try to calm her youngest down to no avail.

Raijin swats the boy's head without even looking. "Don't go around saying strange things."

"It's true though," Shisui protests, pouting up at him. "Obito-san, Itachi, me, and now, Sasuke. You've got an even set now."

The blond stares at him with open horror on his face. "Stop saying stuff right now," he demands. "This is the last thing I need."

"Hey! We're absolutely delightful!"

Raijin pointedly looks to where Sasuke's tiny face is red from his tantrum, the baby sniffling with snot and tears on his face, having finally run out of steam. Naruto seems to think this means he has won whatever game he imagined they were playing in his little head because he's clapping and looking very happy with himself.

"Okay, yeah, that's fair," Shisui concedes.

But watching over Sasuke and Itachi while their parents are busy with the move is apparently enough of a public service by the Uchiha's standards that it counts towards his hours, so at least it's not all bad.

The Akimichi find out somehow, as they always do. People talk while having meals and the Akimichi are excellent listeners; they know all the village gossip. So Raijin gets saddled with looking after a baby Chouji, who unfortunately comes in package deal with the young Nara and Yamanaka heirs on most days.

Maybe he should just run away again. He'll take his family along with him this time, which means Team 7 will naturally tag along too. Shisui would come because he'd find it funny, Sakura and Sasuke would be easy for him to kidnap and Itachi would just follow after his baby brother.

It's a fool proof plan!

It is Minato's request that Raijin work with the other healers and sealing experts working on undoing Danzou's disgusting seal that is placed on every ROOT operative's tongue.

Raijin suspects that his brother involved him in the matter from a publicity point of view. It's a good way to rinse the blood off Raijin's reputation and really establish him as a hero for dismantling ROOT so thoroughly, especially since they don't correct the village-wide assumption of him having a history of being a runaway experiment or something.

It bothers him a little that the lie of omission garners him a bunch of unwarranted pity, but he's quick to forget all about it when he realises that this is his chance to help out Captain Yamato who isn't even Yamato right now, and is instead known by the name he'd received from Danzou—Kinoe.

"Tsunade-san said I could pick a new name for myself if I'd like to. A lot of the ROOT agents have to establish new identities," Kinoe says quietly, watching while Raijin packs up his sealing tools after the ROOT seal is nullified.

"And is that what you want to do?" Raijin asks kindly.

"I...am unsure."

Shrugging, the older shinobi says, "I totally get you. Names can feel like a big deal, especially when you have to pick out a new one for yourself." He already has the existential crisis and subsequent therapy to show for it. "But, you know, if you don't like it, you can just pick another one. There's no right answer for this sort of thing. Just do whatever feels best to you." With a wink, he adds, "For what it's worth, you look like a Tenzou to me."

Later, Kakashi finds him on his balcony and dutifully informs him, "You have no sense of subtlety."

Raijin snorts at the boy. "I fooled all of you, didn't I?"

"And kami knows how you managed it. Tenzou? Seriously?"

"It is his real name, you know" Raijin rolls his eyes.

"That isn't the point."

"Then what is, Kashi-kun?"

Silence. Kakashi stares at him with a little furrow between his brows and tension in the line of his shoulders. Then, "Will you tell, Obito?"

Ah. Raijin sighs and turns away, returning his gaze to the horizon. "Why do you ask?" He suspects why, but he waits for Kakashi to broach the subject himself. These genius types need to feel in control in vulnerable situations, Raijin has learned the hard way over the years.

"I don't think it would do him any good," Kakashi admits, sounding almost ashamed.

Raijin hums. "You don't think he deserves to know anyway?"

"It's not about deserving to know, it's—" Kakashi huffs. "He's not that person. You saved him from that stupid cave, so he's never going to become that man. What's the point of telling him and punishing him for stuff he hasn't done?"

"It's not a punishment, Kashi-kun," Raijin says patiently. "But you're right about Obito never becoming that man. His subsequent formative experiences are too different. Just like you."

Glancing at him narrowly, Kakashi asks, voice even, "Does that bother you? The fact that I'm nothing like your sensei, I mean."

Raijin inclines his head and considers this. "Not really," he decides after a moment. "I mean, I totally miss Kakashi-sensei, don't get me wrong. But my sensei was a deeply damaged, incredibly lonely and guarded man shaped by loss after loss. I'm glad you won't have to become him. " Smiling, he adds, "Besides, you are like him in the ways that matter. You're just as smart, resourceful, loyal and kind as he had been. That's good enough for me."

"And Obito?"

Raijin closes his eyes. "Even in my future, Obito's primary motivation had been loss born out of love." Opening his eyes, he fixes them on Kakashi. "There is always potential for you guys to turn out like you did in my future, Kashi-kun. Those people used to be you, after all. If you'd had their experiences, you would literally walk the same road. But the fact is that you didn't, and so here we are."

Kakashi's jaw tenses. "You think Obito would get that if you told him?"

For a long moment, Raijin studies the young jounin before him. Then, knowingly, he says, "You're scared he will blame you for Rin's death just as he did in my timeline."

It looks like Kakashi might fight the claim for a second, muscles winding up as though preparing for an argument, but then the fight is leaving his body just as quickly as it came and he's slumping against the railing, looking very much like the teenage boy he is. "He might," he says weakly. "I did fail both of them."

Raijin stares blankly. Does Kakashi's guilt complex seriously extend to shit he supposedly did in an alternate timeline too? "Okay, first of all, no. Rin is very much alive and thriving, and you haven't failed anyone. Neither did Kakashi-sensei, who was a young shinobi in a very tough position and had to watch his friend kill herself to protect the village. Unless he could see the future, there was very little he could have done to save her. Obito's grief and trauma prevented him from seeing that, and he was also actively being manipulated while in isolation and captivity for years. It was just a shitty situation all around but Kakashi-sensei wasn't at fault, and you most certainly aren't either. Do you understand?"

Hesitantly, Kakashi nods and ducks his head, avoiding the piercing blue eyes trying to stare right into his soul. Raijin eyes the boy critically before deciding he'll come back to this later and really hammer it home no matter how many times he has to say it.

"As for Obito-kun," he continues for now, "I don't know if I'm going to tell him or not. Maybe some day when he's a little older and better at keeping secrets. Obito-kun thinks very highly and fondly of you Kakashi; you're one of his most precious people. Even so, however, if he ever tries to give you shit for supposedly letting Rin die in an alternate universe, you tell me and I'll set him straight immediately. You guys had enough angst from that conflict for one lifetime. I am not living through the same drama again."

Huffing a reluctant laugh, Kakashi rolls his eyes. "Sure," he says, "whatever. Do what you want."

He doesn't say 'Thank you.' Raijin smiles and ruffles his hair anyway, knocking their shoulders together.

They watch the sun set on another day together.

By the time Rin arrives to the training ground, her teammates are already covered in dirt and wrestling like children on the ground while Raijin's foxes excitedly try to smother them indiscriminately in excited affection and copious amounts of fur.

She snorts and shakes her head at them, skirting around the mess and going off to the side where Raijin is seated on the ground, occupied with scribbling in a little brown notebook. He looks up when he senses her approach, face breaking into a pleasant smile. She wonders if he hasn't noticed the stain of baby formula on his soft blue haori or if he just doesn't care.

"Hello, Rin-chan!" he greets, waving. "Haven't seen you around since I returned. Congratulations on making jounin. Sorry I wasn't around to see it happen myself."

She beams back at him, her new jounin vest a pleasant weight on her shoulders. "Thanks, Raijin-san. Do you mind if I sit with you?" He shakes his head, patting the space beside him in an invitation she is quick to accept. "What were you doing?"

"Oh, this?" He runs a finger down the worn spine of the notebook. "I've kind of gotten into the habit of recording happy moments like this. So I can always look back on them if I ever feel like I'm forgetting."

Rin blinks. "Like a diary?"

"Sure!" Absently, Raijin twirls his pen on the tips of his fingers. "I lost all my loved ones before I came here, you know, and I don't think I ever really stopped and took the time to mourn them until I...ran away, I guess. And then I totally freaked out because I couldn't remember all the things I used to be able to recall about them so easily, so I started writing it all down before I forgot even more, and now it's kind of a habit."

She hums, considering this. In the background, a large black fox drops itself decisively on Obito's face.

"How did you manage to move on from something like that?" she asks quietly, threading her fingers through the blades of glass. "When we thought Obito-kun was dead, it felt like the world stopped turning in the blink of an eye. I don't know how Kakashi-kun and I would have kept going if you hadn't brought Obito back."

Raijin makes a vague sound in his throat and shrugs. "You would have learned to live with it eventually," he says knowingly. "Life doesn't stop happening even when it feels like it does. I guess you could try and stay stuck in the same place but nothing is going to stop and wait around for you. There will always be another tomorrow whether you like it or not. Standing still was never an option for me anyway. It's hard, but I live every day for them. Because of them."

"Even when it feels like nothing is worth it?" Rin asks, mostly out of curiosity.

Half-smiling, Raijin tilts his head. "What does worth have to do with living?"

Rin doesn't know what to say to that. "But doesn't it make you afraid?"

"Afraid of?" Raijin prompts.

She shrugs. "Dying. Living. Loss. After Obito, I was terrified I'd end up losing Kakashi and Minato-sensei too. Did you never fear that letting someone else in would just mean more potential grief down the line?"

If she'd been in his position, Rin doesn't think she would have been strong enough to carry on. Raijin lost every single one of his friends according to Kakashi, but he has still found it within himself to not only move on, but to forge new bonds too, even though he has to know that their shinobi lifestyle makes it that much more likely that he'll lose someone else again.

But he's smiling now and shaking his head. "Everyone dies eventually, Rin-chan. My teacher used to call it just another way to pass the time. It's inevitable, and I suppose it's natural to fear what you don't know or understand, but—" He pauses, thinking. "It might depend from person to person, I guess, but I think we are all unavoidably drawn to love. Wired to crave it even against our will sometimes. It's always possible that something will go wrong, but I think most of us end up wanting to take that risk anyways. If you isolate yourself, hide from the world and from love, make it so you know no one and no none knows you, will you truly have existed?"

"Of course!"

"But there will be no lasting proof." Raijin's smile softens around the edges as he looks to the far end of the training field where the rest of the Namikaze family is just arriving. "We are seen and heard and known and, therefore, we exist," he says quietly. "This too is love."

Rin stares. "Oh."

Turning to her with light dancing in his eyes, Raijin says, "As for living on; it's not much of a choice if you know you don't want to die, but it's not nearly as complicated as some people make it out to be either. I'll let you in on a secret, Rin-chan: there's no great meaning or secret to existence. We are not placed here for some divine higher purpose. We simply are. Morality and worth don't really have anything to do with it—they're constructs of civilisation, and they have their place, sure, but this isn't one of them. Whoever you are, whatever you have lived through, the world will offer itself to you. You can hide yourself and try to miss a day or even a year, but there will always be more. The sun will keep rising, the hills will still be there, the trees will keep bearing fruit. You don't have to be good for that. You don't have to need to have any answers. You just have to allow yourself to love what you love without abandon."

Blinking hard, Rin laughs, a little out of breath from just listening. "Maybe you should become a philosopher, Raijin-san. You'd be good at it."

Raijin laughs at that too, throwing his head back as he does. "Maybe," he agrees. "Did that get a bit too complicated for you?"

"A little bit," she admits, scratching at her cheek.

Humming, Raijin turns to watch as his foxes chase Rin's teammates around much to Kushina's delight which in turn delights Naruto. Minato looks fondly exasperated s he calls for everyone to be careful like they aren't all seasoned shinobi.

"It's simple really," Raijin says. He's smiling again, though it doesn't seem like he realises it. "You'll give me half of your pain, and I will give you half of mine. Like this, we will have loved, and so, we will have lived."

Meanwhile, the world goes on.

Notes:

Is this story about the enduring of love and how it gives meaning to one's continued existence? It always has been.

We only have an epilogue to go now, which is so surreal. Raijin's story is officially over at this point. Thank you all so much for making it to this point with me. I'll see you soon for our final goodbyes :)