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Chapter 3: they can't handle my problems

Jiraiya is going to have the mother of all fits. It's going to be a meltdown so unbelievably spectacular that he's going to give himself an aneurysm and just straight up die immediately. 

And it's all because of some stupid fucking kid whose name Jiraiya still doesn't know because he can't find the goddamned brat no matter which contact he asks or what trail he follows. 

It's almost like the kid just fell out of the sky one day, got up, and chose violence. 

It all began when he'd been in one of his favourite civilian districts in Land of Water, meeting up with Ishikawa—one of the few of his regular contacts that actually knows his true identity, and an ex-shinobi in his early fifties who runs a tea shop with his family now. Ishikawa makes great tea, loves to gossip, and he has been Jiaiya's contact since a mission gone wrong years ago, back when he had still been in his early twenties. 

They'd started with aimless chatter, catching up as friends first as has long been routine for them. Ishikawa then reported a few rumours he had picked up from his largely shinobi clientele, and Jiraiya carefully parsed through the information for what might be relevant to Konoha now or later down the line. 

"Come to think of it," Ishikawa started thoughtfully once he'd finished his report, "there's a new bounty hunter making noise in the circles lately."

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Ishikawa hummed, sipping from his cup. "Indeed. Supposedly, he's rather strong for someone who just showed up a few weeks ago."

"How strong?"

Calmly meeting his gaze, the elder man simply said, "Strong." He put his cup down. "He's the one who turned in Suna's Scorpion Twins, you know. They might only be B-rank shinobi but they're damn slippery. Rumour has it, he's also the one who got Kiri's Red Death."

Whistling, Jiraiya leaned back. "He got Akari Seiya? Seriously?" That's an A-rank shinobi, bordering on S-rank depending on how much sand he had access to.

Ishikawa shrugged. "Allegedly, yes."

"Where did this guy come from? Is he a nukenin?"

At this, Ishikawa shook his head. "That's just the thing. No one seems to know anything about him aside from that he looks Lightning, talks too much for his own good, and has abnormal amounts of chakra. Apparently, he might not even be out of his teens yet."

That had been enough to intrigue Jiraiya who has always enjoyed the challenge of solving a good puzzle. It has been a while since a strong shinobi who has no clear affiliations with any village turned up, especially with the ongoing war resulting in more and more people being drafted. And it certainly isn't everyday that you hear of such a young bounty hunter taking on and defeating shinobi with twice his experience under their belts. So he's curious and bored enough to do something about it; sue him. 

Except Ishikawa hadn't been lying when he'd said that no one seems to know anything about the kid who Jiraiya balefully nicknames 'Menace' in his own head. There is no name, no family, no friends and no history to be found. The only thing he does find is a growing list of people who'd like to string the blond up by the balls for a vast variety of transgressions. It's almost as though the kid didn't exist anywhere until he just turned up out of the blue one day with an ill-timed sense of humour and the Scorpion Twins tied up at his feet. 

Jiraiya finds himself getting invested as he tends to when he really starts to fixate on a project. It's a bit thrilling at first, when he feels like a detective on the hunt for clues about who this boy might be. Then he finds out that Menace has probably been setting up an information network of his own, even making contact with a few of Jiraiya's own sources, and he's even more intrigued. 

He thinks he gets close sometimes, but none of Menace's trails seem to lead anywhere. It's like he exists in multiple places at the same time only to poof out of existence once he's done with what he wanted. Jiraiya is pretty certain they're all clones of some sort but that implies some pretty terrifying things about the kid's chakra reserves, even for how 'abnormal' rumour says they are.

However, the reason Jiraiya is particularly irritated today, after consistently getting nowhere with this project, is because it has just been confirmed to him that he is being purposefully led around in circles by the brat. He has suspected for a while now, but he hadn't wanted to be confronted with the idea of that.

"He knows you've been looking for him," his contact told him only an hour ago, eyeing him warily. "I think he finds it funny."

It had been a bit of a last straw moment for the prideful Toad Sage to find out he was being led around by the nose by some mouthy little shit who probably can't even grow hair on his face yet. So, Jiraiya decides the kid can go fuck himself and he puts the whole project on hold indefinitely. 

Or, at least, that had been the plan. 

But then, barely a week later, Jiraiya finds out that Menace went and ended the brewing civil war in Ame before it could properly even start, and he can't decide if he wants to laugh or cry.

He should've known, he thinks mournfully to his sake cup. As soon as he found out the kid was blond, he should have expected that he'd be left wanting to rip his own hair out by the end of this. He knows his luck never holds up well against them but it's almost like he's incapable of learning this particular lesson.

There was the gorgeous, curvy blonde waitress in Wave who'd tried her damndest to cut off his balls that one time. Or the kunoichi from Suna with the plush lips who poisoned him when they made out. The tall, slender chunin with his long blond hair from Iwa who attempted to stab Jiraiya after giving him some of the best head of his life. Of course, there's Tsunade with her casual brand of tough love and long list of attempts on his life over their years as teammates. And, last but certainly not least, Minato who easily has everyone else on Jiraiya's list beat by a large margin when it comes to shaving years off his life—and he claims to this day that he doesn't intend for Jiraiya to get caught up in his failed sealing experiments so often, but Jiraiya has his suspicions. That kid is one conniving brat and he's petty as all hell even if no one believes Jiraiya when he tries to tell them this. 

So, yeah, Jiraiya has never had the best track record with people whose hair colour is any variation of yellow, and you'd really think he would know better by now. 

Too bad time travel doesn't exist. If it did, he'd go back out of sheer spite and punch Ishikawa for telling him the rumour that kicked this off in the first place. 

For once, it isn't Raijin's fault when things don't go according to plan. He did his best, okay? But Hanzo-of-the-motherfucking-Salamander just had to go throw everything off track, and Raijin had ended up having to improvise anyway. 

See, the initial idea was that once he gains enough notoriety and builds up his mercenary reputation as a certified badass, he could approach the currently sane and peaceful version of Akatsuki and offer to help them take down Hanzo, thus preventing the civil war in Amegakure and making sure Nagato never has to become Pain because Yahiko's death would be avoided. Akatsuki could then stage a coup, take over, negotiate with the surrounding countries to become a neutral territory and stay out of the war by closing their borders, and it would save everyone a whole lot of trouble.

It was a sound plan. A good one, even. It almost worked and everything. 

He'd managed to get the Ame Orphans to meet with him and, sure, they'd been wary and Yahiko had been kind of an ass at first, but that was totally fin!. Raijin has dealt with people who are wary and kind of assholish his whole life. He's basically a pro!

So, he played to his strengths and bullied them into having an actual conversation with him where he then proceeded to rant about his hopes for world peace (he can give that speech in his sleep now, heh), and essentially convinced them to let him help them in ending Hanzo's reign of arrogance and terror so they could then focus on fortifying their borders and keep Ame from becoming the homeground for the Five Great Shinobi Villages' war. 

He would even go as far as to say that the trio maybe even tentatively liked him by the end of their discussion. Hell, he is basically an honorary Akatsuki member and, wow, if that isn't a surreal thought. 

But because he can't ever have things just be easy for him, the moment that Raijin sets foot outside of Akatsuki's immediate territory, he gets ambushed and then promptly abducted. 

His abductor? Hanzo of the Salamander, a.k.a, legend of the shinobi world and famously one of the strongest ninja. Like, ever. 

Now, not to brag, but Raijin is pretty damn strong himself. He has spent the better half of the past two years fighting the likes of Uchiha Madara and a literal alien goddess. There just isn't any going back from stuff like that. But Kurama is still pretty much comatose in his seal after being forced to power Raijin's little tryst through time which kind of puts a dent in his arsenal of jutsu for really strong opponents. Not to mention that he hasn't exactly tried Sage Mode since his trip and he doesn't know how it's going to work since his contract with the toads doesn't technically exist yet. It shouldn't really matter, since it doesn't change that he knows how to gather natural chakra, but he doesn't know how he's going to explain having a Sage Mode without having a contract in the first place. 

So, a few unforeseen problems here. He's sure it will all work out.

His first order of business as a kidnapee: get the hell out of his bindings and raise absolute hell for those of Hanzo's lackeys who've been unfortunate enough to be tasked with transporting him into Hanzo's evil lair of doom. To absolutely nobody's surprise, Raijin is really quite good at raising hell. Step one of his newly improvised plan is executed flawlessly. He's almost starting to have fun with it when Hanzo himself shows up. 

New, new plan: Don't get killed by the Salamander guy. 

Which also isn't hard. Raijin isn't looking to necessarily defeat the guy right now; he's just searching for an opportunity to get the hell away. He is more than strong enough to hold his own against Hanzo, who surprisingly isn't all what the stories made him out to be even if his poison is still a massive bitch to deal with while Raijin's healing factor is down thanks to a lack of assistance from his furry tenant. 

Did Hanzo get weaker with age or something? Did he get overconfident and stop sharpening his skills?

There is a lull in the fight where they both retreat to catch their breath and eye the other warily. Raijin casts a quick glance around and grimaces. His exit is at Hanzo's back. Seriously, this could not get any worse. 

"Very impressive, young shinobi," Hanzo rasps out, watching Raijin with the sharp eyes of an experienced shinobi. "Not many are able to match me in an even fight. Even less so when they are as young as you."

Raijin wrinkles his nose slightly and opens his mouth, immediately wishing he'd kept it shut when he ends up blurting out, "No offence, but I kind of thought you'd be better than this."

Hanzo's eyes narrow, the malicious effect being amplified thanks to his respirator. "Watch your mouth, child," he growls in warning. 

'Yeah, okay, deserved,' he thinks, cringing to himself. Or maybe he's cringing in pain because he has definitely broken a rib or two and he's really hoping they don't stab his spleen or something. That would suck. Displaced fractures take surgery and so long to heal without Kurama helping speed up the process. He's already going to need to avoid conflict for a few weeks to heal. 'Okay, Raijin, keep him talking. You need to catch your breath without internally stabbing your own lungs.'

"Can I ask you something?" he says, because he can sometimes exercise caution and be polite. Like, once every five months or something. Look, he had to raise himself and he has done his best. He could have turned out a lot worse and had rabies instead of simply lacking a brain to mouth filter. You have to cut your losses at some point. 

Hanzo looks like he might be frowning, but honestly, it's hard to tell with the respirator hiding so many of his features. "Very well, boy. What is it?"

Nice. Raijin's favourite enemies are the ones who entertain his bullshit. "Why have you kidnapped me?"

At this, Hanzo blinks. Raijin thinks he might have thrown him off but he can't be sure. "I did not want you joining hands with that rebel group."

To the point and everything. 'Hanzo, there may be hope for you yet, buddy.'

"Rebel group," Raijin repeats slowly. "What did the Akatsuki even do to you?"

A deep crease appears between Hanzo's eyes, and that Raijin can definitely read. He has had that stare of baffled aggravation directed at him many, many times. "They are rebels ," Hanzo stresses, and Raijin deepens his defensive stance when it looks like the guy might go back to trying to wipe him off the face of the planet. "They are planning on overthrowing my power, and you were planning on aiding them in this."

Which isn't wrong, but that also isn't the point of the current Akatsuki to be fair. 

"They don't have anything against you personally," Raijin says, semi-lying. More like outright lying actually. "They just want peace and they're trying to convince people to help them achieve it. As in, world peace." Pausing, he frowns in thought. "Why'd you think they wanted to overthrow you?"

As far as he knows, Pain only got rid of Hanzo after the latter directly caused Yahiko's death. Before that, Hanzo hadn't ever been a target so much as the biggest hurdle in Akatsuki's path. The civil war started with Yahiko killing himself on Nagato's blade because of what Hanzo did to the Ame Orphans with his whole abduction scheme. Akatsuki's current grievance against Hanzo is that the man refuses to close Ame's borders out of pride which lets the other villages use it as their battleground and causes damage to the civilians more than anyone else. Up until now, they've been trying to petition for a closed territory and help refugees without actively seeking conflict. There shouldn't be much reason to see them as rebels. 

Hanzo falters. Raijin lets him process in peace. He does tend to have that effect on the people he fights with. 

Finally, the elder shinobi says, "Their movements are suspicious. The meetings with other shinobi and secrecy makes it clear they are planning something. They are a group of talented young ninja with an agenda–"

"The agenda being peace," Raijin interrupts smoothly. "Not even in a political way. Just a purely social agenda. They're meeting with other people who feel the same way they do like any non-profit organisation does. Not to be rude, but their whole thing really isn't about you. They're just trying to help the people of their nation."

The other man pauses, straightening. He takes on an air of quiet contemplation, so Raijin wisely keeps his mouth shut and instead starts slowly edging towards the door so he can be closer to the exit for his own peace of mind. 

"I– I knew that," Hanzo says eventually. "I liked what they were doing. I remember being glad."

Oh? This is news to Raijin. Although given what he has heard about ROOT's involvement in Yahiko's death, he has a good idea on who might be involved. Hint: Their name starts with a 'D-' and ends with '-anzo'. "What changed?"

Hanzo frowns the frown of all frowns. Raijin doesn't even need to be able to see it to know it's there. "I…stopped believing."

"In Akatsuki?"

"In peace."

Well, Raijin can probably try to fix that. He certainly does it often enough. He takes a deep breath and readies his trusty speech. 

His speech worked. Again. Obviously. It's practically foolproof. 

It's not what he'd been planning on, but as he watches the Ame Orphans and Hanzo awkwardly come to a mutual agreement regarding their ideals and agendas and plans for Ame's future, he decides he likes it better this way. He knew his improvisation skills wouldn't fail him now. 

"You," Hanzo says abruptly, turning his piercing stare to Raijin. "Your name?"

He has to blink and swallow the instinctive answer that wants to come out. "Raijin," he pronounces carefully instead. 

Hanzo seems pleased, nodding in approval. "An auspicious name for a shinobi of your calibre," he says. "I owe you much for reminding me of my convictions, Raijin. In exchange, I shall bestow upon you a title."

Holy shit, he's getting a Hanzo-issued title of his own! 

"You shall be known as Kogane no Arashi," Hanzo announces decisively. Does he come up with these on the fly? It's very impressive. The Ame Orphans look from the elder shinobi to Raijin with wide eyes. "You must improve your skills even further. I will keep an ear out to hear your title being used. One day, we shall fight again to test your strength."

Golden Storm, huh? He can't say he doesn't like it. 

Raijin grins and it is all teeth. "I look forward to it."