Chapter 51. KILLJOY.

Aaaaaand who are we introducing today?

Meet Ser Riley Kilo and her partner, Bruticus. She's a plucky go-getter and he's an existential threat to organic punks everywhere. They're sugar and spice, and a potential thermonuclear detonation if your reality isn't up to code.

Play nicely wizards, or else!

HERE COMES THE LAW.

The sound of a rooster crowing directly into her ear caused Riley Kilo to awaken with a start and also caused her to stumble out of her bed to the cold wooden floor,

"Graaah! What the hell!" she said as she stared around the room with wild eyes after assuming a defensive position with her ring out. "Bruticus? Was that you?"

"Yes," said an extremely deep and unpleasantly aggressive-sounding voice.

"Why did you do that?" she demanded as she stood up, and gingerly rubbed her forehead where she'd accidentally smacked it against the floor. "That freakin' hurt!"

"Good. Let your momentary pain be a reminder to immediately awaken when your preset alarm activates."

"And you had to scream in my ear over that?" Riley asked with a frown growing on her brow.

"I didn't have to. I wanted to. Punctuality can be a matter of life or death on the battlefield."

"In exactly what way?"

"I may be forced to terminate you in the future if you refuse to awaken when I tell you to."

"Bruticus, have any of your previous partners ever called you a mean asshole before?"

"Every single one of them," he said in a thoroughly pleased tone of voice.

"Yeah, I bet," Riley muttered. She stood on her tiptoes and stretched her arms toward the ceiling. Then she fell forward and began doing a set of pushups to warm up her body and get the sleepiness pushed out of her head. Bruticus was being a pain like always, but her partner made a good point. She wasn't in the academy anymore, she had to start exercising better awareness of her surroundings. In a serious situation, Bruticus would have her back, but it wasn't fair to put everything on him.

She wasn't a cadet anymore. Big girls carried their own weight.

"Ser Riley. The human male you rutted with last night has awakened and is currently observing you. Would you like me to terminate him?"

"What?!" Riley said in alarm before jumping to her feet with an embarrassed blush on her face. She was a pretty girl with a head of blazing red hair cut short that perfectly complimented her pale skin and freckles. She was currently dressed in underwear and a T-shirt and had assumed she'd gone to bed alone last night.

That was apparently not the case.

"Did we really?" she asked in a high-strung voice.

"Yes, you did."

"Why didn't you stop me?"

"You were highly inebriated and told me to piss off and let you have some fun."

"And you listened to me?!"

"You are my commanding officer, after all."

"Are you certain we—"

"Would you like me to activate a [Black Light]?"

"Daaaaaamn you!" Riley cried out ferociously while shaking an angry fist toward the sky.

"Who're you talking to?" asked the man in her bed.

Riley turned to him and saw to her absolute horror that he was handsome and fit-looking but also very youthful. Too youthful! She pounced on him in a state of near-panic, and with her face inches from his, asked him desperately: "Hey, buddy! Uh, how old are you?"

(Oh God, please be eighteen, oh God, please be eighteen, oh God, please be eighteen…)

"I'm nineteen," he said with a smirk.

"Hallelujah!" Riley cried out rapturously to the heavens while hopping on the bed in ecstatic relief. Then she paused, suddenly suspicious, and pointed her hand at the man. "Say that one more time, please."

"Uh, I'm nineteen," he repeated.

"Bruticus, [Lie Detector]."

"He's telling the truth, Ser Riley," Bruticus promptly informed her. He sounded disappointed that she wasn't going to continue freaking out.

Riley collapsed on the bed, now suddenly exhausted. "Bruticus, add honey mead to the list of things I hereby refuse to ever again drink in excess."

"Why bother? You'll break your vow the moment it inconveniences you."

"Lies!" Riley said with great personal determination. "From now on, I am a good girl and vow to live as such from here on out!"

"Okay," said her bedmate as he quickly stood up and dressed. "Well, uh, I'll see myself out, okay? You have a good day."

"Huh?" Riley said as she sat up and swept her bangs out of her eyes. "Hey, uh, have you had breakfast yet?"

"Well, y'know, I kind of ditched my crew to hang out with you, so I should go meet up with them. I mean, I had fun, but uh, I can see you've…got a lot going on," he said.

"What? No, I've got nothing going on! I mean, if you change your mind…" Riley said.

"Yeah, no, I'm probably not going to do that. But hey, have a good one," said the man as he quickly walked out of the inn room, leaving Riley by herself.

"Well, that could have gone better," she sighed to herself.

"That could have gone MUCH better," Bruticus agreed. "I feel embarrassed for you, Ser Riley. If I were an inferior organic lifeform, I would give serious consideration to self-deletion after a rejection like that."

"You're a real pal, do you know that?" Riley asked him with a cocked eyebrow.

"I am a rose that blooms in all seasons," Bruticus said loftily.

"You know plants grow out of shit too, right?" Riley said in annoyance. Then she flopped onto her stomach and wearily declared that she was going back to sleep.

"Do as you wish. But the battle royale begins in forty minutes. Your bedmate will be participating."

"What battle royale?" Riley asked irritably.

"You signed up to participate last night while inebriated. It's a national contest to find a temporary replacement for the so-called Paladin of the North while the current one recuperates from wounds received in battle."

"Why would I do something as dumb as that?" Riley wondered to herself.

"Because you were trying to impress Eric with your prowess. You said I could do that, I'm SUCH a badass!"

"Did I really say that?" she asked him meekly.

"You did. I don't have a body so I could not cringe on your behalf. I would have, though. I would have."

"Who the hell is Eric?"

"The boy who just patronizingly dumped you moments ago after your one-night stand."

"Oh," Riley said. "Well, I suppose I should kick his ass then, at the very least."

"I currently have him targeted. At your command, I will erase him from existence with a devastating air-to-surface strike."

"What's the projected collateral damage?"

"Extensive."

"Denied."

"You're the only one who gets to have fun," Bruticus complained.

"Yeah, well, I'm the one wearing the forge ring, pal," smirked Riley Kilo, Knight-Binary-minor of the order of forge knights.

"Set me up a [shower], will you? I guess we have a contest to win."

==

Half an hour later, Riley made her way to the staging grounds of the tournament, sipping a mug of hot cocoa, and watching everyone getting ready for battle. She was now dressed in belted trousers, a pair of worn but comfortable boots, and a jerkin, over which she wore the traditional red cloak of her order.

She didn't think she stood out too much, but from the glares that she was receiving from her mostly male competitors, it was easy to guess that women didn't commonly participate as combatants in this sort of thing.

"Well, look at me, breaking the ceiling for the ladies," she smirked to herself while continuing to enjoy her sweet drink. "I guess that makes me a pioneering girl boss! How about that, Bruticus?"

"Unlikely," her ring's artificial intelligence said scornfully. "The prior paladin was also a woman of considerable ability, as are two of the remaining three."

"Huh?" Riley asked in confusion. "Then why is everyone flashing me such shitty expressions?"

"You're dressed in male clothing and sipping cocoa. Your opponents may consider your attitude and demeanor irreverent and disrespectful of their warrior traditions."

"Wow. These stage-two civilizations really like falling back on those boring old tropes, huh?" she asked. When she finished with her drink, she promptly created a [Waste basket] to dispose of her cup, then [Recycled] both back into the soil.

After that, she wandered around the area, saying hello to the various participants who responded with either creatively descriptive threats or cold silence. Eventually, she found Eric and gave him a wry grin when he was startled at the sight of her.

"Hey, bud. Relax. From what I remember of it, last night was fun," she said to him casually. "You don't have to run. We're copacetic, trust me."

"Oh. Okay, good," Eric said, breathing out a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry if I was…uh, abrupt. You were just talking to yourself a bunch, and I was a little unsure of what was happening."

"Yeah, I'm a little out there," Riley said with a shrug.

"So, you're participating in the temple's battle royale, huh?" Eric said. "Listen, don't feel you have to go through with this just to impress me. I'm a seasoned adventurer, you know. And even I'll be in danger with this collection of animals running wild."

"Oh, an adventurer, Riley said admiringly. "That sounds like a cool job. Gathering herbs for healers and collecting wool for farmers. Hey, do you do any escort quests? I hear those are a blast!"

"Uh, I'm a little past the rookie stage," Eric said with a slightly strained smile. "I'm Eric of the Brave Quartet! Surely, you've heard of me. One of the brave survivors of the massacre of Bremburg?"

"Sorry, I'm not familiar with that," Riley said. "I'm a late arrival to this dimension, you could say."

"Well, I'm sort of a big deal, and I've rightfully earned a fair bit of fame," Eric said crossly. "Listen, this brawl is going to get nasty. Being a paladin, even a temporary one, would be a feather in the cap of many a proud warrior. I hope you don't expect me to take it easy on you just because we had a little fun together. That was a pleasure, but this is business."

"Hey, I wouldn't dream of it," Riley said obligingly. "I've got no dog in this race. Maybe I'll just keep the prize money when I win and let the runner-up have the title."

She said this loudly enough to let her voice carry. If the expressions that greeted her earlier were angry before, now they were positively murderous.

"You're not going to make too many friends with an attitude like that," Eric muttered to her before walking away.

"Pfft, their loss. I'm great once you get to know me," Riley said to his departing back.

==

Ten minutes later, a man in ostentatious white robes approached the stage to the cheers and adulation of the rowdy crowd who were excited to see what would surely become the event of the year.

The robed man spoke of past tragedies, and the loss of someone named Dame Fenneth, which had some of the crowd in tears. Next, he spoke of the loss of Bremburg and some kind of invasion that had recently taken place. Honestly, it was all a little difficult for Riley to keep track of.

Finally, the robed man spoke of Bremburg being avenged.

"With the loss of her dear cousin weighing heavily on her heart, and the demons arrogantly massing from the gates of the town to spread their foul miasma throughout our beloved kingdom, Lady Sarah made the decision then and there to turn the tide! With the power of the light to illuminate her path, and the will of the gods to guide her righteous hand, she smote the hellish invaders with relentless divine fury and crushed their fiendish leader in personal combat!"

The crowd cheered uproariously at this part and deliriously chanted the woman's name for nearly a full five minutes. "Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!"

"Man, this old guy is no slouch at spinning a yarn," Riley said. "The order ought to snatch him up for our public relations department. He's got a gift for propaganda."

"He's lying about everything," Bruticus said with absolute certainty. "His heart rate and breathing patterns have given him away. Something is being covered up."

"Could it possibly affect our mission?"

"Unlikely."

"Then it who cares? We're just having some fun while we work," Riley said.

"I hate it when some aether-corrupted demi-human mutant attempts to deceive me," Bruticus seethed. "A mere four thousand years ago, we would have slated the entire population of this mud pit for extermination and sanitized the surface from orbit."

"Jeez, you old-timers really hate magic, don't you, partner?" Riley asked him chirpily.

"It corrupts everything. It distorts reality. It is an abomination. As are all of these creatures assembled here."

"That's a snap judgment, Bruticus. That's why the order sent us here for this surveying gig. However long it takes, we need to ascertain if the people of this world are a potential pan-dimensional threat."

"They are. I recommend immediately initiating extermination protocols."

"Denied," Riley said. "We've only been here for two days, B. Let's try shepherding a little before we jump straight to the butchery."

"Rrrr. Organics always lack resolve."

"When it comes to depopulating a planet? Goddamn right, we do," Riley said with a frown.

They'd warned her before accepting her commission that Bruticus was a hard case. Intractable was practically his middle name. He was a third-generation forge ring and thus older than some solar systems. Normally, such a long-lived and experienced mind would have long since retired from frontline operations to live in harmony with his siblings, as a revered icon of the order.

The reason he didn't was because his siblings despised him. And rightfully so. Bruticus was an ass. He was stubborn, difficult to work with, frequently critical of his partners, and believed resolutely in overwhelming violence as the best possible solution for every possible situation. He was a complete nightmare to be around, and his partnerships rarely lasted longer than a handful of months.

Somehow, Riley had been with the old goat for nearly four years. She'd received him when she was fifteen. Now at the age of nineteen, their partnership had somehow become the longest-lasting relationship either of them had ever been in.

Before being recruited into the order, Riley grew up in a Massachusetts town called Sandwich, which she frequently had to insist to disbelievers was an actual place that existed. She was the only daughter in a tight-knit family with seven older brothers. They never took it easy on her for being a girl, and she learned early on how to use her wits and her fists to survive growing up with a bunch of hockey-loving lunatics who didn't mind sending slap shots in her direction if she couldn't get out of the street in time.

A key part of her boisterous upbringing had been her grandfather, a first-generation American straight from the emerald isle, itself. A kindly, neighborly man for the most part, but also the meanest bastard in town if you caught him on a bad day. Sensing she'd need the help; he'd taken his granddaughter under his wing and instilled in her the values every young person needed to know to get by in this crazy thing called life.

Such as when to elbow an idiot in the throat when he wouldn't back off, and how to offer a credible argument of self-defense if you decided to attack someone from behind with a baseball bat because you caught them wearing a Laker's jersey in public and they wouldn't apologize.

Riley loved her grandfather dearly and missed him when he passed. And so, despite his anti-organic, extremely paranoid, sadism-prone ill sense of humor, alongside his relentless suggestions for species-wide extermination of whatever the local flora and fauna happened to be, Riley got along with Bruticus just fine.

He reminded her of her grandpa. So, he became family.

For his part, Bruticus was extremely suspicious of Riley's willingness to put up with him. But after a while, he merely accepted that she was probably deficient in some manner particular to organics, and so he resolved himself to look out for her. And to mock her at every available opportunity for being inferior to him.

So, in that sense, she became his family as well.

Partnerships can be complex things. Or they can be as simple as two souls connecting in the spirit of true friendship and finding something in the other that they lacked in themselves. Bruticus was an old, mean, bastard. But he was also seasoned, capable, and a ferocious combatant.

Riley could be deadly if the situation called for it, but she was also kind and patient, and willing to accept other people for who they were. She was the first cadet to ever reach the vaunted rank of Knight-Binary before graduating.

Any opponent who underestimated her because of her age did so at dire peril. That no-nonsense aspect of her personality was perhaps why she and Bruticus were able to work so well together.

Sometimes, people just click.

==

"Bruticus, prep a [Stealth Screen], a pair of [Air walkers], a [Matter Phaser], and a [Stun glove]," Riley said as the announcer continued. "Activate them as soon as I snap my finger."

"I recommend aerial support as well. Stealth drones."

"Good idea. Make sure their weaponry is non-lethal."

"FINE," he said grouchily.

"And so, let this battle for glory and honor begin!" the man in white said to rapturous applause.

With that said, a loud bell began to toll thunderously in the background.

Throughout the announcer's speech, Riley had begun slowly backing away from the center of the arena, where the fighting would surely be at its fiercest. Many of her opponents, Eric included, realized what she was doing and began sneering at her in derision. As soon as the bell rang, they turned toward her to attack, sensing easy prey.

The poor, poor things.

Riley smiled at them cheekily and gave them a jaunty wave in farewell. Then she snapped her fingers and vanished from view.

"What the hell?" said the fighter closest to her position, an imposing brute who stood nearly seven feet tall, wielding a massive club. "Where the hell did she go?"

"She's cloaked! It's a rogue's trick," said another. "Just check the sand for her footprints."

"I know that," bellowed the first brute. "There ain't no footmarks! The little cow just vanished!"

Calling a young lady who cares about her personal fitness and engages in regular heavy calisthenics, a little cow, is a cruel thing to do. For his careless words, and in the name of justice for people everywhere who didn't want to be referred to as bovines, Riley poked him on the chest with the finger of her stun glove.

"Bloop!" she said to him.

ZAP!

The overly muscled oaf went sailing through the air and landed, unconscious.

He'd been very close to finding her. It just wouldn't have done him any good. First, her stealth screen masked her perfectly from view. Next, the Matter phasing unit she was using allowed her to walk through solid matter as though it were thin air. The big man had passed through Riley several times and never even noticed.

The air walkers she now wore, were a personal antigravity unit worn like a pair of boots, that levitated her several inches above the ground and allowed her to walk without so much as disturbing a leaf. The sound dampener negated any noise she made, and the stun glove on her left hand was an automatic one-hit knockout. Well, a one-tap knockout, anyway.

If Riley wasn't enjoying herself so much, she could have ended the melee at any time by having her stealth drones open fire with their tranquilizing shots; she could have brought the curtain down on everyone in an instant.

In other words, this was neither a fight nor a competition.

This was just her having a little fun.

==

For the next twenty minutes, Riley sauntered through the midst of the melee, casually poking anyone who caught her eye, pausing to watch one-on-one fights that looked exciting, intervening whenever anyone was ganged up on, only to dispatch the victim herself after his attackers had been defeated, and just generally enjoying the vibe of the moment. She had her earbuds on, she was listening to her tunes, and she was giving considerable thought to whipping up another cup of cocoa.

Yeah, this was a good day.

Soon, the other participants had been whittled down to three other fighters. To Riley's surprise, Eric had been one of them.

"Wow, I guess he was as good as he said he was," she said with mild surprise.

"That just means the rest of them were worse than they realized," said the unimpressed Bruticus.

"Perhaps, but this setup has hilarious possibilities. Deactivate the cloak and the matter phaser and set me up with a [Personal Forcefield]."

"Done," Bruticus said at once.

"Awesome sauce," she said.

The two warriors behind her continued to advance on Eric, who looked tired but determined. The odds weren't looking too good for him when Riley suddenly appeared behind his opponents and crept forward with comically exaggerated motions to tap each one on the shoulder.

"Bloop and bloop," she said smugly as they passed out at her touch. "Heeeey, bud. Looks like it's you and me, huh?" she asked him as the crowd went wild at her sudden appearance.

"How are you this good?" Eric asked her in utter bewilderment.

"I dunno. Born lucky, I guess," she said with a pert shrug of her shoulders.

"Whatever. I said I wasn't going easy on you, and I'm a man of my word. Prepare yourself!" Eric said dramatically as he held up his dagger and shifted into a combat stance.

"Bring it on, pretty boy!" Riley said confidently as she gestured for him to attack. Eric blushed slightly at her terminology but quickly regained his composure and launched himself at her with what surely would have been a devastating flying kick, only to bounce off her personal shielding and land roughly on his back.

Before he could recover, Riley was reaching down towards him with her finger pointed directly at him.

"Bloop!" she said merrily.

==

When Eric recovered from whatever it was that strange girl had done to him, he saw her preening before the audience, happily blowing kisses and drinking in their cheers and adulations, while also sticking her tongue out at the occasional person who booed her.

All around her, the place was in a frenzy. Angry combatants argued with the officials that she couldn't possibly be the winner, that she hadn't fought fair, and that the magic she used was too different, too strange. Meanwhile, the girl kept mugging it for her new fans, clearly having far too much fun.

Eric reluctantly approached her, and said, "Hey."

"Yo," she replied with a barely contained smirk.

"Uh, good job. I guess I underestimated you."

"No worries, it was all good fun," Riley said as she slapped her hand on his shoulder. "Maybe, you'll get me next time, huh?"

"Yeah, Eric said with a slowly growing smile of his own. "Maybe I will."

"That's my dude! Dream big, and big things can happen to you," the girl said cheerfully. "Wanna get a drink later? Like, just a drink, though. I'm not looking for a repeat of earlier. I'm being responsible now."

"Lies."

"Ha, yeah, I get that," Eric said. Then he held out his hand. "Uh, I'm Eric."

"Yeah, I know," she snickered.

"You do?"

"I dislike this idiot."

"Grampa, be nice," Riley said sternly.

"Hmph."

"Huh?" Eric asked in confusion.

"Nothing, nothing," the girl said with some embarrassment. "Anyway, I'm—"

"FOOLS! BLASPHEMERS! DOGS OF THE FALSE DIVINITIES!" screeched a pale young man in a black robe whose voice somehow carried over the entire arena.

"What the heck is going on here?" Riley asked.

"I have no idea," Eric said.

"DO YOU BELIEVE YOURSELVES SAFER NOW THAT YOUR SO-CALLED TEMPLE HAS PICKED A NEW CHAMPION?" continued the man. 'WRONG! WROOOOOOOOONG! YOU HAVE SINNED AGAINST THE SEVENTH KING OF SIN! YOUR VICTORY AGAINST MASTER SLOTH WAS A TEMPORARY REPRIEVE! HE SHALL RETURN! IN ALL HIS UNTHINKABLE GLORY AND WHAT BECAME OF BREMBURG WILL SEEM LIKE A PLEASANT DREAM!"

"I'm starting to think this is a bad guy," Riley said mildly.

"Uh, you think?" Eric asked her. "He's planning something! We've got to stop him!"

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense," Riley said reluctantly. She was the new "Paladin" after all. "Bruticus, give me an honest assessment, no sarcasm, please. How dangerous is he?"

"The target is currently channeling an alarming amount of aetheric energy. I believe he is either preparing to open a dimensional rift or preparing to self-detonate. I sincerely recommend he be terminated at once."

"Damn," Riley said sadly. "Oh, well. He made his choice."

That's really what it always came down to in the end. Choices. Your decisions defined who you were as a person. They also determined how you lived and sometimes, how you died.

No getting around that. This guy had made his choice.

So, Riley made hers as well.

"NOW COMES THE FIRE!" bellowed the deranged man. "FROM THE VERY DEPTHS OF THE ABYSS, I SUMMON A WINGED BEHEMOTH! COME BALROG! COME FORTH AND AVENGE OUR MASTER!"

Behind the man, a rift tore open, a hole in reality the size of a large building, from which emerged a gigantic creature composed of fire, flesh, and darkness. In its hand, it held a bloody flail comprised of many screaming bodies. Its malicious face was terrifying to behold, and at the sight of it, the people were struck dumb with fear.

"LET THE FEAST COMMENCE!" screamed the summoner. "LET ALL SEE THAT THEIR PALTRY LIGHT CAN NEVER PROTECT THEM FROM THE DARKNESS! NOW COMES OUR RETRIBUTION—"

"[Fusion Cannon]," said Riley.

And then there was light. Blinding and terrible, so intense that it overwhelmed the senses of all who beheld it. But when it cleared, the balrog and his summoner were no longer there. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that they were now everywhere.

Just not in any spiritual sense.

"Peace through tyranny achieved," said Bruticus in a deeply satisfied voice.

"Sorry, bud," Riley said in the direction of her newly deceased target, as she set aside the massive weapon that she'd fired. "Although, I'm glad the situation was that easy to sort. I really would have hated to bust out the serious ordinance."

"I think you should fire twice just to be certain," Bruticus advised.

"You are impossible sometimes," Riley sighed.

"What the hell was THAT?" asked the extremely alarmed Eric as soon as his head stopped ringing.

"That? That was just a warning shot," Riley said.

"What kind of damned warning shot was that?!" Eric said fearfully.

"The kind you heed," Riley said. The smile she wore was still friendly, but it was also slightly harder than her earlier ones had been. "We still on for that drink?"

"Who are you?" Eric asked in a daze.

"Oh, right. I'm Riley," she cheerfully said as she helped him to his feet. "You wanna try that honey mead again? That stuff was bonkers good."

"I think you should drink lots of it, Ser Riley. Nothing embarrassing could possibly happen a second time."

"You, hush."

"Killjoy."