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Evolution System

Author: Niggross
ชีวิตในเมือง
Ongoing · 1.1M Views
  • 53 Chs
    Content
  • 3.9
    52 ratings
  • NO.200+
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Synopsis

Young dude gets an evolution system and attempts to live a lazy stable life...

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Chapter 1Navel

On the outskirts of London in a small school named Navel, a young boy was being confronted behind the main building.

"Serves you right for not doing as we told you!"

The three boys blocked the exits as they spoke to him, he trembled and said in a weak voice

.What do you mean, I haven't done anything wrong!?!!

One of the boys kicks him over and spits

"We told you before, stay out of this school and out of our sight or we'll knock your lights out Fam"

He takes his hands out of his pockets and cracks his knuckles in a threatening manner.

"We're gonna teach you a lesson so you won't forget next time"

.I can't stop coming to school though!.

The boy shouts as the 3 approach and start beating him, When he wakes up School has already ended, he pats himself off and tries to cover the cuts, scrapes and wounds with his scraps of clothing.

No one takes notice of him leaving in a pathetic manner, limping out of the school premises as he curses all those around him.

On the way home, people watch and comment on his fat dishevelled appearance and cheap clothing as he waddles back to his house

When he unlocks the door and enters the house he finds his alcoholic mother astride on the floor with a unidentifiable bottle of whisky next to her.

He leaves her lain on the floor as he goes through the hallway, up the stairs and into the bathroom to clean his wounds and take a bath.

A few hours later he is hunched over his computer making grunting noises as his father walks through the door, he almost jumps out of his skin as he rushes to close the various tabs he has open.

His father notices the situation and leaves the room for a couple minutes, when he comes back he knocks on the door and asks in a quiet voice

"Zachary, are you done... surfing the web yet?"

Zach replies in a weak voice

.Err yeah, i was watching a video on WahyTube.

His father walks in without minding the sweat still on Zachs brow, he sits on the bed and says

"I noticed the blood in the sink, maybe you should slow down?...."

.Dad!, i had another fight in school, its not what you think it is.

"I thought you had sorted it out with those kids?"

.They want me to leave school... what is there to sort out!?!.

His father sigh's and says

"Zach, you know We can't afford to move, especially with your mother... Like that."

Zach ignores his fathers words as he continues to play his favourite game Counters Fight

He wonders to himself why did it turn out like this, I gained weight when i was 13 even know i was eating properly. I didn't exercise a lot but was relatively active for my age but i still ended up an Acne ridden obese Otaku with no friends.... Not even my child hood friends want to associate themselves with me for fear of being ousted.

Zach likes to immerse himself in escapism culture, thing like games, novels, manga and other activities that let you ignore the existential existence of everything

He finds himself extremely anxious when it comes to things that make him remember that he is in fact a person, living here and now.

Either way he isn't satisfied with his current life.

He looks at his Father, puts on the biggest smile he can muster and says

.Dad, i know about our situation... its fine, ill deal with it tomorrow... Don't worry.

His Father sigh's

"I know your going through a lot right now but it will get better."

As he leaves he looks at his son playing Counters fight, smiles and closes the door.

Zach thinks his father worries too much, its not like he's going to self harm or some other self-destructive thing in that area... I haven't lost all hope just yet.

He goes to sleep with these thoughts still plaguing his mind

In the middle of the night while Zach sleeps, a shadowy creature covered in a black fog-like mist appears outside of his house. It cradles something in it's arms carefully as it fades into a shadow and slithers up the wall of Zachs house. It stands by his bedside and slowly compresses itself until it disappears.

When Zach wakes up he finds something by his bedside, he looks at it. A four sided object that looks suspiciously like a spinning top called a Dreidel.

.Huh, when did i buy this?.

He quickly forgets about it, brushes his black hair, washes his acne ridden face and starts getting dressed for school.

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Alan_Wafula · ชีวิตในเมือง
3.9
620 Chs

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Randominity
RandominityLv4

This review is only grading for Writing Quality, Story Development, and Character Design, for reasons I will elucidate on later. WRITING QUALITY The author has taken a serious gamble in writing in third-person present tense and I feel it hasn't paid off. This is a personal thing, but I mention it first because it can seriously impact how easily read the work is; third-person past tense is the standard for fiction for reasons. This isn't the reason for my score here, though. I was surprised and shocked in the course of going over this work to discover that it apparently has an editor. If I may make a suggestion, perhaps you should have spent less time arguing over using a pronoun and more time actually proofreading the thing, Mighty Editor. The author's grasp of appropriate punctuation and capitalization is very loose. The confusing convention of bracketing thoughts with periods (yes, I understand Inkstone doesn't allow formatting; there are still other ways to do it) only worsens the presentation when half of the things that should have periods at the end don't. Apostrophes keep getting thrown in where they don't belong. The author has his own creative ways of spelling certain words (phlegm is now flem apparently, for example). All-in-all it's a crapshow that desecrates the mother tongue. I rate this even lower than usual because this is apparently with an editor's assistance. Bad. STORY DEVELOPMENT / CHARACTER DESIGN I am exempting World Background from this review as it is a work using the real world (the stars given are the average of the work). The synopsis is useless. One might think the author of the work is solely relying on the popularity of novels with systems that get updated often enough to carry the work, but that would be cynical of me to suggest so I won't. The author seems to mistake "slang use" for "character". Applied to side characters to denote class/status or used with auxiliaries or a main with more personality than a potato, it's a useful tool. This is not the situation here; the slang is the character here. The main character is a stupid, ugly, dirty, whiny slob. That's his trait list, more or less. There isn't a whit of charm or even something intriguing to care about. The others characters are this but in stiffer cardboard. SUMMARY AND AN EXTRA WORD OR TWO The work is a painful slog through a minefield of bad formatting and creative attempts at reforging the English language anew. The characters could all die in nuclear fire and the world would be better for it. This isn't the same as writing a "love to hate" villain, for the record; they're just that abominable. Why did I not include Stability of Updates? Because I've decided to not rate that anymore when the prose is abominable like it is here. I no longer wish to encourage authors to churn out factory crap at the expense of using a straightforward spelling and grammar checker (again, amazed that this work supposedly has an editor). The other thing I have to note: I'm not sure if this work is a genuine effort anyway. Lazy synopsis, lazy cover, short chapters with zero TLC, and the author seems to launch himself from inflammatory position to inflammatory position in a ball of flame to put the Hindenburg to shame. I'll make no judgment of the various attempts at self-immolation. Instead I'll just note my personal opinion that it's monumentally stupid to insult a major demographic base for the site, which largely draws from an audience in SE Asia. Whether troll work or genuine, I would not recommend this to anybody for anything except a master class on what not to do. If this is indeed a parody of the "low effort system novel" trend, I do not want to encourage any more of it. If it is genuinely written, I still do not want to encourage any more of it. I just want the pain to stop.

Fruittella
FruittellaLv5
DervThePerv
DervThePervLv5
Aragami9
Aragami9Lv6
Chr100
Chr100Lv14

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