Chapter 3: Lustful Secrecy (narrator)

Roman awoke, his skin was sticky and covered in a goopy black sludge. He was almost stuck to his bed, he felt as if he was sinking, drowning in the substance. He couldn't breathe, his lungs began to contract and tighten, his limbs clinging tightly to his body and his face becoming bright red as his felt himself suffocating, until he opened his mouth and realized that his face was still perfectly clean, he felt no sensation of weight on his face. He tried to pull his frail body up and off the black paint, but it almost felt as if it was peeling of his skin, still he used all his strength to pull his body up and out of the paint. The paint stretched as if it was another layer of skin that began to stretch out and pull at the liver spots that covered his back. As he pushed the weight of his body forward the paint stretched into a goopy stringy mass. He curved his spine into his chest and The paint starched the skin on his back and as the stringy substance became thinner is slowly ripped off hi skin. He pulled his arms out of the sludge and used his arms to pull his legs out of the goopy sludge.

Roman had often found himself in this sort of a situation, his now senile and fragile life seemed to have driven him through continuous spiral, of what to some would be considered descending into insanity, but to Roman this was a spiritual experience in which he had been communicating with the younger versions of himself. Roman was not insane by any means, it might have been a result of his senile age, but he never saw himself as insane. He was a shell of a man due to the intense regret that he had for his previous decisions in his life. He was disgusted by his senile age and so his mind allowed him to see himself as he wanted to, as a young man. His age had done nothing but created a cacophony of voices, those of his late lovers, his father, himself in many different periods of himself, but recently he had been coming in contact with a being he had never seen before. Nonetheless this terrifying being was undeniably familiar to him, almost as if this was a version of himself that he had created. A result of the terrifying guilt that filled his reflection. This figure had carried all his regret within the folds of it's skin. It knew exactly who he was and confronted him with the reality of his age, the fact that he could no longer accept thin, pale, skin that wrapped around his head, he was confronted with the his life entirety and that was the most horrifying concept Roman had ever considered.

Roman sat up on the edge of his bed and reached for a long oak cane that he was supposed to be using for his now very weak back. His back ached today more than ever before, he reached his sludgy arm out and used the cane to pull his shivering body up. He slowly hobbled his weak body over to his bathroom, his paint covered feet left black foot prints from his bed to the bathroom. His feet where long and his toes, where lengthly and he haven't cut his nails in for as long as he could remember. His body was unrecognizable and covered in the black sludge. He felt content with his inability to see himself in the now dried and pitch black mirror. He smiled and began to slowly take off his garments, he set his goopy garments in the sink and sat himself down in the bathtub. He turned the handle of the shower head to the left and water came out and produced a shiver down his spine. Roman enjoyed the feeling of striking cold, they allowed him to awake, he watched as the water tuned black and slid down the drain. He leaned his head back on the wall and outstretched his legs and arms in the water, he slid down into the tub that seemed to fit his lengthly body. One of the the first things Roman did after retiring was construct a bathtub that would fit his entire lengthly body, it was a trivial thing to some, Roman spent a lot of time outstretched in his bathtub, it was one of the things that reminded him of his life as a young man, when he was determined and had purpose. He'd accomplished that which he had always wanted, to retire comfortably, yet he was never satisfied with anyone or anything. Not even now in his senile age wasn't satisfied, in his regretful existence Roman could do nothing but cry for his past self. He cried for the lovers he had sacrificed to have this kind of a life. A wealthy life, and a lonely, vain existence.

He remembers his first lover, he is reminded of the secrecy and the passion and the tears that they shared. Sebastian Solas, the captain of his high school soccer team. His hair was a deep chestnut brown, it was a silky and smooth. It hung low to the center of his back. Sebastian's abdomen carved by Leonardo Di Vinci, every curve of his chest and abdomen flowing downward like a river that created a diversion that separated and connected back again at his crotch. His body was like a medical sculpture a beautiful description of the male form. Roman would watch him as he ran, the way his muscles seemed to oppose with every stride. Roman saw Sebastian as artwork, almost as if he was a sculpture. His skin was a smooth swarthy hazelnut, and his eyes were like skinny emeralds that melted into a sea foam green. The sight of Sebastians body whispered sweet nothings into Romans ears but he had a fear of this feeling.

Roman went to a catholic boarding school called Saint Antonio's. His school followed a very strict regime, the curriculum centered around liturgical practices. His faith had always told him that there was no such thing as real love between to men, only sinful lust. Ironically Roman went to an all boys school, inevitably filled with the most lustful of sinners including the priests themselves, there was an underlying homo-eroticism about staring at Jesus a beautifully crafted man in the nude. He couldn't help but discover that Roman himself was a 'sinner'. He was reminded of his sinful desires when he stared at the other boys manly hood in the showers. He felt an immense guilt, he believed he would go to hell for his desires but he still couldn't obliterate this sweet ardor that the masculine form had invoked within him. He couldn't deny his craving to be held by another man. He longed for an passionate flames of sensuality between him and Sebastian.

<i>His lustrous eyes whispered sensual secrets to me, secrets that I wish to unlock and submerge my body within, even if i cannot have love with this man let me have lust. Dear God forgive me for this lustful and sinful thoughts, but why would you create such a delectable being. I do not know what I did to become such a sinner good lord but, let me love him. I would do anything for you to allow me to love him Lord. I beg of you. </i>

In his age he remembers his only love with a lonely heart and a faith lost.

"Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian."

Roman whispered to himself with tears in his eyes.

"I love you."