Chapter Thirty-four

Enid heard that creak and she took a big breath in through her nose, lifting her head and searching to see what it was. Ivar stood there, a pack on his shoulder and his axe in one hand, but he wasn't the one that had made the noise. Freya took another step down on the ladder, not turning to look at him, her shoulders stiff and raised as Ivar watched, waiting a moment longer before he sighed and put down his gear, and then he reached for her, holding her there on the ladder to his chest and kissing the top of her head.

"I do love you, Freya," he whispered.

"I know that…" Freya mumbled, and Enid felt it again, that smile curling at the corners of her lips as she laid her head back down on the cot. It felt good to see them like that, to see them soft and quiet and needing nothing else but this house and each other.

"It's just for the day," Enid heard him say. "Look after the others for me. I'm counting on you."

"I will, far."

Enid heard Ivar put her down, heard him lift up his pack and sigh again, and before long she heard the door close quietly behind him. For a moment longer Enid was happy and she'd forgotten that hollowness that shifted the earth from under her whenever he was gone, but then it came back and she almost sat up, wanting to busy herself with the day so that it'd be over quicker, and then she felt something pressing into the cot as Freya curled up against her.

"I don't like it when he lies," Freya whispered, and Enid reached a hand down, brushing the back of Freya's head as the girl buried her face into Enid's stomach.

"Sometimes people lie to protect the ones they care about."

"Well they shouldn't," Freya snapped, lifting her head to glare at Enid, but then Frigga stirred beside them, making them both freeze and turn to stare and wait until she was back asleep.

"Probably not," Enid nodded. "But you trust him, don't you? So you have to trust that he's doing what's best for you."

"But you don't lie to us," Freya said, and Enid laughed then, a laugh that was soft, a laugh that was light.

"I don't have anything to lie about," she said. "And if I did, you'd catch me quickly and… my God sent us ten rules to follow, one of those is to not tell lies, so I try not to."

Freya snorted, diving to bury her face in Enid's stomach and mumbling, "For once your god is better… Do you really believe that he sent his son to die for you?"

"I do."

"Then he must really love you," Freya said, and Enid froze, a small smile on her lips, her hand on Freya's head.

It made her happy to hear Freya say that, for her to finally understand all that Enid had been trying to explain, but some part of her was also heavy and sad. It was only now, with these children bound so tightly to her that she understood the true weight of that sacrifice and she didn't think that she could ever do the same and give up these children for the souls of others.

Her heart leapt to her throat, making her reach for her chest and stare out with eyes that were wide and saw nothing, and after that sacrifice she was here, living with these Pagans, loving and caring for the people who hurt His own. She wanted to say that she was sorry, she wanted to take it all back and stay true to the things that He'd done for her, but suddenly she had no voice.

"Thank you, Enid," she heard, and it took her a moment to gather herself to look down and see that girl staring up at her. "I'm sorry I was so mean to you before. I… I thought you were something you weren't and… I was scared. I thought you were going to steal Ivar away from us."

"No," Enid gasped, her voice strained and airy as she tried to stop herself from shouting. "I would never do that, Freya."

"I know that now… I just thought he was trying to forget about my mother."

"I don't think he is," Enid found herself saying so quickly it was almost like she was saying it to herself, but she knew it was true.

Enid could see it, that love, that devotion he still held for Helga just split between his children and she had no doubt that he would never put anyone else before them.

"Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at the same time?" Freya asked.

"What kind of love are you talking about?"

"Isn't it all the same?"

"I don't think so," Enid shook her head. "You can't love another person like you love your family."

"But what about when another person becomes family? How can you tell the difference then?" Freya asked, and Enid stared at her, her forehead lining in a slight crease as she thought on her answer.

Could she really say that she didn't love these children as her own even though she'd not carried them herself?

"You're right, they're the same," she said, "But a man can't love his wife the same way he loves his children. His heart will grow bigger with every child so that there's space for all of them and he doesn't end up taking love from one to give to another, but… I believe that he only has space in his heart for one woman and that's the way it should be."

"But what about when she dies? Then your God releases you from your vows, right?"

"Yes," Enid nodded. "I suppose it depends on the man and how much he loved her."

Freya turned on her back, sighing and staring up at the ceiling. "Ivar loves my mother," she said. "Sometimes too much and it gets him in trouble."

"It's only been a year, Freya. Give him time."

"He was like that before she died too," Freya sighed again. "She was supposed to marry Uncle Rolf, but Ivar wouldn't listen. It was years before Rolf would let it go and… I think Ivar's doing something like that again."

"What's there to do? Wasn't it settled before she died?"

"Yes," Freya nodded. "I don't know if it has something to do with Helga, but… something's wrong and he won't say what and… he has that same look in his eyes that he used to get when she wanted something."

Enid looked at the girl, studying her closely and trying not to miss a thing. "Tyr said she never wanted anything," she said, and Freya laughed, turning on her side and resting her head in the palm of her hand.

"Of course, she did. How can someone live without wanting something? She just never asked Ivar for it."

"Why not?"

Freya laughed again. "She always used to say that he should already know what she wanted."

"And did he?"

"Most of the time," Freya nodded, then she reached for Enid's hand, squeezing it and saying, "But if you want something, you should ask him, Enid."

Enid stared at the girl, her heart suddenly racing, her stomach chilling her to the bone. "But I want to go home, Freya," she whispered.

"Then ask him," Freya said, and suddenly it was all so simple, suddenly Enid had everything she'd wanted laid out in front of her and she was terrified.

All because she wasn't sure that she could sit on that cart and watch this farm and their faces fade away and know that she was never coming back.