The Ninja Competition

"Welcome one and welcome all to the NINJA Competition!!" A busty gal stood on stage and hollered into her microphone. I assumed her voice was as glass-shattering as it had been last year, because three of the windows to the left suddenly cracked.

Mmhm, I patted myself on the back for thinking ahead. Good thing I brought earmuffs.

"For the new friends that are participating for the first time this year, let me quickly go through the rules and what NINJA is!"

Our announcer, nicknamed Waifu-chan by her many fans, spoke excitedly as she waved her hand. Suddenly, a powerpoint appeared on the blank screen beside her.

"NINJA⸺or more commonly known as NEETs Into Narrating Juuuuicy," Waifu-chan waggled her eyebrows as some of the audience laughed. "Anecdotes! Today, the best NINJA members have gathered to give you guys the most interesting and risque stories ever!"

"Of course," Waifu-chan gave everyone a wink as she waved her hand again. Suddenly, a box began dramatically floating down as a choir began singing in the background...What the hell, why were there small wings fluttering on that box?! I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and uh, yup, those wings were still there… "Of course, the best NINJA today won't go home empty-handed! The grand prize today is a lifetime's worth of instant noodles, a basic DIY magical girl or boy kit, and a harem protagonist's halo!"

"Oh my god?! A lifetime's worth of instant noodles?!"

"Who cares about instant noodles?! A harem protagonist's halo…! New waifus, I'm coming for you!"

"DO IT YOURSELF MAGICAL GIRL KIT?" A little girl to my side screeched. "YES! IF I GET THAT I CAN LIVE MY YURI DREAMS!"

"..." I seriously wondered if I should back out of this competition while I can. Although the prizes were quite tempting, that little girl looked like she was going to claw out everyone's eyes should she not win…

"I'm glad everyone's satisfied with this year's prizes," Waifu-chan giggled sweetly before clapping our hands. "Rules are very simple, just captivate your audience! Each contestant will have ten minutes!"

Waifu-chan started blabbering more about the rules, so I took the chance to size up my contestants.

The first was the Chinese team who was composed of the same two members I had met last year, a teenager boy dressed in black and a pretty girl wearing pink. The boy had a gentle smile on his face as an aura of gloom surrounded him, uhuh, you guessed right. He was a super duper blackbelly guy. The girl, on the other hand, looked very demure and innocent. Her white aura of sweetness seemed to be countering the boy's aura of darkness, so the people around them didn't seem like they were going to suffocate from the emo-ness anytime soon. If I recall correctly, I think this girl had the Female Lead Syndrome…?

The American team, AKA my team, was composed of me and my junior, a girl named Mary Sue. Mary wasn't that good at telling anecdotes, so honestly I have no clue why she was here. She probably bribed a teacher or something by fluttering her eyelashes and looking pitiful.

And last but not least...I forced myself to not grimace as I shifted my gaze over to the Japanese team. It wasn't that they were super tough competitors, no, it was quite the opposite.

They were so bad at telling stories. So, so bad. The hardest part of the competition every year was probably suffering through their stories while keeping a straight face…

This year, Japan sent a different pair instead of the perverted NINJA uncle from last year and that boy wearing an orange jumper. Instead, the two guys manning the Japanese stand were a boy who had a resting bitch face and a another kid with a dopey grin. Resting bitch face guy had black eyes, black hair, and black clothes. Who was he meant to be cosplaying, Kirito? On the other hand, dopey grin guy wore a shirt that said 'WAIFU-CHAN IS MINE' while a golden aura surrounded him and made him sparkle. I think he was the lovechild of a Twilight vampire and a weeb…

"First up," Waifu-chan finally finished explaining the rules. And was it just me, or was Waifu-chan's smile a bit stiff…? "First up, we have Contestant #32 from the Japanese team!"

The corners of my mouth twitched. Oh no, it has started.

Twilight vampire lovechild's eyes sparkled as he bounced on stage. Then, he took the microphone offered by the trembling Waifu-chan before taking a deep breath.

"Once upon a time, I met a girl who was as prepossessing as a goddess. She had luminous eyes that sparkled like the most coruscating stars, and luxurious long hair that scintillated under the glorious sunlight. I was struck by love at first sight, like Cupid himself had launched millions of arrows of true-blue love into my body. My pure adoration for this girl was as vast as the oceans and as deep as the earth, and my very lungs trembled as she blah blah blah..."

Oh, sorry. I think my ear's self preserving skills kicked in, because I totally tuned this guy out.

I blankly watched this guy's mouth open and close as he went on, and on, and on...Where did he learn some of these words, his English SATs? To my side, Mary Sue looked as if she was regretting all of her life choices as she daintily covered her mouth with a hand. I wondered if she barfed a bit inside her mouth, because I knew I did the first time I was exposed to the Japanese team of NINJAs.

"STOP!" Waifu-chan almost screeched as the timer went off. She shakily composed herself before offering the crestfallen contestant a small smile before chasing him off stage. "...Thank you to Contestant #32 for that...wonderful short story. Next up, we have..."

Waifu-chan's face twitched again when she what was written on the piece of paper she randomly took out of her bag. "...Next up we have Contestant #66 from the Japanese team!"

"..." You gotta be kidding me, now it was the Kirito-wannabe? I watched with trepidation as the resting bitch face guy walked on stage and took the offered microphone.

Then, with a completely emotionless voice, he said, "She was on top of me so I decided to **** her, and she said **** and so I began to **** and **** and ****, and she ****ed so I **** and **** and **** and we **** and beside me, her sister suddenly **** and so we **** **** ****..."

I stiffly turned my head away and tried to tune out the legit R-rated audio porn resting bitch face provided us with. Why did I decide to subject myself to this torture again? Oh right, because my NINJA club leader bribed me with cookies...alright, guess it was time to file in my retirement application.

"Contestant #8! Contestant #8!"

Suddenly snapping out of my daze, I looked up just in time to see Waifu-chan give me a wave. "Contestant #8, your partner has fainted. Would you like to take her spot instead? Or else, the American team would be disqualified!"

What?! I turned over to take a look at my junior, and oh god, she was really completely unconscious as steam blew out of her red ears. You useless traitor, don't you know how to tune things out?!

Stiffly nodding, I took to the stage. I didn't prepare another story beforehand so I had to improvise now…Honestly though, my ears were still ringing and I felt as though I used bleach to wash out my brain. My mind was completely blank.

...Well, this was the short story competition, right? I think there was a part on the rubric that said you were evaluated on how well you manage to convey a whole story with the least amount of words…

Well, with that in mind. I leaned toward my microphone.

"She said, 'Ah'. I pushed forward. We did it," and then just for good measure, I paused and said: "The end."