Chapter 1: The Loss

Death. I never really gave much thought about it. Is it cruel or beautiful, I didn't know. But now I know. It must be so sweet perhaps sweeter than the nectar. So sweet that it could touch my innocent brother, Nabil. When I looked at his face, I didn't feel like death sucked the life out of him. It felt like, death made him even more beautiful.

17 November 2016 was the day when I lost my only cordial brother. He was only 15 when he died. I don't know what pushed him to this conclusion. I don't know why he chose to end everything this way. Why he committed suicide is still a mystery to me. Death parted us, indeed. Death not only took my precious brother from me but also took my happiness.

My parents couldn't handle this unfortunate sudden shock that well. First loosing their one and only son and then seeing their precious daughter falling in to a horrible depression. Only if he would just talk about whatever was bothering him with me, only once, then maybe we wouldn't have to see this grievous days. He just decided to be gone from this world on his own will. It took me 6 long months to get back in normal life. But was it ever normal? No, it wasn't. The home didn't felt like home anymore. Ma and Papa blamed each other for his death. The happy family we had once turned in to a living hell. They kept regretting only if they could do something. All of these made me feel like as if I was floating more and more depth into the ocean of sadness.

Nabil was very close to Papa. But as he grew up Papa got busier in his career and the best friendship like bonding they had between them kept fading away. And since then Nabil and I got closer. Then why, why didn't he even utter a word about his sufferings and pain? Wasn't there anything I could do for him?

One morning we got a call from police that they found Nabil's dead body hanging in his classroom. Just the previous night he told me, he wanted to sleep over at his friends place, and the person who gave him the permission to do so was me. After the incident police investigated his friend regarding this matter, but he replied Nabil didn't even go to his house that day. Police closed the case for lack of evidence declaring it as a suicide case.

It had been five years since Nabil's death. Not a single day had passed that I didn't think about him. I still dreamed of Nabil every night. Sometimes they were sweet and sometimes they turned into nightmares.

"Fahami." Ma's call pulled me out of the train of thoughts.

"Yes, Ma?" I yelled back.

"Come here."

I went downstairs and asked my mother, "What happened, Ma?"

Ma told me with pictures of some unknown men, "Look, which of these do you like?" She asked me in a harsh tone. She wasn't like this. As I already told, everything had changed around here. Nabil's death changed my mother completely. She used to speak with love and affection in her voice.

I felt rage ringing in my head. I asked her in a disturbing tone, "Seriously, Ma? I already told you I am not ready for marriage. Then why?"

"Fahami, it's time to get married. You have aged enough." She glared at me. Oh, I had seen this look before. But that look couldn't tame me. I was not a child anymore.

"No, I don't think I have aged enough for getting married." I replied sternly.

Ever since Nabil's death, she got emotional very easily. Ma began to cry and yell as I refused and said, "How can you be so selfish? Nabil has gone. Don't you think you should marry and bring a son-in-law in this house?"

Her statement made me furious and I said angrily, "Do you think, bringing a son-in-law will change anything? Do you think, he can replace Nabil? Well maybe to you, but not to me. Nothing can ever change this fact that Nabil died. Nothing can replace his place neither in this house, nor in my heart"

I stormed out of the house. I was shivering out of anger. My blood was boiling out of exasperation. How could she even came out with this unreasonable thinking?

"What's the urgency? You called me here, and we have been seating here for one hour but you haven't uttered a single word. What's wrong?" Roy whined in frustration.

I didn't know what to say. Our relation wasn't strong anymore. I didn't feel that spark. It felt like I was carrying a dead relationship which was nothing but a burden to me and I know he also didn't want this relation. That's why I called him in the restaurant to end the relation.

I looked directly in his eyes and said, "I want to break up."

Roy looked at me as if he was shocked. As if he didn't want this, as if he didn't sleep with other girls behind my back. Although I didn't mind because I felt nothing for him.

"Fahami, what the hell are you talking about?" Roy screamed.

"Roy, I know you also don't want this relation. So, drop the act." I replied in flat tone. I was sure, my face was emotionless because Roy looked vulnerable at that moment.

"Fahami, don't do this. I am sure everything will be alright if you give some time to our relation." He pleaded.

"I know very well what you are doing behind my back. Don't think that I don't know about the girls you are sleeping with."

Roy looked surprised, "Fahami, I know I made few mistakes but that doesn't mean I don't love you."

"Enough, I don't love you anymore and I don't want this relationship." I stood up and left the restaurant without giving him a chance to say anything. He was calling my name but I didn't care.

I was walking on the street. Nabil and I have walked on this same street many times. I could still imagine how he used to fight with me over an ice cream. How we fought, we laughed. But now, all of them are just, 'Memories.'