The Cemetary

I hurry home and change into my clothes for the day, get into my car and drive to the store. I'm standing in the floral department zoning out thinking about my future and what is in store. Grabbing purple roses and a few other essentials and I head to checkout. I feel like a zombie. I begin driving fast down the road. Pulling into a cemetery I head down the path and park. I sit in my car for a few seconds pondering if I should do this.

But ignoring self doubt I get out and walk over to my mother's grave. Sitting right in front. I begin talking as if she was sitting in front of me.

"Hi mom, I just wanted to tell you that I got the job. You probably already know. But I wanted to be the one to tell you first. It's really hard without you...but you probably know that too" I put the flowers down removing the dead ones from someone else who visited.

"I want to believe that I am good enough for this. But I am having a really hard time. I had so many plans. And then I lost you and it felt like my whole world fell apart and I refuse to believe that it was some robbery gone wrong. I know you are with me. And I know I am always supposed to remember how much you love me but sometimes I feel so alone and don't know if I have what it takes to continue on without you." A silent tear streaks the skin of my cheek.

"I'm sorry I haven't visited before this. I have been kind of busy, trying to take care of some things. I have just been so scared to know that all this is real." I pick at the grass. Feeling the wind kiss my skin I shudder from the cold and imagine that my mother would be telling me I should have worn a jacket and that it's winter for god's sake.

I smile to myself, wiping the tears off my cheeks and pulling myself together. "I love you mom. Forever and ever" I place my hand on her headstone and rise.

"I'll be back soon" I kiss the top and walk back to my car.

Sitting in my car a weight is slowly lifting off my heart. Being able to talk to my mother even if she doesn't talk back gives me a little light in my everlasting darkness. I check my makeup in the mirror and I shrug feeling like someone is watching me but as I look around I see no one...

Why do I always look like a mess? Starting my car I drive home to grab Bella so I can take her for a walk.

"Do you want to go for a walk Ella Bella" wagging her tail I give her a quick kiss and place her in the passenger seat. Running around I quickly hop in and head to the park. Arriving I grab Bella's leash and we walk around the lake.

I think about my mother and tomorrow and all the uncertain things in my life. It's going to be stressful starting this new job and why did she have to leave so soon and why haven't the cops found the guys who broke in... A feeling of fear grows in the pit of my stomach. Clearing my mind I stop at a bench and look up to the sky watching birds fly overhead and listening to the sounds of leaves rustling in the trees.

I can smell rain coming as I see dark clouds in the sky approaching. I could just sit here and watch life forever. I sigh.

Checking the time I realized we have been sitting here for 2 hours.

Bella is asleep next to me when she looks up at me as if saying it is time to go. I pat her head and we get in my car and head home. Laying in bed that night I feel antsy watching the clock slowly changing.

....If I go to sleep now I can get 8 hours of sleep before work tomorrow. And it continues to count down when I drift off. I believe it was closer to 11 that I finally fell asleep but for a while I was just staring at the ceiling dreading the next morning.