Existential crisis

I wasn't stupid enough not to recognize how unique my situation was. I was only able to reach the true limit because of my uniqueness. But logic said that I pay a high price for these benefits and that scared me. One might look at my skills and and cursed technique and you see all the benefits but ignore the cost of them. My first skill for example means that I don't have mana and can't use magic. I've seen enough anime and read enough books to know that mana was a superior energy type and I traded that for something worse.-

Cursed energy and techniques were ultimately limited in what they allowed even if they appear overwhelmingly better than mana and magic at first glance. Take my cursed technique for example that has so many uses that it could make anyone in the world jealous. The essence of my technique though was that I could refine and transform anything from a living source. That last bit was a HEAVY restriction for a craftsman. There are many things that I can't use my technique on so instead I need to work extra hard to close the gap with the things I can use it on.-

The existence of the dungeon that is alive is the only reason my cursed technique is so valuable as without it like if I was on earth my technique would be way more difficult to do anything meaningful with. Even further I had to learn everything I knew about cursed energy from what I had from the manga compared to the mages of this world that had thousands of years of research and experimentation to perfect what they knew of mana. Can you even begin to imagine the sheer handicap that put me at?-

I almost died just to discover that as a lower form of energy mana potions are several times more effective on cursed energy compared to mana. Then there was the need to make breakthroughs in how I used cursed energy and my technique that normal adventurers don't need to do. Mana and magic in this world functioned in such a way that purely training is pretty much all anyone needs to succeed at it. Cursed energy isn't like that, I need to suffer intense experiences in order to grow.-

Then you might ask about advanced cursed techniques like domain expansion and reverse curse technique and I can say for certain that I have no fucking idea. The manga's information on how those work exactly was vague as shit beyond negative and negative cursed energy made positive and that domains were an expansion and manifestation of ones innate technique. You see the sheer amount of fucking nothing that tells me? How does two negative make a positive? What the fuck does expanding and manifesting a technique even mean? All these details that a mage in this world would know as a matter of course for mana are things I have to figure out on my own.-

I know I make it seem like it's easy but the truth of the matter is that I'm flying by the seat of my pants here and just hoping to whatever being will listen that I don't implode. The funny thing is that what terrifies me the most is one way I can think of as obvious to improve my own stats, self refinement. I could totally use my technique on myself to improve my body and by extension stats but i am scared to try.-

I have no idea what that may do to me. Will I stop being human? Will I become a curse hybrid or full blown cursed spirit? I have no idea at all and that alone terrifies me into avoiding it at all cost. What has me just as nervous is that I have no idea how leveling up will effect me since I don't have mana. When a normal adventurer levels up their vessel is expanded and refined in a metaphysical sense but otherwise they are the same race as before since mana was already just as much a part of their existence as anything else.-

Them getting closer to their mana didn't affect them at all but cursed energy was not the same at all. If when I level up my existence becomes closer to cursed energy I may lose part of my humanity in the process. At some point I will end up more curse than human if that happens and I have no idea how that might effect me. I might be the same as always just different racially or I might turn out like all other curses that are evil things that are better off destroyed. My only hope was the innate traits of the falna itself that responds to the emotions and desires of the person it is attached to.-

I don't want to lose what makes me me even if that meant I would gain much more power. I desire godhood but not as some sort of evil deity manifested through cursed energy. I hope with all that I am that the falna picks up on my will and desires when I level up and offers me a way forward as it has with so many other adventurers who have put in the effort to achieve their dreams.-

I seem to have gotten rather side tracked now haven't I? Where was I? Ah right well after determining that my next update would likely be the last before I leveled up I began pushing my physical abilities after each trip to the dungeon over the next few days. While I was doing that Bell had reached G in all of his physical stats which meant that it was finally time for him to go delving himself. Honestly I wasn't worried all that much as his new armor made from the hides I collected and the refined carapaces and pincers of the ants meant unless he got way over his head nothing on the first four floors should be able to kill him unless it was a variant.-

In addition I made sure that his weapons and armor didn't stand out as anything valuable even if they were so nobody should get any funny ideas about killing him for his gear. Yes that was a very real possibility in the dungeon as some adventurers made their fortunes by robbing and sometimes even killing weaker adventurers. It was usually reserved for further into the dungeon though so he should be fine.-

As I discovered limit sickness only applies the first time you break your vessels current limit in some regard. After all something that is broken can never be unbroken as even repairing the thing doesn't remove the fact it had been broken. Still I avoided using my cursed energy since I wanted my next update to send all that smoke to my physical stats to get them to the limit. In this regard the dungeon had been oh so helpful as I hadn't ran into a single ant even after reaching the seventh floor as if the place was making them avoid me which made sense considering the last time.