Fear

School was over, and Bora and Astrol were waiting for Nari outside the school gate , when Bora received a message from Nari saying that they could leave without her since she still needed to pick up some books to help her study from the school library. "Let's go. Nari's not going to be done anytime soon so she'll head home with her other friends", Bora said, and pulled the quiet Astrol towards her car in the parking lot.

Bora kept glancing in Astrol's direction from time to time. Astrol had been so unusually quiet the entire day and only Bora and Nari knew why. She and Nari tried their best to cheer Astrol up but it seemed that even after all the years they'd spent together, they still weren't able to find a way to make Astrol feel better on this particular day.

Astrol just kept her eyes glued onto the road, from the car's window, with a blank expression on her face, and Bora couldn't help but be reminded of the first time they'd met. Astrol looked just like herself back then, the sadness in her eyes threatening to consume her, even though her face remained completely neutral. The only difference was that there weren't tears on her face this time around. She hadn't even moved from her position since they entered the car. The only thing that showed that Astrol was still a living human was the occasional blinking of her eyes. She looked so calm, but Bora knew that it was only the calm before the storm.

Bora had been so lost in thought that she didn't realize that they had arrived at Astrol's house already, until she heard the car door slam shut. She looked and saw that Astrol was already walking towards her house, so she got down quickly and caught up to her. She hugged her instantly, the moment she reached her. "Don't think too deeply, okay?. I'll always be here if you need me", Bora whispered softly to her before letting her go. "Mm", was all Astrol managed to reply before entering into her house. Once Astrol shut the door, Bora let out a deep sigh before turning around and walking back into the car.

Astrol was greeted with pleasant smells and some sounds coming from the kitchen, when she stepped into her house. As she got closer, she was shocked by what she saw. Nanny Yu had actually prepared a dozen dishes that consisted mostly of her favorites, and she was even still busy baking something. Nanny Yu turned around to get a napkin, and was surprised to see Astrol standing and staring back at her bewildered.

"Oh dear you're back?, I guess I was too busy I lost track of time. Come let's sit and have something to eat. I'll just turn this off for a minu__", Nanny Yu paused. She couldn't finish her statement because Astrol had suddenly crashed into her and hugged her tightly. "Please... let's just stay like this for a little while", Astrol whispered inaudibly as she held her tighter. Nanny Yu just rose her hand and started stroking her long hair gently in reply as she let out a quiet sigh.

Today was the day that Astrol had lost her parents. Nanny Yu had insisted that Astrol stay home, but Astrol had wanted to go to school instead. She'd told her that it was the best way for her to keep herself busy and try to overcome the overpowering emotions, but it seemed like she had finally reached her limit and couldn't hold it in anymore. "Astrol", Nanny Yu called out the moment she felt Astrol's body tremble as she hugged her even tighter. "Why...why did you suffer and prepare all this when you know that I won't even be able to eat it", Astrol asked in a low voice.

"Are you really not going to have a bite even after all the hard work I put into this, hmm?", Nanny Yu replied with a smile. "Aren't you tired of me being such a burden to you?... You've already done enough for me", Astrol said next and Nanny Yu finally pulled away from her grip to take a look at her. But Astrol just bowed her head hiding her face from her.

Nanny Yu then patted her on the head as she replied, "Burden?, how could you even say that huh. I'm actually very grateful to you and your family you know. Your grandfather saved my life, and I even got to experience having a daughter because of you. So, don't ever think that I'm just doing this to return the favor because it's a lot more than that. Enough with this for now, let's eat first and talk later", Nanny Yu said as she pulled Astrol to sit with her. Nanny Yu had to feed Astrol because Astrol would occasionally get lost in thought and forget to eat.

After a while, Astrol stood. "I-I want to see them now", she said and Nanny Yu was about to rise when she continued, "I want to go in first. I want to speak to them alone". Nanny Yu looked at her once more and her head was still hung low to hide her face. "Okay", was all she said, and that was all Astrol needed to hear before she quickly left. She walked down the stairs and into a corridor. There was a painting of her and Nanny Yu at the ending of the corridor. She placed both her thumbs on Nanny Yu's left eye and her right eye, and after the fingerprint scan was completed, the painting moved to reveal a secret passage way into their basement. No one apart from herself and Nanny Yu knew about the basement, not even Nari and Bora.

After walking down the dimly lit pathway, she pushed open an iron door and walked in. The first thing she saw when she turned on the lights was a huge portrait of her, her mum and her dad together when she was still a baby. The portrait stood out gloriously in the middle of the room, surrounded by other pictures of the late King and Queen. The room was also filled with a few other stuff from her Royal palace at Country X, which Nanny Yu had managed to obtain from the mansion before they fled the country.

Astrol went towards the large family portrait, and slowly sank to her knees before it. The instant her eyes darted towards the portrait again, all the tears she had been holding back for a long time came pouring out of her. It was like the strong walls she put up just came crumbling down in mere seconds. She couldn't control herself as she shook violently with tears because of all the overwhelming emotions she felt at that point. She'd felt so numb for so long.

It was only during times like their birthday, anniversary or the day of their death that Astrol actually felt human. She was always constantly numb at heart. She'd trained herself that way in order to survive without them. So, on days like this one, she would always break down like this because it was like all the emotions she's kept dormant for so long would suddenly come crashing down on her that she wouldn't even know how to handle it.

She would never forget this date - October 15th - the day when her whole world fell apart before her eyes and there was nothing she could do about it. She could still remember everything in detail like it was just yesterday and not so many years ago. From the vision, to her failed attempt at stopping them, to their departure, and lastly, the news of their death.

"I-I'm back again, you're probably really angry with me right now aren't you. I-I-I never came even once to visit your grave back at country X since the day I left. I hope you don't hate me too much for it...please don't hate me", Astrol stuttered choking on tears. "You see this daughter of yours is a coward. She ran away from everything, her home, her responsibility, her title, everything; all because of her fear. I even purposely avoided any news related to the Hae empire and country X as a whole. I couldn't go back there because I was scared...scared that I was living in my own illusion that I was alright now, that I was cured. I'm still scared that my traumas and nightmares will come back to haunt me again if I get close to that place. I don't think I've managed to get rid of it yet. I've only managed to keep it inactive for now, and if it becomes active again...then...then I don't know if I'll be able to hang on much longer". Astrol's face was already covered in tears and sweat as parts of her long hair had started sticking to different parts of her face. Her purple Blazer was even drenched in tears as she cried even harder, struggling to speak.

"I'm... I'm also sorry that I couldn't live up to my name, but most importantly, I'm sorry that I can't forgive or forget. I simply don't know how to do that. I-I know that I shouldn't hate this much but...but I just can't help it. I'll never be at peace with myself without avenging our family, our bloodline, every single wonderful peace of family that I couldn't get to know. That's why I'm sorry, because I don't know how many lives will be lost or how far I'll go just to have my revenge. So please forgive me now because I won't spare anyone responsible for this or anyone who gets in my way. I'll wipe them all out! Every single one of them. I will return to country X and the Hae empire, that I promise you. I'll come back stronger this time, much stronger. But...but you're going to have to forgive me first...please forgive me for choosing to become a devil like this. Please don't be too upset with me... please...I miss you both so much", Astrol uttered as her whole body fell to the ground. Her knees felt so weak, and she already felt so exhausted. After crying for only God knows how long, her body slowly succumbed to sleep.

Hours had already gone by and Nanny Yu came to check on Astrol. She became anxious on seeing her unmoving on the ground. When she got closer, she noticed that Astrol was shivering slightly, and tears were still falling from her eyes even though she was already asleep. She also heard Astrol mumble the words 'please come back', severally in her sleep, and Nanny Yu felt so heartbroken at the scene before her.

"Aren't you going to do anything?, she's slowly killing herself like this so please do something to ease her pain already. Are you really going to leave her all alone like this?", Nanny Yu spoke to the portrait hanging at the center with tears in her eyes. When she finally got a hold of herself, she carefully lifted Astrol up and helped the drowsy princess on her feet before they both left the basement together.