36. Unconsciously

They enjoyed the wine with rain become their background, James poured all of his sadness and sorrow. Ed listened carefully, and that's when James told some problem that he had never told before. Ed's a good listener, he barely talked when someone shared their problem with him.

Rose only watched them from the lounge room, Ed gave the signal to told her 'Give him a minute'. She nodded and watched them from the inside, wondered what happened between them that made his husband look serious when listened to James.

It got late when James finished his story, nobody looked to a watch or phone during the conversation. Ed wanted him to felt relieved after poured his burden even just a little. James took a deep breath while sipped his wine, "Sorry I took a lot of your time,"

"Nevermind, glad that I can help you,"

James took another cigarette, he felt a little dizzy, "Maybe, I'll take off after this,"

"But James…" Ed frowned his face and took a serious position. "Did you sure that she had a new lover recently?"

"What do you mean?"

Ed also took another cigar, he looks confused about something, "I mean, when did she meet this guy? Is that after she breaks up with you or the other way around?"

James was stunned, he didn't think about this. He too focused on their breakup without a thought about this possibility, his mind overworked. He only shook his head, didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to think this possibility, 'No, she would never cheat on me....'

"Sorry, I'm just saying, don't take this seriously."

James still didn't say any words, he stared at the rain that fell down in front of his eyes. Sipped the left of his wine, 'Oh this is the strong one.' He nodded and who knows what that meant, Ed just stared at him. Nothing he could say anymore, he also thought that maybe he said unnecessary things. It made James sadder than before, he didn't feel good about it.

"Wanna come inside? My wife can make you something sweet,"

"Nah, this is enough—" He raised his glass, and poured half-full. "Maybe this is will cheer me up," 

"Don't drink it too much, you should go home and that'll be a problem,"

James sighed and nodded, "Yup, sure. Thank you, Ed, you help me a lot,"

Ed patted his shoulder, smile relieved. He knew that he didn't help a lot, but it's better than doing nothing. James still looked calm, but yet his heart screamed out from where it is. James felt wanted to scream but he kept hold his intention, even though Ed said it just "nonsense theory" he wanted to know the truth. 

He finished his third glass and told Ed that he wanted to go home. He couldn't hold it anymore, he wanted to go home and hit the shower to make him sober. It became a ritual for him, if he had bad dreams, day or even life he would hit the cold water to make him calm. 

"You want to go home already?" Rose stood up from the couch.

"Yeah, I'd something to do," James moved to embraced her for a goodbye. "It's nice to finally meet you, thanks for everything."

Rose smiled and stood behind Ed while watched James walked to his car and wave away. He lost in the darkness of the night, moved away with his feeling that no one knows what in his heart. Only sadness that painted in his face, sometimes he covered it with his charmed smile, sometimes it works and sometimes it isn't. 

­James drove home with the half-drunk condition, lucky enough he could see the streets. He kept thinking about what Ed said a moment ago, his mind wanted to resist this thought but deep in his heart, he knew that is true. His heartbeat was racing, couldn't stop think and relax. He got an adrenalin rush, his mind and soul couldn't rest for a moment, even just a minute.

He got back to his old apartment, 'Yep, empty as always.' He shook his head couldn't believe that he lives in this apartment, it felt like an empty abandoned place. He put his bag on the benchtop then opened the laptop. In case if there's an idea to put in his new book.

He walked to the fridge and pick another beer, even his head is dizzy and got enough liquor in his body but this became a habit. He checked his phone there were two people texted him, Ed and Diana. He didn't have any idea why they both reached him.

"Don't pick another beer," That was what Ed text about, he worried about his habit. "Too late," James replied then moved to other messages, he hadn't clue about this one, a couple of days ago she talked about his book and James wondered what this is about.

"Why you aren't replied to me the other day? Have you know that I worried about you?"

James frowned, 'Why does she worried about me?' He didn't know how to reply to those questions. He texted back, didn't understand what that about. "What do you mean?"

He threw his phone to the couch, to get rid of all the distractions. He ready to wrote some story, opened his beer to boosted up his mind. But nothing, he just stared at the screen and did nothing. No idea came to his head, not even a word. He didn't get a distraction but he just realized that the only distraction was his mind.

He couldn't wait to know the truth about Christy and what happened six months before his relationship over. That's a thought stick on his mind for a long time, what happened and why she acted so differently after it. 

He closed his laptop and moved away to the window, stared outside and rain had stopped. Everything looked so clear for a second then turned into a blurry image in his eyes. Now is the turn, he cried silently. Tears just dripped from his eyes unconsciously, even he didn't mean to do it. His mind was racing, he stood alone looked to the skies, listened to his own heartbeat.