The Pain in the Soul

That morning started off as any normal morning until the jack ass dumped me. The audacity of that boy. I was sad, not because of him dumping me but because I was tired of being abandoned. I trauma dumped on him and he got scared. We were 15 and 16. I was young and dumb and he was just dumb.

Ended up severly depressed, not over the boy but it was the tip of the iceburg to be honest. That night I took apart my eyeliner sharpener to get the razor out of it. I went to a dark place and just started cutting. All directions I didnt want to feel the pain i felt on the inside anymore. After I was done I cleaned up the batrhoom but one of the cuts wouldnt stop bleeding and I freaked out. I told Mr. Jay I needed bandages and he asked me why and seen the blood. He cried. I am still sorry that I put him through that.

After they cleaned me up I was taken to the office so they could take photos of my arms. I didnt care what they thought. They werent Mr. and Mrs Jay. I disappointed both of them already. I wish I could go back to that time and redo it. I hated myself for the fear and pain I caused them. It wasnt over a boy. It was everything all at once hitting me and I couldnt calm myself down.

I couldnt put into words the feelings I had when they took the photos. One called them cat sratches and I replied "I wasnt trying to off myself I just didnt want to be in pain anymore". To them that sounded ridiculous but to me it made sense. I hated speaking to them. They didn't care enough to listen They were not qualified to deal with someone like me. They did more harm than good thats for sure. Sure some tried their best but I am sure my parents thought they did their best too.

Their best wasn't good enough. Their best was always half-assed anyways. Fuck them, the 15 year old me thought. I hated this place, these people, my multiple parents who abandoned me. My rage was intense and all I wanted to do is run. That was the only time I felt free. Running stopped the thoughts, the voices, and it stopped the pain.

All I wanted was the pain to go away.....

No one understood. A few made snide comments about how I was just "attention seeking". If that was the case I would've worn short sleeves that day. I wore a thick sweater and refused to swim that day. I refused to talk to anyone. My ex thought it was about him and he hugged me telling me he was sorry. The only reason he was sorry was because he didnt have homevisits this week so he needed me to pass the time. I was niave and believed that jackass. I am older now and looking back I hated how stupid I was for going back.

It was a children's home for Christ sake! The drama belonged on a soap opera or MTV. The things that were said and done there were insane. I pulled the fire alarm because a resident told me I wouldn't. That same resident is the one who snitched on me too. I guess that was my Karma trying to prove I was fearless. I wasnt, I was just reckless.

In all honesty I was afraid of so much but didnt give a shit about myself to keep me from doing stupid things. If I was taught how to love myself I think I wouldve been more level headed. Who knows. Cant change it now.