Confronting Mistakes

I bid a temporary farewell to Rosalina and Druvis...which ended more depressingly than I've ever expected. I feel mushy...like jelly. I really have grown attached to the NPCs in this world.

It feels odd saying goodbye now.

Especially when Druvis wanted me to stay. Earlier, she was tending to her flowers...while offering me plucked flowers that presumably were the best according to her standards. I accepted them of course.

...but when I was leaving, she was making squiggling sounds, resting on Rosalina's lap.

And finally? I descend down the mountain to see the sun set once again. It's a a familiar scenery I've long been accustomed to.

It's always when I go down the mountain path...it's always at this time that I meet eye-to-eye with the sun. It's still shining brightly despite knowing that it will be overcome by darkness.

Such a familiar and usual sight.

And yet...

Why does it seem lonelier than it used to be from days ago?

...ah, I shouldn't care about it too much. What matters now is going back to my home and apologizing to my mother. 

I will live greatly...I'll live with happiness, and not let my mistakes overcome me with guilt. After all, isn't that what my master and my mother want from me? To live a life that they believe is suited for me?

Even if such a life feels undeserving to me. 

...and finally? I'm here. I'm standing next to the beam of light.

But I feel anxious to enter. I'm scared to see my mother again. I don't want to cause her anymore unnecessary heartaches. Especially when I'm the cause for most of them.

From financial issues...to her experience in motherhood...as well as my temperament problems.

Yet, I know that I have to meet with her. I'm going to make up for what I've done, that's already a given...but as for how I'll forgive myself. Of how...I'll repent for something so sh*tty...that, I will have to learn.

So I step forward, dissipating into the light and going back to the real world again.

In my room. The same room where I escaped to vent out my anger after I just verbally eviscerated my mother.

What a f*cking idiot I am, no? What kind of coward--

No. I have to deal with the current issues first...let's deal with my mother.

...I walk out of the room, already seeing a couple of food laid out on the table. She's prepared a whole feast. 3 dishes...of different vians that complement and amplify each other's tastes.

She shouldn't be doing this. We already have a financial burden to deal with.

On the other side of the kitchen, can I see her washing...two cups in the sink. She was looking rather contemplatory as she was cleaning those cups. She got two cups...what if she drank something numbing because of what I've done?

Lost in a trance, I see her look at me behind with shock. It seems like she heard my footsteps. Her expression seemed...normal.

...and naturally?

There was no anger. No pain. No embarrassment. Nothing. Nothing at all.

She's always doing this...hiding her true emotions to shield both her and her loved ones from the truth that she never wants to tell me. But I can't stand that. Not when I want to reassure her that I will be a good and dutiful son...I will-

"You took your time playing," She jokes, as she did constantly. It's bothering...how she hides what she's truly feeling from jokes and humour. "Ma," I call out, standing close to her and rinsing the other cup with water.

She says nothing and only smiles...

It's a mysterious smile.

But is that smile directed to me? Perhaps I've really crossed a bigger line than I've expected...if that's the case...then why haven't I been suffering much more in game? Perhaps I should have avoided the advices of my master and my wife.

What if I really don't deserve forgiveness? 

That atonement is unattainable to me...maybe I really shouldn't-

"Rodrick," My mother calls out, seeing me in a dizzy state of mind. I'm not even properly cleansing the cup...I totally zoned out, looking like an idiot who knew of nothing.

"I'm...I'm sorry," I shake slightly, looking at her with worry. My mother looks at me shocked, comforting me as she sees the pathetic look on my face. Tears soiled down the sink, and my hands were trembled erratically...this was as worse as it was when it first happened 6 years ago. 

I'm a mess. A trembling mess. 

I couldn't even speak or think properly...and the words that come out of my mouth are all a stifled incoherent phrases. 

Right now, I'm no longer a man, nor am I her son.

Now I'm a crybaby. As I was all those years ago.

...and now that he's back? I coudn't help feeling disgusted by this. I'm supposed to be 19 now, a grown man, who should be mature enough to do things that adults do.

And adults don't cry. They vent their emotions through other ways.

But I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop feeling like a mess...I couldn't stop having a panic attack. It feels nauseating...to see my tears flowing endlessly...to know that there was no other thing for me to do except cry.

I couldn't hear anything else aside from the drops of water on the sink...and the dripping tears on my face.

It's pathetic.

But it felt right. It felt like I needed it...that these tears were all the emotions that were bottled up for years to come.

"Rodrick," My mother calls out to me, turning off the faucet so that the water doesn't leak in the basin on the sink. "Rodrick, listen to me," She calls out, and this starts to clear up my vision slowly.

She rubs my back, looking at me with worry. I'm causing her problems again.

...and finally, after a minute of feeling my perspective combust into a swirling and messed-up jumble of colors...I finally start to make out the features of her face and that of the kitchen.

As soon as I do...I only did one thing.

I hugged her. I hugged her tightly. 

"I'm sorry ma...I shouldn't have said those things earlier...I..." I say, but my words seemed as jumbled as they did with my messed-up vision. 

And somehow...my mother, being my mother, always understood me before I could even make sense of myself.

She hugged me tighter, reassuring me with care and kindness. "It's okay mijo, things happen," She smiles, rubbing my back. The burden on me seems to dissipate slowly...and I'm slowly regaining my reason again.

I really don't deserve my mother. She deserves a better son.

...but I'm selfish. I wouldn't trade my mother for anything else in the world.