Chapter Four

DEPRESSION

Divorce depression is a poor self-image turned inward. Depression can be living in the valley of death. The ex-spouse is a walking corpse. All is fear, sadness and hurt. You realize that the arrow has struck and taken away the joy. You also realize you can no longer deny the reality of the impending divorce. Your anger makes you feel worse most of the time. Bargaining proved that you couldn't maneuver your way out of the problem. You are now left with the conclusion tat you can do nothing to make a difference. You want to give up on everything. You will never see anyone else or be happy again. During this stage it is not unusual for a person to withdraw into a personal emotional cocoon and suspend most if not all social relationships and activities. Some people cease caring about appearance. Depression is a common response to divorce and probably the most unbearable stage. It is also the first stage of real acceptance to rebuilding your new life. It is a busy time internally as you start to understand that you are alone now and single. The marriage is over. Facing those facts is a challenge and may require all the mental discipline you have. Now is the time to examine yourself and see where your focus really is.

If my ex-spouse hadn't done or said—; if God had only answered my prayer—; if my friends weren't so judgmental of me—; my in-laws started this—; which one of these could you find yourself in?

What kind of a communicator were you? One spouse was involved with someone else for about six months before the party knew there was a problem. There were signs after she looked back over the marriage. An example, when the ex-spouse

becomes very generous and buying expensive gifts or doing more for you than usual (this is from guilt). Were you in tune with your ex-spouse's actions and needs? This is not meant to put guilt but to admit an area of personal responsibility within ourselves. This is the first step out of depression. The second step out of depression is to take time to cry if you need to, and a time to talk without someone giving advice. You also need to be careful of dwelling on past events and current problems in your quiet time. Being alone too much can be a comfort zone. This is a place where you will not want to deal with reality. Depression is often the other side of anger. You swing back and forth between despair and rage. You need to work on moving through depression. There can be positive aspects of depression. Quiet time could be a pause to give you some rest and peace of mind. Depression doesn't make you feel good, but it plays an important part in the divorce process. It has caused you to look honestly at yourself and to admit and assume your part of the blame instead of laying it all on your ex-spouse. Depression is not a sign of weakness but is a normal healthy emotion. The numbing effect of depression helps you to cope with the loss. When you deny the depression you only prolong the healing or recovery.

Divorce connected depression is different from other depressions. This kind of depression is accompanied by sadness and loneliness which you can overcome. The core of divorce- depression is low self-esteem. Some people experience depression during their marriage, only to find relief through divorce. If you are either the divorce seeker or the divorce opposer, you will naturally feel like a failure. For the time being, you don't like the person you've become. When something goes wrong you think it's your fault. Example, one party was in a car accident and the other one felt it was their fault because they were no longer there. A very important principle here is to try to keep the emotional task of divorce away from your self-esteem. All too often failure becomes a self-fulfilling thing. You begin to

think you are no good, and with each setback your self-esteem drops down a little more.

Depression is the critical stage in the divorce process. You make the choice of either living through the sadness and the loneliness or get stuck in despair. Remember, it's your choice by the act of your will.

The whole theme of depression is guilt. You feel guilty about your ex-spouse their family members, your family members and your friends. A little bit of guilt is okay, because you want to do right by your ex-spouse and their family members.

The next time you feel like you are slipping into depression, stop and take a positive action such as:

• Call some friends and talk.

• Take a walk.

• Go shopping/window shopping.

• Get involved in sports or something active.

Depression

A test to help you determine your present state. Which symptoms have you experienced?

• Trouble sleeping

• Boredom

• Working too hard or long hours

• Inability to concentrate

• Loneliness

• Inability to talk with other people

• Need to be with others all the time

• Ulcer, digestive problems

• Addictive / compulsive behavior

• Sudden weight loss

• Sudden weight gain Describe further in your journal.

DEPRESSION

Summary

Depression is low self-esteem turned inward. Do a self- examination of your depression. What kind of a communicator were you? Were you in touch with your feelings or needs as well as those of your ex-spouse? When you became stressed through depression what action did you take? Did you determine what percentage was your fault? Did you take action to improve wrong attitudes on your part? Answer the above questions in your personal journal.