Drunken Mistake

I glimpsed outside it was now daytime, where have the time flown? Lucky got up from my foot and ran out into the hallway. Well, another one left me, first Ayato, then Lucky. Neil walked in collecting the empty bottles and placing the full ones on desk I continue to drown myself with. Once Neil left, I heard angry footsteps approaching my door then my door bussed wide open.

"What do you think you are doing!? Are you trying to kill yourself?" Ayato yelled at me. He was furious, I can see the wildness in his eyes as he looked at me. So damn hard to focus right now, my eyes burned from not sleeping and my throat felt like it burned.

"Nyet" I said, why the hell I spoke Russian for a second, so I tried again, but I wanted to close everything out. "No"

"Have you been up all night?" He stepped closer to me but I just shrugged. God, I felt the waves of fear and worried washing off of him.

I grabbed a bottle that Neil brought me earlier and started to drink straight from it. I felt nothing, and I wanted to feel like this. Let me acknowledge the hole I have in my heart. If I wasn't so messed up and damaged I would have never been like this.

"Stop it! What the hell is with you? I just slept over at Lily's and you do all this! I can't believe you! Get your ass up now and shower and go to sleep! You are not allowed to drink anymore and I'll pour all you drinks down the drain!" He continued to yell at me. Yes, this is what I needed, the hole in my body to grow, I felt myself soaking in the words. If he would start calling me a piece of shit and a jerk, I will accept it all and acknowledge myself like it.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair, only one word came to my mind "No", I felt like nothing right now. I wanted to sit here and soak in it all, why won't Ayato go away and let me be?

"J- Justin… Please stop… You're scaring me. Please just come lay down and stop all of this please." He came over to me pulling on my arm, I felt no need to get up so I did not move.

I tilted my head at him trying to understand. He made me feel like this, leaving me when I needed him the most so we can work on our relationship. "Why," I asked myself, but ended up saying it out loud.

"Because you aren't being you… Please stop! I won't leave again, I promise. Please just stop acting like this?" He climbing into my lap, and I felt a stutter run through him, right when he started to cry. "I am such a horrible boyfriend, I am so sorry. Maybe I deserved to be punished that way if I hurt you so much you end up doing this to yourself." He continued to weep in my lap.

I wrapped my arm around him, and I felt the hole in my body slowly try to close. Not all the way though. I slowly rubbed his back, trying to calm him down as I took a deep breath and spoke, "No your not."

"Yes, I am…. If I were a good boyfriend, I won't have put you through that last night or made you mad enough to want to do those things to me. I wouldn't have left you here alone after you told me. I am a horrible boyfriend. People have been saying it for years, but I didn't believe it until now. I'm no good for you. I just cause you more stress.

I hate that people told him that, he is not a horrible boyfriend at all. I frowned and looked at him. "No…It's not you.." I rested my head on his shoulder. I felt extremely lightheaded and it was from the constant consumption of alcohol and the lack of sleep.

He slowly stopped crying and looked at me. "What is it then? Work didn't make you drink yourself empty! I did! You drank because of me, and you drank a lot at the party too. Don't think I haven't noticed you taking drink after drink. That was my fault."

Holding him in my lap felt too much, I moved him to sit on my desk as I looked up at him. "It's my way of coping. Stop" I rest my head on his lap.

"You wouldn't have to cope if I didn't do things that make you angry" He sighed and rubbed my head.

"Stop talking…" I pulled away from him as I lean back in my chair glancing at him. "My brain is haywire with too much information. Drinking is my only way of slowing it down… Without having sex."

"That's not safe. You will hurt yourself, Justin. Just because you don't really get drunk doesn't mean that it isn't destroying your body." He mumbled.

"It doesn't matter…Drinking helps me" I rubbed the bridge of my nose, man it's hard to keep focus right now. I can really use another bottle, or two.

"It does matter Justin! Your liver is probably liquified by now. I don't like you drinking this much at all! You need to stop and find a healthier way to focus." He lightly grabbed my wrist, pulling it away from my nose as he kissed my knuckles.

I really do need to focus better. "Not all the time I drink. I stopped until…" I stopped myself, but I feared it was too late. I looked down at my lap, fearing what he would conclude.

"Until me. You could have had mindless sex whoever you wanted to focus." He sighed and got off my desk. On his way out my office, he grabbed all the bottles and stopped at the door. "I don't care what you have to do to focus but no more drinking." Then he left me again.

I started thinking of all my options, drink, sex, sleeping and drowning myself in work. Sleep sounds like my only good option, and right now I think I can work for this. I just starting to think of anything and nothing. God, I want to focus my own thoughts right now, this is killing me.

"Justin? Can you please stop doing all this…If not for yourself, do it for me… I love you and it hurts to see you like this. It hurts knowing that I was the cause of this and I just want you to come back to me. Your normal self. The one I fell in love with and trust my life over to. I need you." He came back into my office, the waves of emotion and love flooded off him, straight into my chest. If this wasn't the reassurance I need of who I am, then I wouldn't know what this was.

I felt my face heating up a bit, I wanted to tell him the three words but my mouth felt so damn dry right now. I heard my own voice, hoarse and all as I told him, "I love you".

A dam burst through his eyes, dammit it all he cried so much within the last twenty-four hours. He walked over to me and sat him on my lap hugging me tightly. "I love you too please end this. Come to bed with me."

I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him closely to me, "I am sorry, don't cry no more. You cried enough." I spoke softly trying to calm him down again.

"Will you stop this?" He sniffed slightly and I felt his head fell between my neck.

I nodded slowly, "I'm sorry Ayato."

"It's okay, we were both stupid for letting this happen.." He chuckled slightly.

"No… It's not your fault. I should had been considerate of you and your feeling. I am sorry." God dammit, I buried a hole for myself, and I felt like I am not paying the consequences at all.

"Considerate of me? After how I acted at the party? I don't blame you." He gave a small slightly laugh and looked at me as he dried his eyes.

"It's not just the party." Why does he assume all of it dwell on a little party like that. I would never snap at something like that.

"It's not that? What did I do then?" Questioning me.

"It's about when you always say that you would never be good enough for me." Nearly every time he says that, I want to just prove him how wrong he would be. But my only reasonable way of showing it is, well, sex.

"I'm sorry…It's just how I feel, I don't feel like I am sometimes." He sighed and ran his hand over my cheek.

"I don't want you to feel like that at all. What can I do the change that doubt?" I quit my job right now, if that what it takes for him to get rid of this doubt. Anything he names, I will do it to the best of my ability.

"Just love me and I will come around eventually… I'll feel better when my mom accepts us. If she did I wouldn't care what the rest of the world thinks." Something so simple as that, shouldn't be that hard. Right? His mother, Sylvia, she was as secretive as I am. I question would manipulation work? If I did, and Ayato found out, that might add to his self-doubt and our relationship.

The only thing I can do now, just love him. I felt something wet fall down my cheek, was I crying? I couldn't do anything but just hold him. "I will always love you."

I felt as ease until he said, "Can we go visit my mother? She won't talk to me."

"Can we go later?… I just want you hold you" I wiped the tears that slowly fell down my face away, as Ayato looked at me.

"Okay then, let's go to bed then." He climbing off my lap, holding out his hand for me. I gladly took his hand and stood. My need to hold him in my arms grew more, so I picked him up and carried him into our bedroom. I placed him on the bed. "You go sleep, I need to take a shower and clear my head." Heading straight into the bathroom, I threw my shirt into the hamper and walked into the bathroom.

Then I heard this footsteps, getting louder approaching me. "No, I want to stay with you right now. I'm barely tired. I just want to be with you." He spoke lowly as he wrapped his arm around my waist.

I felt a smile crept on my face, as I slowly walked into the bathroom with him wrapped around me. I unraveled his arm from my hips, and placed him on the sink counter. "I'm going to shower then." I took off the remaining of my clothes and placed them on the counter next to him.

"I'll join you" he smiled at me as he quickly made work of his clothes. Hopping in the shower right after me. I wanted to smile at him and show him I was okay now. But I didn't have enough energy to do so.

"What's with the look?" He said to me and kissed my chest.

"Nothing" I shook my head, leaning down I tilted his head back and kissed him softly. I felt him, all of him, this is what I needed yesterday. A reassurance we was okay, I feel completely healed. We took our time washing each other, and just feeling each other. Once we got out, I looked at him through the mirror. "Go put something on…Unless you want to stay, I'm going to shave my face and brush my teeth."

He nodded his head and left the bathroom. I wrapped a towel around my waist and my neck. Then I started to shave and brush my teeth.

After what it seems like ten minutes I was done and walked back into the bedroom, donning on a pair of boxers and joined Ayato in the bed. Ayato moved closer to me, resting his head and a hand my chest.

We sat in silence, acknowledging each other presences for a bit, but it was an awkward quiet. Something had to give, and I knew it my turn to do it. I took a deep breath before hastily saying "I didn't drink like that for about two years."

"I'm sorry. I wish you would have told me. I would have never provoked you like that if I had known the outcome." He softly said, running a hand over my stomach, lightly tracing my hair, down there. For the first time in a while, I didn't react to his touch. It wasn't bad that I didn't, it a serious moment and I am glad my cock can understand that.

I lightly played with his hair, feeling him relax a degree on me, I continued. "It would have been worse, if you knew. I originally was going to either drink myself until I couldn't think, or destroy things." And by things, I meant his body, and my damn mind.

Goosebumps broke out on his neck as he shivered. Then he snaked an arm around my hips, tightly hugging me. "Please don't ever do that again..I don't want to lose you too.", he cried. I am a complete asshole, I've never wanted to hurt him and yet here I am.

"No, no, no, don't cry. I will try not to do it again." I said tilting his head up to me, wiping his tear with the pad of my thumb.

"Don't try, just don't do it! I won't lose you too. It will kill me if something bad happened to you. I already lost the most important person in my life once, and I won't go through it again! I can't, I just can't!" He cried more and more. Looking at me with teary eyes.

Pulling him close to me and giving him a soft passionate kiss to calm him down. "Hush, my love. I will stop drinking like that…"

"You promise? Promise me right now. Promise that you won't leave me too."

My heart folded, how could I not promise him that and the world. "I promise I won't leave you. No, correction. I vow that I won't leave you."

"Good" he gave a soft chuckle, "I'll hold you to that…Let's sleep now. You need rest" he said as he cuddled against me.

"What I needed was you most of all" I quipped in my head.

"I am sorry, I left you here alone" he kissed my chest. I hadn't realized I said my thought out loud until I saw the look on his face.

Continue to run my hands through his hair, "it's okay. Its over now"

"Please get some rest now. You look so tired" he spoke, running the back of his hand over my cheek right before he kissed me. I don't know what I love more about him, but this right here. It felt like a revolution to an obsession. After what seem like a few minutes, I fell in a deep sleep, thinking of how I can be a better boyfriend to protect Ayato.

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