Be water, my friend

All of this was just so exhausting. My body bore wound after wound, and they healed with the bitter aftertaste called pain. This cycle repeated itself over and over again, I just could not escape it.

I still wonder why I do all this to myself, what makes me want to get up again and again when the answer is always the same. It seems so free of meaning when I think about it. Only bitter disappointment is waiting for me at the end.

It may be enough for some people to inflict pain on other beings in order to live a long and fulfilled life, but I do not belong in this category. This way of thinking was quite strange and mainly raised questions about the state of the mental health of the person holding such a belief.

The fact, that my sister's visage appeared in front of my mind right now was certainly a mere coincidence. An angel like her would never feel such lesser desires, however, the princess was of little relevance in the present situation.

She was certainly not the reason that I was willing to get up again and again to bear more suffering. For one to voluntarily go through with this, either a pinch of idiocy is required or an even bigger dose of masochism.

That was a scenario where I could only lose. Either I'm an idiot who thinks he's smart or my character is defunct with no hope of recovery. What I learn about myself in this world is disillusioning; the discoveries I make, I do not like them one bit.

This mindless violence is a constant companion of mine. No matter where my journey takes me, it follows every step of mine and catches up with me regardless of whether I like it or not. Unfortunately, this love was only one-sided.

I will never find this level of determination on another person ever again. It aches my heart, but we were never meant to be. I hope you find someone that loves you equally in this world. But I really enjoyed the time we spent together....er.

Why is there always this one person who can't read the room? I do my best to think about other things, but no, the fine Mr Wolf has nothing better to do than getting on my nerves. I am so infinitely sorry that I did not give you, such a wonderful being, all the attention of this world.

As it turns out violence can be enjoyable, but in this case, it is more than justified.

Minding your own business is seemingly unheard-of in this uncultured world. But everyone was very eager to ensure that the Reaper enjoys a stable rate of employment.

How these creatures could exist until today is a total mystery to me. Evolution has completely failed if such a creature has been able to reproduce at all. I hope for all that is holy that this creature is only a relic of a distant past.

Otherwise, this world is doomed. There is no future when the present is still in the past. Change is long overdue and this creature is long past its expiry date. This creature is not a symbol of danger, it is one for lazy game design though. Which mage would find this kind of animal challenging? It would bore them to death.

It's absolutely no surprise that almost everyone was chasing me when the rest of this game world is so devoid of meaning. What purpose could there possibly be behind this game? I'm slowly running out of ideas, maybe it's just a scheme of money laundering and this game was designed by the trainee.

There are too many things that defy common sense and in the midst of all this nonsense, I wonder what the hell I'm doing here. To think clearly under such abstruse circumstances bordered on the impossible. Where is an instruction manual if you really want to read it for once?

Beating the truth out of the wolves did not yield any results either, it was not due to the lack of trying from my side. The sole effect it had was to attract more creatures without any manners. It had proved to be very effective in this aspect.

Another pointless repetition of unnecessary bloodshed later I found myself at the same position and still wondering about the purpose of all of this. As in tradition nothing ever changes. Seeking any higher meaning in carnage is wasted effort and believing anything else is lunacy.

For even the noblest of intentions cannot conceal the fact that at its core it remains pure barbarism. The act of killing another existence is undoubtedly woven into our DNA.

The people who claim to be above their cruel past have learned nothing from it. Civilization is built on the blood spilt by many. It should never be forgotten that every single human being has this potential within him.

Unfortunately, the idea of civilization represents an ideal that does not correspond to reality. Modern is nothing more than an empty title because our roots still linger in the dark.

This does not mean that this idea has no value, on the contrary, it strives for a higher morality and shares a different idea of responsibility. It is undoubtedly not free of mistakes, but it is still better than anything that came before it.

In any case, it is the best possible choice compared to life in the past.

I have forgotten what a lovely sensation it is to be able to ponder about issues without anyone interrupting me. I be damned, miracles, they do exist. With great anticipation, I waited for whatever would spoil the mood this time.

Nothing in here happens without a reason, so if things develop positively, then something is terribly wrong. I can feel it, somewhere out there is that heinous and detestable event that will ruin everything.

I stared into the void, to stand my ground against the danger which would attack me soon. If you want me, here I am.

My enemy did not wait and I could hear it in the distance. It was the vilest and most treacherous creature known to men. Tales of its cruelty and their omnipresence were told all over the world. It was a spawn directly from hell and it knew no mercy. It was a child.

But due to my utter dismay, it was not only one child, it was a cluster of children. Their voices caused countless memories of utter despair to resurface. A menace of this kind would bring anyone to their knees.

One can only understand the true horror that is a child, after spending seemingly endless hours trapped in a plane with them. That one trip with my little cousin was a first-hand experience about this madness.

I miss that little shit, I just hope that he did not grow up to become as rotten as his parents. Sadly, kids are very easy to influence at that age. What a shame, the likelihood of him ending up as obnoxious as his parents is astronomically high.

Being forced to listen to the same screeching and sounds of childish screaming was not the most pleasant sensation, to say the least. It was another mental torture I was involuntarily listening to. How anyone can withstand this onslaught of noise without losing their sanity is beyond me.

I was not cut out to be a parent, that much was certain. Right now I found getting slashed by monsters a preferable alternative. But I was looking forward to finally shut them up for good. It was a primitive urge and I could not care any less, I just wanted to give them a taste of their medicine.

Before this cursed being got what it was due, it had already disappeared. I did not understand a single thing it had said, but it was enough to kno it was finally gone. Lets never meet again. Else I might just show how considerate I truly am.

And no I am not threatening violence on children, how could I do something like that? I have long stepped past merely uttering empty threats, I will actually follow through with them.

No one here would give me any consideration, so why should I behave like a reasonable person? Should I act like these reasonable developers who included children into this fabricated space? How can I be any crueller than those who teach others to kill even the youngest without any mercy?

I do not have any idea what kind of environment these players have grown up in and quite frankly their ideals seem to differ greatly from the ones I can deem logical. Involving young children in all of this seems too barbaric and without any logic whatsoever.

I was still stuck in this training simulation for magicians because no children would be in this space full of guts and rotting corpses. Finding children with their bodies still intact amidst of these bloodthirsty wolves is not an everyday occurrence.

Being accompanied by the flame wielding maniac from my previous memories was also a sign that something was amiss. The more I thought about it the more I came to realize that the reality I desire is still far away.

But I can tell, there exists a task for me in here and I need to solve it if I want to see for myself. While it is by no means a pleasant experience, it is still crucial if I want to move forward.

It was easy to come to terms with my fate if the lack of alternatives determined my course of action. Anything was better than dying, because who knows what would await me afterwards? This version is already crazy enough there is no need to gamble again.

Even if this is tiring and saps the very life out of me, there is still something that keeps me here. Although I can not tell exactly why it feels like that to me. I do hope to find an answer to that question.

What unreasonable motivation causes such a determination for an inarguably bad cause? I am a man of many faces but I can not recognize my own reflection. The more I learn about myself the more I also lose.

It just does not feel real, it all seems as fake as the simulated world I am currently residing in. The worst part is I do not even know why I feel this way. Without any rhyme or reason, it just is not right. I fail to put it into words just how much this affects me.

It is eating at me and I have doubts about who or what I actually am or what I once was. Why all these thoughts came up just now is also concerning and eludes my understanding.

Who the hell am I?

The lack of answers drove me crazy, I just couldn't accept it. It should make me sad, but I don't even have that feeling, I just feel so devoid of anything. No, I do not feel empty, it just as if something is missing.

It would be so much easier if it did not always have to be so cumbersome and complex. Let me be normal for once. Just this once please don't let me be the victim of myself.

No, no, no. It doesn't work like that around here. It demands this confusion and all this chaos. It is a requirement, it is an obligation. it is a part of me.

I was a mental wreck. It might be easier to list the aspects that do not deviate that strongly from the general populace. Now I only got to find those and then I know just how normal I truly am. Yet, despite my mind racing unlike ever before I could not find a single thing which we had in common.

It was laughable, it was highly debatable whether I still could be referred to as a human being in the first place and now I found myself in this weird place, so in what aspect is any of this normal? I am an alien in both worlds.

Once more everything has begun to crumble and crash down on me, standing in the ruins of despair and without any meaning, I still wonder why I am incapable of building anew. I have been handed a new chance at all of this, yet the debris is still beyond salvaging.

Why am I condemned to stand still when everything else keeps on moving? What chains me to visions of the past, which ties bind me down preventing me from moving on? What does my heart know which my brain does not?

How long do I intend to fight a battle I can not emerge victorious from? Nothing can be gained by using the rubble to build something new. Everything has to be destroyed and rebuild from scratch.

As long as the foundation remains, the broken pieces from my self, I can not expect any other outcome. The integrity will always be flawed and shall never become whatever I want it to be. Else it will never be more than a shiny facade, hiding the putrid smell of failure underneath.

So rather than insisting on finding out answers or the solutions to a broken system, I should rather focus on establishing a new one. Finding a reason to live in all of this mess, is that the reason for me to be here?

I would have prefered candidly clad woman but carnal lust is not something for the puritans of this world. Once their eyes spot an ankle their lust bone pierce the highest heavens. Beating your meat with magic is an interesting concept I have not considered yet.

One long breath later I could finally confirm that I had calmed down from my mind spinning in circles. It is crazy to believe how helpless I am in this spiral of self-doubt. I am confused and still desperately seek something intangible.

Although I still realize that nothing good comes out of it by giving myself into these feelings as my problems can not be solved by screaming into the world to vent my frustrations. If it was that easy to solve I would not be sitting here brooding over the issue.

Maybe I really should switch my approach and be less rigid on my views. Being open-minded is the least I can do if I want to understand my surroundings and myself. A famous quote appeared in my mind from a famous martial artist dressed in a yellow jumpsuit.

You should not define and limit yourself regardless of what others might say. Your purpose is therefore not in relation to your restrictions but in the task itself.

It truly is an inspiring quote about finding one's motivation but sadly It is not up to my choosing what my task at hand is. If the world is void of any plans or meaning for me, do I even have a place to start?

Merely a foreign body and a glorified plaything for a select group of beings. I would be lying through my teeth if I say that I am full of hope of finding a light in the darkness. The odds are stacked against me and there nothing I could do that can change that fact.

I am without shape or form and my identity is nothing more than a construct of my mind. So someone please tell me, where is the ray of light in these dire times? Because I can not see it. Turning to cynicism is the only reply I can muster.

What else can I embrace when the situation is hopeless and interchangeable? I can not turn to religion in order to appease my mind. Any form of comfort makes coming to terms with it easier.

So why do I keep on enduring, when everything is outside of my control?

I struggle because the alternative is that more fearsome. Danger can be found at any corner in here and my life expectancy reflects that. I deal with monsters and magicians, and powerful beings I can not understand. Do not even get me started about the useless set of skills I rely on.

The day of my untimely end will come, that is certain. But it pales in comparison to what I fear the most.

The terror of the unknown has me horrified beyond any compare. The mere notion that these things can be compared is laughable in my eyes. I can grasp what is in front of my eyes, yet not what follows. The reality I know will come to an inevitable end.

Death knows neither friend nor foe, we are all equally insignificant in its gaze. It is not death itself that I fear, it is in the end simply a concept. It marks the end of something, nothing more.

Afterlife is the true dread. It is a bottomless gulf swallowing everything. What lies beyond and what will happen to me?

That is what scares me.