A begining again

The rest of this is a summer of incidents that happened following his initial intake interview. I'll keep these up to date for you, I have a feeling the next month or so will be very stressful, not all this information was in front of Harold but all of it involves him in some way. I've attempted to limit his exposure but it's hard for him to step back into being "child" when Libby had him acting as an adult. Sophie even calls Harold "Daddy".

On Aug 10th Libby contacted me to let me know the results of the testing they'd done to her knee and discus the options they had given her. The injury to her knee was apparently an aggravated injury from a fall she suffered back in winter. She requested Harold not be told about it because of fear he would blame himself. I told her I supported that given the fact he'd had a lot to adjust to in the last few days. At which point she asked about his intake evaluation. I told that we had no official results but it seemed like a big issue right now was Steve. This upset her and she wanted to know when he was gonna go up to The Reed property. I explained that I didn't think he would want to at this time, at least not before school started. I told her also that the intake recommendation was that he not be exposed to Steve due to the trauma suffered at his hands and possible borderline PTSD. I let her know Harold was informed that he is old enough to have a lawyer speak about his desires. This seemed to scare Libby and I explained that it was only because he was worried she wouldn't listen to him. She said she understood, assuring me that she would not take him as long as he was doing good then offered to speak to him about this. I told her I would like her to come over for a visit just the two of them at some point. Then we spoke about the career booklet he was given by mental health. She seemed heavily intent on him going into the military. We spoke for some time and she even asked about him possibly going to AA and/or NA. Her main worry there was if he went to one or both of those would it effect his eligibility for the military. I assured her it would not. Before she said she needed to go and requested Harold call her later as we were eating dinner.

I told her that wouldn't be an issue. Harold made the call from the back porch and after a few min began to pace, his expression changed to one of rage. I poked my head out to see if everything was ok and he signaled that Steve was yelling in the background. Less than 10 min later he got off the phone saying she had asked for him to txt her back later. I asked him why she couldn't talk and he told me Steve was yelling at her in the background complaining she needed to get off the phone and tend to the girls and spend time with them.

About 15 min before bed he attempted to message her before bed but it took her almost an 40 min to respond, he didn't get to see it until the next day. When he told her this she simply said it's ok.

Sunday 13th: Libby has not spoken to Harold since Friday the 11th and Harold has had no behavioral issues. He goes for football jersey fitting tomorrow.

Monday 14th: Harold did go to his football fitting he's ineligible to play until he gets his physical but he can help out with the team and learn the plays. He'll get his physical on Friday. Around 5pm Libby showed up with the girls and Steve without any type of notice or warning. I stated that this wasn't acceptable, Libby apologized and Steve got snotty stating that he could leave. I asked him what was the point he was already here. According to Libby they'd been in the neighborhood looking at houses and even looked into the house that had started the $45 issue from 2014 as it was open again. Harold was happy to see his mom and the girls, but not Steve. Claudia was walking through the house and fell over her own feet at one point to which Steve responded by laughing and telling her that's what she gets for falling. He didn't bother to check her to make sure she was ok first, and the look on Harold's face was pure rage. My dad asked Steve to come out on the back porch with him at that point and Libby asked me what was wrong so I took her out front. I again explained to her that she needs to let me know before showing up especially with Steve due to Harold's condition. She responded simply by stating she wished she knew why Harold suddenly hated Steve. I told her that I didn't know. I suggested part of it could be his anger with Harold but until we got Harold going to therapy regularly there was nothing we could do. We spoke some about the houses she was looking at, one of which was right across the street from the Forest Park Apartments. I didn't bother to tell her I felt that would be just as bad of an idea as her moving two blocks away. Then she asked what Harold thought so we called him out front to speak with us. Harold said if they got a house he would only visit on weekends if Steve was nice. He didn't want to tell say in front of his mother but he stated later he didn't want them just 3 or 4 blocks away, it was too close for his comfort and Libby said the main reason she wanted that place was so they could set up the place to appear as if he still lived with them in case of a DHS inspection or something along these lines. Libby again started to ask why he didn't like Steve so forth, Harold didn't have an answer so I asked him if he felt he had a right to make dissections for Libby. He said no, even though it would directly affect him. Libby asked him why he wanted to have get a lawyer and he said in case she tried to take him. She asked if she'd ever done that before and he said no. She stated that as long as he was good and behaving that she wouldn't take him. Libby asked him what she could do to Harold happy, he told her to change the way Steve acted in front of and around other people and he'd be happy. Libby stated that Steve had changed, but Harold said that wasn't enough. After that Libby didn't seem to want to talk about too much and almost had an attitude of 'Leave me alone'. Harold went back into the house and I spoke with her about the current living situation. She stated that in the past Jason only made unwanted sexual comments to her but nothing was physical however she said "we think Jason was the one molested Sophie". They didn't stay long as they had an open house to get to but as always, we made sure the girls ate before they left since they hadn't eaten since breakfast. Later I had Libby call me to inform her of an apartment complex across town, Harold was more comfortable with that. On the call, she told me about Jason yelling at Sophie for watching a movie on Steve's phone. I again offered her and the girls to stay with us but Steve would have to go into Portland or something until we got Harold's mental health tended to. I also stated this would be temporary until they got their own place. She stated that she'd think about it.

Tuesday 15th: Harold went to the school for the football practice but claimed he couldn't find any team mates or the coaches. I explained this was why he should have stayed yesterday so that if they changed meeting times or something he would be aware of it. He said he understood. Later in the day Libby contacted me me asking what doctor Harold was going to see for his sports physical, I asked her if I could call her later. She said that was fine. Before I called her, she spoke to Harold via Facebook, when he asked how she was she told him that she was pissed. He asked why and she said it was because she felt like he doesn't need her. Harold did talk to me about this but Libby made a snide comment that her statement was just another thing for him to talk to me about. When I called her a bit later I pretended like I didn't know the details of their conversation so as to save her from retaliating against him. She told me what she had said and that she felt like he didn't need anything from her. I assured her that he did still need her and even suggested some things she could get him. Like more socks, boxers, or a new bike since his got left when they moved. She said that his got left because of the broken chain, but they'd had a new chain for it. They'd wanted Harold to "work for it" not just hand it to him. She stated had he packed his room they would have given him the new chain. Later I checked with Harold to find out if they'd told him about the chain and he said no.

Before bed he let me know that Libby had asked if he wanted to her to leave him alone, he said a little bit so he could focus. He also said that he blocked Carl (Brandy's FTF) because according to Harold, Carl was demanding to know why he blocked Brandy. Harold told me it was none of Carl's business why, yet when I asked the same question he said it was because of Brandy's part in causing the eviction from appartments by not leaving when everyone else had left. At that point Libby had me call her, I spoke to Libby and Steve both. They were very upset and stated that Harold had been very disrespectful to them. We spent around half an hour speaking about how Harold doesn't want to be around Steve or his family.

When I stated this Steve said that he only came around so that Harold could speak to him "like a man" and that he would come down and "set Harold straight" and then tell him to pack his shit because he was going home (to The Reed property). I told him that wouldn't help anything and only made him look like a bully. Then I tried to explain to Steve why it was that Harold would say he liked Steve if asked directly but to everyone else made it clear he didn't. Steve nor Libby grasped the concept that Harold lied to them to make Libby happy and avoid physical backlash from Steve. As if to sooth his own ego Steve stated that he already told Harold he planed to kick Harold out when he turns 18 to live on his own. Steve claimed to believe this is what parents are supposed to do, and says that Harold is welcome back if he can't survive on his own. Steve also told me that Harold has been twisting things to make himself seem like the victim and Libby and Steve out to be the bad guys. I acknowledged what he said then suggested a therapist would be able to get to the bottom of this.

Libby stated that she didn't know who was filling Harold's head with this but she wished they would stop because she can't deal with this stress. I stated that I understood, and my desire was that the family stay happily together but since all this was going on what did she think. She said right now she was ready to send Harold to boot camp. I told her that I'd try to speak to him about this. After I got off the phone, I spoke to Harold who said that he wasn't being disrespectful he was just telling her how he felt and that he'd only meant he didn't want her showing up with Steve unannounced. I explained to him again that while he is welcome to stay in my home and I've no problem helping him, he needs to make sure that he does show his mother the proper respect because she IS still his mother. He said he understood, he even insisted that I read his FB messenger so I could see what his mom was saying and his answers. In all fairness, I didn't see anything wrong with what or how he said it but I can see how a person could take it wrong, if they wanted to. In my opinion Libby wanted to take it wrong. She's never been the type of person that could take responsibility for screwing up without going into some type of emotional melt down. Why she ever thought she could handle the military is beyond me, the woman cant even handle a child's tantrum without having one of her own. He also confessed that he only started Football because he wanted to make My dad happy since My dad had been talking about how much fun and how much fun he'd had playing it. My dad and I both told Harold that he needs to pick sports that HE wants to do, because he thinks it will be fun. Not because he wants to please us. This did confirm my early fears of the misplaced sense of obligation; however I couldn't help but wonder if this was also due in part to the stress Libby was putting on him.

Wednesday 16th: Everything seemed normal, Harold was having a good day, no issues, that we knew about. Around noon his mom asked to come over and see me, we attempted to contact the theripist and got an appointment for Friday. I didn't get the message from Libby until around 4pm so I had Harold go with My mom to the store. Libby came over and told me how her psych evaluation for DHS went and that they're going to try to get her full disability. She said she went to community action network and found out about some camp sites for tents with electricity for $300/month down at the marina. We also spoke about her getting Harold more school supplies for when he runs out and a backup backpack. I said it wasn't a bad idea, then she mentioned that Harold had been speaking to Mark again I said that I wasn't told that. Given this was the first time in quite a few years I'd heard of Mark having any contact with Harold or even Libby I asked for more details. Libby said it was because Kimberly (Mark's step-mom) died, at the time I had no clue who she was referring to. They stated that if Harold wanted them to "leave him the hell alone" they would respect his wishes and "leave him the hell alone". I stated that even if they did I would not, they said that's why they would. (I don't feel a 14 year old needs to be "left the hell alone" for extended periods of time as it can harm emotional and social growth. That is not to say that at times he may need space to calm down or express himself. However, I feel there is a clear line between room to express and neglect.) After checking FB I discovered Harold knew about it all day but didn't tell us. He didn't have an answer for why that was but did say that he spent about 30 min in the bathroom crying. I told him that was normal, and we did our best to comfort him. He expressed worry over his mother dying suddenly and stated that he wanted to try to see her this weekend. He was hoping for Friday after her therapy appointment, and I told him that we'd see what we could do. I believe in the grief he forgot we had plans for the weekend leading up to the eclipse. I didn't remind him because I didn't want to upset him further.

Thursday 17th: Everything seemed normal today, there was no mention of Kim. He did state once that he wanted to try to call his father when we got home, I told him that was fine but when we got home we all got busy with dinner and the phone company. I forgot and he didn't ask again to remind me. Libby has been communicating periodically with Harold, Mark does not unless Harold contacts him first. Libby thus far has remained verbally supportive although I've noticed she'll tell Harold all the negative things that are happening in their life rather than good and bad. I've noticed this makes Harold depressed.

29th: Libby came to visit Harold after some doctors appointments and they had a decent visit. Libby told Harold they would be moving to the Marina soon. Harold asked if Sophie could go to school in our town to so he could walk her home. They had a decent though at the end Libby asked Harold if he was over being mad at Steve yet. Harold said no, and immediately went back inside. I felt he did this, so he didn't have to deal with this line of questioning. I spoke to Libby, and she stated that Harold needed to "get over this" because everyone misses him. I said I understood but the "fake it til you make it" was only a temp fix and wouldn't solve whatever was the cause. I explained that I would like to find a long term solution not a quick band-aid that's gonna put him right back in the cycle that landed him staying with me to begin with. She seemed to think it over and agreed she was tired of the fights between him, Steve and her.

30th: After a few more doc appointments Libby came over and I let her know the school district required us to have a notarized PoA, which they were willing to notarize for us so we would not have to pay any. To which she responded by throwing a tantrum at the district office, crying hysterically and getting loud, going so far as to literally start sobbing on the floor and kicking and screaming while down there. However, she didn't walk out and did end up signing the paperwork. Her case worker from DHS also confronted her about Harold's residency. Libby finally admitted that to her that Harold isn't in her home to which her DHS worker stated that she will no longer receive benefits for him after September. This of course upset Libby, even though we had spoken about different options we could go over with the case worker.

31st: I took Harold in to see if he could get his own food stamps, which we found out since I have PoA and he's in my home he would not be able to get his own but I can get them with him under me. We adjusted the paperwork for my DHS to include him. I spoke privately to the front desk since Harold expressed some lingering worry about Libby. The front desk said we should file for emergency custody based on the abuse Harold has suffered. I didn't speak to Harold about this but I have looked into it. While I think it's important, I'm not 100% sure if that is the correct path to take when everything is still up in the air so to speak.

1st: Libby asked My mom and I to drive her to OHSU for an MRI, we did and on the way back through town we picked up Harold so he could spend some time with his mother, while at the hospital he returned a call from Mark. While returning Libby seemed to have an attitude the whole time. When I asked her what was up she wouldn't talk to me. We dropped Harold off and then I got her to tell me that she was upset because Harold called Mark back but won't speak to Steve. She also told me that CSD was at the place we're she was staying but she doesn't know what they want and they haven't received a call back from the worker. Later when I got home, My mom and I were cooking dinner when Harold told us that Libby told him that CSD said they need to move or they will be taking the girls into state custody. Libby also told him not to tell us.

5th: Libby contacted me to find out how Harold's first day was at the new school, I told her what I knew, and asked if Harold had spoken to her. She said no and she didn't want me to force him to talk to her. I asked her if she'd heard back from CSD and she said she still has not.

End of the month: Libby continued to bring Steve with her and the girls to see Harold. I again explained to Libby that she and the girls were not the issue and that Steve could not be with her when she came to the house as it could hurt Harold's recovery/healing. She made comments at that time about not being allowed to take both girls without Steve or one of his family members with her. When I tried address that with her she left. All I could think of was the movie "Not without my daughter."

Fall-

Thanksgiving: Libby had minimal contact with us from September until Thanksgiving and did not contact us until 5pm to come see Harold, I asked her to wait until after we finished dinner and she expressed how unhappy she was with that and that she felt like I was making her set an appointment to see Harold. I told her that was not the case I was only asking that he be allowed to have diner first and that she would do the same to me. At 6pm I let her know we done eating. They arrived around an hour later. It was short visit that again forced Harold into having to spend time with Steve. Something that I'd repeatedly told Libby for the last several month that Harold did NOT want, I also explained that his therapist thought it was a bad idea and every time she did this she was effectively saying her desires mattered more then her son's mental health. Steve tried to step in at this point but what he said was that he only came down because Libby forced him to. To which I told Libby was another problem she needed to face, that Steve didn't really care about Harold. He'd said it before and I knew he'd say it again. Every time she always said that Steve didn't mean it like that. I asked her if Harold says "I don't like Steve, I don't want him around me." And Steve is saying "I don't like Harold, I don't want him around me." What does that mean? According to Libby it meant they were having argument about something and needed time to work it out because they really did love each other.

At that point my thoughts: Libby nor Steve seem willing or able to accept that they are at fault in any way for Harold's condition, to the point that they don't believe he has anything wrong with him other than what they perceive to be a simple an attitude problem. They've also stated that they believe "someone" is filling his head with these thoughts and refuse to accept that they could very well be Harold's true feelings. Yet when Harold is in my care he is almost always smiling, happy, helpful around the house, and very respectful.

There have been times we've asked him to explain why he's doing something, or if he think what he's done is good enough. For example: He and I were putting things away in the garage, I told him to put the gas cans in the garage then the buckets, and leave room for the lawn mower. I let him do it, watching in case he wanted help. He put it away without a problem and everything was perfect, he said he was done and I asked him if he were sure. He got a little frustrated and stated rearranging everything, after about 10 min or so I asked him why he as doing it. He got more upset and didn't want to talk for a moment, then finally said he didn't know. I told him that I wasn't asking because he did anything wrong, I was asking because I wanted to make sure he was confident with the work he'd done.

Another example: I helped him load and unload the dishwasher 3 or 4 times then started letting him do it on his own (he shooed me away stating that he could do it.) I let him show me then the next day he did it without any encouragement and he let me know when he was done, I asked if he was ok with me checking it, he said yes. I corrected the minor flaws and explained why, then complimented him on a job well done.

Other issues or concerns: Harold has expressed his desire for me to adopt him on several occasions, even asking why I'm not his mom. While I'm not opposed to the idea privately, I am worried that he's only saying that in an attempt to stroke my ego as I've seen Libby and Steve expect from him. I do not want him to request I take custody of him because he thinks I want it. In my opinion that should only happen if it's necessary for his own safety and/or peace of mind. He's also wanted to change his name to match mine, or make a new name for himself, again I believe this is up to him but needs to be done for his betterment not to stroke someone's ego or attempt to make them feel better. Which sadly he seems conditioned to do.