CHAPTER 39 - LETTING GO

Over the course of the next four days, our schedules were jam-packed with the final tasks that needed to be completed. This meant that my time with Eugene was, unfortunately, limited. It wasn't that I was excessively preoccupied, but rather that Eugene, being in the production department, had to shoulder an incredibly significant role during this period. Fully aware of the magnitude of his responsibilities, I found myself unable to voice any complaints. Instead, I took on the role of babysitter, ensuring that he received adequate rest and nourishment by preparing his meals and forcing him to sleep whenever he visited me. Balancing his needs became my top priority, despite the constraints on our time together.

Lorraine jokingly taunted me, implying that I was behaving like a wife for him. Strangely, instead of disregarding her comment, it ignited a slight feeling of unease inside me. Nonetheless, despite the disquieting thought, I felt an urge to continue pampering him. All I wanted was to return the unfaltering comfort he had consistently given me. I just wished to be there for him.

Our unofficial three-month anniversary together was approaching, and a mix of awareness and concern was filling inside me. I didn't know the exact date, but only that it was somewhere around this time. What actually scared me was that my heart remained unchanged when it came to Eugene. Instead of the expected doubts or my usual boredom, our bond seemed to have deepened, and he has honestly become a part of my everyday life. I never openly acknowledged it, not even to myself, preferring to deny the truth rather than accept it and take the next step. I was a coward when it came to confronting my own emotions, and this time was no different.

Whenever I craved solitude, Eugene instinctively sensed my discomfort and provided me with enough time and space without getting offended or calling me a drama queen. Unlike my former boyfriends, whose smothering attentions bogged me down and left me dying for some alone time, Eugene knew the balance between companionship and personal breathing room. It was this understanding that made me appreciate him more. In return, I also respected his personal space, refraining from disturbing him during moments of distraction until he felt ready to open up.

On numerous occasions, the thought of mustering the courage to ask him to officially be my boyfriend flickered across my thoughts, only to be promptly overshadowed by trepidation. I was afraid that the magic we have now would change once we started dating. Eugene has gifted me an abundance of breathtaking memories and heartfelt moments, ones I hold dear and wish to preserve. I couldn't let those memories be tainted by the knowledge of what was to come. Sure, our relationship wouldn't be all rainbows and butterflies at every moment. Even if we do start a relationship, we are bound to break up one day, as countless couples eventually do. This world isn't a fairytale, and I have learned not to put blind faith in the idea of happily ever after.

So, after much contemplation on my part, especially since I had too much time on my own to think things through, I arrived at a final decision: once the shoot concludes, bringing an end to this 'friends with benefits relationship' would be the most beneficial thing for both of us. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but I had to, for the sake of Eugene, at least.

Although the thought of never stumbling upon anyone quite like him again fills me with a touch of hopelessness, deep down, I am convinced that he is destined to be with a girl who's even more amazing than I could ever be. Eugene deserves that kind of love, and as much as it pains me, I could never bring myself to ask him to bear the weight of sacrifice for me. I am head over heels for Eugene, and I can't bear the thought of holding him back from a bright and beautiful future just so that I could have him temporarily.

...........

"You look distracted."

We were in a park, around a few kilometers away from the hotel. Eugene, for once, returned early today, and he had a few extra hours to spare. I proposed that we go out somewhere, and he readily agreed, despite looking sleepy and tired. As it was past nine o'clock, the park was deserted, leaving a pair of swings unoccupied for us to use. My feet kept swaying gently, making me feel as if I were floating. I enjoyed swings, but at this moment, they failed to offer me the comfort they typically would. Instead, there was a lead in my heart that was weighing me down.

"And you look tired."

I replied, keeping a confident smile on my face despite the nervousness bubbling inside me. Today, Nathaniel informed me that our tasks were quickly coming to an end, and in just one week's time, we would be packing up and heading back to California for post-production work. Unfortunately, it was also made clear that the art team would not be joining us on this trip.

"Hmm. The work load is crazy. I just hope it will be over soon."

He sighed, and though I nodded my head, my heart fell. Despite Eugene's desire to end the shooting, I did not share the same sentiment. It could only mean two things. Either he doesn't feel as connected as me, or he thinks we will continue being this way even after the shoot. As much as I wanted to express this concern to him, his constant yawning and sleepy smile made it difficult for me to do so. Besides, it is evident that any attempt to broach the topic would lead to tears welling up in my eyes.

"We should go back. You could use the time to get some shut-eye."

I rose, avoiding his gaze, as the weight of guilt settled upon me. This was an unfamiliar sensation, one I had never experienced before. Suddenly, Eugene reached out and grasped my wrist, tugging me onto his lap. The swing swayed slightly, its iron bars groaning in protest under the added burden. Thankfully, Eugene's feet remained planted firmly on the ground, preventing us from tumbling to the earth below.

"Dude, we could have fallen."

I exclaimed in panic, clutching his shoulder and neck tightly, fearing for my life. Eugene dismissed it with laughter and nestled his head against my chest, snuggling near my collar. The warmth of his breath brushed against my skin while his hands encircled my waist, drawing me closer. I must admit, our settlement was far from comfortable; the swing was too short for my long legs, and the weight of Eugene pressed the chain into my flesh, causing my back to ache. But would I trade this for a comfortable position? No, definitely not.

I relied on his legs, and I wrapped my hands around his head, dragging him nearer. I caressed his scalp, inhaling his scent—a fusion of gel and sweat. It possessed a poisonous allure that engulfed me. Though I was twenty-seven and he was twenty-nine, I felt like a teenager. Not the fluttering butterflies of infatuation, but the certainty that I was with the right person. Initially, I thought he was falling into a nap, but then he began to mumble.

"When are you leaving?"

I hesitated for a fleeting moment, about to ask him what he meant, but I knew better than that. There was no need to play dumb; he saw right through my charade. Does he also know how conflicted I was about all this?

"Next Saturday."

I said, although I have not acquired the tickets yet. Nathaniel did inform me that I had the liberty to leave any time after Saturday and that I could take a two-week period of vacation before they required my presence.

"My contract finishes on Thursday."

As the conversation veered towards our schedule, I felt an inexplicable pang of unease creeping up within me. I didn't want to talk about anything else but us. However, the territory was too dangerous, and I was afraid I would say something wrong.

"I got another project. It's a Taiwan movie. I guess I'll be leaving on Monday or Tuesday."

Once more, his words hung in the air, waiting for a response. But this time, I remained silent, my emotions bubbling just beneath the surface. My eyes threatened to betray me as they filled with tears, ready to spill over onto my cheeks. It was a hard pill to swallow, accepting that it was truly over between us. We were putting an end to this phase, going our separate ways. I should have felt relief knowing that he didn't expect me to carry on, but instead, an unbearable pain gnawed at my heart, tearing it into countless fragments. It was a sensation unlike any I had experienced before—a haunting ache that whispered of lost love and shattered dreams.

"All the best."

Was all I could say.

I wished to ask him to come with me or that I would go with him no matter where. But my lips remained sealed. I was unable to make a promise that I know I will never fulfill. Eugene remained silent for the next fifteen minutes, and during that time, I took the opportunity to gather my thoughts. I realized that it would be challenging for me to genuinely smile around him anymore.

I knew that my feelings of anger and sorrow were purely self-centered and unkind, but the fact that he didn't want to continue whatever f*cking relationship we had together stirred up these negative emotions within me. I felt a deep sadness, and I was afraid that my rages would reach a point of eruption. And I didn't want that to happen, knowing fully well that I was at fault. I took a deep breath, praying badly that my voice wouldn't betray the devastation I was experiencing inside.

"I think it would be better if we wouldn't see each other from now on."

The words I needed to say struggled to break free. Each syllable felt like a burden, dragging me deeper into my own vulnerability. My throat ached with the effort, and my voice emerged as a ragged whisper, worn-out and weary. Eugene's arms around me tightened as if out of instinct. My heart skipped a beat in response, and a flicker of hope ignited within me. Was he about to protest and urge me to stay? I might crumble and give in if he merely asked. Yet, as quickly as my heart soared, it plummeted again when his hands loosened their grip and fell loose to my sides.

"I guess so."

His head remained securely nestled on my chest, leaving me certain that the rhythmic pounding of my heart must have echoed in his ears. Could he hear it crying? I longed to express to him the immense joy he brought into my life as well as the profound sense of loss that would accompany his absence. However, I remained silent, fully aware that any attempt to articulate my emotions would invariably lead to tears. So, all I could do was hold tightly onto him, wordlessly conveying the love and ache that swelled within me. Eugene also stayed mute, but the heaviness of his breathing spoke volumes.

As Eugene slowly lifted his head, a sudden surge of panic washed over me. My tears had already escaped their confines, trickling down my cheeks, threatening to betray the composure I desperately clung to. In an attempt to shield my vulnerability, I instinctively covered his eyes, my hands trembling. I feared that once he saw the tears staining my face, the fragile bubble we had created would burst. Although my abrupt movement initially startled him, he made no effort to recoil or remove my hands.

My heart raced as I leaned down, my lips meeting his in a desperate, lingering kiss. Our mouths melded together, and in that moment, the world faded away. It was our last kiss, and we both felt the weight of that knowledge, fueling our passion and desire. As our kiss deepened, the taste of salt mingled with our fervent movements. It could have been my tears staining our lips, or perhaps his. Normally, such a thought might have disgusted me, but right then, I disregarded any concerns. Nothing else mattered except him and me in that moment.

Eugene's arms enveloped me once again, holding me as if his very existence depended on it. I reciprocated by placing one hand gently on his neck while my other hand shielded his eyes from the world. As a violent sob clawed its way out of my chest, threatening to shatter me completely, I gently pushed him back, still feeling the warmth of his breath on my skin. Placing a tender kiss on his forehead and his left ear, my touch conveyed the love and care that words couldn't express. Though our time together was coming to an end, I wanted him to know how much he meant to me and that he was not just a temporary fling.

"Good bye, Eugene."

The words that escaped my lips were nothing more than a mere whisper, a murmur of desperation. And with that, I found myself literally running away, without a single glance back. Surprisingly, he didn't call out to me, nor did his voice echo through the empty street. It was as if the chapter with Eugene had finally come to an end. As I distanced myself from him, I knew deep down that everything was about to change. I would never be the same again. Love had shown me a side of myself I never knew existed. It had taught me to embrace my fears and let go of my inhibitions. It had taught me to take risks and not be afraid of getting hurt. But I was a coward. I was afraid of hurting him. And once again, I was running away from reality.

..........