Beside You Ch. 7: Look After You

Chapter Seven: Look After You

The day was long, and I didn't care much for it.

The air felt thick, the sun burned hotter, and all I wanted was a nice breath of fresh air.

I wanted to feel relaxed, but it was impossible right now.

I changed for Fitness, and I walked the field.

The person I was looking for was nowhere to be found.

Michael was supposed to be on the other side, harassing me for something.

I didn't care what he said. I just wanted him to be normal again.

This whole thing just sucked.

More than before, I regretted slapping him.

++++++++++

"Anything yet?" I asked Benny.

I glanced over at her, she was lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling, and I was doing the same thing.

"Nothing yet," she sighed after checking her phone for the millionth time today.

"What about earlier?" I asked, "Did Gus take him back to campus, or did he take him to the hospital?"

"Neither," she stated, "He is too high to be on campus, and he can't go to the hospital because they would be obligated to report it."

I wasn't sure how I felt about the whole situation, but I was worried about both of them.

"So, what does that mean?"

She took in a good-sized breath, "That means all Michael has had today is juice, and they are going to sit in a sauna on and off for a few hours."

"Juice?" I asked, "Does the sauna even really work?"

She shrugged, "They believe it does, and I trust them."

"Even after what Michael just did?" I asked.

"Yeah," she stated, "Just because he makes bad decisions when he's upset, doesn't mean you can't trust him."

I nodded slowly.

Her phone went off, and she was quick to sit up and answer it.

"Hello?"

I watched her cross her legs.

"Okay," she said with a nod.

I had no idea what was being said, but by the relief in her expression, I knew it was Gus on the other line.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

I sat up to look at her.

I wanted to know what they were talking about.

She only nodded her head as she listened to his voice.

"I'll ask her."

I met her gaze and smiled lightly.

"Do you want to meet them somewhere?"

I looked at her for a long minute, "What?"

"Gus thinks we should all be together," she said, "And I agree."

That is a change from this morning. He was surprised I showed up with Benny at all.

I was a little worried that he might not be as accepting of me as Benny.

"Okay," I said slowly.

"She said yes," Benny said with a grin.

I didn't exactly say yes, but I suppose it meant the same thing.

"Yeah," she said, "Okay, see you there."

I waited for her to tell me what just happened.

She stood up and went for her closet.

"Benny?" I asked.

"Gus says that Michael isn't looking good," she admitted, "He needs some help."

"Okay," I said.

"Don't tell Michael why we're there," she said, "He doesn't like to have people worry about him."

I stood up, and my gaze dropped to the floor.

I already knew that. That was why I slapped him this morning. The look on his face startled me.

I still didn't understand what that look meant. The idea of seeing him today, kind of scared me.

"So, where are we meeting them?" I asked, moving towards my own closet.

"The food court," she stated.

She stared into her closet, and I could tell that something was bothering her.

"Benny?" I asked, "What is it?"

She looked at me, but she didn't seem surprised.

"You can tell me," I assured her.

"He used to be so much worse," she said, "He would get into trouble, and he would disappear for days, so this is really kind of new."

I walked over to her, and I squeezed her hand, "We will get through this."

"I don't know how to face him like this," she admitted, "I don't know what to do."

"Well then, it is a good thing I'm here," I stated, "Because I do."

"You do?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said, though I didn't quite want to elaborate on how.

"Okay," she said, "I know I'm dragging you into all this, but I know you."

I stared back at her, and to be honest, I could say the same about her, about all three of them.

"I knew it was too fast, but you are different from the other girls I've met here," she said, "I can see it."

She pointed at my eye.

"Is there something on my face?" I asked her oddly.

"No, but there is something in your eyes," she stated, "They don't quite smile when you do, if I didn't know any better, I would think you went through something awful."

I tightened my grip on her hand.

"It's okay," she said, "That's why you are perfect for him."

"Please," I said, "I don't want to talk about that."

She hesitated before nodding, "Sorry."

I waited a minute before I let go of her hand.

"I know you've noticed," she said, "But I have trouble being around Michael sometimes."

I nodded, but I didn't look at her. I stood in front of my closet, and I gazed at the red dress.

"Yeah," I said.

I felt her eyes on me, "I want to ask about the bags, but I'm not really that surprised."

"Why?" I asked, "Is that normal for Michael?"

She didn't answer.

I glanced at her, and she made a face.

"Is it?" I asked.

"No," she finally responded, "He is treating you the way he treats me."

I knew that wasn't true, he was very open about how he felt about Benny. She bothered him, but he loved her. She is like a sister.

"He isn't nice to you," she asked, "Is he?"

I shrugged, "Is he bipolar?"

She chuckled, "No, but sometimes it will feel that way."

I smiled lightly.

"He doesn't want people around who are going to hurt him," she stated, "He's been hurt enough by people, so he tries to make people leave him alone by being mean."

I got the feeling he wasn't always mean.

"He used to be very kind," she said, "But he doesn't trust people anymore. A lot of people have tried to take advantage of him."

I met her gaze again. Is that what she thinks I'm doing?

"You have that same look," she said, "You've been hurt, so you try not to let people closer."

I had to look away. I didn't want her to see my reaction.

I felt like I couldn't breathe, but I knew she was right. It was obvious to see I had been hurt, but no one ever looked close enough to actually see it.

"You guys aren't the only ones," she said, "Gus had it pretty bad too."

I honestly couldn't tell. He is always so happy.

Though, I know some of the saddest people have the warmest smiles.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Gus's father was a big drinker," she said, "When he drank too much, he would always go after Gus's mother."

I felt horrified.

"How old was he?"

She turned to smile at me, but it was a sad one.

"I think it started when he was nine," she frowned, "Gus got strong so that he could protect her."

I had to close my eyes. I shut them tightly so that I didn't cry.

"His father left after Gus finally knocked him on his ass," she said, "His mother didn't handle it very well."

I turned back to look at her, and I could see it on her face.

"Gus only got stronger because I kept telling him that he was weak," she said, "How he loves me now I don't know. It's my fault he lost both of his parents."

Both of his parents? Is that the real reason his nickname is Guns?

"What happened to his mom?" I asked.

It was the first time I saw Benny cry. Tears started to pour down her face.

I could handle it when people cried. I could tolerate it when people were sick, but I couldn't watch her cry. It must have been bad if she can't talk about it.

I wrapped my arms around her, and she clung to me.

I was practically paralyzed as she cried.

It's been a long time since I felt this awful, and this useless.

She took several deep breaths before she pulled away from me.

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

"Don't you dare," I said, "I never would have thought Gus went through so much."

"Michael forgets how hard it hit Gus when his mom died," she said, "He wants us to leave him alone and let him die."

I pat her head, and I sighed, "Michael is just a selfish butthead, he needs to be reminded how important he is."

She nodded as she wiped her eyes, "I know you asked me not to say anything, but I really do think that if you two get together, he won't try to hurt himself anymore."

"I don't think I can make that big of a difference, Benny," I stated, "He needs to pull his head out of his ass. In his own time."

She looked away before nodding, "Yeah, I think that might help."

I had to change the subject. It was way too heavy for me right now.

"So why the food court?" I asked.

Benny laughed, "I don't know, it was Gus's idea."

"Alright," I said before grabbing a pair of dark gray skinny jeans.

I was tired already, and I felt like today was going to last a very long time.

I put on a black tank top before putting on my long-sleeved black blouse. It was see-through, so the undershirt was necessary. I used to be wary about wearing it, but I knew I was safe around them. They didn't make me feel like my birthmark was a bad thing.

I pulled on my red Converse and made sure to put my notebook in my pocket. It had been a few days since I carried it with me, so I felt better already.

When I looked over at Benny, she was already dressed.

She was wearing ripped dark blue skinny jeans with a gray t-shirt with a taco and a nacho chip on it. It said, 'If you don't like tacos, I'm nacho type.'

She wore blue Converse, and I could see her ID bracelet on her right wrist.

"Are you ready?" she asked me.

I hesitated before nodding.

I made sure I had my keys and my wallet before following her off-campus.

++++++++++

It took longer to reach the mall than either of us wanted.

There was an accident at the Town Square. From what I could see, no one was really hurt, but both of the cars were definitely totaled.

"Have I ever told you what my least favorite game was?" Benny asked.

I shook my head, I never heard her really talk about games that she liked.

"The waiting game," she sighed, "I hate it."

If I didn't know her, I would think that was rude. Unfortunately, I agreed with her. Gus really needed us right now.

This could have happened any other time, but right now, we needed to be somewhere.

It was hard enough with me already being as tired as I was, but now we had to wait longer while the Tram made its way to the mall.

After what felt like forever, it stopped, and everyone onboard poured out.

Benny went from looking bored out of her mind to being obviously worried, and it made me start to worry.

"It's going to be fine," I told her, "Gus needs a break, so why don't you go spend some time with him and I'll keep an eye on Michael for a while."

She looked at me, confused, but I saw her finally relax.

"I got this," I stated, "Besides, it would be far more suspicious if we all crowded around him."

"I see your point," she made a face, "Are you sure?"

I nodded, "We're in this together, remember?"

She grinned wide at me, "Yeah, together."

She took my right hand as we made our way closer to the food court.

Michael would sit and talk with me. I knew I could buy her time alone with Gus. They both just needed to be together. I didn't mind staying with Michael anyway.

We reached the main entrance, and I realized just how many people were at the mall right now.

A few people looked at our linked hands and made disapproving faces. I didn't care though, Benny could hold my hand forever, and I could handle all the hate with her next to me.

I did feel some anxiety once we got closer to our destination. I hated large crowds of people. They made me nervous.

We walked quickly, and occasionally I was bumped into. The food court was too close to really worry about anything else.

Once I saw tables and chairs, I allowed myself to cruise.

"I see them," Benny said to me.

I followed her finger with my eyes to a table near the juice stand.

Michael had his back to us, but I could clearly see the bright yellow shirt he was wearing.

Gus looked exhausted, and I knew we made it just in time.

"Come on," I told her.

We weaved through the screaming children, and finally, we made it.

"Hey guys," Gus said with a wide grin.

Benny released my hand to place a quick kiss on his lips before sitting next to him.

Gus was wearing black sweat pants and a shirt that complimented Benny's.

It was light gray, and it said, 'You had me at tacos.'

"Hey," I said back as I took my place next to Michael.

I glanced next to me to see Michael staring blankly at the full cup in front of him.

"So?" I asked Benny and Gus.

They both looked at me strangely.

"Get out of here," I shooed them with my hands.

Gus looked completely lost, but he got up once Benny started to pull at his arm.

"You sure?" he asked me.

"Yeah," I nodded, "Go on."

Both of them hesitated.

"Whatever you do," Gus told me, "Don't let him eat anything."

I looked at Michael, and still, he stared blankly at the cup.

"Got it," I said, "Don't get him wet, and don't feed him after midnight."

Gus looked confused, but Benny laughed and pretty much just dragged him away.

It took a few minutes before I could no longer see either of them.

"Hey," I said, "How are you feeling?"

He didn't respond.

"Seriously?" I asked before nudging his shoulder with mine, "Are you okay?"

His jaw tightened, "Don't you guys have better things to do than babysit me?"

I shrugged, "I don't consider this as babysitting, at least I get paid for that."

He glanced at me before he smirked. I could see how tired he was.

I felt tremendously better, and I could finally relax.

He took in a deep breath, but let it out unevenly.

Part of me felt strange, just staring at him, but he really did look like crap.

He had significant bags under his eyes, and he was extremely pale. He didn't seem all that happy to be here. His clothes seemed pretty loud too.

The yellow shirt said 'hugs not drugs' in large white writing, and part of me found it funny, but the other part of me just wanted to smack him. He also wore baggy black sweatpants with black Converse.

The yellow shirt looked a good size or two bigger than what he usually wears.

The sweatpants had words written over the crotch, I just couldn't make them out while he was sitting down.

"So?" I asked him, "How are you feeling?"

He let out a groan and put his head on the arm he had on the table, "Are you really going to listen to him?"

"About what?"

"Are you going to starve me too?"

I shrugged, "I don't care if you eat anything, it's up to you."

He didn't respond.

"Do you want me to starve you?" I asked him.

He sat up to finally look at me, "He took my wallet."

"Ah," I said, "What do you want?"

"Meatball sub," he said, sounding slightly hopeful.

"Alright," I said, getting up, "But if Gus asks… never mind, just make sure it's done before we see them again."

He nodded quickly.

I made my way over to the actual restaurants, and when I reached Subway, there were a couple of people in line already.

Part of me wanted to glance back to see if Michael was still at the table, but I couldn't. I didn't have a good view of the table from here.

I ordered food for both of us and made my way to the table.

When I got back, I made sure to set his sandwich down first and place the Sprite in front of him.

It was a good thing to drink in case he did have a stomach issue.

"Thank you," he said.

"I'm just glad you didn't run off while I was gone," I said, "So thank you."

He didn't touch the food at all.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"I thought about ditching you," he stated, "But to be honest, I'm too fucking tired."

I just smiled lightly and drank my own soda while he ate.

Maybe he will finally get some color back.

"So, was I right?" he asked, "Gus asked you two to come down here?"

"So, what if he did?" I asked.

He sighed, "He knows Benny completely loses her shit when I do this kind of stuff, so why does he ask her to help?"

"Because it's for him too," I stated, "Maybe you need to stop pulling shit like this."

He didn't even bother to glare at me.

"They're better off without me," he stated, "So are you."

"And it's up to you to decide that for us?" I asked.

His gaze dropped, but I knew it was what he needed to hear.

"We make our own choices, and we decide the kind of people we want to be around," I said, "You are our friend."

His jaw tightened, and I knew he wanted to say something back, but he held his tongue.

"I know I haven't earned my membership badge yet, but you guys are all I have right now," I said sincerely, "It's pretty fucking pathetic, but it's a big deal to me."

I was used to the Michael that would always say something harsh back, or call me on the stupid stuff I said, but this Michael just seemed lost.

"I'm tired," he stated, "Too fucking tired to argue with you."

I suppose that is a good thing.

"Should we go?" I asked him.

"I can't go back to campus yet, Gus would flip."

"Do you still have your motel room?" I asked.

He looked at me strangely, "Yeah."

"You aren't the only one that needs to go to sleep," I stated, "Just keeps your hands to yourself."

"And you're sure this is a good idea?" he asked me.

It was already getting dark outside. I needed to sleep.

"You threw up the pills," I said, "So I think you're fine, unless you did something else."

He shook his head, "I don't get much harder than that."

I couldn't help but smile at his joke, at least I hoped it was a joke.

"Pun intended?" I asked.

"Oh," he said a little awkwardly, "I guess so."

"We're going," I said as I stood up.

He folded the other half of his sandwich in the wrapper, and he put it in the bag.

I took the bag and placed the bottles in the bag too before grabbing the full cup of juice.

"Is it that bad?" I asked.

"It's all I've had today," he said, "It gets gross after a while."

I took a drink of it and shrugged, "Mind if I take it?"

He just looked at me before shrugging.

It's good, it almost tasted like an orange cream bar. Maybe a hint of strawberries too.

"Come on," I said, strolling away from the table.

He caught up with me, and we slowly walked through the mall.

"Is that why you told them to go away?" he asked me.

I looked at him, confused.

The silence lasted a long time since we left the table.

"You knew she couldn't handle it."

I nodded slowly, "I saw her this morning, and I knew then."

He nodded this time.

"She deserves a friend like you," he said after a couple of minutes.

"You say that now," I stated.

"I mean it," he practically snapped, "All she's ever really had is me and Gus. We aren't girls in case you haven't noticed."

"Friendship doesn't require a specific gender," I stated, "As long as you love and support each other."

"Speaking from experience?" he asked.

I didn't answer his question, and surprisingly he didn't press me for one.

I managed to finish the juice before our ride got here. I tossed the cup in the trash at the bus stop.

We got on the Tram, and he was quick to sit at the back.

I stood next to him and held on to the support bar.

It isn't full, but there are several people packed in here.

Michael's eyes were on me for a good minute before I spoke.

"What?" I asked, feeling a little self-conscious.

"It's bigger than I thought it was," he stated.

I wanted to make a joke about it, but I decided it wasn't the right time.

"What is?"

He looked a little awkward, "Your birthmark."

It felt strange that he brought it up. I wasn't sure how to respond.

"Yeah," I said flatly.

His eyes went down to my hand before ascending my arm.

I didn't want to see that from him. I was too used to seeing people look at me like that. I was feeling a little upset about it.

The longer I stared at him as he studied my skin, I realized he didn't make a face. It looked like pure curiosity. That felt different.

"How big is it?" he asked before finally meeting my eyes.

It felt strange meeting his gaze.

"That's a little difficult to answer," I stated, "I think it takes up a little less than a third of my body."

He looked surprised.

"Does it hurt?" he asked.

That is a first.

"No," I said, "Does it look like it does?"

"Not really," he said, "Does it hurt when someone touches you?"

I shook my head.

His eyes went to my hand.

I held my hand out to him.

He glanced up at me quickly to see if I was serious or not.

"Go on," I said.

His hand came up slowly before the tips of his fingers made contact with mine.

His fingers tentatively moved closer to my palm. It tickled.

My breath felt caught in my throat as I watched his middle finger reach my wrist.

His eyes locked with mine again.

"So?" I asked.

"I thought it might feel different," he stated.

It did feel different. It felt a little smoother than the rest of my skin.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the feel of his hand on mine. Slow and deliberate.

His fingers reversed back up my palm to touch my fingertips again before he retracted his hand.

An awkward silence settled between us, and it remained there until we reached our stop.

We got off the Tram, and the motel was only a block away.

We walked for a couple of minutes before I could see the motel.

"I have to ask," I said, "What's with the shirt?"

He glanced down, and I could see his frown, "Gus thought it would be funny."

A smile spread across my face, "He wasn't wrong."

His frown deepened.

We reached room twenty-six, and he opened the door.

It felt a little cold in here. It was hard to believe what happened this morning.

We both stood there for an awkward minute. I glanced over at him.

I could see just how tired he really was.

"Alright," I said, "You get that side, and I get this one."

I pointed to each side as I spoke.

He nodded but just continued to stand there.

I kicked my shoes off and moved them towards the door. It made me frown when I realized what I would be sleeping in, but I guess that's what I get for wearing 'real people' clothes.

"Something wrong?" Michael asked after he did the same with his shoes.

I shook my head as I removed the see-through black shirt I wore. The jeans would just have to stay.

I sat on the bed and looked at Michael near the door.

Was he planning to ditch me now?

"Hey," I said, "You aren't planning to leave, are you?"

He shook his head, and it didn't take long for him to remove the yellow shirt he was wearing.

I had to avert my gaze. I already knew he didn't want me looking at his scars.

He dropped the shirt on my lap, and I looked up quickly to meet his gaze.

I could actually see the words on the crotch of his sweatpants. 'Stop looking at my dick.'

"It's big enough," he said, "You won't have to wear the jeans."

How did he see through me like this? Was I so obvious?

"I'll keep the sweats on," he stated, "So you don't have to worry."

I nodded slowly, and he moved around the bed to take his place on the other side.

The bed shook as he got himself comfortable.

I hesitated before pulling off the black tank top I wore and quickly replaced it with the oversized shirt he gave me.

It wasn't as warm as I thought it was going to be, it was barely even room temperature.

I stood up to see where the shirt ended. Mid-thigh was enough for me, I decided it was alright if I removed the pesky denim.

"Why is this shirt so big?" I asked.

He sighed behind me, "Gus enjoys my humiliation."

Well, you did kind of put him through hell. I refrained from saying that out loud, though.

Once the jeans were on the floor, I let out a sigh and decided to kick my socks off too.

"Better?" he asked from behind me.

I nodded, "Thank you."

I moved the blanket back before I got on the bed too.

He laid facing me, and I wasn't sure if I could lay facing him too.

I rolled over to face away, and then I pulled the blanket over me.

Again, a sigh left me once I stopped moving.

"All good?" Michael asked.

"Yeah," I said, snuggling into the pillow.

Everything felt calm now, and I could feel myself starting to fall asleep.

The bed moved again, and I felt his arm wrap around me, and his chest pressed against my back.

I instantly went stiff, and I hoped that he didn't.

"What are you doing?" I asked awkwardly.

"You're warm," he stated.

"You said I didn't have to worry," I countered, "You lied."

"This is making you nervous?" he asked back.

"Yes," I nearly gasped.

"I'm not letting go," he said simply.

What the hell was he thinking?

I moved a little, and his grip tightened. His hand was flat on my stomach over the shirt, and I felt myself start to shake.

I sat up quickly and glared at him.

"I told you," he said, "It's cold."

"Then you roll over," I demanded.

He looked away from me, "No."

"So, it's okay for you to spoon me, but not for me to spoon you?" I asked.

"Yes."

"I won't be able to sleep if you are behind me," I stated, "I'll feel better if I can see you."

"Then I won't be able to sleep."

I made a face at his words, "Haven't you done this before?"

He pretty much turned his head away from me.

"Oh," I said, "So you fuck, then run?"

He growled, "It isn't like that."

"Sounds like it," I stated.

He didn't say anything.

"Michael," I said, "Seems like we're at an impasse."

Again, he didn't say a word.

"Hey," I hissed, "You know why it bothers me, why does it bother you?"

"You will take it the wrong way," he stated.

"Then we'll cuddle in anger," I stated.

He took in a breath.

"So?" I asked impatiently.

"I know exactly what type of girl I attract," he stated, "I can't bring myself to let my guard down."

"And how am I different?" I asked.

"I'd like to think I can trust you."

I sighed.

"You can," I stated, "But if you get a boner while I'm sleeping, and I feel it, I am going to freak the fuck out."

He let out a small laugh.

"I'm not kidding."

"I know you aren't," he said, "But I can't help how my body reacts."

"Then stop laughing at me," I demanded.

His smile faded, and I could see that trust wasn't his only worry. Of course, I know the body does what the body does, it's the person that decides what to do about it.

"What is it?" I asked, just above a whisper.

"You'll stare."

"At what?" I asked.

He didn't respond.

"If you're referring to your scars," I said, "It only fair if I see them once, you've seen mine."

"Through a camera," he stated.

"You've also felt them."

When the words left my mouth, I remembered his hand between my legs.

"This is different."

"How the fuck is this different?"

I was getting angry. It wasn't like I was going to violate him like he violated me.

"I care if you see them."

I glared down at him, and even his chest was covered by the blanket.

"You think I didn't care?" I asked, "You are the only one that knows about them."

He was the only one here that did.

He stared at the ceiling.

I didn't want to be in this room anymore, I didn't want to be alone with him. I wasn't even tired right now. I was nervous, I was frustrated, and I just didn't want to look at him.

How can his pain be more important than mine?

He's selfish, he only thinks about himself.

I wrapped my arms around myself, and I felt stupid. He gave me his shirt.

He had to know that this might happen.

Did he want me to know? Of course, he didn't, he hoped I'd let him spoon me.

"We are different," I said, "But you said so yourself, you can trust me."

"Not with this."

I felt hurt by his words, but I didn't let him being an ass stop me.

"I won't look," I promised.

"Yes, you will," he said flatly.

"Is that really the problem?" I asked, sounding irritated.

"Girls see you naked, don't they?" I asked, "Don't they ask you about them?"

"That's when they leave," he stated, "I don't cuddle because they touch me."

I made a face, I'm pretty sure it showed my confusion very well.

"So it isn't that I'll see them," I stated, "You just don't want me to touch you?"

He took in a frustrated breath.

"You fucking jerk," I mainly said to myself, "So you can do whatever you want to them, but if they even touch you…"

How messed up is Michael exactly?

I decided I didn't care anymore about him being cold, he needed to not touch me.

I removed the shirt, and I threw it right in his face.

"Real trust is earned," I stated.

I felt hurt.

I pulled the tank top off the floor and put it on.

No matter how much clothing I could put on, it wouldn't be enough right now.

"Ren," he said.

"Shut up," I snapped, "Just shut up and go to sleep."

I was far too angry to even think about sleeping.

This bastard.

"You don't understand," he said in a pleading tone.

"You don't understand," I growled, "I'm not one of your fucking whores."

"You think I don't know that?" he snapped.

"Apparently not."

I turned to glare to him, and he was sitting up, holding the shirt to his chest with one hand, and with the other his holding the side of his head.

This wasn't helping, was it?

I promised to look out for him while they weren't here, and what was I doing? I was pestering him.

I sighed, and at the same time, I felt the fight leave me.

He wasn't the only one that was selfish. I wanted to understand him, I wanted him to just talk to me.

I guess I wasn't any different than those girls.

They wanted him, I guess I was naïve to think that I would never want him like that.

He pushed so hard at me that it feels strange to push back, only to have him pull back so far that I fall flat on my face.

Fuck.

"I'm going to call them," I said.

I can't be here. I don't want to hear him reject me over and over again.

"Don't call," he said.

"I don't want to be here," I said, feeling like a jerk, "I just don't want to be near you right now."

He didn't say anything.

I got off the bed to retrieve my pants so I could get my phone.

This was the worst idea in the history of bad ideas.

I thought because of how sick he was feeling, that he would be easy to handle.

"I'm sorry I'm such a piece of shit, alright," he said, "But please, don't call them."

I held my phone tightly in my hand. If I squeezed any tighter, I fear that I might actually break it.

I had to breathe, I needed to think and calm down.

When I loosened my grip, I made the decision to stay. Not to sleep.

I sat on the floor by the nightstand, and I sighed loudly.

"Fine," I said, 'I won't call, but you need to sleep."

He didn't say anything back, so I just assumed he was fine with it.

++++++++++

It had been maybe an hour that I sat against the wall, but I felt better, and I had the chance to think.

I realized I was also a massive jerk.

If I was pushed that hard, I'd be a bitch right back to him. He wasn't even that bad.

I've had regular conversations with him where he was so much worse.

I leaned forward to grab my notebook from my pants, and I saw Michael at the corner of my eye.

When I turned to look at him, he had been sitting exactly how he was an hour ago.

"I thought I told you to go to sleep," I said.

"Are you still mad?" he asked.

I sighed, "Not really."

I leaned back against the wall.

"I don't like fighting with you," he said.

Exhaustion was clear in his voice, but I ignored it.

"Could have fooled me."

I spoke without even thinking about it. I wanted to slap myself.

"I thought you weren't mad anymore."

"I was fine until you started talking again."

God, how can I be such a fucking bitch?

I realized it as soon as the words left my mouth. I just needed to get away from him. Staying might not have been the best idea. He isn't even sleeping. We both know that he is tired.

"You already know that you're different from them," he sounded exhausted, "So why do you keep fucking pushing?"

I felt myself go blank.

What did he just say?

"I'll do it okay," he said after sighing, "Just stop fucking acting like this."

Damn it. I know I'm acting like a child. Part of me wished he didn't see me like this.

I sat there, feeling like a jerk. I didn't deserve to lie with him.

"This is the only invitation you're getting."

My body moved without my permission.

His back was to me, and the shirt was on my side of the bed.

I was slow to remove the tank top this time. His shirt was warmer now when I put it on, I didn't know how, but it made me feel even worse.

I crawled in behind him, and I wrapped my arm around him. I made sure not to be too close, I didn't want to make him feel like I did.

"Jesus," he gasped, "You're freezing."

"I'm sorry," I tried to retract my arm, but he grabbed it and held it over his stomach.

"You threw the most ridiculous tantrum I've ever seen," he said, "You don't get to run away."

He moved back until he was pressed against me.

I was eye level with his shoulder blades.

My grip tightened around him, and I pressed my head to his back, and like the child I was, I cried.

"I'm sorry," I tried to stop the tears, "I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad," he said.

I felt his voice all around me. It felt nice.

"You should be," I said, "I'm mad at myself."

"Your feelings are hurt," he said, "I knew us being here alone would be a bad idea."

"You did?" I asked, "How?"

He took a deep breath, "I'm good at getting on your nerves."

I didn't say anything, because he was right.

"I couldn't sleep knowing you were mad at me."

"I'm sorry," I said again.

"Stop apologizing," he said, "I already told you I'm not mad."

"I'm sorry," I said anyway.

He was quiet for a minute.

Maybe he was finally starting to fall asleep. The thought alone made me relax.

"Can I tell you a secret?" he asked.

My heart began to pound, "What?"

"Promise you won't tell?" he asked.

I nodded against his back, and I could feel the differences in his skin, but I refused to look.

"I promise."

"Gus and I were going to try and separate you two today," he said, "So that he could be alone with Benny."

"Really?" I asked.

"He was surprised that you brought it up yourself," he chuckled, "It was all over his face."

I felt it, and I couldn't help but smile to myself.

"He finally saved up enough money to buy her a ring."

I gasped, "Is he proposing today?"

"He's afraid he'll buy the wrong one, so he is hoping Benny will give him a hint," he said, "Did you know that there is only one color she likes more than blue?"

I couldn't help but laugh, "It definitely isn't pink."

"He loves her, but he is still scared."

"He doesn't need to worry," I said, "He could buy a plastic ring, and she would cherish it."

"She would," he said, "But he saved up for months to get her a ring she deserves."

I felt like a jerk again.

"She told him she didn't need a ring," he said, "But we both know that girls secretly want one."

That is probably true, but I have yet to be in that position to understand.

It was quiet for a few minutes.

"Black," I said, "The only color she likes more than blue."

"Gus tends to forget that sometimes," he chuckled again.

"Did you tell him?" I asked.

"He needs to figure it out," he said, "Benny will see right through him. He is far too obvious."

"She'll pick one that she doesn't really want," I said, "Won't she?"

"She will," he sighed, "That's why he'll have to keep an eye on her to figure out what she really wants."

"Love is complicated," I sighed.

"It can be," he said, "But sometimes it's as easy as breathing."

He took in another deep breath. I think it was to show me just how easy he meant.

"That's why I couldn't let you call them," he said.

"Why didn't you just tell me?"

"I don't know," he admitted quietly, "Maybe I worried you'd still be mad at me."

"I'm not mad," I said, "I just don't want you to be afraid of me."

"I'm not afraid of you, Ren," he stated, "I just don't want to have to force you away."

My heart pounded.

"For Benny's sake," he added awkwardly.

I felt stupid all of a sudden.

"Rest," he said, "We'll call when we wake up."

I nodded against him.

Even though I agreed, I didn't think I could just fall asleep that fast.

I laid very still behind him, and I stared into the darkness between us. He was thinner than I thought he would be, but even as we laid together, his shoulders felt like they were towering over me.

He seemed thin, but somehow, he was still muscular.

It took a few minutes for me to finally relax against him.

The warmth between us felt good, and I think that finally made me tired again.

I wanted to stop thinking about how close he was and how my arm wrapped around him. The muscles of his stomach felt hard against my hand. I just needed to sleep and then wake up clear.