Beside You Ch. 25: Hanging By A Moment

Chapter Twenty-Five: Hanging By A Moment

I was warm, and I was sore.

It didn't quite feel like a sore muscle, but it hurt.

The closest thing I could compare it to is cramps from a period.

It was a constant dull ache.

It made it uncomfortable to sit.

I think the mattress helped. It would surely hurt more if I were sitting on a harder surface.

I glanced awkwardly at Michael.

He was sitting near the foot of the bed. He looked satisfied with his legs crossed and a piece of pizza in his hand.

Man, I think I fucked up.

I wasn't sure if I could handle a friends with benefits thing with Michael.

I actually really liked him.

Being this close with him didn't help.

Us doing what we just did, didn't help either.

"You okay?" Michael asked.

I met his questioning gaze before I nodded.

He didn't look convinced.

"You sure?"

I nodded.

Why would a guy like him want to do anything with a girl like me?

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

Both of his eyebrows lifted as if he couldn't believe I actually just asked him that.

"Do you regret it already?" he asked.

"No," I said, "It just feels strange."

"Physically or mentally?"

"A bit of both, actually," I admitted.

"Does it hurt?" he asked.

"It doesn't really hurt," I said, "It feels sore."

This kind of pain I could handle. It wasn't too bad. It was just a little annoying.

"And mentally?" he asked, "How so?"

My eyes went over his bare shoulders.

"Just being able to finally look at you," I admitted.

His eyes went to the slice in his hand before he took a bite.

He seemed fine with that answer.

"Does it feel weird?" I asked.

I waited patiently for him to finish chewing.

"Does what feel weird?"

"This," I indicated between us.

"A little," he admitted, "But as you said, as long as we communicate, we should be fine."

I nodded.

As long as we were honest with each other, things should be easier.

Easier?

That wasn't really the word my mind was searching for.

"Michael?" I asked.

"Hmm?"

"You're not disappointed?" Then, I asked, "Are you?"

His brows furrowed.

"Why would you think that?" he asked.

He has way more experience than me. It was hard not to wonder if he was comparing me to countless others.

"I'm just curious," I said.

"I'm not disappointed," he stated, "You don't have to worry about that."

It was hard not to.

Fucking look at him.

"How about you?" he asked, "Are you disappointed?"

I was quick to shake my head.

"I may have had high expectations for what I was supposed to feel," I admitted, "But it felt good."

He smirked, "What were you expecting?"

I could feel the blush in my cheeks.

"I wasn't expecting that much pain," I admitted.

"Sorry," he said, "I should have prepared you better."

My head shook again, "I could have asked you to wait."

"We did what we did," he said, "It's too late to go back."

He was right.

I practically begged him to fuck me.

I can't even say that.

I did beg him.

"Besides," he said, "I might not have been able to wait."

It felt strange to hear him say it.

It sounded like he didn't want to admit that.

"I couldn't wait," I admitted, "I didn't want to."

He nodded slowly.

He looked like he was thinking about something.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Are you sure this is something that you want?" he asked.

I wanted him. There was no denying that.

"I do," I said. "What about you?"

"It doesn't sound as bad as it did before," he said.

"It sounded bad?" I asked, "Why?"

"I thought we already talked about this," he said.

"About you being worried about our friendship?" I asked.

He nodded.

"It's okay to worry," I said.

His expression said that he wanted to argue.

"Worrying means that it's important," I said, "If you weren't afraid to lose something, then it didn't mean that much to you in the first place."

He looked like he was really thinking about it.

"You guys are important to me," I said, "And I know this isn't a good way to keep that."

"Then why do it at all?" he asked.

How do I explain it?

"I'm not sure how to explain it," I admitted."

"Try."

He said it a little too quickly.

"You're different," I said, "I've never really felt like I wanted to do this with another person before."

"Steven?" he asked.

It wasn't really like I wanted to have sex with Steven. It was more like I felt like that was what I had to do to keep him with me.

Jokes on me. He wasn't even in it for the right reasons.

That stupid fucking bet.

"It's going to sound pretty pathetic when I tell you," I said, "But it felt like I had to try, or else he would leave me."

He nodded.

"Sometimes it can feel that way," he said, "I'm glad you didn't."

He was glad I didn't?

My heart sped up, and I frowned.

"What?"

I shook my head.

"Ren," he said, "What is it?"

"He left in the end," I said, "But I'm happier than I've ever been."

"Serves that piece of shit right," Michael stated.

He wasn't wrong.

Several quiet minutes passed between us.

Michael finished his pizza and got off the bed.

He held his hand out for my plate.

I gave him my empty plate, and he threw our trash away.

I watched as he moved around the room.

There was a small scar near his tailbone.

It looked like it was a bigger cut before, but it healed well.

It almost looked surgical. The scar was on the line of his spine.

Was something wrong with his back?

If there was, he never gave away any indication that his back bothered him.

It made me feel like a pervert as I watched him.

My mind didn't go to sex, but I stared at his bare skin.

I liked his shoulders. They were wide, and he looked strong.

His body curved in a way that I couldn't help but appreciate.

Why was I this way?

It didn't help that he has a nice butt too.

Next time I wanted to make sure to grab it. For science…

Wait, was there going to be a next time?

"So?" I asked, "What do you think?"

He turned to look at me.

"Think about what?"

My eyes couldn't help but wander to the low-hanging shorts.

I could clearly see the trail of hair going down just under his belly button.

Just the sight of this boys' pelvis made me feel warm.

"Friends with benefits."

He glanced to the side.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea."

I could feel the frown form on my face.

I guess I wasn't expecting that to come out of his mouth.

"Oh," I said, "How come?"

"There's a lot to think about," he said.

Not once did he look at me.

"Such as?"

"Benny and Gus," he said, finally looking at me again, "Your curfew."

I guess that made sense.

I wasn't sure what to say to that.

If he didn't want to, he didn't want to.

I might be a little more let down than I was comfortable admitting.

"Okay," I said.

"Just okay?" he asked, "You don't have anything you want to say?"

"About what?" I asked, "If you don't want to, you don't want to."

His brows furrowed.

He was doing that too often lately.

"I half expected you to put up more of a fight," he stated.

"I thought I made myself pretty clear," I stated, "I want you, but it's not only up to me."

"So, this is still something you want?" he asked.

I could hear the curious tone of his voice mixed with something I couldn't quite decipher.

I opened my mouth to answer, but he spoke first.

"Even after I hurt you?" he asked.

"I don't think that was something we could really help," I said.

My virginity had to be taken somehow.

"I don't mean just that," he said, "I believed Steven, and I hurt you."

"Do you believe me now?" I asked.

He glanced at the bed, "It's hard to not believe you now."

"Would you make a bet like that again?" I asked.

He was quick to shake his head.

"Then what's the problem?" I asked.

"You never know what could happen," he said.

"That's why I said we need to talk to each other," I stated.

"It's easier to talk about it than to actually do it."

"I get that," I said, "But that's why we're talking about it now."

"Friends with benefits?" he asked, "I don't think that it will work."

"Why not?"

"Ren," he said tiredly, "I just took your virginity. Are you seriously telling me that you don't feel anything?"

This idiot.

"That's why I'm saying friends with benefits," I stated, "I'm not asking for more than that."

"But you do want more than that."

"Yes."

I know he didn't ask, but I felt like I had to say it anyway.

"That's why this is a bad idea," he said.

I did tell him to think about it. I told him that we would decide after he deflowered me.

"Okay."

I was feeling a little hurt.

I thought that he might change his mind.

It made me feel a little stupid thinking that a sexual experience would change the mind of a sex addict.

"Ren?"

I glanced up to realize Michael was closer.

He moved to lie on the bed next to me.

"This isn't something that should be decided now," he said, "Sleep on it, and we can talk about it again tomorrow."

It already felt like he made up his mind.

The only thing I could do was nod.

It already feels set in stone.

It made me a little mad at myself.

Maybe this would be different?

Why did I do stupid things?

Why did I let people hurt me?

No.

This was my decision.

I wanted this.

It just didn't work out the way I wanted it to.

I laid back, and my head turned to look at Michael.

He was staring at the ceiling.

If he was so worried that I was going to catch feelings… it was a little late for that.

I didn't know why I felt the way that I did about him.

He was far from perfect.

He was an asshole half the time.

I already loved him.

His dark blue eyes landed on mine.

"Try to get some sleep," he said.

He just stared back at me.

I wasn't even sure how long we stared at each other.

I wish I knew what he was thinking.

He just stared.

I couldn't help but just stare back.

It was a moment. Then it was more.

My hand moved before I realized.

Michael flinched as the back of my hand went up his cheekbone to where one of his scars poked out above his ear.

I remember the first time I saw it. It made me wonder how it got there. Who did it?

What did it?

I could feel the jagged smoothness.

Michael grabbed my hand and moved it away from his face.

I didn't have it in me to even pretend to feel sorry.

When would I get this chance again?

"Do you hate being touched by me that much?" I asked.

"You're not just touching me," he stated.

"I'm admiring you," I said.

He frowned.

"I am more than my scars."

He sounded hurt.

"I know you are," I said.

"Everyone always tries to touch them," he said, "I hate it."

I could understand that.

I didn't really like the idea of my scars being touched before.

That changed after Michael touched them anyway.

I didn't really think about it when I touched him.

Maybe I was hoping that he might find me to be the exception.

I wanted him to like it when I touched him, scars and all.

"I won't touch you then," I said.

I tried to retract my hand, but he wouldn't let me.

He always did shit like this that confused me.

He needed to speak up so that there were no misunderstandings.

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," he said.

"It's fine," I said, "You don't like your scars touched, I get it."

"Ren," he said, "Please stop."

I didn't realize I was doing anything.

I just stared at him again. Waiting.

"I just don't like it," he said, "It's not you."

I hated those words in that succession.

"People stare when they see them," he stated, "And without even asking, they touch them."

I didn't ask either.

"It feels like a violation."

He said it like he was pleading for me to hear him out.

I could hear him just fine.

I understood perfectly fine that he didn't want people to touch him. I just hoped I would be different.

"Ren," he murmured.

"I get it," I said, "It's like someone acknowledging every time you've been hurt."

He looked surprised to hear me say that.

It made sense.

Those scars were not self-made.

Someone hurt him, or people hurt him.

I didn't like that. I wanted to know who.

"You only told me not to ask about them," I stated, "Now I know you don't want me to touch them. I understand."

He opened his mouth as if to say something but shut it.

I felt his grip loosen so I could finally withdraw my hand.

My hand dropped at my side, and I tore my gaze away from him.

I rolled over so that I was facing away.

If I was going to get any sleep, I couldn't keep talking about either one of our scars.

I moved a little to get comfortable.

Once I was settled, I let out a sigh.

A blanket moved over me before I felt an arm wrap around me.

This is one of those times that confused me.

If he didn't want more, then why did he do stuff like this?

I felt his warmth behind me.

"I don't always hate it," he said, "It depends on the situation."

"Okay," I said.

"Stop," he pleaded, "Stop just agreeing."

"Do you want me to fight with you?" I asked.

"Sometimes," he said, "It feels like you don't care when we don't argue."

I moved a little so that I could look at him.

"It's not that I don't care," I stated, "I'm putting your needs before mine."

He looked confused.

"Me not arguing with you isn't always a bad thing," I sighed, "If it's important to you, it's important to me."

He moved in closer and buried his face into my shoulder.

"Get some sleep," I said.

I settled back into my previous position, and I felt good.

Physically at least.

Mostly.

Sleep gradually took me.

++++++++++

It was hot.

Why was it so damn hot?

I groaned as I tried to roll, but I couldn't.

My eyes opened to the lit-up room.

I was in the motel room.

I glanced back to see what blocked my roll.

Dirty blond hair was on my shoulder.

It doesn't look like we moved at all.

He was still behind me.

I laid my head back down, and I felt Michael move behind me.

His arm loosened around me as he stretched.

I smiled a little to myself as his arm found its way around me again.

"Good morning," I said.

He only grunted in response.

This was nice, except for the fact that I was sweating.

I didn't handle the heat well.

I flung the blanket off of me and sighed once I felt the cool breeze.

Michael groaned.

"It's hot," I said.

"You're just warm," Michael said.

I think my temperature ran a little higher than the average person, but that was beside the point.

"Maybe you're just cold," I said.

"No," he said, "You're warm."

I could feel his face turn against my back.

It took me a second to realize that even his legs were tangled with mine.

How was I supposed to do anything?

I couldn't even get up.

"Michael," I said, "I need to get up."

I had to use the bathroom and check my phone.

Benny was probably waiting to hear back about my date with Collin.

His arm slowly released me.

I was able to sit up and look down at him.

I made sure to pull the blanket back up for him.

Once I was up, I went hunting for my phone first.

I was able to find it because of the constant buzzing.

I started to panic once I saw Benny's name.

"Benny is calling," I said.

Michael was quick to sit up.

"We already said not to talk about this," I said, "Right?"

He nodded.

I pressed the green accept button on the screen.

"Ren?"

"Morning," I said.

"You were out all night!" she gasped, "Did you two…."

"No," I was quick to say, "Collin and I did not have sex."

I didn't want to say I didn't have sex, but this was the best way around that.

"Oh," she said, "Did you have fun?"

"I did," I admitted, "He was very gentlemanly."

Michael frowned.

"Did anything exciting happen?" she asked.

"Exciting how?" I asked.

"You know," she said, "Did anything exciting happen between you two?"

"I guess," I found myself shrugging.

"Spill," she gasped, "Now."

"Well," I said awkwardly, "We danced."

"Dirty dancing?" she asked.

"Close dancing," I said, "Not dirty."

"Okay," she said, "Anything else?"

"Well," I said, "We did kiss."

She screamed into the phone.

Michael's gaze was on his hands over the blanket.

I think he heard her.

"Was it good?" she asked, "Did he stick his tongue down your throat?"

I didn't really want to talk about this with Michael here.

"Can we talk about this later?" I asked.

"No," Benny said, "I want every single fucking detail."

I frowned.

"If you didn't hook up with Collin," she said, "Then where did you sleep?"

"I'm at the motel," I stated.

There was a short silence.

"Are you and Michael okay?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said, "He was at the party, and we ended up having to talk to each other."

"I'm glad," she said, "Not that you had to, but that you two are okay."

"Me too," I said.

I didn't want to fight with him.

"Is he there?" she asked.

"He's still asleep," I said.

His eyes were on me again.

"Is he going to bring you back soon?" Benny asked.

"Define soon?" I asked.

She laughed, "When you get back, I want the deets on your date with Collin."

"I can do that," I said.

"I'm not kidding," she said.

I know she wasn't.

"I'll see you later babe," I said.

She giggled.

Michael just looked confused.

"Later babe," she said.

"I feel like I missed something," Michael said.

"I'm sure you'll hear about it later," I stated.

"I didn't realize she was that excited for your date," he said flatly.

Do I rub it in and tell him Gus was too?

No.

"I'm not on a date right now," I stated.

"Right," he mumbled.

I watched as Michael got up and made his way into the other room.

"I guess you should be getting back then," Michael stated.

This felt like it was going in the wrong direction.

"I'm in no rush," I said.

"Sounds like you and Benny have a lot to talk about."

Why was he acting like he just had his feelings hurt?

I walked into the other room and watched him put a shirt on.

Dark gray long-sleeves.

I stopped once I was practically right in front of him.

"Use your words," I said, "What's wrong?"

"You didn't want to talk about your date in front of me," he said.

"Yeah," I said.

"Why?" he asked, "Do you not want me to hear?"

"It's not really that I don't want you to hear," I sighed, "It just feels weird to talk about that after what we did."

"Why?" he asked, "It's not like I'm your boyfriend."

It was strange the way that he said it.

"I know that," I stated, "It was meant more as a respect thing."

He frowned.

"I didn't want you to have to hear all of that," I said, "Because I didn't choose Collin."

His gaze went to the side, "I guess."

"Do you really want to cut our time together short?" I asked.

"You need time to think about what you really want," he said.

"I don't need to think about it," I stated.

"Then I need to think about what I want," he said.

It hurt a little to hear, but I guess I understood.

He only clung to me last night.

It could be like that all the time if he just said yes.

"Okay," I said.

He looked anxious.

"When do you think you'll know?" I asked.

"I'm not sure," he practically whispered.

"Alright," I said, "You know where to find me when you figure it out."

"Yeah," he said.

++++++++++

I made it back to my room safe and sound.

Benny was there waiting.

I told her I needed to shower, and if she wanted to come with me, that was fine.

It wasn't until the water was washing over me that I felt it.

I had to fight the frustration of last night and this morning.

Why did I want what I couldn't have?

I was stupid to think that Michael would say yes.

If he was going to, he would have said it in the morning.

Both of us had more than enough time to think about it.

It didn't help that as soon as we got back to the room, I had a few messages from both Collin and Gus.

I kept my promise, and I told Benny every detail of my date with Collin.

Every detail excluding the parts with Michael.

She seemed happy that I kissed Collin.

I'm not sure how I feel about it anymore.

I didn't feel that spark. Not with him.

It was different with Michael.

I just wished that things weren't so complicated.

I'd like to go back to that moment Michael and I just stared at each other.

I didn't need to think about anything.

His eyes reminded me of a sapphire. Dark blue.

An ocean at nighttime.

It hit me when I stopped thinking about it.

Holy fuck, I wasn't a virgin anymore.