Beside You Ch. 20: Begin Again

Chapter Twenty: Begin Again

"Ren?"

I glanced up from my phone to see Benny staring at me.

"What's up?" I asked.

She frowned.

"Benny?" I asked.

What the hell did her mom talk to her about?

"Steven wants to press charges," she said.

I didn't think about that, not once.

"What do you mean?" I asked, "Why?"

I couldn't even process her words properly.

Press charges? Why? For what?

He deserved to have the tar beaten out of him.

"That's why my mom called," she stated, "Steven wants to press charges, but she's trying to talk him out of it."

I held my hands up for her to wait.

"What happens if he does press charges against Michael?"

She awkwardly shifted her weight to her right, "He would go to jail."

"Why?" I asked, "Didn't Steven provoke him?"

"Well yeah," she said, "But from what mom said, Michael doesn't look half as bad as Steven does."

"Is he really going to press charges?" I asked.

It didn't sound like I really spoke out loud. It came out just above a whisper.

"I think so," she said.

Was this real life? Is this how shit really worked?

"We have to stop him," I said.

She nodded, "My mom is already trying."

"Can we see him?" I asked.

"See Steven?" she asked.

I nodded.

"I don't think that's the best idea."

I don't care about what choice is best.

Michael could go to actual prison because of me.

"Benny," I said, "None of this would have happened if it weren't for me."

"Don't do that to yourself," Benny said, "It could have been any of us."

I just stared at her. She looked a little upset.

"If Michael hadn't, then Gus would have," she said, "And if I saw him first, I would have."

It always felt strange when she said stuff like this.

It reminded me that I was loved.

I'm still not used to it.

It made my heart hurt, but in a good way.

"I would do the same for you," I said, "That's why I need to talk to Steven again."

"I don't think you'll be able to convince him to drop it," she said.

"I won't know until I try," I said, "Right?"

She just stared at me.

It looked like she was thinking it over.

"You're right," she frowned.

"Then what are we waiting for?" I asked.

She glanced down at her phone, "We still have some time before visiting hours are over."

I got to my feet and went right for my closet.

"Are you sure this is what you want to do?" she asked me.

I nodded fiercely at her.

They went out of their way for me. I wouldn't hesitate to protect them.

"Then let's do this," she said.

++++++++++

It took a bit longer than I would have liked to get ready and make it to the hospital they were at.

I settled on a pair of blue jeans and a long-sleeve red and black striped shirt.

Benny wore black jeans with a navy blue tank top.

Gus had been calling her.

I don't know why he couldn't just tell me when I talked to him earlier.

He wanted to tell Benny what was going on.

Even though he made it pretty clear that most of it wasn't going to be repeated.

So what was the point?

Why only share some of it?

Michael was admitted, but he was refusing to stay.

Gus's main reason for calling was to get help convincing him to stay.

Michael is fucking stubborn.

Benny reluctantly left me to deal with Steven by myself. She wanted to be there but knew the situation with Michael couldn't wait.

It was how I wanted it anyway.

I had a feeling that Steven would respond more honestly if he was just talking to me.

At least, I hoped that was the case.

I knocked lightly on the door.

I didn't hear a response.

My hand hesitated on the handle before I knocked again.

Still no response.

I opened the door anyway.

I poked my head in just to make sure it was actually Steven's room.

The glare I got from the boy let me know I was right.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he demanded.

I had to think about that one.

Do I just come right out and tell him to knock it off? Or do I at least try and hear his side of the story?

Fuck Steven.

He did look pretty battered though.

It made me feel better.

I walked into the room and shut the door behind me.

"I asked you a question," Steven said.

I could see the bruises on his face. They were dark blue, and it only made me wonder how bad Michael looked.

Steven glared at me as I found the chair next to his bed, and I sat in it.

I just stared at him for a good few minutes before I spoke.

"You don't look so good," I stated.

He really didn't.

He looked like he had a rough night.

"I wonder why?" he asked sarcastically.

His light brown eyes felt like they'd bore holes into me as he glared.

He seemed more upset than anything else.

Yes, the anger in his eyes was clear, but the rest of his face just expressed pure exhaustion.

It didn't seem like he really wanted to fight with me, despite his hostile attitude.

"Did you mean it?" I asked, "When you said you would tell me anything I wanted to know?"

His gaze softened, and it surprised me a little that he didn't look all proud of himself.

"Is there something that you want to know?"

He just stared back at me.

No anger, no pride, just a little bit curious.

"There is a lot that I would like to know," I admitted, "But I need to earn some of those answers."

His brows scrunched in disapproval, "Why do you have to earn them?"

"It's a trust thing, Steven," I said, "Maybe you just wouldn't understand."

He glanced away from me.

"You know," he said, "I'm not as shitty as you think I am."

"I didn't say you were," I stated, "But you were shitty to me."

He opened his mouth to respond, but he shut it.

"Why do others that join the group not last long?" I asked.

His eyes locked with mine.

"You really haven't figured that one out yet?" he asked.

I just shook my head.

"Michael," he stated.

I had a feeling he would say that. It felt like a small weight settled in my stomach.

"Michael has a difficult time keeping his dick to himself," he said, "Just in case you haven't noticed."

"Yeah," I sighed, "That's what I keep hearing."

"Mayren?"

I glanced up at him, and he looked a little worried.

He didn't say my name with any hate, and it reminded me of when we first started going out.

Well, in secret.

"About what I asked earlier," he said, "You really didn't?"

He was still worried about that?

"Really?" I asked.

"You have questions for me," he said, "And I have some for you."

I took in a good-sized breath to prepare myself.

"I didn't," I said, "We didn't."

He nodded.

Why did he look so damn relieved?

"Why did Michael ruin their chances of having more people?" I asked, "I know that you know him better than I do."

He shrugged, "He's been like that for as long as I've known him."

"Been like what?"

Steven sighed like he really didn't even want to talk about this.

"Michael is still just a little boy on the inside," he stated, "One of his biggest fears is being hurt by someone he cares about."

I frowned.

"He would always tell me growing up that to love someone is to destroy them," he nodded, "That was one of the reasons I looked up to him, honestly."

He looked up to Michael for that?

"If he pushes you away first, you can't hurt him," he said, "That is Michael logic."

"That's stupid," I stated.

"To you maybe," Steven said, "But to Michael, it was probably a coping mechanism."

Coping mechanism for what?

I wanted to ask so badly, but I couldn't.

"I can see it in your eyes," he said, "You want to know, don't you?"

I nodded, "But don't tell me."

"You really don't want to know?" he asked, "What happened to his stepfather?"

I shook my head.

"You don't want to know what his mother did to him?"

I shook my head again.

"Why are you different?" he asked.

That caught me off guard.

"Different from what?"

"Why do they love you?" he asked.

I had no idea how to answer that question.

"I don't know," I admitted, "I have no idea."

"Has he tried?" Steven asked, "Has he tried to fuck you?"

I shook my head.

"Don't lie," he said, "He was ready to kill me after what he thought I did to you."

"I'm not lying," I said, "He won't do it."

"He won't?" he asked, "Or he can't?"

"He won't," I said after a minute.

"So," he said, "You've offered then?"

I nodded.

"Is that how he knows about your thighs?" he asked.

It wasn't exactly how he knew, but I didn't feel like explaining that to him.

"Yes," I said quietly.

It was a little awkward, the silence that followed.

I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn't look at him.

"You really like him?" he asked.

I nodded.

"Mayren," Steven said softly, "You are wasting your time with him."

"You don't know that," I snapped.

"I do," he said, "He has no idea how to love anybody."

"Neither do I," I said, "But we won't know until we try."

He looked like he felt bad for me.

"Stop it," I said, "Stop looking at me like that."

"Mayren," he said, "Even his own mother couldn't love him right."

"She was sick," I said, "That's not his fault."

He looked surprised, "He told you?"

"He told me a little bit," I admitted, "But I don't know what happened."

He sighed again.

"When we were younger," Steven said, "I used to ask him about girls."

I glared at him.

"I'm not going to giveaway some crazy family secret," he said, "Just some classic Michael words of wisdom."

I just stared at him.

"He's a looker," he said, "I know you see that. Girls can't help the deep blue tormented eyes."

I glanced to the side.

His eyes were definitely one of the first things I noticed about him. I never saw torment in them.

I just saw a blue deeper than the ocean.

If I was being honest, I don't think I have ever seen a blue like his eyes before.

To me, the dark blue was purely Michael.

"What were his words of wisdom?" I asked.

He held up one finger, "To love someone so much, or even not enough. Kills them."

I frowned.

He held up a second finger, "To love someone, an obsession, or oppressive love. Rots them."

What the fuck?

He held up a third finger, "To pretend to love someone, wastes them away."

I didn't care much for any of these words.

He held up a fourth finger.

"There's more?" I asked.

"This is his biggest one, Mayren."

I don't think I wanted to hear this.

What kind of twisted shit happened to him?

"To truly love someone will only destroy you in the end," he said, "So why even bother with it in the first place?"

He really thinks that?

That loving me isn't even worth it?

He wasn't even the one I heard say it, so why does it still hurt?

"He really thinks that?" I asked.

Steven nodded, "He has this whole philosophy on it."

"You really think he can't love?" I asked.

"No," he admitted, "It's not that he can't. It's more like he won't."

He won't?

"But when it comes to matters of the heart," he said, "None of us have any control over who makes us feel the way we do."

"You really believe that?" I asked.

"I do," he admitted, "But Michael does have a point."

"What?" I snapped, "That loving someone isn't worth it?"

He shook his head. He didn't even look mad that I snapped at him.

"To love someone is to destroy them," he said, "To give someone else the power to hurt you, that is what he is trying to avoid."

Even if I already love him?

He doesn't care?

"Mayren," Steven said, "I've seen you do it before, and you should do it again."

I just glared at him.

I felt like I knew what he was about to say.

"Will anything you feel for him away," he said, "He'll only hurt you in the end."

What if there was a chance that he didn't?

"He only thinks about my cousin that way," he said, "And she loves that goody-two-shoes Gus."

"Hey," I warned, "Don't badmouth them."

"I'm not," he said, "I'm stating a fact."

I didn't quite get that. It sounded like he was trying to be a dick.

"The first real experience he had with non-familial love was Benny," he stated, "And even she didn't want him."

"She does love him," I stated, "Just not like that."

"Do you see my point?" he asked, "Every person he loves doesn't want him."

"But I do," I admitted.

I gasped the second the words left my mouth.

"I said the people he loves," Steven stated, "He cares for you, yes. Just not the way you want."

I frowned.

"If it helps," Steven said, "He's beating himself up over the bet."

I glared at him.

"The boy is so sensitive," he said, "Go easy on him. He didn't know it was you."

"It wouldn't have mattered either way," I said, "He didn't know me then."

He cocked his head to the side.

"That wouldn't have mattered," he said, "He has a soft spot for broken things."

What the hell was I supposed to say to that?

I was broken, but they were slowly putting me back together.

"There is nothing wrong with being broken, Mayren," Steven said, "I'm sorry I am one of the reasons you are."

Did he just apologize?

I stared at him, completely flabbergasted.

"I think I know the reason you're here," he said, "And it pisses me off a little."

"Why am I here?" I asked.

"You heard I was going to press charges," he said, "Am I wrong?"

I shook my head.

"What if I told you I was going to do it no matter what you said?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said.

"What if I wasn't going to press charges at all?" he asked.

I just stared at him.

He stared back at me as if he was waiting for a response.

"Are you?"

"What if I wanted a second chance?" he asked.

A second chance?

"What if I agreed to not press charges?" he asked, "In exchange, you give me a second chance."

"What?" I asked, "A second chance at what?"

He couldn't be serious.

"Go out with me for real this time," he said, "And I won't press charges against Michael."

"You're joking," I said flatly.

"I'm not."

"Fat disgusting hideous Mayren," I spat, "You want a second chance with that?"

"You were never hideous, Mayren," he stated, "You were a fat girl that didn't give anyone the time of day."

What?

"People tried to be your friend," he said, "But you never gave them a chance."

"What the fuck?" I gasped, "That's not how it was at all."

"You were always quiet and awkward," he said, "When anybody came up to you, you acted like they were bothering you."

That wasn't what happened.

"Why should I give you a second chance?" I asked, "When all you do is lie?"

"It may not have felt that way to you," he said, "But to all of us, it looked that way."

It didn't matter what I did back then. I couldn't say or do anything without getting hurt.

More often than not, it was physical.

"Mayren," he said softly, "Let me do this the right way this time."

Why?

Was he for real?

Why?

Why is he doing this now?

Why?

I thought he wanted nothing to do with me.

Why?

Fucking why?

"Why?" I asked, "You didn't want me the first time."

"Says who?" he asked, "You pushed me away."

"You took one look at me, and you were cruel," I whimpered, "Of course I would push you away."

"I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't know how to react to that then. I'm sorry."

"You can't undo what you did," I stated, "You went out of your way to hurt me after that."

He glared at the window, "Because the girl I liked rejected me."

I laughed, but there was no humor in any of this.

"Don't lie," I said.

"You think I know how to explain why I had feelings for you?" he demanded, "I have no fucking clue, you were fat, and you have that massive birthmark."

"So what?" I asked, "They were a part of me. They aren't me."

"We both know how cruel people can be when they don't understand," he said, "I could only take the bullying for so long."

"Poor you," I hissed.

"I wanted you to like me!" he yelled.

"I thought I loved you," I yelled back.

He stared at me wide-eyed.

"I thought I loved you," I whispered, "But you killed me that day."

He looked lost. He didn't know what to do or what to say.

His gaze frantically searched my face, then it went around the room as if searching for something.

"I thought for one second that you didn't want to be with me," I admitted, "Then when I asked you to wait, you exploded."

"I thought you were messing with me," he said, "I thought you just wanted to string me along like the rest of them."

"You were all I had," I admitted, "Why would I play with you?"

"Mayren," he groaned, "All I had in my head were those words. Don't fall in love. Don't give someone else the power to hurt you."

"That isn't my fault," I said.

"No," he said, "It's mine."

I just stared back at him.

He looked like he was falling apart.

"I didn't want to like you," he said, "It started as a bet, but the more I got to know you, the more I felt for you."

I glared at the ground.

"You made me question the things Michael always said," he admitted, "But then you pushed me away."

"Because of the way you looked at me," I felt like I was going to start crying, "You saw my thighs, and you looked disgusted."

"Because I was angry," he confessed, "I wanted to hurt whoever made you hate yourself so much."

I didn't know what to say.

I felt the sob in my throat.

"I realized after you were gone," he said, "That now I was probably one of those people."

"You were," I felt the tears.

"Mayren," he reached for me, but I moved away.

His hand dropped as he stared at me. His eyes pleaded for me to go to him.

His broken leg prevented him from getting up.

"Please," he said, "Don't cry."

I didn't know if I could trust him.

I wanted to hate him. I wanted him to leave this place and never come back.

But there was this voice in the back of my mind that kept asking, what if?

What if this whole thing really was just a big misunderstanding?

What if that is the reason he acted so fucking jealous?

What if he just wanted to see if I was still gullible, fat, sad, Mayren?

Why now?

A loud noise outside pulled my attention to the door.

"Where is she?"

I knew that voice.

"Michael," Gus pleaded, "Calm down."

The door burst open, and Michael stared at me.

It took me a minute to realize that I had tears pouring down my face.

"What the fuck did you do?" Michael growled at Steven.

Gus just barely managed to hold him back in time.

Benny was in the room right after, and all of them just looked confused.

"What's going on?" Benny asked.

"He made her fucking cry," Michael tried to move out of Gus's hold, but he couldn't.

I didn't realize how badly he was actually hurt.

His arm was in a sling still, and I could see several cuts littered across his skin.

Bruises marred his beautiful face.

"Ren?" Gus asked, "Are you okay?"

I quickly wiped at my face before I nodded.

"You don't have to act tough," Michael said, "What did he say to you?"

"What?" Steven asked, "Worried I might let something slip?"

"Fuck you," Michael growled.

Steven didn't even flinch.

"She already knows about the bet," Steven stated, "If that's what you were worried about."

I saw it on his face.

Michael's body trembled. It didn't help that I saw how pale he was.

He realized that I was staring at him, and his gaze dropped to the floor.

He was this scared of me finding out?

My attention went back to Steven.

'Go easy on him. He's beating himself up over the bet.'

I heard Gus whisper something to Michael, but I couldn't quite hear what he actually said.

My gaze landed on him, and he looked worried.

"Ren," Gus said cautiously, "Are you okay?"

Was I?

Was I angry about the bet? Fuck yeah, I was.

I also know that Michael wouldn't have done that to me now.

He didn't know me then, and he regrets it.

How can I hate him for that?

Easily I suppose, but I just couldn't.

"About what exactly?" I asked Gus.

Michael looked like he was looking for a way out.

"The bet," Benny supplied.

"I don't know," I said, "But I know he wouldn't make the same bet now."

Michael's eyes locked with mine, and I could see the swarm of emotions going through him.

"It hurt when I realized that it was him," I admitted, "But I know none of you would try to hurt me on purpose."

Benny and Gus both nodded quickly.

Michael just continued to stare at me.

"I know you guys make bets with each other all the time," I said, "And I don't think you knew exactly what was going on."

Michael shook his head slowly.

"I'm not mad," I said, "You weren't the one that did all of that to me."

I could see the questions in his gaze, but he didn't voice them.

"But I need you guys to leave," I said, "We were in the middle of a conversation."

"Are you sure?" Gus asked, "You looked pretty upset."

I nodded, "I'm okay."

"Ren," Benny said, "Don't let him bully you."

I smiled slightly at her, "I won't."

Benny held the door open for them to go, but Michael wouldn't even turn around.

His gaze was locked on me.

"I'm not leaving you alone with him," Michael said flatly.

"That isn't up to you," I said back.

He looked a little hurt by my words, but I could see that flicker of anger.

"After everything he's already done?"

"Yes," I said, "Now, please. Give us a minute."

He stood there, not budging.

"What don't you want her to know, Mikey?" Steven asked, "We can just tell her right now."

"Keep your fucking mouth shut!" Michael snapped.

"Michael," Steven said, "She asked you to leave."

Michael's eyes went to me quickly.

His brows furrowed the longer he realized I wasn't going to say anything.

"Ren," Michael pleaded, "Leave with us."

"Why?" I asked.

He made it very clear that he didn't want me.

Now I know why he didn't.

It wasn't fair for him to ask me to choose him when he would never choose me back.

"Michael," Gus said, "She asked us to give her a minute. That's exactly what we're going to do."

"You guys can wait outside," Michael said, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Michael," Benny pulled him by the back of his shirt, "We're not asking."

He stumbled as he was forced back, but he broke free of her hold. He looked considerably more pissed off.

"Steven is a liar," Michael snapped, "I don't want him to keep feeding her lies."

I sighed.

"What?" Michael demanded, "Do you believe his bullshit?"

The last thing I wanted to do right now, is fight with him.

"Aren't you supposed to be resting?" I asked, "In your own room?"

"No," he said, "I checked myself out."

I looked at Benny and Gus, and they both looked guilty.

"We tried," Benny admitted, "But he just wouldn't."

"It didn't help when he heard you were here," Gus stated, "With Steven."

That is truly unfortunate, but right now, what I'm doing is none of his business.

"We're not talking about you, Mike," Steven said, "Don't worry about it."

"Bullshit," Michael laughed dryly, "How did the bet come up then?"

"Earlier conversation," I stated, "When you two wouldn't pick up your fucking phones."

Both Gus and Michael frowned.

"You can't just decide for us when we need to know something," I said, "What if something serious happened to you?"

I didn't even try to hide how angry that made me.

"If any of this is going to work, we need to talk to each other." My eyes landed on Michael, "Like adults."

"This is you communicating?" Michael scowled, "By asking us to fuck off?"

"I'm not asking you to fuck off," I said, "I'm trying to have a conversation, and I need to keep a level head."

He looked at me like I was crazy.

"When I walked in here, you were in fucking tears," he stated, "How is that level-headed?"

"Do you really want to know what we're talking about, Michael?" I asked.

I asked with as much irritation as I could muster.

His expression changed.

I wasn't sure if it was worry or surprise.

Maybe a combination of the two.

"Steven was asking me for a second chance," I stated, "And I was trying to decide if I should give him one or not."

"Are you fucking kidding?" Michael spat.

His anger actually turned his face red.

"Michael," Gus moved to partially block him from me, "That's her decision to make."

"After everything he's done to you?" Michael gasped, "You're just going to forgive him?"

I felt my mind going numb.

This feeling was unpleasant. It was like I was slowly losing consciousness, but I knew I would still function despite my lack of cognition.

I could see the worry etched in Benny's expression.

She hated Steven right now.

I felt like I did too, but after what he just told me. I was torn.

"I don't know," I admitted, "But don't I deserve the chance to decide that for myself?"

"Fuck Steven," Michael said in a pleading tone, "He doesn't deserve your forgiveness."

"And you do?" Steven spat.

"Shut the fuck up," I said, "I am the only person that will decide who I forgive and why."

Michael looked like he lost all the fight in him.

"You just love the abuse, don't you?" Michael asked.

My eyes locked with his again, "Clearly."

Michael turned away from me, and to my surprise, he left without another word.

Gus was quick to follow him out, but Benny lingered.

"Ren," she said softly, "We'll be out here if you need anything, okay?"

I nodded, "Thank you."

She hesitated to shut the door behind her as she left.

"That was surprising," Steven said.

"What?" I asked.

My eyes remained on the door.

Maybe part of me wanted him to drag me out of here.

"Michael arguing with you," he stated, "He doesn't usually do that."

I heard something similar when I first met them.

"It happens more often than you'd think," I stated.

I finally turned to look at him again.

He looked a bit shocked as he thought about something.

"Steven," I said, "I can't just forgive you right away."

He nodded slowly, "That makes sense."

"You need to earn it," I stated.

He didn't look like he liked the idea of that, "Earn it how?"

"For starters," I said, "A second chance, but as friends."

"Just friends?" he asked.

"Is that not good enough for you?"

He shook his head quickly, "Friends is good."

"Good," I said, "Because that is all you're getting right now."

He only nodded.

"You also have to not press charges against Michael," I added.

"I was the one assaulted," he said.

"I don't fucking care," I said, "Keep your word."

"I said a second chance as your boyfriend," he stated.

"And I said you have to earn that," I countered.

"I don't like this deal," he stated.

"I didn't ask."

He cocked his head to the side, "I don't like what Michael does to you."

I glared at him, "I don't think you have a right to chime in on our relationship."

"As your friend I do," he stated, "And what relationship?"

"Friends," I stated, "Family."

"He's your family?" he asked.

I could hear the amusement in his voice.

"Yes."

What more was there to say?

I made my way to the door, but I heard Steven's faint voice.

"Is your number still the same?"

I turned to look at him, "It is."

He nodded.

"I'll have to unblock you first," I stated, "But I won't do that today."

He frowned, but he nodded again.

"Get some rest," I said, "And feel better."

His mood picked up. He grinned at me.

I hated when he smiled like that.

He had an amazing smile.

Perfect fucking teeth.

Shitty personality.

I definitely had a type.

"You too, Mayren," Steven said, "Goodnight, I'll talk to you soon."

I only nodded before I opened the door and shut it behind me when I walked out.

Benny was the only one I saw waiting.