Beside You Ch. 18: Scars That I'm Hiding

Chapter Eighteen: Scars That I'm Hiding

My eyes weren't even open yet.

All I felt was pain.

My head felt like it was splitting. Nausea soon followed.

My eyes opened, and the room was still dark.

There was no light from the window, no lamp, no computer screen. Nothing.

This horrible feeling settled heavily in my chest.

It felt like I lost something.

I just wish I could put my finger on what it was.

I forced myself to sit up.

On instinct, my gaze went to Benny's side of the room.

She was still asleep.

It took me a couple of minutes to figure out exactly what the horrible feeling was.

It felt like grief.

Something important felt gone.

It sat heavily on my chest, and my eyes swelled with tears.

What the fuck was I grieving for?

It felt wrong. I felt disgusting.

I needed to take a shower.

My hand searched the bed blindly for my phone.

Where the hell did I leave that little shit?

After a minute, I finally found it.

The phone was partially under my pillow.

I pressed on the screen to see the time.

5:07 AM.

Fucking hell.

Just under the time was a notification.

6 Unread messages.

From: Collin – 'I'm glad that you changed your mind.'

From: Collin – 'I'm looking forward to Saturday.'

It felt odd to have a boy want to spend time with me like this.

It was always different with Michael. It felt like I was one looking forward to seeing him.

I honestly wonder if he enjoyed spending time with me at all.

Sometimes it seemed like he did, but I don't know for sure.

I shook my head.

I needed to stop it.

He made it clear.

I was going to move on.

Even if just thinking about moving on hurts.

I had other messages to read.

I backed out of the messages from Collin to see an unknown number.

From: Unknown – 'Ren, this is Gus. Are you alright?'

I was quick to program Gus into my phone so that I didn't forget.

Then I went back to the messages.

From: Gus – 'What happened? Michael won't talk to me.'

From: Gus – 'Sorry, Benny said that you were asleep.'

From: Gus – 'Please message me when you wake up.'

Did I not have Gus' number before?

I didn't really feel that it was necessary to message Collin back yet.

Gus seemed really worried. I thought it was a good idea to message him back, regardless of what time it was.

My hands froze over the keypad.

What was I even supposed to say to him?

Michael is an asshole?

Shit happened, and now Michael and I will probably not be friends like we were before?

I wanted to know what happened too.

I didn't want to think about yesterday, but this wasn't something I could just ignore.

Steven was here. I couldn't run away from him again.

The people I have here are too important to me.

I was happy here.

This was supposed to be my safe place.

My head shook again before I replied to Gus.

To: Gus – 'I'm okay.'

To: Gus – 'Thank you.'

I sat there for a minute, debating whether or not I should say more.

I already promised that I would tell Benny what was going on.

Did I want to tell Gus first? Would he tell Benny before I even had the chance to say anything?

I'm sure if I asked him not to, he'd wait.

This was already hard enough. How many times would I have to tell the story?

The last thing I wanted to have to do was relive it.

I just stared at the screen.

I could be vague.

My head cocked to the side.

To: Gus – 'Bennys Cousin happened.'

To: Gus – 'I'm sure Michael will talk to you later, just give him a little time.'

I glanced up at the top corner of my phone.

5:37 AM.

Damn it.

My phone went off, and it scared me.

I looked down to see a phone call.

Oh shit.

"Hello?" I whispered.

"I wasn't sure if you would actually answer," Gus said.

He sounded relieved.

"Well, you called," I whispered, "Is everything alright?"

"What do you mean Benny's cousin happened?" he asked, "What did he do?"

I looked over at Benny.

"I wanted to talk to Benny first," I said.

There was a short silence, "I get that, but I'm trying to figure out how things got so bad yesterday."

I wasn't sure I was up for having this conversation more than once.

"Hold on," I said.

I heard a noise of agreement.

I got up, and I sat on Benny's bed.

She moved just a little before I poked her arm.

"Benny," I said.

"What are you doing?" Gus asked.

"I'm waking her up," I stated, "This will be a whole lot easier on me just to have to say this all once."

"Ren," Gus whispered, "It can wait."

"Hmmm," Benny groaned.

"Not anymore it can't," I stated.

Benny looked up at me and sat up instantly.

"What is it?" she gasped, "What happened?"

"That's why," Gus sighed.

"Gus called me," I stated, "Everything is okay."

She nodded slowly, but the worry never once left her expression.

"He wanted to know what happened yesterday," I said, "I told him that it was your cousin."

Benny frowned, "What did Steven do?"

"It was him," I didn't realize just how much emotion I was holding in.

My voice broke once I said it.

I dropped my phone from my face to put it on speaker.

"Gus," Benny said, "You're on speaker."

"Hey Babe," he said, "What is going on?"

"She doesn't look too good," she said.

"What do you mean it was him?" Gus asked.

"Do…" I croaked.

Fucking hell.

How was I supposed to say the words when I couldn't even speak?

"He…" I tried again.

"Honey," Benny leaned in to gently rub the side of my face, "You can say it. You're safe with us."

Those words didn't help.

They were exactly what I needed to hear.

My eyes blurred, and I felt the tears fall before I had the chance to really process what she said after that.

"Does Michael know?" Gus asked.

All I could do was nod.

"She nodded," Benny said.

"Fuck," Gus said, "I'd kick him if he was here."

"He's not there?" Benny asked.

"Is he ever?" Gus said, "I thought things were getting better."

So then he was out with a girl?

I felt angry now.

Well, anger and jealousy.

"Do you remember the story about the boy before?" I asked.

My voice shook the whole time, but the anger helped me get it out.

"The boy before?" Gus asked.

"The one I almost lost my virginity to?" I asked.

"The asshole?" Benny asked, "What about him?"

There was a short silence.

"Ren," Gus said so quietly that I barely heard him, "Was it Steven?"

I nodded.

Benny looked angry. I've never seen that much hate on her face before.

"Steven was the one who hurt you?" she asked to clarify.

I nodded again.

"I'll fucking kill him," Benny growled.

"Not if I get to him first," Gus said, "You can bring him back and kill him again."

The love I felt only made my chest hurt.

"Is that why he had a bloody nose earlier?" Gus asked after a few minutes.

"Michael punched him," I said.

"Good," Gus said, "Only once?"

I nodded.

"Unfortunately," Benny said sourly, "I'm not going to stop with one."

I gripped her hand hard, "You don't have to kill him."

"Oh, I know," she said, "I want to."

"Nobody fucks with our Ren," Gus stated, "Even if we didn't know you yet. Nobody."

"Our Ren?" I asked.

"Is that even a question?" Gus asked, "Yes, ours."

My eyes started to sting again.

"Ours," Benny said, "It's the four of us against the world now."

I couldn't stop them this time, I sobbed.

I have been so alone for so long.

It was weird to know that they loved me as much as I loved them.

That they didn't just say it.

"Come here," Benny pulled me on top of her, and she held me.

"Are you saying you don't want us to hurt him?" Gus asked, "Because I want to kick his ass."

"One," I managed to get out, "One good punch."

"Say less, Babe," Gus said, "Steven is about to experience a broken nose."

Did Gus just call me babe?

Benny must have sensed my question, "Just go with it Babe."

I only nodded against her.

"We'll call you back Babe," Benny said, "Love you."

"Love you guys too," Gus said, "I'm so sorry Ren, Steven has always been a piece of shit."

"Love you guys too," I said, "Michael said the same thing."

"It's true," Benny stated.

She was the one that tried to hook me up with him.

"Talk to you later," Gus said.

He hung up the phone before either of us could respond.

"I can't believe I tried to hook the two of you up," Benny said, "I forget how shitty he is sometimes."

"I forgive you," I said.

She pat my back soothingly.

"I'm alright now," I said.

I tried to get up, but she wouldn't let me.

"You're going to stay right here until my alarm goes off," she said, "Then we're going to have an amazing day."

"I hope so," I said.

"I have spoken Ren," she said, "So shall it be."

I felt a smile tug at my lips.

"Can I at least take a shower?" I asked.

"Together?" she asked.

I felt myself grin, "Is that really what you want, Babe?"

She giggled, "You bet your sweet ass I do."

I wasn't expecting her to actually slap me right on my ass.

++++++++++

Surprisingly today didn't suck.

Benny went out of her way to make sure I had a good day.

I can't even begin to tell her just how much I love her for it.

My day went by quick, so that was another small blessing.

Benny grinned at me from across the table.

"What?" I asked.

Her eyebrows did that rise then fall thing.

The suggestive brow, I believe it's called.

"Gus wanted to wait for you," she said, "So you could watch him punch Steven in the face."

I perked up at that.

"I thought you might enjoy that," she said.

"When?" I asked, "Where?"

He was at school, right? Wouldn't he get in trouble for hitting him?

"Benny," I said, "Won't he get in trouble?"

Benny shrugged, "He would do it for you."

"He shouldn't," I said, "I don't want him to get in trouble for me."

She smiled softly, "Ren, he wants to kill Steven."

I felt some weird happiness from that. I was glad that they were on my side.

Well, at least Benny and Gus are.

"Meet by the gym?" Benny asked.

I shrugged, "If that's where they want to meet."

"P.E just let out a bit ago," she said, "Girls avoid the gym for a bit after classes let out."

So the perfect time on our end, but what about theirs?

She met my gaze, and she answered like I spoke the question out loud.

"No ladies to gawk at," she said, "No creepers."

"Fair enough," I nodded.

She stood up with her tray, "Let's go."

I stood up with my tray as well and followed her.

We threw our trash away before returning the dark red plastic to the cafeteria.

I swear Benny grinned all the way to the gym.

This still felt strange.

What if Steven says something about my thighs?

What if he tells them everything I've tried to keep away?

I was suddenly afraid to meet them at the gym.

By the time I realized it, we were already there.

Gus stood there, and it looked like he was talking to somebody.

Is that Steven?

"Don't tell me that pussy isn't going to show up?" Benny asked.

If that wasn't Steven over there, then who was it?

The guy pointed over at us, and Gus turned to wave.

"Collin must really like you," she nudged me.

That was Collin?

I didn't recognize him from this distance.

Why was he even with Gus?

What if Steven says something to Collin?

Damn it.

It felt like I had rocks in my stomach.

"Where is Michael?" Benny asked.

I looked around, but I didn't see him.

"Could he be bringing Steven?" I asked.

"I don't know," she barely mumbled.

Gus took his phone out of his pocket.

Before I knew it, my phone was going off.

I answered it once I saw who it was.

I pressed the speaker button before I spoke.

"Hey Babe," I greeted.

"It was an accident," Gus sighed.

"You can't unring the bell," I said.

"She's right Babe," Benny said.

"It just means that there are two of us now," I stated.

Benny nodded, "Facts."

"Alright then," Gus said, "Well, Steven is being a chicken shit."

"You told him?" I asked.

"Fuck yeah, I did," Gus said, "He needs to man up and take this hit to the fucking face."

"What a pussy," Benny frowned.

"If he doesn't show up, it's alright, Gus," I said, "The last thing I want is for you to get in trouble for me."

"Ren," he said softly, "I already told you, nobody fucks with you."

My heart couldn't handle this much love. I wasn't used to it.

"Thanks Babe," I said.

Benny just grinned next to me.

"Hey, Michael," I heard Collin in the background.

I looked up, and I frowned once I saw him.

He had a sling over his shoulder, holding his left arm.

I didn't realize it was that bad.

I know it was his shoulder, but was his arm hurt too?

"Where is he?" Gus asked.

"Who?" Michael asked.

"Steven," Gus stated.

"Why the fuck are you meeting Steven over here?" he asked.

Michael looked over at us, and even from here, I could see that pissy expression.

"And what the fuck are they doing here?" Michael asked.

"To watch," Collin stated.

"To watch what?" Michael hissed.

"Gus is going to break some guy's nose," Collin stated.

Michael glanced over at us again.

"You're not doing shit," Michael growled, "For what?"

I could see Gus's body language completely change.

"He didn't actually just fucking say that," Benny asked, "Did he?"

"Benny," Michael hissed.

"You're joking," Benny said, "You get to punch him, but we don't?"

Michael took two steps away from Gus.

What the hell?

"So she told you?" Michael asked.

"We know enough," Gus stated.

Michael laughed.

He actually laughed. It didn't sound genuine.

"Then you should know that Steven isn't coming," Michael stated.

"And you know this how?" Benny asked.

"Because I told him not to," Michael stated.

I instantly felt sick.

"What the actual fuck?" Benny asked, "Why?"

He gestured to each of us with his good arm.

"What is this even for?" he asked, "Because Ren said he did something?"

I was going to throw up.

"Michael," Gus said calmly, "Get the fuck away from me."

"The fuck?" Michael asked.

"You don't believe her," Gus asked, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Did any of you even ask his side of the story?" Michael asked.

"Why?" Collin asked.

"So you just blindly believe whatever she says?" Michael asked, "You don't even know what the fuck happened."

Benny looked at me, and I could see it on her face.

She didn't know what to say. It was like she was asking me if he was serious.

I didn't know how to explain the flurry of emotions that tore through me.

I couldn't identify any of them. They all moved so quickly and violently inside of me that I just stood there.

I couldn't even cry.

"Really," Gus said, "Get the fuck away from me."

"You're choosing her over me?" Michael asked.

I felt myself starting to shake.

"This isn't about you," Gus growled, "You weren't there either. You have no idea what kind of a person Steven really is."

"And you do?" Michael hissed.

Gus shook his head, "I can't believe you're actually doing this right now."

"What I'm doing?" Michael asked, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Benny gripped my hand hard.

I didn't want to be the reason that the two of them fought.

"Gus," I said, "It's fine."

"No," Gus said, "This is anything but fine."

Collin looked like he wasn't sure what to do.

"You don't see what Steven does," Gus said, "Because you do the same shit."

Michael stepped up pretty quickly to Gus.

"You saying I hurt girls like Ren?" Michael asked, dead serious.

"I'm saying," Gus used his hand to get Michael out of his face. He pressed his hand to his chest and moved him back a little, "That when you want something, you don't always care who you hurt."

"Is that how you really feel?" Michael asked.

"Is this how you really feel?" Gus asked back, "That Ren deserved whatever Steven did to her?"

"Of course not," Michael said.

Finally, his tone calmed down.

"Then what the fuck is this?" Gus asked, "Why are you defending him?"

Michael glanced over at me.

"I'm the one talking to you," Gus snapped, "None of us know what happened, only them. Are you telling me that you don't believe Ren?"

"I don't know," Michael admitted, "I want to, but you didn't hear his side of the story."

"And you did?" Gus asked, "When?"

"Last night," he said, "I wanted to hear what he had to say."

"And?" Gus said, "Did he brag? Did he tell you all the little things he did to her?"

The disgust in his voice startled me.

"You let him say things about her?" Gus asked, "And you didn't kill him?"

Michael glanced over here again.

"I'm fucking talking to you," Gus growled, "You let him say all of that stuff about her?"

Gus actually scared me.

I've never seen him take that tone with anyone before.

It made me feel awful that he was using it on Michael, for my sake.

Michael ran his free hand through his dirty blond hair.

"No," he said so quietly I barely heard, "Gus, stop."

Gus looked angry.

From here, I could see how tense he was.

"You let him say all that shit about her?" Gus asked, "And you did nothing?"

Gus sounded hurt.

"God damn it, Gus," Michael hissed, "Of course not."

"Then what did you do?" Gus asked.

"Gus," Michael warned.

"Tell me," Gus said, "Tell us what you did then."

The words from yesterday came to my mind.

'I'll deal with you later.'

What did he do? After the shit he said, I feel like he just gave Steven money to take a vacation. Not that he needs it.

"I tried to hear him out," Michael said, "He kept calling and texting me, telling me that he wanted to explain."

Gus just crossed his arms expectantly.

"I heard some of what he had to say," Michael said, "But once he started saying other shit, I couldn't hear him anymore."

"Elaborate," Benny said.

"Benny," Michael said, "You guys don't need to hear this."

"You don't get to say that," Gus stated, "What did he say?"

Michael looked like he was having trouble over there.

Good, an internal struggle for a megalodon asshole.

"He said that he did things to her," Michael stated, "But when he asked her to do some stuff to him, she freaked out."

"And you believe that?" Benny asked.

"Like you keep saying," Michael said flatly, "I wasn't there."

"Ren," Gus said, "Is it true?"

It felt a little like something inside of me flipped.

"Which part?" I asked.

Michael looked pissed off.

"Any of it," Gus said.

"I'll only say it once," I said, "I am a virgin, and the closest Steven got to fucking me was him putting his hands up my skirt."

"Ren," Benny said before she put her arm around my shoulder.

"I hesitated," I said, "For a fucking second, I hesitated, and he lost it."

It was silent. I could hear Benny take in a deep breath.

"I'm not what you would classify as a pretty girl," I said, "At least I wasn't back home."

Benny's hand lightly rubbed my shoulder.

"I was picked on, and kids back home were brutal," I said, "Steven acted like he liked me."

Gus was staring at me.

"He took whatever the other kids threw at him, and he made me feel like I was special," I said, "He made me feel like he genuinely wanted me for me."

"Ren," Benny said softly.

"I was scared," I hissed, "For a second, I was scared that he might not really like me, and he proved he didn't."

Gus turned to Michael, and I just watched as he shook his head at him.

"He laughed at me," I admitted, "He told me how disgusting I was and that I should be lucky that he showed me any interest at all."

I didn't want to relive this.

I felt the same sickness and anger I did then. The same shame.

The same desire to disappear off the face of the earth.

The desire to die.

"The bullying got worse," I said, "And to top it all off, I found out that it was a fucking bet."

"What?" Michael asked.

"Someone bet him that he couldn't fuck me," I hissed, "I hope they got their fucking money."

Nobody said anything.

"Satisfied?" I asked, "Now go ask Steven. I'm sure he'll tell you the truth."

Michael didn't say anything before he walked away.

"What the fuck?" Collin asked, "Michael?"

Michael kept walking.

"I'm so fucking sorry," Benny said, "Ren."

I didn't expect her to hug me so tightly.

Her grip tightened, and it took me a minute to realize that she was crying.

Gus stared at me from the other side of the fence.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't mean for you to have to share all that."

I shook my head, "You guys don't know how grateful I am just to have you. I want you to trust me."

"I do trust you," Gus said, "I thought Michael did too."

Part of me hoped that he felt shitty for that.

He made me relive that day, that week, that month, that whole shitty year.

I hated fat camp, but I was free. I worked my ass off, and for as much as I dreaded coming here, I'm so fucking thankful.

"You guys don't know how much you mean to me," I felt myself starting to cry, "I didn't know how badly I needed you."

Benny tightened her grip around me.

"Fuck," Gus groaned, "Squeeze her tighter for me."

Benny did, and my ribs hurt.

"We didn't know how much we needed you either," Gus said, "But here we are."

"Your home is with us," Benny said, "No matter what anyone else says."

I nodded.

"It's probably best that Steven avoids me," Gus stated, "I'm not joking. I will hurt him."

"I love you Gus," I said, "And I love you too Benny."

"I love you," Benny said.

"I love you too," Gus said.

Damn it.

I pressed my face into Benny's shoulder.

"I know I'm ruining the moment," Collin said, "But I didn't realize how close you guys were."

"Shut up," Gus laughed.

Gus's laugh was contagious. I found myself giggling, and even Benny was laughing.

"You guys are adorable," Collin said, "It's actually a little painful to watch."

Benny pulled away from me, and we both looked over at the boys.

Gus wrapped his arm around Collin's shoulders and squeezed him into his side.

"You said you wanted it to hurt, right?" Gus laughed.

"No," Collin groaned, looking uncomfortable.

He laughed once Gus ruffled his hair and let him go.

I found myself grinning at them.

An awful thought went through my mind.

I understood now why Benny chose Gus.

He was a knight. He had this unwavering faith in us.

He defended us even when he didn't know why he was defending us.

My gaze went to Collin.

For the first time in a while, I was looking forward to spending time with the opposite sex.

If things really worked out, maybe Collin could be the one.

He fits in with Benny and Gus so well too.

My eyes left them and went in the direction that Michael walked in.

The last thing I wanted was for him to be left alone.

Right now, I just didn't want to be the one with him.

"We should probably go now," Benny said, "We've been over here a little too long."

I nodded.

"Later boys," Benny waved.

"Later Babes," Gus called.

"See you Saturday, Red," Collin called.

Benny gasped as she pulled me away.

"Bitch!" she whisper yelled, "You didn't tell me you changed your mind."

"I told him last night that I changed my mind," I admitted, "And with everything going on, it sort of slipped my mind. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," she said, "Just let me help you get ready for the party."

"Okay," I said.

"Yay," she said before she started to skip, "I'm so excited for you!"

I could feel it too.

I was a little nervous, though. Now that Collin knew all of that shit, he might be a bit wary around me.

That was a problem for a different day.

I was feeling too good right now to let things get me down.

Despite the strain I knew it was about to put on me, I joined Benny in her skipping all the way back to our room.