7 | Cut the Cord

2022

They gathered together around a creaky makeshift table with meat that could have fit with a viking feast. Some creature that she didn't know the name of—it certainly didn't exist in the old world. Darren laughed a loud sound and called it a "worm dragon". Ally supposed that was an accurate description. It looked to be as long as her arm, but the wings had to be removed during the cooking process. She remembered they looked like bat wings.

Elaine had hunted in the old world—she told Ally that her uncle used to take her out for trips all the time, so she remembered some pointers from those early days.

Ally took special notice when Elaine set up the blaze and started searing the meat.

"It's seriously putting your work to shame. What do you think?" Jace thought.

"I think that you have to give me some leeway," Ally thought back.

"I'm just saying that if you put me in the same situation I would have handled it no problem."

"Well, that's to be expected."

"Can't help that I'm just built different."

"God...stop."

She was torn out of her thoughts by the smell of the worm-dragon. It had this smell that she couldn't place until her portion was placed in front of her. It was a mixture of jerky mixed with what smelt like gasoline. The odor hung around her in a powerful grip that would have driven her away from eating...had she not had her last meal before she ever met up with the rest of them. Her stomach was aching for nourishment, and she realized she doesn't have it in her to be the one to kill so soon after the last time. She knows she'll have to get over that insecurity, but that isn't today.

"It smells good," Ally said, hoping it sounds appreciative enough.

"You don't have to lie. Elaine's not the type to get offended," Tina said. "I've told her my honest opinion on her cooking several times and she's fine."

"That's because you're a bitch," Estelle said, and laughed before shuffling into a small cough.

"Hey that's...totally fair," Tina said, sliding into a smile. "Sorry hun," she looked over to Elaine.

"That's the thing about you teens," Elaine began, "I know not to take your criticism seriously. But you were right on one thing—I don't get offended over my cooking skills. Old Uncle Arty never taught me how to cook, only kill," she laughed.

Part of Ally expected a sort of reaction out of Darren and Daisy, but they were picking at their food like they hadn't heard any of it.

"They're used to it," Elaine said.

Ally, surprised, looked back to a warm smile.

"I figured if they're going to go through the end of the world they can learn about how life really is. I mean, they learned that fact more than I could ever teach."

"Dad always said that life...sucks," Darren said, not looking up from his meat. "I think so. But I saw him happy when my mom was still alive, so I know he didn't think like that all the time."

Ally subconsciously turned to Elaine for answers like she's trained herself—to look toward the adult for answers. No matter how liberated she tried to be it ends up not meaning anything if her default is to throw that all away at the first available opportunity.

But it's not Elaine who answers—but Darren. He continues on in a tone she could have mistaken for someone twice his own age. "Mom died in a car accident when I was a baby, Dad got real sad then. I got real sad then, but then I learned to stop."

"How'd you stop, Darren?" Elaine asked, guiding him now. Her tone seemed to imply this was news to her as well.

Darren was quiet for a moment, and his eyes shifted down to the table.

"Oh…I'm so sorry," Elaine said. "I didn't know."

"It's okay though, they don't hurt that much anymore. Once you do it enough times you stop hurting all the time. It gets easier. I was going to show Daisy it because she's been real sad lately."

A sort of panicked look crossed Elaine's face. "Uh, no, that won't be necessary, Darren. That kind of damage to your skin doesn't help everybody."

"Really? Why not?" Darren asked. "It actually felt..."

"No." Tina said, firm. "You aren't teaching her to harm herself. That's how you want to treat her pain?"

Darren looked confused, as if suddenly he was told the sky could no longer exist above him. "What do you mean? It worked for me...all I would have to do is—"

"Darren." Tina's voice was firm from the other side of the table. Elaine stared at the boy in a new sense of horror and pity that both of the children recognized immediately.

"If it's not too much trouble," Daisy began, "I...would like to be excused from the table."

"Okay...okay, that's fine," Elaine said, letting her hands find a neutral position on the table. "Darren, I'm very sorry for what you've been through, but I think this is something we should talk about together in private."

"Okay," he said, unphased. He turned to Ally, who through all of this felt like she couldn't be more into the ground. "Do you cut yourself?"

"DARREN!" Tina howled at him, slamming her fist down on the table.

Ally's eyes went wide and the question was the most surprising thing out of everything thus far.

Time seemed to freeze. The answer was right in front of her face—it was an obvious answer, but what use would the truth be here? An answer from her wasn't needed. Elaine and Tina had the situation handled. He was just a kid. He didn't understand...but on some level, he did.

"Yes." Ally said, softly.

This seemed to satisfy Darren, who was not listening to the adults practically screaming at him. He simply nodded, stood up, and then walked away toward his sleeping quarters.

"I...am so sorry," Elaine said. "Normally he's not like that, normally—"

"I don't think normally exists anymore," Ally said. "I don't feel bad about saying that. I know I'm young, but it's like you said, we've all sort of earned the right to experience all of life."

Elaine shook her head, "I was talking about coming to terms with adult matters in healthy ways. That is not healthy."

"No, it's not," Ally agrees. "But I don't know if yelling at him about it is either."

Tina had no side comment. Elaine didn't either. Estelle was quietly listening to the whole exchange as it went on, and then quietly added, "I think we have still yet things more to learn about ourselves here, and we should work together to solve our problems instead of making him feel like he is a problem."

The rest of the night flew like a blur in Ally's mind. She was brought to think of her own past occasions of self harm—events which she hadn't thought about since this whole new world business came through. Part of her knew her mind would settle in on old habits soon enough, but another part of her hoped that it wouldn't have been so soon before they did.

When those intrusive thoughts took over Jace wasn't around to stop her—it was perhaps the only thing that was stronger than his force inside her mind—and that terrifies her. Normally he's there to combat the awful things that she thinks about herself or uplift her in ways she cannot do for herself...but that was a whole new level of darkness that was free for her to explore to her discontent.

Seeing what life was now—it was easy to succumb to those thoughts, but she thought as she lie awake staring up at the stars—a vivid violet in this new world—of the things propelling her forward ever since the Nasseu Incident ended. Lilly, and Issachar, and the twins, and Aoi...if she could even find one of them things could be so much better. She could have a proper goal—one of course that would heavily vary based on who that was—but it would be a goal nonetheless.

But she was no fool. She could not wander the new world endlessly on the hope that she would somehow by chance stumble onto a face that her mind held close. She had to survive—she had to learn more about this world. She had to stay here, and help solve her own problems. Then maybe someday...her dreams would come true.