Another Tomorrow:

So I wake up the next day, without determination but animated by a discipline instilled by the family. Eyes perfumed with sleep, I still hesitate to go back to sleep, an internal debate then begins for a few minutes. Finally the fear of the blows of the progenitor make me go out.

With a gloomy and shuffling step, I commit myself to the heavy task of facing the gleam of the sun and taking care of this morning routine, the boredom of which almost makes me sleep standing up.

Contemplating the surface of the milk in my bowl, my imagination is unleashed, it would take a change, even a small one, to liven up my daily life even a little. So I imagine myself being endowed with this or that talent, being in the spotlight or even acting in the shadows, like a hero without a cape. Even in the depths of despair, nothing can stop a man from dreaming. Unfortunately, I know that in my case, dreams and reality will never resonate together.

I read a lot of novels. In these books, we always think that what happens to the hero is due to a random event, which dragged him into a chain of consequences. But I rather think that from his birth, he was already someone special, someone who stands out from the herd of sheep that is Man. In comparison, I know that the word special does not define me and is not written into my genetic code.

I have the impression that my parents only transmitted to me the worst part of themselves, I was like a receptacle of their faults, the very materialization of what he hates in them.

Staring into space, thoughts swirling, I am distracted. The present moment is often very quickly swept away by the mass of information that I think of. I measure without doing it on purpose, each consequence of such and such a choice. The others have become predictable.

Once again I am bored and I hate the one who said that each choice opens onto infinity. If this statement is true, why doesn't anyone do something that will completely change their life?

I have the impression that in my region, people are a little too at rest in their room. Preoccupied with keeping their respective comfort rather than facing the problems that we are repressing and which have a "beautiful" surprise in store for us in the near future.

Back to the present, I am currently eating with my family. For the moment the mood is rather happy but I know that it can very quickly derail, it is enough that the bad subject is evoked. A large window is to my right, I spend most of my meal time watching what is happening in the garden. More absorbed by the nothing outside rather than the nothing inside. At least outside, a cat sometimes disturbs the calm of the scene.

It would be useless to ask me my thoughts, in such a moment it is complete emptiness. To be frank, I only speak when questioned and often in these rare interactions I am found to be insolent. I then learned to hide what I think after two or three spankings that almost gave me a concussion.

My life is a long, calm and steady river. I feel that my life is part of the natural order, everything is written and if I try to change that, a weakness comes over me. Many people call it "laziness" but I rather think of a reaction of the body which is disgusted at having to change the tranquility of the present.

If we manage to overcome this weakness, especially through discipline, it is the brain that takes care of it. It makes us live flashbacks of a much better, even embellished before the change, to push us to stop our evolution. Yes an evolution, I think that as soon as you feel these different phases, you can be sure that you are on the right path.

For my part, I must first find the way before wanting to evolve on it. But nothing interests me, I find them all boring and futile.

What is my path? I do not know. Since my parents want to see me on such a path then I go there without resistance. Lack of luck, or lack of work, I miss myself and fail their expectations, breaking the last hope they had in me. I am now left behind, neglected and scapegoated for all the problems in the house.

Another sad evening, thinking of killing myself, but once again a weakness, a lack of courage came over me and I fell asleep, a remnant of a tear leaving its wet trail on my cheek.