23. Sweet Dreams

Kara stretched out sleepily in bed, her hand reaching out, instinctively for the spot next to her, seeking out the warmth of the other body that she always curled herself around at night. The mattress was still warm but disappointingly empty. Kara groaned, pulling back the duvet and squinting against the bright sun that still managed to stream in through the heavy curtains. She contemplated curling back up in bed and sleeping through the early part of the morning, but the desire to seek out her wife was far too tempting an alternative.

Kara rolled out of bed, pulling on the familiar Skylark hoodie that forever smelt of lavender and souffles, and provided warmth and comfort despite having worn out significantly over the last few years. She shuffled out of the bedroom and took the stairs down to the kitchen eagerly, catching the enticing aroma of freshly made waffles and the sound of music being played. Kara pushed open the door as quietly as she could not wanting to disturb her wife who was dancing and humming happily around as she laid out plates and finished serving up breakfast. Kara sneaked quietly forward on tiptoes, wrapping her arms tightly around Lena’s waist from behind the second she was close enough to do so.

“Good morning.” Kara breathed out into Lena’s ear before placing a kiss just below it.

“Mmm… good morning, my love.” Lena replied, turning her head to capture Kara’s lips in a more substantial kiss.

“Eww… Mummies, no!” A little girl’s voice cried out from across the room. “No kissin’! Brekfust, first!”

Lena pulled away from Kara with a roll of her eyes and a small, satisfied smile on her face as she turned to face the pouting dark-haired little girl with bright blue eyes sat at the table on a booster seat..

“Breakfast, sweetie.” Lena corrected easily, squeezing Kara’s forearms affectionately as she spoke to their daughter. “It’s coming don’t worry.” Lena then turned back quickly to murmur teasingly in Kara’s ear. “She definitely takes after you with that appetite.”

“I know…” Kara gleefully admitted, relinquishing her hold on her wife, “I’m so proud.” Lena shook her head in exasperation as Kara skipped excitedly over to her young daughter, “Hey, don’t I get a good morning hug, Lillibug?” Kara asked holding open her arms as she rushed to share a cuddle with Lilly.

“Quick!” Lilly acquiesced, squirming in her seat as if attempting to jump into her mother’s open arms. “Fud soon!”

“Okay.” Kara agreed, lifting Lilly up and pulling her into a tight hug, Lilly’s arms immediately wrapping around Kara’s neck as she tucked her head under Kara’s chin. “Lillibug hug!” Kara singsonged as she twirled carefully around the kitchen table, pulling a joyful squeal of delight from the little girl.

“Alright, alright…”, Lena called out eventually with a hearty chuckle;  Kara slowed her spinning down to a stop in response. “Breakfast is served. Dig in.” Lena declared, causing Lilly to bounce eagerly in Kara’s arms who deposited her back in her usual seat at the head of the table before slipping into the seat adjacent to Lilly and opposite Lena. Lena without hesitation began cutting up Lilly’s breakfast into more suitable chunks, allowing Lilly to inhale her food at a rate only Kara could match.

Kara lifted her knife and fork in readiness to begin eating but paused to take in the sight of her little family. Lena, dressed in her grey sweatpants, big baggy jumper and fuzzy socks, hair wild and rather untamed, was rubbing her foot comfortingly against Kara’s calf purely because she loved always being in contact with Kara whenever she could. Lilly, dressed in her Stitch onesie, was bobbing her head completely out of rhythm to the song playing in the background. The little girl had her constant big, cheesy grin on her face that only came with a child who knew they were loved and cherished.

 “Kara, are you okay?” Lena asked softly, her hand reaching out to stroke Kara’s hovering one that still held her cutlery aloft. Her green eyes shined with the same concern that they had on the first day they met all those years ago. “You haven’t touched your food.”

“I’m just…” Kara paused, allowing the joy bubbling up inside her to escape and light up her features, “enjoying this moment. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.” Kara admitted, putting down her fork to interlace her fingers with Lena’s, glancing quickly down to appreciate the sight of her mother’s engagement ring on Lena’s hand.

“Me too.” Lena whispered earnestly, her smile positively radiant.

“Me free!” Lilly squealed through a mouth full of food.

Kara let out a full-bodied laugh as she used her free hand to brush her daughter’s dark hair fondly.

Kara’s heart felt whole and bursting with joy.

She wouldn’t trade mornings like this for anything in the world

“KARA! OPEN UP!”

The loud yell and repetitive thumping sound caused Kara to flinch, her hands disconnecting from her family in a flash. Darkness seeped in on the edges of her vision. Lilly became hazy and her features indistinct. Lena’s mouth was moving as if she was speaking but Kara couldn’t hear a single word.

Kara blinked and when she opened her eyes she found herself in the darkened living room of her apartment, sprawled out on the couch, still dressed from her night at the bar with her friends.

“KARA!”

Alex’s loud shout pierced through the fragments of dream clinging onto Kara’s consciousness and brought her fully back to reality. Kara pushed herself up and off the cushions, wrapping the grey blanket she had fallen asleep under tighter her around her body as she staggered towards her front door.

“Wh-... huh?” Kara mumbled incoherently in question upon pulling open the door only for her sister to immediately push past her and storm inside with a determined glare fixed on her face. “Alex? What’s going on?” Kara asked in confusion, stumbling to one side due to Alex’s quick entrance.

“It’s time for an intervention.” Alex declared, proceeding towards the kitchen without sparing her sister a backward glance.

“An inter-?!” Kara spluttered in shock, shutting the door quickly in fear that Alex had recruited supporters who were planning to arrive any second now. “It’s past midnight, Alex-”

“Good, you’re not busy then.” Alex brusquely interrupted as she began to open Kara’s kitchen cupboards with an obvious goal. “No work, no socials.” Alex paused to flash Kara a far too knowing expression.  “Why don’t you go sit on the sofa?” Alex suggested with a wave of her hand. “That’s our safespace, right?”

Kara bit her bottom lip, trying desperately to work out what Alex was planning, still holding on to the futile hope that Alex hadn’t worked out as much as she seemed to have. “Alex, I don’t understand.” Kara muttered quietly, hovering halfway between the kitchen and the living room, the overly large blanket draped over her shoulders making her look so small and young.

Alex let out a heavy sigh and shook her head as she looked over at Kara with an anguished expression which made Kara want to curl up and hide from the world because she knew that she was the reason for it.

“Neither do I really,” Alex admitted, “especially since I only realised the truth a couple of hours ago.” Kara hung her head, and shuffled over to the sofa, sitting down stiffly as she kept her eyes fixed to the floor. “What do you want to drink?” Alex called out, her tone returned to the brash business-like one from earlier. “I feel like we should either have alcohol or hot chocolate…” Kara glanced up to see Alex thoughtfully examining a bottle of vodka and hot chocolate mix, “Which would you prefer?” Alex eventually asked shaking the two options at Kara, “This is your intervention after all.”

“Uhh… hot chocolate.” Kara said, and she winced upon hearing how her voice already had a noticeable crack to it, Alex kindly didn’t react and set to work making their drinks. For the next minute, the only sound in the apartment was that of Alex acting as hostess in Kara’s own apartment.  

“What truth?” Kara didn’t know why she asked Alex that question. It was obvious that she’d been caught but she had spent the last weeks so vehemently denying the truth to herself that she wasn’t ready to let go of the comforting lies without good cause to.

“That you’re still heartbroken and pretending not to be.” Alex bluntly replied.

“Pfft… I’m not-”

“I saw you.” Alex cut in, her brown eyes blazing with fury and pain. “I saw you, Kara.” She repeated, trying to regain control of the swirl of emotions inside of her and make it clear that Kara couldn’t hide anymore. Not from her. “I saw the look on your face at the bar earlier. You’ve been lying to me.”

“I have not been lying to-” Kara responded defensively at the accusation.

“Yes, you have!” Alex yelled, throwing her hands up in air in exasperation. “Every time I asked if you were okay, and you said ‘yes, I’m fine’, or ‘I’m good’ or ‘better than ever’.” Alex bitterly mocked the meaningless phrases that Kara had thrown at her every day for the last three weeks causing Kara to flinch, “That was you lying to me .”

“I am fine.” Kara growled, clinging with everything she had to the three words she had been repeating to herself every day, every hour since leaving Lena.

“No you’re not.” Alex shot back furiously, “You’re just trying damn hard to look like it!”

Kara deflated, the lies and the facade cracking and falling away under Alex’s fire and assertions.

Alex was Kara’s touchstone. Her guide when she was lost. The sure north of her compass.

Kara had been able to fool herself purely because she’d been able to fool Alex. Kara could only hide from Alex for so long and by extension herself.

As the repeated utterances of ‘I am fine’ melted away, Kara was almost overwhelmed by the emptiness in her chest and the numbness to all other feelings. Just as it was all about to become too much, tears were gathering in earnest ready to be unleashed, a steaming mug topped with whipped cream and marshmallows appeared in front of her.

And just like that the loneliness that was invading her very being retreated and she accepted the offering with a thankful smile as her sister, who would never allow her to feel alone, settled down next to her.

Alex wrapped an arm around Kara’s shoulder and tucked her sister into her side. She stayed quiet as Kara took a couple of warming sips of the sweet, chocolatey liquid before whispering, “I should have known… I should have seen it…”, Alex swallowed thickly as she earnestly apologised for something she was not to blame, “I am so sorry.”

Kara’s eyes widened in shock, she rapidly deposited her drink on the coffee table so she could freely whirl around and protest everything her sister had said, “Alex-”

“I let you down.” Alex continued despondently, her eyes shining with moisture, “I thought… I thought you were doing better. That you had bounced back like you always do…”

Kara trembled at the sight of her sister so distraught over thinking she had somehow managed to fail her, “You’ve never let me down.” Kara affirmed, putting as much conviction as she could into her words as possible. “Not once.”

“I wasn’t there for you.” Alex breathed out brokenly.

“I didn’t want you to be…” Kara confessed, grabbing Alex’s hands with her own and squeezing them tightly. “I wanted to deal with this on my own. And…” Kara hung her head in shame, “I thought I had a handle on it…”

It was the sight of her sister being open and vulnerable, her taking the first step that invited Kara to do the same. Alex wasn’t pretending to be strong, setting the precedent for Kara to feel safe enough to follow in her footsteps.

And just like that… Kara was finally honest with her sister and herself.

“As long as I just didn’t stop…” Kara explained, thankful for Alex’s always patient and understanding, “as long as I kept busy and didn’t think about…”

The name wouldn’t come. It faltered on her tongue and stayed resolutely inside.

Saying Lena’s name aloud, even after all this time, would cut too deep.

“Her?” Alex prompted kindly.

“Yeah…” Kara’s brow furrowed as everything she thought she had pushed down and hidden inside of herself came to the forefront. “What could have been…”, She muttered, seeing a flash of that wonderful dream for just an instant, “What I really wanted…”

“Kara.” Alex coaxed, reaching out to pull Kara into a tight hug, “I’m here for you.” Alex reminded her softly, planting a quick kiss on the top of her head. “Talk to me and let’s figure this out together... like we always do.”

A weight that Kara hadn’t been fully aware of lifted off Kara’s shoulders and suddenly it was easier to voice everything she had bottled up inside of her. “Nights are the worst. I’ve never hated and loved going to sleep so much.”

“Are you having nightmares again?” Alex inquired, rubbing Kara’s back reassuringly, fearing that the nightmares after her parents death had begun to recur.

“No…” Kara said with a shake of her head, “The opposite. I see her in my dreams…”, Kara’s eyes slipped closed involuntarily and she thought back over the warm fantasies that had filled her nights since parting with Lena. “We’re together and we’re… happy.”

“Yeah?” Alex murmured and Kara slowly opened her eyes to see the sad smile playing on her sister’s lips.

“Sometimes I get to show her my favourite places here in Metropolis,” Kara revealed as Alex listened attentively, happy to simply take in the warm glow in her Kara’s blue eyes that she hadn’t realised had been absent for the last few weeks, “or I’m introducing you and Eliza to her. Most of the time, we’re back in Theonia. Just being together, like we used to do on the evenings. In my favourite ones though…” Kara hesitated for a second and she quirked her glasses before adding tentatively, “we’re married.”

“Really?”

Kara nodded shyly, “We have kids… sometimes a few, sometimes just one.”

Alex’s smile widened and her eyes shone with joy at the image Kara had crafted for herself, “Wow, sounds nice.”

“We’re just really happy.” Kara sighed wistfully before shrugging hopelessly, “But then… I wake up and…”

“Reality doesn’t compare.” Alex supplied, instinctively pulling Kara closer to herself as if to physically shield her from emotional pain.

“How can it without her?” Kara asserted sincerely, not expecting an answer.

“Oh, Kara.” Alex soothed, “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”

“Is this what it was like with Maggie?”

“Honestly….”, Alex puffed out a breath and pondered her answer for a long time before admitting, “No. It hurt but… I was always thinking about the past. About our time together and how happy we used to be. We broke up and I didn’t see her in my future. I knew that she didn’t want the same things as me so…” Alex pursed her lips and frowned, “I couldn’t imagine a future where we were both happy.” Alex straightened up, positioning Kara so she could look her dead in the eye as she said, “I had to let go of the past, you’ve got the far harder task of letting go of the future.”

“What do I do now?” Kara asked plainly, shaken by the task set before her.

“Well…” Alex began, the trepidation obvious as she suggested whatever it was that she had come to Kara’s apartment with the aim of getting her to do in the first place, “how about visiting Mum?”

“Huh?”

Alex grumbled her answer, “I phoned Mum - she’s very disappointed that you haven’t been honest with her in your recent calls by the way.”

“You tattled on me?” Kara squawked in outrage, “What happened to snitches get stitches?”

“Eh…” Alex dismissed the reminder of the threat she had given her sister when Kara had caught her smoking weed one thanksgiving day, with a light wave of her hand. “I’m a big sister the rules don’t apply to me.” Kara gave out an indignant huff as Alex continued without a second thought to her betrayal. “Anyway, she suggested getting away for awhile might do you some good. Clear your head and all that. And you know Mum gives really good advice, she’ll probably be able to help.”

“Now’s not really a good time with work…”, Kara weakly protested, though the idea did sound like a good one. She hadn’t seen her adoptive mother since Eliza had left to work with Medecins Sans Frontieres and Kara had been missing the calming presence of the older woman in her life. She’d always been good at keeping both her and Alex grounded, and Kara could really do with that right now. Especially when her dreams were begging her to fall into a fantasy world.

“Isn’t it?” Alex prompted, picking up on Kara’s only minor resistance, “You’ve just finished all your Theonia coverage. Going away will give you a clean break from your old assignments so that when you come back you can easily step into whatever new role you’ve decided at work. It’s probably perfect timing.”

“Maybe…” Kara admitted after a moment’s reflection.

“Just think about it.” Alex requested gently.

“Will do.” Kara promised in return and Alex kissed Kara’s forehead gratefully in response.

The two of them stayed cuddled together for the next hour, they put on an innocuous sitcom in the background and Kara murmured a few more details here and there of her dreams. Alex just listened, being kind enough not to press her further on the decision to visit Eliza, though she did offer to go with her if she wanted company.

“Do you want me to stay here tonight?” Alex asked, after the credits had rolled and the hot chocolate was all gone.

“No, I’ll be alright.” Kara assured, knowing her sister always slept better in her own bed than in Kara’s when she was working a weekend shift like she was tomorrow, technically today.

Alex pursed her lips as she scrutinised her little sister closely, trying to detect if Kara was lying again.

“I’m not lying… this time.” Kara reassured with a slight wince, knowing it would probably be a sore spot between them for a little while until they had a chance to get back to themselves fully.

“Okay.” Alex relented, getting up, her joints cracking loudly in the quiet apartment. “You know where I am if you need me.”

“You’re always there if I need you.” Kara reminded her with a soft smile, also standing up to pull her sister into a tight, farewell hug.

“Exactly.” Alex grinned, “Love you.”

“Love you, too.” Kara repeated back.

Once Alex had safely departed for her own home, Kara busied herself with turning the lights and television off, washing up hers and Alex’s mugs and getting changed into her pyjamas before crawling into bed. She plugged her phone onto charge by her bedside and rejoiced briefly that since it was the weekend she wouldn’t be awoken by a blaring alarm.  

She curled up under the duvet and turned herself so she was facing away from the empty side of her bed that she knew her mind would automatically provide an image of green eyes and a one-dimpled smile to fill. Sleep snuck up on her in the darkened bedroom and dragged her willingly back to Theonia.

Back to Lena.

This time Kara was in the Palace gardens comfortably sat on Peaches who had become her go-to horse over the last couple of years, ever since Lena had given her enough lessons in horse-riding to feel comfortable entrusting Kara to a horse other than Loki. Lena had subsequently reclaimed Loki as her main companion for her weekly rides with her wife to their little lakeside sanctuary.

Today, however, they were staying within the main Palace gardens.

Kara patted the side of Peaches neck to soothe the horse’s disquiet about being kept idle for even a short period of time. Peaches settled immediately at Kara’s touch allowing Kara to return to freely enjoying the sight of her wife and son astride Loki. Lena was urging the big black horse, who needed little prompting to be careful with his precious cargo, to trot back and forth sedately under the canopy of trees as the small blonde haired boy with bright green eyes laughed rapturously at the horse’s movement.

Lena flashed Kara a blinding smile as little Alexander clapped vigorously and cheered at Loki’s every stride.

Kara returned the smile tenfold, bathing in the warmth of the sun and the sheer joy of her perfect little family.  

Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!

The earth shattering sound ripped through the stillness causing a cascade of red, gold and brown leaves to fall from the trees above in an endless wave obscuring Kara’s view of Lena and Alexander.

Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!

The leaves continued to fall as the sound shockwaved around the area. Kara yelled desperately for her wife and son, failing to hear even a murmur of their voices in return over the chaos.

Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!

Kara batted the debris away to no avail as she tried to urge Peaches forward only to find that she was now standing on her own two feet. She stared down in confusion, trying her hardest to make sense of the jumbled, incoherent sequence of events.

Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!

The repeated sound added clarity and Kara lifted her head back up, determined to stride forward to find her wife and child, only to flinch forcibly at the sight of a thick branch hurtling directly towards her face.

Kara’s hands automatically flew up to protect herself at the same time her eyes slipped shut.

Kara jolted upright in her darkened bedroom, her heart rate near critical and her breath coming out hard and fast.

Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!

Kara groggily searched for the source of the sound, her eyes landing on her lit up phone vibrating violently on her bedside table. With shaky hands, Kara picked up the phone letting out a groan at the four am time shining cruelly at her before her brow furrowed at the ‘Blocked Number’ illuminating the screen.

Kara tentatively accepted the call, readying herself in the background to unleash her best Alex impression if her sleep was disturbed by a cold caller. “Uh… hello?”

“Kara? Is that you?” A female voice inquired sharply.

Kara yanked the phone away from her ear as if it had burnt her upon recognising the voice on the other side of the call.

She swallowed heavily, her throat clogging up with questions as the shock began to abate, she hurriedly returned the phone to her ear, “Sam? What’s going on? Is everything alright?”

“No.” Sam answered simply, plaintively ignoring the first two questions in favour of the one that really mattered.

Kara held her breath, her entire body tensing as she felt adrenaline begin to surge through her veins in response to the sharp, disgustingly cold dread which was consuming her body and soul.

“Lena’s in the hospital.”