session 4
1.Medical Experiment
First year UNILAG medical students were attending their very first anatomy class. They all gathered around the table which had a real dead body on it. The Professor, Mr. Akpos, started the class by telling them two important qualities of a doctor. "The first is that never be disgusted about anything in the body. For example", He inserted his finger in the dead body's anus, put his finger in his own mouth and tasted it. Then he told the students to do what he did. The students hesitated for several minutes, but eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body's anus and tasted it. When everyone finished tasting their fingers, the professor looked at them and said, "The most important Second quality is Observation. I inserted my MIDDLE finger but tasted my other finger. Now learn to pay attention!!"One word for Professor Akpos?
2.Akpos' Landlord
This brief conversation ensued between Akpos and his landlord...LANDLORD: (knocks at Akpos door)AKPOS: (Opens the door)LANDLORD: Hey man, I'm looking for my house rent?AKPOS: You can come in let's look for it together.
3.A Barking Dog Never Bites
Akpos goes over to see his neighbour who has a very ferocious-looking dog.As Akpos approaches the door, the dog begins to bark wildly and his neighbour says to him, "Come on in, Akpos! Don't be afraid of my dog. You know the old proverb: A barking dog never bites." "Yes," replied Akpos, "I know the proverb, and you know the proverb, but does your dog know it?"
.4.School Donation
A guy knocked at Akpos' door asking for a donation for the local primary school's swimming pool.So Akpos went inside his house and came back saying, "Here, have a cup of water."
5.Missing Purse
Akpos returns a missing purse to the owner in a market. The lady was so grateful but when she looked inside, she got confused and said, "But I had just a single note of a thousand naira, now there are ten notes of one hundred naira, how come?" Akpos said, "I changed it, because the last time I helped someone to find her purse, she said she would have given me some money but there is no change available."
6. Bad Assignment
Akpos submitted his English Composition assignment to his class teacher...
TEACHER: Your assignment is the worst in the class. It's not only ungrammatical, it's rude and in bad taste. I'm going to send your father a note about it.
AKPOS: I don't think that would help ma. He wrote it.
7.Bad News II
Akpos' wife was in the emergency room. She was having a baby. Few minutes later, the doctor came out and...DOCTOR: I've got good news and bad news. AKPOS: What happened doctor?DOCTOR: Your wife is dead!AKPOS: Ok, what's the bad news?
8.English Language Class
One boring Monday morning, Mr. Akpos, our English teacher entered the class and addressed us. He started; "Lets show the principal and our guest how much we have learnt so far this year. Lets do some comparatives. So I say small, you say small, smaller, smallest and on and on like that."We all nodded, looking very tired.MR. AKPOS: BigCLASS: (All chorused) Big, bigger ,biggestMR. AKPOS: CleanCLASS: Clean, cleaner, cleanestMR AKPOS: Tall CLASS: Tall, taller, tallestMR AKPOS: (Smiling) Very goodCLASS: Very good, very gooder, very goodestMR. AKPOS: Oh gosh!CLASS: Oh gosh, oh gosher, oh goshestMR. AKPOS: Stop it now!CLASS: Stop it now, stop it nower, stop it nowestMR AKPOS: Oh please!CLASS: Oh please, oh pleaser, oh pleasestMR. AKPOS: Look at me!CLASS: Look at me, look at me-er, look at me-estMR. AKPOS: What a disgrace!CLASS: What a disgrace, what a disgracer, what a disgracest! Mr. Akpos furiously left the class.
9.Bad Comparison
TEACHER: You are a failure! At your age, Bill Gates already built his first computer software. AKPOS : Mind you Sir, at your age Adolf Hitler committed Suicide.
10.Real Movie
A movie director needed an extra to act a scene which involves depicting a gateman. So they offered Akpos, who was incidentally the gateman at the house they were filming, to play the role. The director gave Akpos a cutlass and told him to give a pretence chase behind the main actor who was playing the role of a thief. The director said to Akpos, When you hear action, start chasing this guy with the cutlass. Do you understand? Akpos nodded in affirmation. Immediately the Director shouted Action, Akpos did exactly as he was told and started chasing the other actor round the compound. As the actor was about to scale the fence, the director screamed, Cut! Cut! Cut!" The actor is presently recuperating in the hospital.
11.Deaf Message
A stranger sent Akpos a text message..."Good evening sir, how was your day? I'm so sorry for disturbing you. I got your number from someone you know. I kindly need your assistance, I need some money which is very paramount to my life and I don't know if you can assist me with any amount sir. You can talk to me through text message because I'm deaf.Akpos quickly replied the message, "Sorry please, I can't see what you wrote. I'm Blind!"
12.True Love
AKPOS: Baby, even though I don't have a well furnished duplex in Victoria Island like John, 2015 Range Rover Sport like John, and even if I'm not working in Chevron Oil Company like John, I love you with all my heart! That's the best thing I can give you. GIRL: (sobs, moves close to Akpos and whispers in his ear) If you truly love me, introduce me to John.
13.Everybody Down!
Akpos went to rob a city bank."Everybody down!" Akpos shouted.Everyone laid flat on the ground. "Where is the bank manager?" He asked. A young fearful man stood up and said, "Here I am."Akpos: Open the safe and bring out all d money.MANAGER: (stammering) No,I can't sir.Akpos; What?! Are you crazy?! You are lucky I'm with a toy gun, I would have blown your brains off!...Akpos is currently receiving treatment at the prison hospital.
14.Poor Example
An Economics teacher was explaining something in the class...
TEACHER: ... For example, Akpos was poor...
AKPOS: I can't be poor.
TEACHER: That's why I said for example.
AKPOS: Even in the example I can't be POOR.
15.Akpos Gets First Class
Akpos bursts into the house, "Daddy! My CGPA is 4.78!" The father is amazed and says "This calls for a party." The father takes Akpos on a ride around town to shopping malls and Eateries. He spends all he has including his Month end salary. The father thought to himself, "At least I celebrated my son's success even if I'm eventually broke." When they got home, Akpos shows his result to his Father. His father looking stunned, angrily snares at his son, "WHAT IS THIS? I thought you said you had a First Class? But what I'm seeing on your result is a Third Class!" Akpos, who is smiling sheepishly, suddenly shouts, "APRIL FOOL DAD!!!
"What do you think will happen to Akpos?
16.Good Samaritan
Akpos picked up a blackberry Z10 in a taxi. He checked through the contacts and found "MY number 2" then he called it and luckily the owner answered "Wow! Thank God! Where did you pick the phone" Akpos quickly interrupted "not so fast lady, please give me your address." "You want to bring the phone? Wow that's so nice of you. If only this country was full of good people like you..."Akpos interrupted "What nonsense are you saying? I want to come and collect the charger!"
17.Pastor's Words
Akpos attended a church service one Sunday. While the pastor was preaching he said, "Tell the person seated next to you that what happens to you will also happen to me."But unfortunately for Akpos, he seated next to a cripple and Akpos replied the cripple, "What Happens .
18.Home Work
TEACHER: Akpos, why didn't you do your home work?AKPOS: Because I'm Homeless.
19.Letter to Daddy
Hello Dad,
I didn't tell mummy that you kissed her friend, Linda, at the birthday party. I didn't even tell her that you made love with her...
Anyway, you should thank mummy because she helped me to write this letter
Your Goodboy
Akpos.
20.Triplet
Akpos who just received a message that his wife has given birth, ran happily to the hospital and the following conversation took place between him and the doctor...DOCTOR: Congratulation sir, your wife has just given birth to Triplet. AKPOS: Thanks doctor but why did you and my wife name the baby without my consent?
21.Dead Cat
The teacher asked Akpos, "Why is your cat at school today Akpos?" Akpos replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Akpos leaves for school today!'"