ARIANA

Sometime later, the door is brashly pushed open while I hear a maid nagging after a small child with curly brown hair and ocean blue eyes throwing herself in my arms.

She completely takes after father except for her hyper activeness of course. She giggled as I carried her in my arms to the balcony. She should be around 8 years old now.

"Sister, what're youuuu doing??"

"Nothing much sweetness"

She giggled once more, she likes getting called by nicknames.

"I want you to play with me, pwease"

She still baby talks around me as she knows that I can never refuse her then. I wished Nuria to be like this with me too but like I said she never had the chance of being childish. I felt a pang in my heart.

"Hehe, okay, what do you want to play?"

"Tea Party!!!"

"Okay!"

Unfortunately tea parties in real life aristocracies aren't as cute, simple or lovely. It's more like a battlefield where crocodiles shed tears spewing venomous things covered in a lace of pretty words.

Basically insulting each other while trying to show their prestige and dominance, of course they can't out right curse like barbarians (I would have preferred it though, quite the sight it would be), so the effective option they had chosen was to talk in metaphors.

I must give them the credit for having to read all the books on fauna and flora, always choosing names most wouldn't have an idea about.

I don't quite understand, how is it supposed to be smart?

What if someone doesn't know which plant they are talking about and actually take it as flattery? Wouldn't that be more frustrating and embarrassing for the perpetrator!? At least it would for me, if I am insulting someone, I want them to at least have a hint. 

How else could my sadistic desires be satiated?

I never really had to fight, my whole entourage of unknown people are ready to have their skulls crushed for me. It touched me so sarcastically. I never even got to fight my own battles, just sit there pretty and clueless. 

Even though I was an adored treasure, many people didn't like me either. They called me to be stupid, dumb and spineless. Well, I had to accept it, not much choice. If I got too frustrated, I would go and cry in front of my family.

They obliterated those people. I had a strength of my own, being manipulative and a very good actress.

I had a way with my tongue, I could wriggle myself out of any situation if I tried. A strength that I value as much as I hate it. Even physical strength would have been better than lying day in and day out about the smallest of things. They say white or yellow or pink is my favourite colour, but it's actually the complete opposite, black!

There were so many times I have wanted to wear black or dark shaded clothes, but each time, everybody said that I look good in light coloured clothes. So naturally I had to wear them.

I had to be the good girl.

"Sister Eriiii... you're wandering off somewhere in your mind. Please stay here and play with me pweaseee!!" 

She purposefully dragged out the words even though she has an excellent pronunciation and vocabulary.

I sigh while chuckling, this kid might only be the reason to make me stay here. I smiled back and nodded my head helplessly. She came forward and gave me a quick kiss to my cheek saying she would pour me some lovely herbal tea. 

What a shame, the horrible reality of the tea party will only be known to her when she grows up in a few years.

"How's the tea Miss Macaroon?"

"Quite lovely, Miss Cupcake"

"I am glad it's to your liking. I have heard that you would be getting married, would you care to enlighten me?"

There she goes again using tough and complicated words, acting like a matured noble person. But you must see that, each time she has a tea party, without even realising she has already learned the game of metaphors and deception. 

She expresses her emotions through these tea parties in the guise of other beings, I have always noticed it. When it becomes difficult for her to say something, this is how she gets through to me.

Currently she was expressing her sorrowness as she doesn't want me to leave but doesn't really know how to say it.

"Oh my, yes it's quite true, Miss Cupcake"

"But why so soon? Can't we get married at the same time?"

"Haha, surely you jest, by the time you come of age I would already be quite the granny, don't you think so?"

"Of course not, my lady is as beautiful as a golden chrysanthemum on a sunny day with ever flowing eternal beauty" 

"But the chrysanthemum does wither out in the autumn, even if it doesn't want to" 

Cheezy!

"I wish to prolong your company with me, is that so difficult?"

"That flatters me very much, I would always be with you even if I get married. So, what has been disturbing my dear lady?"

"But you would leave me alone here and stay with some other person, basking your sunshine on other people. I dislike that, I wish for you to stay here forever with me and be happy" 

This girl can sure write romantic novels.

"How I wish it would be as easy as that Miss Cupcake, but it's not. This marriage is not a matter of one's wish but rather an order that we have to obey disregarding ourselves."

"But-"

And tears flowed down her rosy cheeks uncontrollably. She threw Miss Cupcake out the window and fell into my arms. She behaved the same way in the past, I found it a little cute but annoying at the same time. 

I thought she was trying to prevent me from being with the love of my life. I never showed that to her but this time when I heard her crying, begging for me to not leave her, it was different.

The pure and hurtful wails of my sister rang in my ears. It broke something in me, and tears rolled down my face.

I felt hurt, that I was hurting someone so close to me. 

I felt surprised that someone would want my care and love this much. 

I hated that in the past I found her to be annoying. 

I hated myself for not realising just how much she loved me. 

I hated that I was going to disappoint her but I was someone who did not deserve this. 

I did not deserve this pure and familial love. My sins were far greater that I could only make up through seeking the cease of my existence. I hated myself even more because I was being selfish again, even now I was looking to find my comfort at the cost of hurting her. 

But that was who I was, a selfish person who looks out for no one but herself. I wished for nihility, because I believe that is truly the price of the debt I am in. Nobody requires an existence like myself in this world, I am no saintess.

I wonder why God chose me. This world is better off than having me as a mediator of God showing miracles.

I don't deserve the title. 

I don't deserve to live. 

There is no meaning left for me to live. 

I enveloped her in my arms as tears stained my cheeks, I heard her soft sobbing and it felt even more painful. Quite odd, how easily I break down. She calms down after nearly an hour of crying. Her eyes as well as mine were both profusely swollen. 

We looked at each other and laughed. I found my laugh to be very bitter, it sounded light hearted but I knew I was deceiving her. She told me we would regularly meet and how she was overreacting.

I agree but I hide the fact these few days might be the only time left for her to see me. I dropped her off at her room and said I will meet her tomorrow.

All smiles but all of it faded when I turned around walking to my room. I was filled with sorrow and hurt, I wanted to cry again so bad. All this time I have just been crying, from the moment I returned to the past that is all I have done. But then again, this is probably what I should be doing, crying.

 Crying an eternity for my sins. 

Nuria, darling, time might help those with wounds but it can never be the case with me, since I am not wounded. I was someone who hurt others and my sins are something I can never live with nor can time wash them away.

Even if no one remembers, I know what I have done. It was the bitter truth.

Never forgive me, for I can never accept it. Even if you forgive me, I can never forgive myself.

I walked back in a slow and lazy manner no longer paying any attention to my surroundings. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day and I already feel tired. I reached my room and called for an early dinner despite having no appetite.

I knew I had to eat it otherwise I would worry my family and Alisha. They might already suspect something is odd about me but I am trying my best to hide it. 

But sometimes it just flows, like an overflowing glass, I feel so tired of everything. It's like, this life that I have, which values to many others, has become a leash to my throat and profusely suffocates me.

It chokes and it's an endless struggle that I wish would just end. I flopped down the bed tired and sleepy, as well as whispering goodnight to Nuria.