Chapter 41

"Aalis kana naman,"

Bungad sakin ni Chloe nang magpa despedida party ako bago umalis. Wala naman na din syang magagawa dahil desidido na ako. Ayoko din manatili dito kung makikita ko lang syang nahihirapan ng dahil sakin.

"Iyon na lang ba ang solusyon mo? Ang umalis at takbuhan ang problema mo? Alam ko na valid yung reason mo, pero siguro naman ito na yung time para naman sa inyo, matapos mong mapag isa ng pitong taon sa Florida." Nanghihinayang na sambit sakin ni Irish.

Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko sa kanila dahil kahit kailan, wala akong mahahanap na sagot. Maybe, I'm still scared about being broken again or get hurt by him. Or maybe, I was just makin excuses for myself that I actually wanna talk to him so this will get over between us.

"I don't know what to do anymore." I unconsciously said while dmy other hand holding a wine bottle.

I felt them stopped and looking at me. No one's brave to asking me a question because they all know that I'm tired. I was actually wanted to rest. Mas napapagod lang ako sa ganito at alam kong mahihirapan lang din ako kapag nalaman ko na yung sagot sa lahat ng magiging desisyon ko sa buhay.

Maybe or maybe not. Sometimes I just wanna quit and live my life peacefully.

Mas mabuti pang hindi ko pinasok ang pag ibig, kaysa nahihirapan ako sa lahat. Masyado pa akong naguguluhan matapos kong bumalik ng Pilipinas at makikitang sya ang naghahabol sakin ngayon.

"We all know that you're tired and we all know that Lex is chasing you now. I just wanted to clarify those things inside your mind. Just talk to him after he'll get healed and find some answers with your decision. Alam naman natin na maiintindihan namin kayo kung gusto nyo pa din bang ipagpatuloy o maging mag kaibigan na lang. It's hard to choose, but we'll understand your choice Krish. There's no way to choose to love yourself after these years." I wa surprised when Desiree talked like a sister because of her tone. But I appreciate it and I felt like happy but immediately erase it when I remember that I will leave again.

It is worth it?

Maybe, but on the other day, I choose to stay.

I was busy because of working and non-stop mission. But this time, it wasn't a dangerous that will take our lives. I was happy to what I am doing right now.

I finally had closure with Azure and end the engagement between us and his family. Maybe, disappointed sila sa akin o kay Azure pero hindi ko na inisip pa iyon. I wanted to focus myself this time.

As always, I visit my doctor to check my mental health and I'll gladly answer her questions without getting emotional like before. Maybe, baby steps to move forward for now. I just wanted to congratulate myself that I see some positive signs to continue my life.

My life, without thinking anyone. My friends also help me and gave me the advice. Desiree and Irish was always reminding my time to take medicine. We always see each other kahit na may asawa na sila, I always appreciate them.

The other next month, I have to go to Canada because of my brother's wedding together with my friends. While we are in expensive van, we sang together with a smile on our faces and enjoyed the view of the beach.

"Ang ganda naman dito o m g, sayang wala sina Irish at Xyria!" Sigaw ni Nicole nang makarating kami sa hotel na tutuluyan namin.

"They not allowed to travel because of their tummies, alam mo din naman na sensitive si Xy, gawa nang first time. Let's just sent the photo of the beach and tour around." Nakasimangot na sambit ni Chloe at kinuha ang phone para picturan while we are on our way to go up.

"I can't believe na kailangan pa natin makapunta nang Canada para lang maka attend sa birthday ng kapatid mo Krish."

Natawa ako. "It's his wife's family tradition. Taga rito ang sister in law ko so we don't have a choice. Magkakaropn din naman nang wedding sa Pilipinas kaya makakasama sina Irish at Xyria." Paliwanag ko sa kanila nang makita ang pagtataka sa mukha nila.

Para namang hindi mayayaman ang mga asawa nila dahil gusto nila palaging nag titipid. Akala ko makakapag pahinga na ako ng makarating kami sa Hotel Room na tutuluyan namin, pero hindi ko akalain na ako ang magiging topic sa araw na yon dahil ako na lang daw ang single samin!

"Try this Bumble oh, if you can't really find the true love with him, baka dito sa online date ka makahanap." Pang aasar ni Chloe kaya napairap ako.

"Tigilan nyo na nga ako-"

"Or maybe this Tinder app." Sabat ni Desiree at hindi naman ako makapaniwalang tumingin sa kanya. "Medyo magastos nga lang since you need to buy here, you can have unlimited chats to other guys." Ngisi nya pa.

Hinilot ko ang sentido ko dahil sa stress na nararamdaman. I thought that day we can have fun pero mali ako! Mas lalo lang nila akong pinipilit kapag tumatanggi ako, kaya sa huli ay pumayag na lang ako mag Tinder kahit labag sa loob ko.

I can see their smirked at me while chatting on their phones. Hindi ko na lang sila pinansin dahil alam ko namang ka chat lang nila asawa nila.

Binalik ko ang tingin ko sa phone at nag hanap na doon. Wala pa akong napipili ng may mag pop up sa phone ko na notification.

"Oh ayan meron na pala, go! Once in a life time lang yan kaya replyan mo na!" Pagtutulak sakin ni Nicole nang marinig ang notif sakin.

"Oo na! Manahimik kana lang." Iritadong sambit ko, nakakarindi ang ingay nya.

Narinig ko pang tumatawa sila habang nirereplyan ko yung lalaki. Sinubukan kong I stalk pero hindi ko naman makita na may picture nya. Bahay na malaki lang ang nakita ko at may tatlong palapag. I can see that house had an elevator and saw some fountain in front and a big swimming pool.

Nag swipe ako habang naghihintay ng reply nya at na kita ang Golden Retriever na aso na maliit.

From: L_Den

Are you doing fine?

Napakunot ang noo ko sa tanong nya pero ni replyan ko pa din.

To: L_Den

Yes.

From: L_ Den

Can we meet?

To: L_ Den

I don't know you mister

He was typing already after I sent my messages

From L_ Den

Typing....

That's why I wanted to meet you

Pinatay ko na lang ang cellphone ko at nahiga. Wala akong panahon para sa Tinder dahil marami pa akong problema na kailangan kong ayusin. I was finding him creepy. My phone keeps vibrating but I closed my eyes, hearing my friend's keep talking about their husbands. Hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog na ako dahil sa pagod.

Nagising na lang ako ng mga hapon at si Desiree na lang ang kasama ko. Agad akong bumangon, gulo gulo ang buhok nang makitang tinitignan nya ako.

I got conscious. "Bakit?" I asked when she's not moving and kept staring at me.

Umiling sya at umiwas ng tingin. "I wanted to tell you what's on my mind but I don't want to cross the line." She replied coldly as her voice.

Napatagal ang tingin ko sa kanya bago umiwas ng tingin. Pinapakiramdaman ko sa sarili ko na kaya ko na ba syang kausapin after months?

Wala na akong naging balita sa kanya nang mag focus ako sa sarili ko. I just hoped that he will heal and to stay strong and healthy. Iyon lang, wala na yata akong mahihiling pa bukod doon.

"It's okay, thanks for understanding me. I just don't want that some people kept pushing me to talk to him. I just want a listener and who can understand my point of view without requesting something that I actually don't want to do." I smiled at her. She was the only one I can open up with my problems. Because I know that she will talk less and became quiet after hearing my stories. She's not easy to judge people, that's why I like her. And her personality.

"I know, and I'm just waiting for you to make a move. We are not getting younger Marie. Maybe this year or next year, you can finally found your way to cope up and to talk him again, without making regrets, but with making it worth, because you'll choose to love yourself. I'll be the one who will understand if you choose between yourself, and him." She stand up and caressed my hair like an older sister before she gave me a soft hug.

I was starting to tearing up when I hugged him back. When Desiree talking to me, I can feek at peace and calm when she's with me. Also Chloe and Irish too but not the same as her. Maybe, because she's an older to us next to Chloe.

"Thank you, Desiree. For being with me even we're not that close enough to have a conversation." I sincerely said.

She smiled at me. "Of course, no one can hurt you but only yourself and him. If one day you will find the right time to tell him your decision and to yourself, I'll be the one who support you, no matter what happens."

The other day, we spent our time attending to my brother's wedding. I felt hapoy and overwhelmed when my brother hugged me and his wife. Hindi ko akalain na mauunahan pa nya ako. Well, this is my life and I chose to be at this situation.

"Are you planning to get married?" I was busy to drink when my aunt, our mother's sister talk to me.

We just found out that our aunt was the one who sent the money of my bank. We are so happy that we found her and her husband. Good thing, they're good person like us. Iyon na yata ang pinaka masayang nangyari sa amin ng kapatid ko.

Maski hindi pa namin nahahanap ang totong magulang namin, we still hoped for the best, at least may nahanap na kami na kapamilya namin at hinding hindi kami papabayaan.

"I don't think so." I laughed because of my tone. I'm stiml confused if I just choose myself over him but thinking of him in a secondxmy heart beats like crazy.

"Don't waster our genes Marie, you have a long way journey." Sambit ni Tito Lee, my aunt's husband.

"Maybe, or maybe not. I'm still helping myself after all those years I spent my life with works. I'll just tell you if I made a decision." I smiled at them before walking away.

Nagpaalam naman na ako sa kanila na babalik na ako sa table. Dinagdagan ko na lang ang sinabi ko para hindi na sila mag tanong pa. I just felt uncomfortable since I'm still adjusting.

"Krish!" Nagpapanic na lumapit sa akin si Nicole kaya napataas ang kilay ko nang lingunin sya.

"Bakit?" Sambit ko at tumingin sa paligid para makita ang tinitignan nya.

"Lexord's here!"

To be continued...