ryoma hoshi

nice! haha we are simular :> I designed a space type zampacto :] Hoshi no Igen (Stellar Majesty)

We need more prince of tennis fics. This is a great story that is set in hyotei where mc is same age as ryoma and starts with kuroko template.

The writing quality is horrible, it's sad cause i was exited to see a prince of tennis fanfic about tennis and not romance between ryoma and tezuka but it's illegible.

The MC in this story gets all his strength from a System that binds Ryoma. It works by multiplying Ryoma's strength gains and giving them to the MC, who barely trains. As a result almost all of the MC's power is unearned and just leeched from Ryoma. The story also has a strong "China Number One" theme. The MC having been Chinese in a past life, refuses to ever represent Japan in the U-17 World Cup not based on team strength. Later, the plot convenience gets worse when the System suddenly introduces a "rune system." This boosts his teammates' training by 300% (and his by 500%, which is useless since he doesn't train). This is clearly just a lazy plot device to ensure Seigaku can win a 3-peat championship, handing the Chinese MC a perfect complete record he never worked for.

Strengths Engaging and Mysterious Opening The story begins with Ryoma awakening in a new and mysterious body, immediately raising questions that draw the reader in. This is a great element for building suspense. Blending Ryoma’s and Carter’s Memories The transition between Carter’s memories and Ryoma’s memories from his previous world is handled smoothly. The idea of the protagonist living in another’s body with a new past adds unique psychological depth. Rich and Coherent Fantasy World The features of your fantasy world—palaces, regions, empires, and special powers—are well-crafted, showing clear effort in world-building and attention to detail. Suspense, Excitement, and Escalation The progression from a simple mission to a major betrayal, and then to storming the palace and direct confrontation, gives the story strong momentum and keeps the reader constantly engaged. Visual and Emotional Descriptions The descriptions of the palace, guards, Ryoma’s clothes, and his emotional response upon discovering the betrayal are excellent. They make the reader feel as if they are witnessing the events firsthand. Suggestions for Improvement Clear Separation of Time and Place Shifts It’s better to use clearer breaks or subheadings such as “Ryoma’s Memories from His Old World” “Back in Carter’s Body” This helps the reader differentiate between past memories and the current events more easily. Clarify Character Motivations What’s the true reason behind the king’s betrayal? Was it a political move? Was he threatened by an external force? Adding these details will deepen the reader’s understanding of the plot. Avoid Repetitive Phrases Phrases like “Ryoma’s rage” or “his aura flaring” appear in various forms multiple times. Try to diversify the expressions to maintain freshness and impact in each paragraph. Use Dialogue to Reveal Details While the dialogues are good, they sometimes lean more toward exposition than interaction. Try to make the characters speak more naturally and emotionally, revealing their personalities through their words. Chapter Ending The chapter ends rather abruptly at a very suspenseful moment. It would be better to close it with a strong sentence or a clear cliffhanger, such as: “Ryoma’s voice, low and thunderous, cut through the silence like a blade...” Then cut the scene, prompting the reader to immediately want to continue to the next chapter. And I recommend reducing some of the wording in the chapter to make it flow better and improve its overall quality.[img=coins]