Here to give some advice!! First thing you have to fix is to slow down the story the way I see it right now is that everything is going to fast. Second is the character thinking and speaking try to put this “thinking” and this as ‘speaking’ it helps or you can look online to find what is better to suit you. Three it seems that all the characters are speaking in one paragraph you should fix that no one’s want to read multitudes characters in one paragraph which it’s confusing for a lot of readers. Fourth dont rush the story it seems that you are just putting what comes to mind which is good but put some logic into it and put some background story or some context of other characters like the first chapter i had no idea what was happening try to understand form the reader point of view we don’t understand what your thinking so the only way to show it is to explain to the reader what is happening but not to much info because no one likes it. “Good luck” Not my first language so sorry for not understanding it. Try to learn from other people work it helps.
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Thanks for the advice and the rating [img=recommend]